Tighter

Tighter

Tighter                                                3/14/2016

In my dreams

I remember

But when I awaken

It all  fades away.

The best words come

In the gray twilight

In the meditative deep

Half aware and half asleep.

I am not the same,

And I never will be again

Not because of who I am

But because
Of what I have seen.

I was blessed
And had all I wanted

But it was never enough

A slave to my emotions

One way or another.

The world is both beautiful,

And also ugly

Separated by the smallest of fractions

The one and the other. 

I look at my self

And  know I don't belong

A stranger experiencing life

From a great distance.

The women walk by

Dressed in their tightest clothes

But now I just feel sad

And full of regret.

I was cut

And I was straightened

Humbled

And hurt.

Never knowing

How I would make it

Through the morning

Or through the night. 

Rudderless I drifted

And loveless I bled

Drowning in my sorrows

Without anyone

To hold.

The weight pressed down

Squeezing my ribs

Until I could barely breathe

Tightly confined

With no way out. 

Others escape

And some kill themselves

All in an instant

Or the long way around. 

But I just notched the time

And tried to forget

Anesthetizing my heart

With anything I could get. 

I barely made it

And here I write

Still different

And incomplete.

I listen to the world

And I smile at the thought

That even in heartbreak

Children still laugh

And play. 

Knowing is a weight

And fear is a vise

Stealing our peace
And attacking our subconscious. 

But I finally learned

How to swallow it down

Transforming the pain

And turning it around.

Now the wounds

Can be weapons

And now the loss

A priceless treasure.