Feeling like September 2009

Feeling September 9/3/2009

If there is a time for everything
Then this is a time to endure
The long hot summer of want
Straightened, humbled and sad.

But another September has come
And I can feel it through my skin
The cool breeze blowing East
Rustling the trees above my head
As the smell of fall fills my lungs.

Yes something has changed
But the change is in me
For better or for worse
Something grayer and indistinct
But never again the same.

They say we only remember the good
And maybe this is true
But I can remember it all
So many countless things.

Everyone doesn’t feel the same
Maybe what hurts me
Cannot hurt them
Because everyone has a weakness
And the beast is never far behind
Always looking for a chance
To drag us in the bush.

I have been derailed
And knocked off course
Left to my own directions
And barely making it home.

There are some things
I had to learn
Resourcefulness was one
And Patience another.

Patience is hard
But apathy is worse
Starving your soul
And leaving emptiness behind.

Like a voice from afar
Growing more and more distant
Until you can’t hear it at all
And you are lost.

Something’s are hard to shake
Like regret, guilt, and memory
Pulling you in all directions
So you can’t move at all.

But something’s are like quicksand
And the more you struggle
The more it grabs
Pulling you down
Until you have no choice at all.

There are some painful things
I wish I didn’t have to see
But I cannot avert my eyes
Or suspend my thoughts
Enough to change it.

All there is to do
Is hold my head high
Remembering who I am
And where I am going.

I can’t stand being phony
So I guess I’ll tell the truth
That life goes on
But it will never be the same.

More guarded and melancholy
Less carefree than before
Because all the easy smiles are gone
And I have lost all heart
Towards the purpose I dreamed.

The colors are more muted
And the rain drops colder on my skin
The lurking spark in my eye has dimmed
And I’ll never get it back.

Mere words seem so futile
They fall out on the floor
Wasted and meaningless
Like a tear in the rain.

My thoughts of the future
Are not what they used to be
But somehow I keep going
Pushing with all my strength.

You can auction prints and paintings
And you can clean out the closets
But you can’t scrub away the years
And you can’t make it all ok.

Some people want perfection
But they miss what is pure
That human imperfection of love
That makes art so beautiful
And children so precious.

I think of yesterday
And I live through today
But the future is wide open
Standing at the threshold
Of something I cannot know.

No matter what comes
There is a life I must live
Even if I never understand its heartbreak
Deep down I will still feel the same.


9/4/2009 for Dave

Time has paused for a moment
I can feel it resting above my head
Something has happened Without me
Something is missing and cannot come back.

Born pure, but wounded by life
Some on the outside and some within
We may look or we may turn away
But it doesn’t change a thing.

True at first light
What I always knew in my heart
Sizing up the good and the bad
It’s easy to tell if something’s wrong
But we all have weaknesses
That we do not acknowledge.

Everyone makes choices
And pretend that they’re right
But it doesn’t take much wisdom
To see transparent smiles.

Some are punished for their faults
While others easily forgiven
Despite cruel deception
Some are left to pay the price
And others just walk away.

Do we think no one noticed?
Did we think they can’t see the difference?
As true now as it was then
And I am still here.

Something’s don’t have to be
But we do them anyway
Thoughtless cruelty is the worst
Cutting us in half without remorse.

How cruel it was
Just this past week
But today is tomorrow
And I have come back again.

If others have suffered more
And survived
Then I can bear this burden
Bearing the shame
I sat up straight
With all the dignity I could.

I tried not to notice
But I couldn’t shake the feeling
Of an absurd fate
For such a low price.

I looked into the screen
And stared back into time
But I couldn’t get angry
And I couldn’t make a scene
No, not for me, I simply could not
For others it would be excused
But I am the difference
And someone has to be the man.

How much can you lose and still stand
And can a man live without a soul
Would life be worth it without a conscience?
No not for me it can.

Some kind of strange moral equivalency
Has shaken the equilibrium
Everything has slid backwards
And rests upside down.

And forward is backward
Covered by a thin surface tension
One dimensional like a picture
Meaningless dumb and dead.

There is more that is hidden
More than you think
And more than you know
But the truth will come out
When the winning hand is played.

Friends and family
They live and they die
Gone but for the memory
Every moment and thought recorded
Logged, judged and weighed.

Then who shall wear the crowns?
And how short the shame
That we feel now
Just a fraction of nothing
Unremembered and unknown.

Time and space curve around the sun
In the beginning like the end
Speeding towards a new heaven and earth
A New life and new thoughts
And new you and a new me.