The Ledge of Darkness

The Ledge of Darkness 4/30/2012

From the ledge

The void calls

Pulling us downwards

Head over heels.

The great abyss

Is more powerful than gravity

A forceful attraction
Drawing us backwards
Into the dark.

It is by the smallest of margins

That we do not give in
Falling backwards into a black hole
And pulling everything with us.

And it is easy

To be confused
As we second guess wisdom
And doubt the obvious.

Safety can numb the mind

And time 
Can dim our vision
Until we no longer see
The truth and the light.

We still have the thoughts

But by habit
We supress them 
Ignoring the voice of truth
Until it falls silent.

What does it take

For a man to awaken?
And what should it take
For the good to rise?

And how can you defeat an enemy

If you cannot define him?
And how can problems be solved
If you cannot say what it is?

It is by chance that we are here

And it is a miracle
That I am here at all
Still struggling against doubt
And endless indecision.

The worst enemy

Is the one inside
Inside the walls
And inside your head.

The one who plays with your emotions

And manipulates your thoughts
Knowing all your dreams
And exploiting all your desires.

Working against our weaknesses

With a singleness of mind
Never missing an opportunity
To tempt us with death.

The first step may seem harmless

And the next may be easy
As we hesitantly explore
The beauty of the black.

With each step

We grow a little bolder
Because nothing seems to happen
To the strong and immortal.

But from the bottom

Looking backwards
Many have cried out in vain
Succumbing to the madness
Far from where they started.

We all want to see the black

And we all want to destroy
For it is the nature of man
Fallen and lost.

But genius is never far from madness
And the good should know the difference
Because there is nothing worse than indifference
Pulling us downwards
To death.

Some may read tea leaves

And some may slaughter
And sacrifice
But the truth is only as far
As courage and conviction. 

We can walk off

Or we can fall off
But either way it does not matter
Because now is the time to decide
Who, where, why and when.

Insanity is easy
Because it never changes
The same old problems
With the same old solutions.

Pushing back
Is hard
But holding on
Is even harder.

Because to know is to act
And to deny is to lose
Inching ever closer
And falling forever.

Look inside
To find the truth
And consult the spirit of ages
But never fear
What you see
Because there is always hope
Where there is vision.

Darkness cannot defeat truth
But it takes courage to see it through
For many a man has hesitated
And many a man has fallen.

Black and Blue

Black and Blue  4/27/2012

Struck down through the heart

And bleeding on the floor

Another day older

And none the wiser.

I have watched the damage unfold

And seen it roll over my life

Crashing down all I built

And wrecking all my dreams.

Taking away my treasure

And stripping me of safety
Leaving me feeling hopeless
And so very alone.

But to know the feeling

Is to understand
That without loss
There could never be victory.

To fully feel the loss
And finally understand
That without tears
There would be no soul searching
And without heartbreak
There could be no renewal.

Sometimes we deserve what we get

And sometimes we don’t
But nothing is harder than unjust suffering
The kind that crushes you down.

The kind of unrelenting pressure

That haunts your every move
As you try and pick up the pieces
And start all over.

Some people give up

And drown in despair
Swallowed up by depression
In a black hole of death.

And others lash out

In blind hatred
Abusing everyone around them
In useless fits of rage.

But the good must press on

Even though its painful
Getting up and moving
One foot in front of the other.

Because life doesn’t stop

Just because we suffer
And there will always be others
Who desperately need
What we have learned.

In the end

It’s not about us
And that is the hardest lesson of all
That only loving others
Can ever heal the spirit.

I have many more things to say

And I have many more loves to cherish
Filling in and filling up
Just where I needed it most.

Intermission

Intermission 4/27/2012

Some people are real

And some are pretenders

But that is no surprise

Because it hasn't changed a thing

And it doesn’t matter now. 

Today is just another

Long uncomfortable pause

And a resting between events

Just a boring a useless filler

In an otherwise wasted day.

Wise men

Don’t need an explanation

Because they have seen it before

And they know the reason why.

It helps to know

Who you are

And where you are

In the middle

Of a long painful ending

All smashed up

And upside down.

Liars are not going to change

And that is a good thing

Because time is running out

For them and for us.

Where I am

No one tells the truth

So I learned long ago
Not to bother to ask.

If there ever was a way

To get the whole story wrong
This is where it would end
And this is how
It would feel.

I do not have words to describe
The long waits of life
Struggling through the days
And biding your time.

These are the days

When you can barely stand the strain
When everything around you
Is horrible and wrong.

I am no worse

Than I ever was
And I have grown
From the inside out.

But even though I learn

Life gets harder and harder
And nothing ever changes
Unless it gets worse.

These are the times

When the tail leads the head
An upside down kingdom
Of the dumb and the dead.

The loud, unruly and threatening

Are appeased in every way
No matter who may suffer
Rejection and exclusion.

For what is truth?

To the shallow and the vain
Nothing but an abstract
To be manipulated for advantage
Or turned around for gain.

And what is honor to the greedy?

Nothing but an outdated code
Only required occasionally
When the opportunity arises.

Character is not important

And integrity a joke
When all that matters
Is how it looks
And how it feels.

Who will break the silence?

And who will take the risk?
To tell the truth
Even if its ugly
And even if it hurts.

Who can be passionate and brave

And fearlessly take a stand
Against the polotics of extinction
Without retreat or apology.

People are either convenient

Or inconvenient
But I am irregular
And unconventional.

But I don’t need to be cured

And I don’t need to be labled
Pigeon holed in some demographic
To be played like a record
Over and over again.

And I don’t need a t-shirt

To tell you how I feel
Because my words are my own
Loud and clear.

I shall write the words

And anyone can read them
However they want
True enough to make a point
And heavy enough
To shake the earth.

In the worst of times

There is a greater need
For the courageous
Who will take it willingly
In the heart
Or in the head.

Whether it’s the end or the beginning

Now is a time for men
A time to stand up
And never give an inch.
 
You can pull a dolls head off
But it doesn’t change a thing
Because I am what I am
And I will not change a thing.

You can tear it up

Or you can burn it down
But in the end
The truth is evident
One way or another.

If you look

You will see
And if you listen
You will know.

The this could be the greatest

Or it could be the worst
Because even greatest victory
Is only an inch from defeat.
 
It is up to you
And it is up to me
Right here and right now
To stare into our souls
And decide who we are.

Chilton Park

Chilton Park  4/26/2012 

We stopped at Chilton Park

And played football in the leaves

That golden fall day

Years ago

And far away.

All the family was together

And we rolled around

In the grass

Laughing and cavorting

In an otherwise forgotten day. 

I can still smell the air

And I feel my wool sweater

As my daughter and my sons

Jumped on top of me. 

Just another unscheduled memory

That shows up from time to time

Filed away with the others

In the cobwebs

Of my mind.   

So much has happened

That words alone

Cannot describe

And so far did I fall

That I barely know

That man at all.

He was sure

And he was happy

Just biding his time

Before a rich harvest. 

He didn’t need to search

Because happiness

Was all around him

Enough to last forever.

Images flash in our minds

And memories are flecked with gold

The edges softened

And glowing with warmth.

There is always joy

And there are always

New beginnings

But nothing is ever as intense

As the first glimpse
Of glory.

I have started again

But nothing is the same
Because now I have awakened
And now
I know.

I may never return

Because there is nothing left
Nothing but a ghost town
Far away from here.

I play with my baby

And yes I love him so
As innocent and as perfect
As any son could be.

But I wonder

What I should tell him
When he is old enough to know
About life, love, 
And rolling with the blows.

Should I tell him

That the good always triumph?
And should I tell him
That love conquers all?

Or should I prepare him

For the sudden losses
Or for the inevitable heartbreak
That always visits the innocent
And kills the noble.

These are the questions

That I still do not know
As I climb out of bed
And rise to another day. 

Here I am

And so also are you
Facing the challenge
Of another thankless day.

But remember

That even if it hurts
And even if you know
We can always build others up
Rather than tear them down.

Tonight when I return

I know what I will do
Striving to give him memories
That last forever.

Climbing the Stairs

Climbing the steps 4/25/2012

There are better places

Than standing on a scaffold

And there are better feelings

Than a noose around your neck.

Smoking a last cigarette

And saying your prayers

Before the hood slips over

And you are done.

Even faith in nothing

Is faith in something

And if there is no future

Then aw all might as well kill.

Some people believe

And some people do not

But no matter what you think

I have seen the difference.

Nothing great comes without risk

And there is nothing worse

Than contempt and ridicule

Enough to keep the good silent

And herded like sheep.

If there are any last words

Then let them be said

Because today is just as good as any

To pay our last respects.

I am not here

To sway anyone’s opinion

And I didn’t write these words

Just to bring you down.

But rather to cast a light

In the shadows

To contrast the difference

Between good and bad.

Situations change

And so also do feelings
But what is right is right
No matter who we are.

It takes a larger personality

And a greater character

To recognize your own heart

And search out the demons.

An awareness of your own perceptions

And understand where it can lead

To filter out your own perceptions

And check blind ambition.

But if you have made the journey

Then you know the feeling

That gnawing sensation

That you don’t fit in

And never will.

But that is a good thing

Because that means you’re awake

Aware and alert

A free spirit

In a world of the dead.

Because by then you know

That in this world

Even the brave

May face great hatred

And even the good

May die in shame.

For seldom have great things

Been accomplished
Without the sacrifice
Of a few in silence

Or many in terror.

We all know the feeling

And who has not watched

The good hung out to dry

Cowed into silence
By the crude and abusive.

And who has not hung

Afraid to draw attention

More afraid of losing their livelihood
Than standing up for truth.

Because we all have friendships

And we need to pay the bills

Afraid for our children

And afraid for our position.

But fear emboldens the violent

And humility feeds the boastful

As kindness is mistaken for weakness
And honor mistaken for retreat.

Someone must take the risk

Knowing that they may fail

And someone must reach boldly

Where even the good

Cringe in fear.

Let the words leap from the page

And let the truth blaze in the sky

That the tipping point is here

And all the lies are over.

Aftershock

Aftershock      4/24/2012

For now

The drama is over

But for me

I can’t see the difference.

A strange numbness

Envelopes my brain

Leaving me emotionless

And drained.

Life and love

Are full of highs

And lows

Because we always forget

The in between

Lost to time.

But this is where

We succeed or fail

And this is where

We lose our way.

I have loved before

And it was such a good feeling

As euphoric as I could be

And impervious to pain.

 Nothing could touch me

And nothing could hurt me

With a wit as sharp as a razor

And a heart made of stone.

Time stood still

As I basked in the glory

With everything I ever wanted

Ready and willing.

Dead center

In the best place

I could ever dream of
Or hope for.

But that was before

And this is after
And now I look backwards
And shake my head.

That I could be so foolish

To think, I could have it all

Because there I was at the summit

Like a giant before the fall.

I never stopped to think

Before I came to a ledge
Diving headlong into my emotions

Irresistibly calling me out

And begging me home.

I stared into her eyes

Of glowing amber

Half closed like a cat

But never ever seeing

What I had

Or what I missed.

Some people will tell you

What it is, that they want

But others just hold it in

And hate you in the dark.

She slowly disappeared

And I never noticed
Slipping through my fingers

In incremental amounts.

She was gone

Before I noticed
And by then it was too late

As I  franticly waved my arms

At a formless body of smoke.

You can’t go back

But it’s hard to move forward

When you remember every word

And they never fade away.

In the end

The ghost is me

An invisible man

In a world of the dead.

Unable to let go

And unable to leave

Still lingering in shadows

An reliving my death.

Skullduggery

Skullduggery    4/24/2012

Some things take time

And sometimes to solve a mystery 

You have to dig

A little deeper

Or search 

A little longer.

Excavating dirt and clay

And sifting though the ashes
You might find some broken pottery,
Tools, or even bones
Crumbling and forgotten. 

They also lived

And they also knew
Walking in the same places
And asking the same questions
Thousands of years ago.

We are not, half as different

As we think we are
But we have them
And they did not have us.

It shouldn't be a mystery

And they probably did their best

Trying to be good
And blazing trails
No one had traveled before.

We can study, and we can learn

Dusting off the remains
Imagining the folly
And staring at skulls.

Many long nights have passed

With the countless migrations of man
High tide and low tide
Up, down
Dumb and dead.

Bloody revolutions

And genocide
Intermingled with resurgence
In a ceaseless cycle
Of sleep and wakefulness.

Wars of attrition

And belligerent dictators
Clawing for power
And domination.

But still we do not learn

Even though
The evidence remains
In historical fact
Recorded and numbered.

We fail to see the paradox

Buried under our feet
Showing tolerance to the intolerant
And all running away.

You can’t lift anyone up

By destroying the strong
And you cannot trust an enemy
Who lusts for your blood.

If a man has eyes

Then let him see
Staring into the murky waters
To see what is to come.

Men who hate, will kill

And men who love, will save
But a man who loves enough
Will know when he must
Resist and fight.

Many are those

Who played it safe
Preferring not to notice
Those dragged away.

And many were those

Who stayed silent
Watching the truth silenced
And the good butchered.

But who could save them

When they were the last
Taken with their children
And killed in the night.

We think we are special

And we think we are immune
That enslavement and murder
Could never happen
In the here and now.

But not every enemy

Beats down the gates
And not every psychopath
Is as obvious as the last.

Some will come smiling

And some will call you, their friend
But you will know them by their words
And know them by their heart.

Their criticisms and their silence

Speak louder than words
And their mentors and controllers
Shall pull all the strings.

They lie because they have to

In order to get what they want
Just enough to take
What their abilities
Could never acquire.

Wise people 

Look behind the mask
Recognizing the truth
No matter how it looks.

For better it is

To lose favor
Than it is to condemn the future
And better it is to fight for fairness
Than to fight for survival.

Awaken to the past

To see the future unfold
Because this is not the first
But it could be the last.

Wear a Black Ribbon

Where a Black Ribbon     4/23/2012  

Double diamond seventeen

Makes me think

Of people and shapes

As the codes endlessly stream

To make me

Who I am.

 

I am coming home

And bringing hell with me

Burning long streaks

Down a black ribbon road.

You can hear the sound

Of explosive detonations

As they reverberate

Inside of metal

Furiously churning

Hotter and hotter. 

The fire fight has begun

And I have no time

For any apologies

Just using up all that I can

And laying waste

Along the way.

The codes stream through my mind

As I remember

Each and every one

Spinning out of memory

At just the right time.

 History stretches out

And reaches backwards

Into the hidden black places

Deep under the ground.

 The kind of places

Where experiments are conducted

Where life can be created

Engineered and mutated.

You can see the afterglow

If you stare long enough

The truth behind the lies

And the clues in the dust.

Some men are trained

And some men are ravaged

Hunting the hunters

Out on the range.

I am an anachronism

And I am an enigma

An aberrant personality

Defiant and rebellious.

A square peg

With all his edges broken

Force fitted into the groove

And wedged in tight.

Always searching

And always uncomfortable

Restrained, restricted,

Unfinished and unknown.

Drug along

But fighting for every inch

Unreformed

And unrepentant.

Where are the warrior poets?

And where are the courageous?

As silent as the dead

And hiding in the shadows.

Live, breathe and fight

As long as you’re able

And as long as you can

Because even death cannot kill

What the spirit has won.

But this isn’t about me

Because I am not alone

And neither are you

But one of many

Unseen and unheard.

Flip the switch

And turn on the light

But be ready to notice

And be ready to fight.
 
For we battle with more than swords

And we fight more than men

But complacency, ignorance

Denial and  deception.

Take back the day

And take back the night

Even if it risky

And even if it hurts.

 
Because a life without pain

Is like a life without joy

And better it is to pay the price

Than it is to lose your soul.

First Flight

First Flight 4/20/2012

Everyone has doubts
And everyone has pain
Even though we may be jealous
And even though
We complain.

If you never had
A long dark night
Then maybe you haven’t lived
And if you never laid awake
Then maybe you are dreaming.

The arrogant and the vain
Love to brag and boast
Self appointed demi gods
Who only worship themselves.

Yes this world
It belongs to them
The self absorbed and foolish
But that is ok
Because I don't want it
Or need it anyway.

It is all just an illusion
And it is all just a joke
A temporary pacifier
And a momentary
Puff of smoke.

They can have their glory
And they can wear
Their pressed tin crowns
Praising themselves
All the way down.

As for me
Give me freedom
And give me art
Sea salt in my face
And a fire in my heart.

Let the bells ring out
And let the birds cry
That there is still beauty
And inspiration.

Let me live an authentic life
And let me remain
The essential me
Living and loving
My own kind of way.

We are not long on this earth
And our lives pass
Like the flash of a rain drop
Falling down a silver string.

So let it flow
And bubble in all directions
As free as a bird
Soaring high
And diving fast.

The Metronome

The Metronome 4/19/2012

Sometimes you get premonitions
And sometimes you get a feeling
A twinge in the gut
Or a light in your brain.

A strange and awful knowledge
Or a telescopic vision
Of what was
Or what might be.

A hunch becomes a hint
And a vision becomes a glimpse
A version of a possible future
Or one of thousands.

Once the clock ticks
Then it is done
But I always wonder
And I always question.

But if we saw
And it came true
Then what does it mean
Leaving you baffled
And full of questions.

It would need no proof
Because you would remember
What you knew or thought
Of a strange remote observation
Lost in time.

It is these things
That make me wonder
And it these things
That make me smile.

Such is the perception
Originating in the soul
A mental picture
Of things yet to come.

Like a ghost from the future
With death in his hands
Pointing out your grave
While you are still living.

Some things are so real
That they surpass all understanding
Inexplicalbe, haunting
Surreal and bizarre.

Sometimes they are dreams
And I have had a few
So real I could feel the touch
Provoking ideas and feelings
That I will never forget.

When my skin became electrified
As I sensed the coming knowledge
Making me shiver with anticipation
At approaching revelation.

As real now
As they were then
The strange and surreal memories
As close to reality
As anything I have seen.

Traveling forwards or backwards
We see all the possibilities,
Potentials, and risks
But it is what we do
That matters.

We hold all the world
And our actions, ripple outwards
Unseen, unknown, and unmeasured
But for the light of God
Hidden forever.

Loved or unloved
Alone or among friends
We are what we are
Traveling through perceptions.

Some men will be remembered
By what they accomplish
But not every man
Is the same
Or lives the same.

For me or for you
It might not be the same
And perhaps the greatest things
Are unseen and unknown.

What we do
Or maybe even what we didn't do
Just as important
For everything and everyone.

Remember this day
And remember this night
Because even the smallest thing
Can make the greatest difference.

The knowledge is here
And the truth is everywhere
Above and beneath the surface
And begging to be heard.

But it’s not just the privilege
Of knowing that matters
But how we live
And love
Every tick
And every day.

If you loved me

If you Loved Me 4/18/2012 Rob McManus

If you loved me
Then maybe you would know
What it is that I dream
And what it is
That I want.

But I don’t expect
Any miracles
And don’t bother to ask
If I believe in happy endings.

That is for the romantics
And that is for the foolish
Those who think a feeling
Is more important than truth.

My feelings change
A hundred times a day
And my emotions
Are like a stormy sea.

If I drifted with it
I would be lost forever
Sinking in the deep
And rotting at the bottom.

But I have rigged my sails
And I shall use a compass
Cutting through
No matter the cost.

Names and faces change
And we may fall out of favor
But the truth remains
And nothing else
Can compare.

I have looked out
And took it
Full on the face
Enduring the blows
One after another.

And what a terrible weight
Is the burden of loyalty
Weighing you down with obligation
And drudgery.

But what would I be
And what would I become
If my love meant nothing
But happiness and pleasure.

Here one season
And then gone in another
Flying south
When the cold winds came.

But I would rather be the hated
Than sit around and pretend
And the worst of all is indifference
Cold, dead, and cruel.

No, that is for the shallow
That that is for the foolish
Living on borrowed time
Half asleep and dreaming.

Cut me down
Or cut me to pieces
Just never leave me hanging
And drifting in doubt.

Kick, scream
And dye your hair pink
But never give in
And never give up.

Think, dream
And drag me along
But never be afraid
That I might not understand.

The unsaid is the worst
And the truth is always better
Than walking on egg shells
Or parsing words.

But never lose your wit
And never lose your heart
Dragging me into the madness
That I know and love.

Others can have their safety
If that is what they call it
And they can keep up their appearance
No matter what it costs.

But I’ll take the fire
Any day and any way
Even if it hurts
And even if I cry.

There are some things
We may never understand
And some dreams that will always
End up
Unrealized.

But stick with me
And I’ll stick with you
Even though it hurts
And even though it’s hard.

We might lose
Just as often
As we win
But as long as there’s a choice
You will never lose me.

There is nothing like living
And I have lived it both ways
Suffering enough to learn
The better of the two.

The hatred of a few
Can spoil the love of many
And the hatred of many
Poisons the world.

But the unselfish love
Of even one
Can make all the difference
Healing every wound
Forever.

Concrete Paradise

Concrete Paradise 4/17/2012

Sleep if you can sleep
But if you can’t
They maybe you will notice
The silence of the deep
And the darkness of the hole.

When I sleep
I dream dreams
And when I wake up
I dream that they are real.

I glide on the streets
And travel back in time
Over the concrete hills
To a paradise
Long lost and found.

Welcome to the shadows
And welcome to the dark
Where it’s always in the middle
Of an endless restless night

A deep heavy atmosphere
Weighs down on our heads
Covering the world
Thick, wet
And blacker than black.

There is a strange calm
And a stillness to the air
Filled with anticipation
For something to appear.

They have seen me
And I have seen them
But they have never known me
And see what they want.

I have seen hatred
And I have seen contempt
Not because of who I am
But what I represent.

Others may imagine
That you are evil
Or that you are good
But seldom do they search
Their own hidden heart.

This is it
A concrete paradise
Of uneven sidewalks
And graffiti
Where all the metal is rusty
And all the glass is broken.

I have my crucifix
And I have my ancient art
Covering my skin
In symbols and Latin

The ivy has its tendrils
And it has grown over the wall
Covering up my name
Where I once wrote it
So very long ago.

Such are the forgotten
And such are the first
Because we all soon forget
What we were
And what we are.

You can either come on out
Or hide behind a corpse
Holding onto the resentments
That have all been
Beat to death.

I was born different
And I have become who I am
A different creature
And for different reasons.

I asked for something greater
And I opened up my heart
Deciding at the last possible moment
What it is
That I believe.

I could have given up
And I could have given in
But instead I reached inward
To find somthing more.

Deep down inside
We have the secrets in our heart
But it dies without nourishment
And it withers without love.

All is not as it seems
And be careful how you think
Changing not your heart by association
Or your respect by shame.

Look deeper
And peer inside yourself
Confronting the truth between the lies
And searching out the reasons
From one to the next.

The pavement is cold
And the pavement is hot
But in the end it feels the same
Hard, cracked
Impersonal and dead.

If my eyes are the devils
Than God will search them out
But if a man is good
Then what is there to doubt?
And what is there to fear?

Drag and Drop

Drop and Drag 4/16/2012

Flagged, tagged and bagged
Another day is almost over
As it bleeds into
A long and restless night.

Tension builds
And then it explodes
Heads busted over nothing
And shot full of holes.

Someone will clean it up
And somebody will ask the questions
While others wring their hands
And blame someone else.

Passions flare
And accidents happen
But life drags on
Long after
The pavement shatters bone.

You can say what you want
But wise people
Can always see the signs
Knowing what the truth is
Hidden between the lines.

And I walk down the street
Without holding back
Larger than life
And living it all
As loud as I can.

Just as free
As I am fearless
Because I am not impressed
And I am not scared.

And there is no need to argue
And no need to explain
Because I have heard it all before
And it doesn’t change a thing.

We try so hard
And we plan for the future
Like we think we have forever
And any of it matters.

But nothing ever lasts
And nothing ever remains
At least nothing you can measure
Or hold in your hands.

I will live until I die
And that is all
I know for sure
But that doesn’t make me lose
What I never owned at all.

Others can do this
Or they can do that
But I what should I care
Hold it, love it, or kill it
I am not coming back
Until I get the limit.

A heart full of poison
And a bag full of bones
Walking backwards to the beginning
With my head over my shoulder.

Everything happens
And everything waits
As reality splits off
Into different possibilities
Branching out
Into eternity.

But the secret
Is between the branches
Just waiting for us to grow
And understand
When we are wise enough to learn
And good enough to know.

Nothing is lost
And nothing is over
But all remains
Hidden and waiting.

And that is the reason
For good men to smile
That nothing is forever
Except love and dreams.

We shall have it all
Just as soon as we know
And slip on through
From here to the next.

Remember

Remember 4/13/2012

Today is another day
Another day of living
And another day of wondering
About what I am supposed to do
On another day existing
And another day, without you.

As time goes by
It hurts a little less
As the distance grows
Between then and now.

A callous has grown over my heart
And the stabbing pains
Have become more like a sting
Come and gone.

They no longer double me over
And I seldom lay awake at night
Even though I am hollow
And even though I doubt.

At the time
The loss was overwhelming
And I thought that I would die
As if everything I ever dreamed
Or loved
Caved in on itself.

For some reason I lived
And by some miracle I am here
Still alive and treading water
But never again the same.

I am a lot more careful
And I am a lot more guarded
Because now I see
And now I know.

It never occurred to me
Just how fragile life was
And I didn’t really understand
How precious a treasure
Love could be.

I don’t go to the same places
Because every time I did
It all came flooding back
Just like it was yesterday.

I look at myself
And I see your memory
Because you made me better
Than I was
Or ever will be again.

I still dream of you
But they are more hopeful now
And no longer are you torn from me
Leaving me reaching out
With empty arms.

Now they are softer
And I never want them to end
Because in my dreams I keep you
And we plan for the future
The one we talked about
But never had.

I mouth the words in silence
And send them upwards in prayer
That in heaven
We will be together
As if we never wept
And never lost.

Some say it does no good
But then they never knew you
And they don't know me
But you and I know different
And have seen eternal truth.

The doubts are gone
And now I see you clearly
As my heart wells up
And lifts me from the ground.

I sink into your eyes
And no where I belong
In sweet eternity
More real than this
And far more profound.