50/50

Fifty-Fifty

Its Fifty-fifty
That I'll lose this feeling
And once its gone
Its harder to get back.

Fifty Fifty it will change tomorrow
Because everyone
Likes to leave a mark
With each day the rules are chaned
As if what matters
Can ever really care.

Six reasons to keep going
And seven more to leave
What should I do and what can I say
Fifty-fifty it won't even matter
And fifty fifty
I’ll die on the way.

They like to use metaphors
And search out what they like
But they can’t see the truth
For pride has cost them their eyes.

Their words fall as useless
As ashes in the rain
Inconsequential as our ambitions
Useless wasted and vain.

Force fitted lives
Will always end unfulfilled
Wallowing in self pity
And full of indifference.

Decisions are easier
If you can just put them off
Until time or circumstance
Decides it for us
Useless and dumb.

And all we end up doing
Is simply shrug our shoulders
Giving in, giving up
And just waiting to die.

Truth is lodged in the throat
Because we hold it in forever
But in the end it just dissappears
Rotting inside the inward mind
As we stare in sorrow
Uphill and backwards
At all the wasted years.

Sugary memories reappear
In the morning twilight of gray sleep
Beyond the doubts of reasons grip
Before I spiral downward
And into the now.

What is real
And what is not
Both occur
In a brief flash before the dawn
But how can we ever know?
If any of it ever happened at all?

Painfully we become aware
And all of it falls away
The beautiful moment
Once immediate and vivid
Becomes faded and pale.

The pain that was once so stabbing
Is now a dull throb in my chest
And a defiant smile of suffering
Finally shows through.

Surviving the wrong side of chances
And somehow coming home again
Fifty fifty to be happy
And fifty fifty to stay.

You are in a better place
Or I might as well drown
I can’t see it
And I can’t see you
But I can feel your spirit
In the gentle kiss
In an unexpected gust of wind.

Other people and all they want
All their decisions fall into place
How they make up a future for us
Without ever understanding why.

They are chasing
The permanence of matter
When all this shall pass away
Smart enough to know you can’t win
But dumb enough to keep on trying.

Caught between half thought conclusions
Just enough to keep you going
But never enough to satisfy the soul
Or make you care.

If life is an accident
Then it has no meaning
If all beliefs are equal
Then none can be true.

You can’t vouch for feelings
But I can make up my heart
Turning inward to conquer
These wandering thoughts
Better than temporary affections
Pulling me in opposing directions.

Walk the ruins
And imagine a time
How it all has disappeared
And remains a horror
Like bleached skeletons
With a handful of dust.

Guilt will make you suffer
And pride will precede the fall
But suffer also will the righteous
And the bitterness we shall taste
Fifty fifty and no better
All grown up to wither and waste.

This future is always coming
No matter how much has passed
At first uncertain
But now faster and faster
With each day
Time dwindles and dies.

All of this goes on
And all of this will go
These things we hold soo tightly
Shall dissapprear
but then return like a cave full of echoes
Haunting and invisible.

Man disappoints
And in the end all efforts fail
Trying to do what was right
But like gravity it falls
Always over backwards
Into a blameless befuddled blob.

The weight of life in fevered chills
Of knowledge hidden and secrets buried
Set to the clock-work inside our brains
The closer we get the further we drift
Always away from the truth
And what’s most important.

So either way
We become lost
In the cracks of consciousness
Gathering the dust of yesterdays
As we curse, fumble and sift.

I’ve taken myself
Out of the game
And I have taken my heart
And hid it well
Where it can’t be touched.

But it for some small chance
Someone shlould ever read these words
Let them take this silver string
This invisible thought of immeasurable prayer
As an unseen link across the distance

Hang it around your neck
A hidden reminder of sacred truth
Wear it instead of shame
For more than enough has happened
For us to know the blame.

We are all free of the past
And there is no man fit to question
And no plans of impermanent earth
That can fill the emptiness of reason
Or save the vanity of selfish passion
Burning brightly, but fading fast.

Whatever the chances
Either way it is unknown
With time enough for what matters
And chance enough to love.



The afterlife

Enduring soul of the ages
Elusive fraction of light
Buried inside body
Less than whole
An incomplete equation
Searching for something to fill
This deeply imbedded longing
For immortal freedom of will.

We are born with an echo
Of how life should be
Implanted in the beginning
Of secret eternity
Before the foundation
Of earth land and sea.

A secret held so long
The hidden wonder we do not know
Untamable spirit falling like fire
Against the odds of eternity
To create and recreate.

What we know is only half
The best part beyond our view
But to reach it we must follow
And follow still the lead
Though we may grow weary
And stumble, fall and bleed.

This disappointment
We’ll beat into a crown
Antique gold all burnished and worn
And lift up our bodies all beaten and torn.

You gave me the mark
Searched me out among the dead
To bear the wounds of suffering
And call me your own.

I lit a candle in a red votive glass
And dipped my fingers in cool water
Alone in a crowd and far removed
Somewhere else but also there.

Soon the first freeze will kiss the night
Off the glaciers the windswept chill
Safe as a secret
Beneath the glaciers bed
Buried frozen continent
Deeply buried in the back of our heads.

Highlighted landscape by a pock marked moon
Only one side reflects the light downward
Just beyond our visual spectrum
Like double sided doubts
We can never resolve.

Seven continents
Seven mountains
Seven years
Seven miles
And seven days.

How long is it?
How much can the heart endure?
So far the distance and so great the pain
Back to where the prophets prayed
And the poets wrote.

The day will come
In fact it’s already here
When even these chains must fall
And I can see it now.

A most beautiful blue sun
And then it starts to whiten
Ultraviolet rays bombarding our heads
Scattered in all directions it fuses and spreads

White marbled steps
Wide and weighty
Time has slowed almost to a stop
So we climb slowly
To a shining dream.

Ghostly is the afterglow
After the heat is gone
All that’s left remaining
Double negative impression
Of a dying world.

My soul is flooded
And my longing is healed
No longer empty
And no longer sick.

I know it will happen
And I know you will be there
Home and happy
Complete and subblime.

I may look different
Than I do right now
But you will know me
And I’ll know you.

A greater joy we’ve never felt
Than that glorious return
Better than these stirrings
And sweeter than these echoing dreams
With all ahead and nothing behind us
Eternity.