The Last Goodbye and Cruciform

The Last Goodbye 1/21/2006

For KM

Why is it always
That the one thing you need
You can never have
Elusive and remote
As painful as it is beautiful.

I looked around and saw no future
In the sweet smiles of youth
Like it never happened
They are shut away from the past
Forever and dead.

If I thought it could make a difference
I would trade it all away
But all hopes are fading
Smaller and smaller
Until I disappear.

Like a turkey under glass
Split open and eaten
Organs in a bag
Plucked, drawn and quartered
Useless and dead.

So we’ve come to an end
And I’ve run out of words
Put out to drift
In an oceanic world
Of rising waves.

Why is it that the one thing you ask
Is what they cannot give
The one thing so important
That all else falls away.

I didn’t want you to go
I wanted to hide in your arms
I wanted to drown in your wake
Leaving me alone.

I cannot hide my face
But I don’t want them to know
To see my reddened eyes
For the wonderful thing I lost
For they have no idea
How great the love
And how enormous the cost.

Please know I tried
How I hung on each precious word
I never meant to be a burden
Even though I know I was
Never meaning to be so callous
For this agony I have caused.

I would have poured out my heart
I would have cut off my arms
To know that I had a reason
That you might love me again.

Somebody had to lose
For someone else to win
Someone had to pay the price
For the end of suffering.

I was never good at goodbyes
But no man is good at that
I bury my thoughts in memory
And cannot rise.

Why do I fear the unknown?
Why does the blackness seem better?
Why was I afraid to tell you?
The deepest parts of life
Why it hurt so much.

I had a gift I couldn’t keep
A precious stone of great worth
Greater than the money used to purchase
The life that’s washed away.

I didn’t want to see
I didn’t want to believe
Pluck out my eyes
And bury deep the heart
Already weighed and measured
And traded from the start.

Bury my ashes at Bonaventure
If there’s anyone left
To see it through
For I’ve already made the journey
And long for God’s request.

Sprinkle the dirt over my heart
And feel the moment pass
For I am gathered to my fathers
And in his quiet peace at last.

To lay hold of true glory
And at last wear the crown
You shall be my tower
And you shall be my peace
In you I trust this spirit
To bring me through
This fateful hour.

Can death be such a thing to fear?
And false hope such a sin
For I dreamed we had tomorrows
Before death entered in.

Through a crack in the doorframe
Creeping past the kitchen wall
To steal the pearl of great value
And claim what it could not earn
And steal away the future
Before it’s born at all.

Would I be any less guilty?
If I walked away and died
Would I be any less loathsome?
If I stuck around and tried.

I will never be the same again
Joy has taken wing to the sky
The spark is gone
And I will never be as innocent
Or as pure
Now that the end has fallen.

I will always wonder
And I will always mourn
For what we never tried
Before I knew this love had died.

Goodbye to love
I choke on the sobs
So beautiful and elusive
Both my ruin and my shame
Wounding and distant
And I don’t know who to blame.

I shall love you always
Because I saw your soul
Deeply known and cherished
I am without a choice
But to let you go.

Today I lost my family
And I shall never have it back
All hope bleeds into blackness
And tomorrow brings the change
If only I could make a difference
And close up this gaping crack.

God, bear me up
Help me rest upon your heart
Forgive me the consequence
Of this man I failed to start.

Cruciform 2004

A moment of silence in the middle of the night
A moment of solitude in the middle of life
Notched at the intersection above the midway point
The crossbar outstretched and halfway to home.

Searching through the blackened splinters
Ashes of memory in numberless dreams
All that was hidden takes shape out of view
All that was forgotten breaks forth.

Formless matter of earth and clay
Brought forth in the hand in less than a day
Dreaming of other lives different than the ones we’re in
Dark as the night of these disillusioned dreams
Melting the heart like wax in the flame
Regrets and sorrow with no one to blame.

A single flicker of faith
A shred of sacrifice remains
Holding on when we should let go
Bleaching our memory
And scrubbing the stains

The wind drives by
A steady drumbeat of rain
The coals are sleeping
And man is silent at last.

Thoughts and plans are muted
Designs and schemes still undone
Tomorrow hides unexpected events
Unknown consequences and unexplored chances
Love always behind the time
And words too late we find.

The stars like shards of crystal
High above cold and white
Exploding in all directions
Shooting and colliding in the flaming light.

Ten thousand feet per second
A thousand pieces of crystal glow
Cutting sideways through the darkened night
And splitting the time in the middle of their flight

Seventeen minutes past this hour of time
Always later than we think it seems
Undone duties and unspoken words
Coming back throbbing and unkind
Heavy beams of responsibility and loss
Weighed, measured and hung on a cross.

Sharp pointed questions creeping up our throats
Ever wishing that they would go away
Born with a hole in our hearts
Never full but always draining away.

If a half finished life has no purpose
Then it has no meaning
If there is no one greater to trust
Then all we are is earth and dust.

Looking down inside our hearts
I see the burning desire
Immortal spirit a gift of life
The soul and the minds eye awakened
Undeserved wisdom to understand the choice
Quiet and loving I hear the ancient voice.

A moment passes unlike any other
An hour is marked and recedes in time
Just a random accident some would say
Out of the nothingness we came.

An accidental arrangement of matter
An evolution of uncertain ends
These dreams but self preserving fears
And all beliefs are equally valid and true.

I thought I knew the answers
But instead I found the truth
Something beautiful beyond explanation
Swirling high above my head and heart
An answer comes both certain and true
This crossroad of time above and ahead
Was created before time and planned instead.

Although unopened the book reads the same
Although unlived time plays out as planned
Although unnoticed the secrets are revealed
Although rejected his passion has healed.

I cut my hands in a hurry of movement
I lost my voice in an awkward corner
I could not remember what I though I had
Doors are opened and shut forevermore.

I decided to trust against a crooked world
I invited him in to dwell in my heart
Inside there is a peace beyond description
Despite the doubt, fear and dread
Trading a life enslaved to death
Ransomed and returned by a last labored breath.

Sifting through the debated points
God is laughing in his heavenly throne
We plan and argue and debate
Anything to win we pontificate.

A golden crown is upon is head
Soon his kingdom will come
On this earth truth will reign
And his rule will never end.

Watching the heavens for the signs
Searching the verses for secret meanings
Wondering about the secrets we cannot know
Humbled by a thousand different fates
Dreaming of a perfect world we knew but forgot
Lost like the dreams of castles, crosses and Camelot.

A web of dreams is spun
A tip wire of hidden plans in sprung
This cup of wine we drink
Entitled to the vine by pride we think.

A cruciform house in which I write
A cruciform banner under which I’ve sworn
Blood is poured out and soaked in the wood
Blood consecrated, but the promise misunderstood.

Another year has past
And another year lies ahead
Futile to answer or explain the movement
A change of backgrounds silent and sure
Rapidly spilling over its banks
Irreversible the silver chords pull.

40 days or 40 years it makes no difference
Time will wait no longer
A release of thoughts and love I feel
Tumbling forward to what is real.

If all is true then nothing matters
And none can be true in the end
Nothing but our will to trust
Man’s ambition flowing on tectonic crust.

Beat me a sword of blue black metal
Fashion a shield to protect my wounds
Cover my pale arms with fine white linen
Strengthen me against the darkening sky
Anoint my head with perfumed oil
Emboldened ghosts of the spirits fly.

Stripped clean of pride and reason
Scourged of vanity and greed
Broken down to the essential parts
Purged and purified by the iniquity I bleed.

Pierced through hands and feet
Blood is sprinkled on an undeserved life
By another’s loss I am found
Full blooded by sacrifice the full circle round.

It was written and then it was done
A shape takes wing in my mind
Formless and blurry in the receding mists
Slowly rising on a hill completing the story
Rising up high above me
The sign of the cross defining the glory.