Diabolique

Southern Gothic 7/29/2011

The trees form a canopy
And the Spanish moss hangs
Heavy and decadent
In the moist and sultry air.

Time is still
As I walk through the streets
Spanning the centuries
In weathered stones.

The squares line up
Just as they were
But I am different
Than I was then
Aged and beaten.

But wisdom makes me pause
And see the old houses
Not through dreams
But through heartache
And despair.

Something has happened
And something has been lost
Even though the walls remain
The insides have rotted away.

They are buried at Bonaventure
Under the gaze of sculptured angels
With haunting eyes
And pitted with time.

It was silent that day
And I could hear my footsteps
Bouncing back from a distance
Exposing my presence
As a foreigner
In a strange land.

I have been here before
But never have I been so humble
Or careful not to question
But merely just to breath
And absorb.

I thought I knew everything
But a wise man
Should know his limits
And that God’s peace
Surpasses all understanding.

I lived furiously
And devoured all I had
Running headlong into disaster
With rebellion on my lips.

But now I understand silence
And now I truly live
Soaking in all its joy
As I watch my children play.

And I can appreciate
The romantic state of grace
Even in the stately ruins
Overcome by ivy
And so beautiful.

My dreams have grown
As I have shrank
And no longer do I weep
For what is lost
But I hope for what remains.

There are some lessons
That all men should learn
And there is also kindness
In every warning.

That even the most beautiful
Time and place
Both elegant and quaint
Is but a wisp of smoke.

We struggle to grasp memories
And we try to recreate love in our heads
But you can’t put your arms around smoke
And you can’t kiss a memory.

But rather we are left to choose
What it is that we treasure
Whether we are slaves to feelings
Or captains of our heart.

Because feelings escape
And drown in the cross current
While we flounder
And flail
But love is something much greater
That must understand before we know.

To choose a future
Before we have the dreams
And to know what is right
And stand by it
Until the end.

A richer fuller love
Full of promise
But only for the patient
And the forgiving.

The past is only as enchanted
As the future we recreate
And tomorrow only as hopeful
As what we choose to be.



Diabolique 7/29/2011

You don’t have to search
Because the enemy is close
Right behind and beside you
Everywhere you look.

It’s not what you know
Or even what you suspect
That takes away your breath
And leaves you choking on blood.

It is a sudden horror
Just when your guard is down
Because evil is patient
And never misses a chance.

Evil will creep in the cracks
And kill from the inside out
Slow at first
But deadly in the end.

Once you notice the pain
It is already too late
And you have already lost the battle
But have only a chance to die
With dignity and honor.

The past is behind us
But the future is filled with violence
Because we waited too long
There isn’t much left to decide.

But to protect others
And execute the punishment
Before our heart gives out
And we fall into death.

I tired with all my heart
And I did everything I could
Taking my chances
And taking the risks
Just to save
And just to have.

I wanted to have my family
So I gave all I could
But I was stabbed straight through
From back to front
And now I am bleeding
And cannot be saved.

I learned something
Something I never knew
That we are more than bodies
And our will is strong.

I can come back
And I can survive
Not the same but different
And ready to shake the world.

The horror has come back
And the destroyer shall be destroyed
The end collapsing upon itself
And the prey shall become the killer
And take back what was lost.

The places have been traded
But the game isn’t over yet
Because time and conscience
Shall loop over
As the dragon swallows his tail.

I shall be a mystery
As my thoughts tower above
Flowing downwards through the walls
Howling and gnashing my teeth.

Full Blooded

Full Blooded 7/27/2011

Are you afraid of Ghosts?
And have you ever seen one?
Because we think that ghosts are dead
But there are many things
We have not seen
But yet we know
That they are there.

An invisible man
Has no regrets
And he has no remorse
A will without a body
And a horror
Without a plan.

Some men have made a pact
And they are drenched in blood
Twisting the truth into lies
And getting away with murder.

We worry about of doomsday
But it is already here
As we live out a nightmare
That goes on without end.

There places that make you think
Like the white sand dunes
And the dark side of the moon
Quiet distant and remote
And barren to the eyes.

The world is where we are made
But God has given us life
A secret so great
That we will never understand.

Every single thing
Is and was
And every single action
Expands into a million more.

We can guess
And we can think
But deep down we know
Even though we can’t explain.

I am a man
But I have a spirit
And a soul
Greater than dust
And more than meat.

You can only die once
Or maybe not at all
But for some it is forever
The secret and the shame.

I will leave this body again
But still stay the same
Just smashing down what I hate
And building what I love.

I shall kiss
My love in a gentle breeze
And shatter the idols on the floor
Just like I want
And just like I should.

I am a full blooded ghost
And nothing can hold me
And I have come out screaming
And thirsting for revenge.

There is an island
Far away and remote
It is called the island of fire
And it is full of ghosts.

You will find me there
But also here
Where ever I am connected
To the good I have seen.

No one is perfect
And I have felt the sting
But now I shall return
Just to take back
The loved and lost.

Red Dust and All Directions Home

Red dust 7/26/2011

Look around
And look behind
See the dust
And smell the ashes
All that remains
And all we’ll ever have.

Something is different
And something has changed
But not what they say
And not what you hear.

An uneasy feeling
Makes our hearts beat faster
And our minds race
So we try to find distractions
So we don’t have to think.

We consume
And we escape
But the low level pain
Never subsides.

Something is wrong
Beneath our feet
And something is off
In the way people act.

The world has turned
Upside down and backwards
Spinning in another direction
Painful and unnatural.

We have seen the symptoms
But no one understands the disease
Because the truth has no currency
And evil rules the day.

Have you seen the carnage?
Of the bombings and the death
Bloody bodies strewn in pieces
Innocent in the age of terror.

The kings have no clothes
And a straw man is to blame
Because you can’t believe
Everything you hear
And something is terribly wrong.

There is blood in the streets
And our forefathers are disgraced
Because we have wasted
Al l they worked for
And then spit in their face.

The good are held back
But only by themselves
Not knowing or understanding
Exactly who they are.

We all have gifts
But our doubt destroys them all
If only we believed
Then just think
About all the wonders we could do.

You have yours
And I have mine
Discovered too late
For me to save
What I had
And what I lost.

It will get worse
Because it’s not over yet
But there is strength
Enough to make it
If you know where to look
And know who to ask.

I am so far fallen
And I have swallowed
A bitter loss
But I am undefeated
And stronger than ever.

And I shall rise
On the wings of the phoenix
Burning brightly in the night
Rising higher and higher
And still gaining speed.

I know where to go
And I know what to do
Because that is what I have found
And that is what I will do.

Evil men are full of plans
And there never miss a chance
But even their gifts are stolen
And even their kindness is a lie.

They will fear the dark
And they will suffer the terrors
Because I am just a step behind
And getting closer every day.

Here is to the end
With blood in your mouth
And death in your eyes
Alive or dead
Surviving in the end.

Smashing through the surface
And crushing all the ruins
Reborn and recreated
To something better
Just like we always were
But never knew.

All directions home from 2003

The rhythmic vibrations of the tires
Endless white lines across the miles
Counting cars blue, red and gray
Anything to keep awake along the way.

Thinking of other days and other roads
Bright mornings with biscuits and coffee
Roadside truck stops, post cards and taffy
Bone tired truckers resting from their loads.

Driving into the sun past earth, rock and clay
Shadowing jagged lines of high tension wires
Nights in strange towns and boring hypnotic days
Mesmerized by the familiar hum of spinning tires.

Watching clouds drifting across the heavens
White smoky mountains high above me
Ever changing sky and earth across I’ve driven
On my way to a past left behind me.

Drawn home half dreaming and unthinking
Past muddy fields and naked gray trees
Old farmhouses with tattered roofs, and paint peeling
Thinking I could still turn around if I pleased.

I could go anywhere if I wanted
Back east all the way to the coast
Back to the new life I’ve created
Bolting the door of this closet ghost.

But this time the fear has left me
The road home calls from far away
I will hold my parents who raised me
Memories from before I went away.

I will tell them I am sorry
For being gone so long
Explore the attic and relive the story
Look up a friend and admit I was wrong.

For now I must keep driving
Back across remembered miles
Dreaming of tears and kisses on arriving
Comforted by the steady rhythm of the tires.

I will play cards with my mother
Toast red wine with my father
Perhaps rekindle a love long lost
No more running away from the cost.

The sky stretches forever a musky blue and gray
Knowing I will not turn around this day
Telephone polls flashing by, connecting the near and far
Driving ever faster, back to what we are.

Sunrises and sunsets, yet I still haven’t slept
Time to return many promises kept
No time to stop on my way across the miles
Driving on the heart beat of these worn out tires.

Death Board Poets

Death Board Poets 7/25/2011

I wrote poems on my jacket
And I painted verses on the boards
Breaking them in half
And leaving them in the rain.

I spray painted my shirts
And I wore a velvet jacket
Swilling vodka and gin
Because nothing seemed to matter
And nothing ever hurt.

Moving forward upside down
Like a subway on a rail
Flowing upwards and down again
In one fluid motion.

We drank whiskey
And we laughed like wolves
Too young to truly know
But more fragile than immortal.

The sound is in my head
Like it was yesterday
But those days are gone
And can never come back.

I wrote on wood
And I painted on the walls
Anywhere and everything
Countless messages and codes.

Some are here
And some are gone
But we all remain
And we all abide.

There are some mysteries
That no one understands
Like why we are here
And not somewhere else.

To be born in a time and place
And live to see the dawn
While so many countless others
Are dead before they know.

To live and to know
To read and to learn
To feel the vibrations in your feet
And know what you can do.

I can feel it in my head
And I can feel it in every pore
That mysterious electrical charge
That makes me want to jump.

But for the greatest of odds
We are alive at all
That someone or anyone
Could read my words
And maybe somehow understand.

Eternity stretches out
And we are connected
By the thinnest of prayers
Here for just a second
And somewhere else forever.

There is more that what we see
And there is more than what we think
A larger truth
And a greater cause.

This time and place
Shall never come again
And these words that I type
Nothing but a single thread of inspiration.

I am alive
And I shall also smile
That even though more shall die
No curse can last forever.

All of you
Who are my brothers
Rejoice and soak in the sun
But always remember
That all glory is fleeting
But all friendships divine.

Something Beautiful

Something Beautiful

Looking back across the broken pieces
Searching for answers in the folds and creases
Free falling the distance between wrong and right
In a half finished journey interrupted in the night.

Out of the vein and on the floor
Yesterdays inspiration swept behind the door
As voices whisper both close and faraway
Numb as the pain and guilt of the day.

Miles above the heavens are parting
Miles below the earth is boiling
Outside a city is burning
Inside my head
The thoughts are churning.

Molten rock silently shifting
Quiet as the blood ebbing and flowing
High above this pit of dreams
Flowing downward in silvery streams.

Connect by the clockwork of time and space
Eternal ordinance of mystery and reason
Stretched across the firmaments constellations
Shinning crystals of spinning rock.

In the pit of these deep dark thoughts
Like minded souls of wisdom are sought
Cleansed by the fire and purged by the knife
Pruned like the vine
To bring forth life.

I saw something beautiful in this minds eye
Technicolor images
Flashing forward and back
Surreal memories surrounding my perceptions
Viewed through diamonds
Perfect and cold.

A lacquered vermillion box shinning in my hands
Red taillights refracting in the rain
The taste of lime and the smell of her hair
Rum punch and a red velvet chair.

A flood of memories come back to mind
A little black dress and a red neon sign.
A foggy mixture of images
Float into view
A peaceful sky
And pools of water aqua blue.

Fleeting as the snowflakes that melt in your hand
Cold as the boots thawing by the door
Icicles dripping down into crystal spires
Until licked by the tongues of a blazing fire.

The heat of the summer beating on my head
The beauty of the rose bush on the side of the house
Riding our bikes and putting off our cares
Back though a void, I sit and stare.

These feelings that race around my brain
Same as the blood washing down the drain
Trying to catch the air with our hands
Headfirst into a darkness
That no one understands.

Interconnected by bonds
That we can never see
A silvered grid of time
We never knew to choose
Free to live and free to die
Free to admit
And free to deny.

Useless days and wasted nights
Bored with the details and ordinary things
Just like the fruit of life
Taken in and wasted
Then paid out in pain.

Just like this life ebbing forward fast
Careless days
That we knew couldn’t last
Still staring at the crossroads
And sifting through the ashes.

We wonder what to do
We wonder what to say
Do our choices matter in the end?
And will we ever know?

I stood and looked over the ledge
Far down below a rocky gorge
Deep as the secrets we hide in the dark
Obscured by the fog
And covered with reason.

Something beautiful to have and old
Ancient mixture of heart mind and soul
Momentary glimpses of the future I see
Filtered by the silhouettes
Of the loved and the lost.

Thirty thousand feet in the sky
I saw the truth in a deep amber eye
It was hidden and then it was clear
The secret of my heart
Revealed in the sky.

I am still sitting and staring at the flames
Dreaming of the lady on the plane
How could she know and why was she there
This lesson just for me
Or for others to share?

Now I see
And think to myself
That these words are meant
To flow once more
Love like a river forever streaming
Flowing through
Rather than for keeping.

The moments escape like smoke in the air
Straight through my fingers as I stop and stare
Still wondering at the beauty of the flame
No sense left in carrying the blame.

Three minutes to midnight
And lost in my thoughts
Will this be the night? I wonder and guess
As the red pulses glow in flickering embers
Burning with the regrets I confess.

Half thought excuses that we can’t seem to shake
Just like this thirst we can’t seem to slake
Searching for answers that are so hard to find
Looking for the pieces
That are impossible hard to find.

Deep down we all seek the same
Drawn by the feelings we can’t know or name
To the source of light inside our hearts
Back to the beginning of secret longing.

The reason I don’t know
And why me, I still seem to wonder
This message half done in my heart
Kindled by a reason
Hidden from the start.

I hear the glasses and voices
Shallow conversations
That prick at my ear
I can see the faces and the laughter
I think and I wonder.

The message is a sword cutting through my heart
The lesson is clear and framed from the start
Why I never stopped long enough to question
And why I am so lucky.

I remember the feel, color, and smell
Exploding into dreams of the future I see
I can see the answer in their faces
And how we are all connected
Beautiful and loved.

Feeling like September 2009

Feeling September 9/3/2009

If there is a time for everything
Then this is a time to endure
The long hot summer of want
Straightened, humbled and sad.

But another September has come
And I can feel it through my skin
The cool breeze blowing East
Rustling the trees above my head
As the smell of fall fills my lungs.

Yes something has changed
But the change is in me
For better or for worse
Something grayer and indistinct
But never again the same.

They say we only remember the good
And maybe this is true
But I can remember it all
So many countless things.

Everyone doesn’t feel the same
Maybe what hurts me
Cannot hurt them
Because everyone has a weakness
And the beast is never far behind
Always looking for a chance
To drag us in the bush.

I have been derailed
And knocked off course
Left to my own directions
And barely making it home.

There are some things
I had to learn
Resourcefulness was one
And Patience another.

Patience is hard
But apathy is worse
Starving your soul
And leaving emptiness behind.

Like a voice from afar
Growing more and more distant
Until you can’t hear it at all
And you are lost.

Something’s are hard to shake
Like regret, guilt, and memory
Pulling you in all directions
So you can’t move at all.

But something’s are like quicksand
And the more you struggle
The more it grabs
Pulling you down
Until you have no choice at all.

There are some painful things
I wish I didn’t have to see
But I cannot avert my eyes
Or suspend my thoughts
Enough to change it.

All there is to do
Is hold my head high
Remembering who I am
And where I am going.

I can’t stand being phony
So I guess I’ll tell the truth
That life goes on
But it will never be the same.

More guarded and melancholy
Less carefree than before
Because all the easy smiles are gone
And I have lost all heart
Towards the purpose I dreamed.

The colors are more muted
And the rain drops colder on my skin
The lurking spark in my eye has dimmed
And I’ll never get it back.

Mere words seem so futile
They fall out on the floor
Wasted and meaningless
Like a tear in the rain.

My thoughts of the future
Are not what they used to be
But somehow I keep going
Pushing with all my strength.

You can auction prints and paintings
And you can clean out the closets
But you can’t scrub away the years
And you can’t make it all ok.

Some people want perfection
But they miss what is pure
That human imperfection of love
That makes art so beautiful
And children so precious.

I think of yesterday
And I live through today
But the future is wide open
Standing at the threshold
Of something I cannot know.

No matter what comes
There is a life I must live
Even if I never understand its heartbreak
Deep down I will still feel the same.


9/4/2009 for Dave

Time has paused for a moment
I can feel it resting above my head
Something has happened Without me
Something is missing and cannot come back.

Born pure, but wounded by life
Some on the outside and some within
We may look or we may turn away
But it doesn’t change a thing.

True at first light
What I always knew in my heart
Sizing up the good and the bad
It’s easy to tell if something’s wrong
But we all have weaknesses
That we do not acknowledge.

Everyone makes choices
And pretend that they’re right
But it doesn’t take much wisdom
To see transparent smiles.

Some are punished for their faults
While others easily forgiven
Despite cruel deception
Some are left to pay the price
And others just walk away.

Do we think no one noticed?
Did we think they can’t see the difference?
As true now as it was then
And I am still here.

Something’s don’t have to be
But we do them anyway
Thoughtless cruelty is the worst
Cutting us in half without remorse.

How cruel it was
Just this past week
But today is tomorrow
And I have come back again.

If others have suffered more
And survived
Then I can bear this burden
Bearing the shame
I sat up straight
With all the dignity I could.

I tried not to notice
But I couldn’t shake the feeling
Of an absurd fate
For such a low price.

I looked into the screen
And stared back into time
But I couldn’t get angry
And I couldn’t make a scene
No, not for me, I simply could not
For others it would be excused
But I am the difference
And someone has to be the man.

How much can you lose and still stand
And can a man live without a soul
Would life be worth it without a conscience?
No not for me it can.

Some kind of strange moral equivalency
Has shaken the equilibrium
Everything has slid backwards
And rests upside down.

And forward is backward
Covered by a thin surface tension
One dimensional like a picture
Meaningless dumb and dead.

There is more that is hidden
More than you think
And more than you know
But the truth will come out
When the winning hand is played.

Friends and family
They live and they die
Gone but for the memory
Every moment and thought recorded
Logged, judged and weighed.

Then who shall wear the crowns?
And how short the shame
That we feel now
Just a fraction of nothing
Unremembered and unknown.

Time and space curve around the sun
In the beginning like the end
Speeding towards a new heaven and earth
A New life and new thoughts
And new you and a new me.

50/50

Fifty-Fifty

Its Fifty-fifty
That I'll lose this feeling
And once its gone
Its harder to get back.

Fifty Fifty it will change tomorrow
Because everyone
Likes to leave a mark
With each day the rules are chaned
As if what matters
Can ever really care.

Six reasons to keep going
And seven more to leave
What should I do and what can I say
Fifty-fifty it won't even matter
And fifty fifty
I’ll die on the way.

They like to use metaphors
And search out what they like
But they can’t see the truth
For pride has cost them their eyes.

Their words fall as useless
As ashes in the rain
Inconsequential as our ambitions
Useless wasted and vain.

Force fitted lives
Will always end unfulfilled
Wallowing in self pity
And full of indifference.

Decisions are easier
If you can just put them off
Until time or circumstance
Decides it for us
Useless and dumb.

And all we end up doing
Is simply shrug our shoulders
Giving in, giving up
And just waiting to die.

Truth is lodged in the throat
Because we hold it in forever
But in the end it just dissappears
Rotting inside the inward mind
As we stare in sorrow
Uphill and backwards
At all the wasted years.

Sugary memories reappear
In the morning twilight of gray sleep
Beyond the doubts of reasons grip
Before I spiral downward
And into the now.

What is real
And what is not
Both occur
In a brief flash before the dawn
But how can we ever know?
If any of it ever happened at all?

Painfully we become aware
And all of it falls away
The beautiful moment
Once immediate and vivid
Becomes faded and pale.

The pain that was once so stabbing
Is now a dull throb in my chest
And a defiant smile of suffering
Finally shows through.

Surviving the wrong side of chances
And somehow coming home again
Fifty fifty to be happy
And fifty fifty to stay.

You are in a better place
Or I might as well drown
I can’t see it
And I can’t see you
But I can feel your spirit
In the gentle kiss
In an unexpected gust of wind.

Other people and all they want
All their decisions fall into place
How they make up a future for us
Without ever understanding why.

They are chasing
The permanence of matter
When all this shall pass away
Smart enough to know you can’t win
But dumb enough to keep on trying.

Caught between half thought conclusions
Just enough to keep you going
But never enough to satisfy the soul
Or make you care.

If life is an accident
Then it has no meaning
If all beliefs are equal
Then none can be true.

You can’t vouch for feelings
But I can make up my heart
Turning inward to conquer
These wandering thoughts
Better than temporary affections
Pulling me in opposing directions.

Walk the ruins
And imagine a time
How it all has disappeared
And remains a horror
Like bleached skeletons
With a handful of dust.

Guilt will make you suffer
And pride will precede the fall
But suffer also will the righteous
And the bitterness we shall taste
Fifty fifty and no better
All grown up to wither and waste.

This future is always coming
No matter how much has passed
At first uncertain
But now faster and faster
With each day
Time dwindles and dies.

All of this goes on
And all of this will go
These things we hold soo tightly
Shall dissapprear
but then return like a cave full of echoes
Haunting and invisible.

Man disappoints
And in the end all efforts fail
Trying to do what was right
But like gravity it falls
Always over backwards
Into a blameless befuddled blob.

The weight of life in fevered chills
Of knowledge hidden and secrets buried
Set to the clock-work inside our brains
The closer we get the further we drift
Always away from the truth
And what’s most important.

So either way
We become lost
In the cracks of consciousness
Gathering the dust of yesterdays
As we curse, fumble and sift.

I’ve taken myself
Out of the game
And I have taken my heart
And hid it well
Where it can’t be touched.

But it for some small chance
Someone shlould ever read these words
Let them take this silver string
This invisible thought of immeasurable prayer
As an unseen link across the distance

Hang it around your neck
A hidden reminder of sacred truth
Wear it instead of shame
For more than enough has happened
For us to know the blame.

We are all free of the past
And there is no man fit to question
And no plans of impermanent earth
That can fill the emptiness of reason
Or save the vanity of selfish passion
Burning brightly, but fading fast.

Whatever the chances
Either way it is unknown
With time enough for what matters
And chance enough to love.



The afterlife

Enduring soul of the ages
Elusive fraction of light
Buried inside body
Less than whole
An incomplete equation
Searching for something to fill
This deeply imbedded longing
For immortal freedom of will.

We are born with an echo
Of how life should be
Implanted in the beginning
Of secret eternity
Before the foundation
Of earth land and sea.

A secret held so long
The hidden wonder we do not know
Untamable spirit falling like fire
Against the odds of eternity
To create and recreate.

What we know is only half
The best part beyond our view
But to reach it we must follow
And follow still the lead
Though we may grow weary
And stumble, fall and bleed.

This disappointment
We’ll beat into a crown
Antique gold all burnished and worn
And lift up our bodies all beaten and torn.

You gave me the mark
Searched me out among the dead
To bear the wounds of suffering
And call me your own.

I lit a candle in a red votive glass
And dipped my fingers in cool water
Alone in a crowd and far removed
Somewhere else but also there.

Soon the first freeze will kiss the night
Off the glaciers the windswept chill
Safe as a secret
Beneath the glaciers bed
Buried frozen continent
Deeply buried in the back of our heads.

Highlighted landscape by a pock marked moon
Only one side reflects the light downward
Just beyond our visual spectrum
Like double sided doubts
We can never resolve.

Seven continents
Seven mountains
Seven years
Seven miles
And seven days.

How long is it?
How much can the heart endure?
So far the distance and so great the pain
Back to where the prophets prayed
And the poets wrote.

The day will come
In fact it’s already here
When even these chains must fall
And I can see it now.

A most beautiful blue sun
And then it starts to whiten
Ultraviolet rays bombarding our heads
Scattered in all directions it fuses and spreads

White marbled steps
Wide and weighty
Time has slowed almost to a stop
So we climb slowly
To a shining dream.

Ghostly is the afterglow
After the heat is gone
All that’s left remaining
Double negative impression
Of a dying world.

My soul is flooded
And my longing is healed
No longer empty
And no longer sick.

I know it will happen
And I know you will be there
Home and happy
Complete and subblime.

I may look different
Than I do right now
But you will know me
And I’ll know you.

A greater joy we’ve never felt
Than that glorious return
Better than these stirrings
And sweeter than these echoing dreams
With all ahead and nothing behind us
Eternity.

The last seige

Legacy Park 7/20/2011

If you have never seen
Then you haven't been looking
And if you haven't wondered
Then you cannot know.

I am the broken one
And my wings were damaged
But I was carried
As far as I needed
Until I was healed
And until I was ready.

There are bigger things
Than what we fear
And there are greater horrors
Than what we have lost.

The dark half is about to pass
And the destroyer rides
Both high and mighty
But he can only kill
Those who have forgotten.

I have drifted
Far down the shore
Swept away while sleeping
Into dark and unfamiliar waters.

But awakening too late
I have floundered and sunk
Descending into the deepest dark
Of the blackest sea.

My arms are pale and marked
And my heart is frozen forever
Because of the great distance
And painful dreams.

For some reason
I have tried
Even though it was useless
To put my arms around a memory
The kind we can never keep.

I have been plucked out of the grave
And placed in a life
A stranger
In a strange land.

A foreigner without a home
And an orphan without a hand
I have become a living ghost
And an awkward reminder
The kind that never dies
But always abides.

I have come to your house
In the night
To knock over and destroy
But only the damned
And only the cruel.

I am healed for a reason
And I am filled with a spirit
That cannot be denied
Here for a time
But everywhere forever.

Are there ghosts in your house
I have them in mine
Coming and going
Speaking and crying.

Tonight I will stetch out my wings
And move the molten iron
Coming from what it left
To take back what is mine.

The last seige 7/20/2011

Blood and iron
Heavy timber and stone
I built my love a castle
And then I burned it down.

We put things together
And then tear them apart
Just for fun or by accident
Sudden horror, or random chance.

I lit the torch
And walked down the halls
Drinking form a pewter cup
Inspecting the defenses
And all that I had made.

But even the walls thick and steep
Could not keep me safe
Or prevent a Trojan horse
Filled with lies and murder.

In through the back door
A sudden terror
Has left us bleeding
And gasping for air.

The good have waited too long
And now they are lined up for death
Tracked, tagged and numbered
Unarmed and defenseless.

They let the opportunities slip
And all routes of escape close
No more open windows
And no more open doors.

They were shamed into silence
When they were right all along
And they were afraid of words
Before they faced the arrows.

The time to speak is now
Unapologetic and bold
Unafraid of accusation
And unashamed.

There is an ancient secret
The one they keep hidden
About who we are
And where we are going.

They prefer to lie
And they prefer to distract
Anything to keep the status quo
For temporary benefits
Or profits.

It’s about power
And it’s about control
Controlling your future
And controlling your success.

It’s not about what right
And it’s not about what’s fair
It’s all about how it looks
And the outcome they care.

The walls are breached
And the screams are loud
More than past the time
To grab our swords and fight.

The fires are burning
And the babies are crying
If we do not act
They will never survive.

The future is more important
Than my safety or comfort
And freedom is more precious
Than peaceful slavery.

Liberty is calling
Because the devil’s at the door
Beating down the innocent
And killing all he can.

As for me
The choice is made
And I have set my face
Into the storm
And I will not turned.

The rest is for the reader
And the end will not matter
For there is no glory for fools
Whether they live or die.

But for the good
God lifts them up
Keeping them forever
Their death a mere transition
To the world
They themselves have made.

Willing to Kill

Willing to Kill 7/19/2011

Every man is tested
And every soul is weighed
Marked measured and known
Not just for the guilty
But also for the good.

There are only so many chances
Until the journey is done
And then we are taken
At the end of countless heartbeats
Time stops in an instant
And then lasts forever.

She didn’t like my drinking
But I was sober when she left
Leaving me drowning in the past
Without a boat or paddle.

I had nowhere to turn
And I had nowhere to go
Surrounded by her memory
And haunted by the ghosts.

I went through the motions
And I tried to survive
But its hard to go on living
Purposeless and alone.

I was hung out to dry
For sins I had not committed
And I was denied
When I needed help the most.

They said that they loved me
But they couldn’t wait to kill
Stealing everything they could
And leaving me by the road
For the wild dogs to kill.

Any decency could have saved me
But nothing was left to chance
Every single thing was done
To steal, blame and destroy.

A thousand years ago
I would have put on chain mail
And cut off their head
But now only the evil can kill
So we just give up instead.

There were some things
That I really wanted to do
But there are something’s
That no man can do
At least for a man with a conscience
And a heart and soul.

It’s wrong to burden children
With the cancer of vengeance
Or a legacy of blood
And how can any mortal know
The perfect judgment of God.

A life unexpressed is a pity
And a soul unexplored is a waste
Leaving nothing but taking everything
Trapped by a vacuum of need.

If it seems wrong
It probably is
And if there is any doubt
We all know what is right
And should know what to do.

So much is lost
And so much is wasted
If we only knew
And if we only understood.

What would you do
And what would you say
If you knew what was coming
And there was no escape.

Would you think a little different
And maybe tell the truth
If you knew that all you have
Would be worthless
And all you loved
Would disappear.

A full and rich harvest
Was ripening on the vine.
But now it is gone
Eaten by locusts
And stolen in the night.

A terrible twisted fate has spun
And I have fallen down the spiral
Sinking into the nothingness
Of a black vortex of death.

A fall without a bottom
And a deep rift without a grip
A free fall out into nothing
And lasting forever.

Something awful is coming
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
For there is nothing new
Under this dead sun
And we get what we deserve.

The locusts are coming
And there is no end in sight
Consuming what no army could take
And destroying all we made.

If this is the end
And Armageddon is near
Then there is nothing left to keep
And nothing left to fear.

There is no future
For those who don’t remember
And there is no hope
For those who don’t care.

Anything can happen
And everything can pass away
Unless someone takes a stand
And suffers the blows.

We give up and we give away
Yes even the greatest of gifts
Are traded away and lost
But for a few courageous men.

Is peace and survival so great
That we prefer mediocrity
And is the status quo so desirable
That we would risk slavery?

The days of the sunshine friends
And opportunistic poets
Are coming to an end
Because they have seen it coming
And they have all run away.

They stuck their heads in the sand
And think that they are safe
But no one can run forever
And no one can escape death.

The world can be shaped
By anyone and anything
But we have been content
To let it fester, boil, and bleed.

Time quickly passes
And the time for comfort has passed
Because we have waited too long
And there is no one left but us.

Without the good
Evil shall have its way
Crushing the innocent
And oppressing the weak.

The time has come
To live boldly
And the time has come
For sacrificial honor.

But many are those
That are called
But few are those who listen
And rarer are those who follow.

All men must die
So it is no great sacrifice
To say we are ready
But harder still is the courage
To do what must be done.

To take the kind of action
That risks all money and reputation
Telling the real truth
And finishing the fight.

Maybe they won’t
But maybe I will
Unafraid to die
And willing to kill.

Black is the color

Black Sheep

Black is the feeling
And black is the color
When we look backwards at the past
Or inwards to the pain.

We set ourselves apart
And ruminate in the night
Thinking of the darkness
Apart from the light.

I am a black sheep
Because I have run away
Hiding under the covers
Of darkness
Thick and final.

I have sought out a deep dark hole
And I have covered myself in death
Absorbing all the pain
In black lesions.

I wear the scars proudly
But I have yet to know the joy
Of giving up the numbing remembrance
To truly live and breathe.

An unending the sequence of day and night
Living the same day over again and again
Like a pebble rolling along with the tide
Numberless in the sands of time.

This reservoir of disappointed dreams
This ocean of the everyday
Unsearchable as the secrets of the deep
Unknowable as the thoughts we keep.

Staring down into the eyes of the soul
Breaking these thoughts down in my heart
Essential moments few and far between
All else wasted and meaningless it seems.

Looking through a curtain of blindness
Through velvety folds of wishful thinking
Searching for answers both true and clear
Through a prism of smoke and mirrors.

This cold pale whiteness that I can hear and see
Background noise just beneath recognition
Listless and bored by the sum of my days
Piled up like deadwood and primed for ignition.

Moving in the shadows
With the vampires of yesterdays pride
Slowly approaching to steal my heart
As my dreams and reality collide.

We feel it in the sunny days
In the moments of joy and laughter
The hope of safety and riches
And immortality.

Far away from us in the day of darkness
Weighted and crushed into the ground
Alone and afraid of the days ahead
And the load of stones we carry.

Somewhere in a forest
The trees are burning
Somewhere in a cave the terrorists are plotting
Somewhere in a boardroom someone is stealing
And before a judge someone is lying.

The days stretch out in front and behind
Each one seeming the same
History repeated in the same old lessons
That we never know
And never learn.

Are our lives unique some may wonder?
Still others never even bother to ask
Arguing and chasing unimportant things
Filling our days with meaningless tasks.

No one seems to wonder at the meaning
Is this what life is all about?
Does it have any meaning besides what I feel?
Regretting the past and dreading the future.

Is there really a beginning or an end?
And what does eternity really mean?
All our answers are just a guess
As no one knows
The number of our days.

I have bones and I have blood
I can feel my heart beating below
Inside there is a spirit and a soul
More than I can measure
And more than I know.

Inside our skin and every man’s house
There are the secret skeletons
Like the monster trying to get out
Of mind and memory.

Everything we ever wanted
And everything we think we need
Doesn’t mean anything at all
And it won’t stop the tears
Or the blood.

All that we work for
Will not buy a minute more
All that we strive for
Lasts but a moment
And then no more.

I thought about this life and what it means
And I thought about the strangeness I feel
Because I am but a visitor
And a alien
Misunderstood and alone.

My enemies may surround me
And it comes as no surprise
Because lies and deception run rampant
But still I will not fear.

This world is full of mockers
And they laugh
As the blood of the good
Runs and pools
Unaware of the future
Black and sticky.

But the good who remain
Must rise and risk
Because without us
There is no future
Or hope.

We must break the shell
And struggle to be free
Standing apart without regret
Unafraid of ridicule or loss

The fear has left me
The regrets and worries as well
Because I have opened up my heart
And poured it on the page
At peace with the past
And ready to live.

Alienation and Knights in Crimson and White

Alienation 2005

Close enough to touch
A breathes distance between us
Closer still than dark memory
Stretched backward over time
In my head, on this clear cold day
Never soo close
Yet a million miles away.

Meaningless words falling unheeded
How I once hung on each one
Leaning forward to catch their meaning
Elusively swirling up and away
Uselessly they fall empty and dying.

In a crowded room we should be happy
Casually breezing with laughter and sound
Cluttered lives to busy to notice
Straight rows and columns to fill
Days and weeks committed ahead
Overwhelmed with drudgery and dread.

Everything different yet somehow the same
Separate yet together we live
Divided by demands of repeating needs
Chasing after glimpses of better lives
Thrashing in all directions.

All days equal the sum
Laid out and dried by the sun
Strung together in horizontal lines
Upside down
And dead on the vine.

Hungry for more than food or drink
Thirsting for something beautiful and real
We never remember until the end
The soft echoes of love once known
Or a last embrace
Muffled with tears.

Looking backwards through the green glass
Shattered in my throat the tiny shards
I keep going for what I don’t know
Standing still and absorbing the blows.

The voices recede in and out of hearing
The words diluted in parts per million
Trying to find what’s fake or real
With no time to lose, cajole or steal.

Racing against the insignificance of being
Raging against this meaningless pursuit
A purpose and reason or maybe something more
And wondering if it matters at all.

Into the cold wind I walk the street
Either on purpose or by chance
I live and plan the next day or week
Any circumstantial reason
Is enough I think.

Through a landscape of doubt and dread
Apocalyptic thoughts in the back of my head
Hard to fake interest in this trivial debate
When around the corner
Lay a thousand secret fates.

I wish I could go back
And start again
Because I feel hollowed from the inside out
With nothing left worth keeping
Or asking for.

We can’t go back or move forward
Not without losing something first
Forgetting what’s behind and dead,
Even though we cannot know
What waits for us ahead.

This alienation I know and feel
Estranged from the man I was
Indifferently separated from the world I knew
Ghosts of the heartland from which it grew.

Wild blood coursing through our veins
Immortal words from mortal mouths
Falling on the page in haphazard code
Flashing in my brain
As my heart erodes.

Lasting longer than sense or reason
Longer still than what I felt or said
The smallest words much less
Than the half whispers or tears.

The greatest acts of life are lost
No one will record the secrets held
Thinning with time and distance
Expanding backwards in a loop
Rolling over again at some point behind
And falling earthward.

Words of love, and the quiet moments between
Unintended consequences we never knew
What we gave that no one knows
Unseen the fruit
From the dead seed grows.

Once we loved and then it changed
I can’t remember how or when
My thoughts undone fall useless
Upside down and rearranged.

Too tired to try and keep this alive
Worn out and empty from what I gave
Used up and spent day after day
And not much left to do or say.

No hate or contempt to stoke
Faded love like a memory long ago
Hanging long after the feelings gone
Expecting too much, even though it’s wrong.

A long distance between then and now
The colors are fading in shades of gray
Hidden emotions ready to ignite
All in my mind
This darkness and light.

Once the answers seemed soo clear
Taste, sound, and color
We stopped too short to see the sun
Always elusive
The perfect season.

Wasted the heart to no regard
Given to work, ambition and gain
Looking back across the missing years
Meaningless gaps filled in with tears.



Knights in crimson and white 2004

On chargers white they gallop to the fight
Banners held high in the air
To a distant battle in a land of blight
Straight to the Beasts hidden lair

Gleaming armor and swords at their sides
Trusting God to lead them in the fray
Waving farewell to those they love
Resolute and solemn.

Far away in the windswept desert
The enemy lies in wait
Other men in desert lands to the south and east
On horses they fly
Not contemplating their fate.

Quickly does the day of battle come
Dreaming of ladies with roses in their hair
Stouthearted they vow not to break or bend
In the beast’s pitiless stare

Stopping not, for regrets, nor a future held fast
Knowing God’s rewards do forever last
Some will return and some will be lost
Shields of white with a crimson cross

Far from stony strongholds
They try to forget their worries and cares
Faith, hope, and love for ladies fair
Through thorns and thickets they cut their way
Bloodied and beaten before the fateful day

To the desert land they head
A pit of darkness in the serpents grip
Ever moving despite fear and dread
Determined not to falter, fail or slip

The battle lasts for days in the blowing sand
Blood shed willingly at a terrible cost
Friends and brothers side by side
Shields of white with a crimson cross.

Cries of wounded pierce the sky
Swords, axes and shields clash
In a cacophony of sound
Dead and dying
In heaps of chain mail
Drenched in bloodstains.

Few were the victors in this battle found
The smell of death permeates the air
Pale bodies lifeless on the ground
Armor rusting on men
Once bold and fair.

Lives offered up for brothers, friends and wives
Knowing the victory
Already won
Defeating the men of the beast
And souls rising on wings of iron.

In tunics stained in crimson
The few survivors return
Telling tales of gallantry and heartbreak
And their is weeping in the hall
And tower stairs.

Bonfires for the fallen silently burn
Gone but not forgotten
But for men of honor
None could ever live.

If to the desert you must go.
Remember the knights of old
Bravery and noble deeds
To others must be told
Victory is ours
Blood bought and won
By the cross of God’s holy son.

The Last Goodbye and Cruciform

The Last Goodbye 1/21/2006

For KM

Why is it always
That the one thing you need
You can never have
Elusive and remote
As painful as it is beautiful.

I looked around and saw no future
In the sweet smiles of youth
Like it never happened
They are shut away from the past
Forever and dead.

If I thought it could make a difference
I would trade it all away
But all hopes are fading
Smaller and smaller
Until I disappear.

Like a turkey under glass
Split open and eaten
Organs in a bag
Plucked, drawn and quartered
Useless and dead.

So we’ve come to an end
And I’ve run out of words
Put out to drift
In an oceanic world
Of rising waves.

Why is it that the one thing you ask
Is what they cannot give
The one thing so important
That all else falls away.

I didn’t want you to go
I wanted to hide in your arms
I wanted to drown in your wake
Leaving me alone.

I cannot hide my face
But I don’t want them to know
To see my reddened eyes
For the wonderful thing I lost
For they have no idea
How great the love
And how enormous the cost.

Please know I tried
How I hung on each precious word
I never meant to be a burden
Even though I know I was
Never meaning to be so callous
For this agony I have caused.

I would have poured out my heart
I would have cut off my arms
To know that I had a reason
That you might love me again.

Somebody had to lose
For someone else to win
Someone had to pay the price
For the end of suffering.

I was never good at goodbyes
But no man is good at that
I bury my thoughts in memory
And cannot rise.

Why do I fear the unknown?
Why does the blackness seem better?
Why was I afraid to tell you?
The deepest parts of life
Why it hurt so much.

I had a gift I couldn’t keep
A precious stone of great worth
Greater than the money used to purchase
The life that’s washed away.

I didn’t want to see
I didn’t want to believe
Pluck out my eyes
And bury deep the heart
Already weighed and measured
And traded from the start.

Bury my ashes at Bonaventure
If there’s anyone left
To see it through
For I’ve already made the journey
And long for God’s request.

Sprinkle the dirt over my heart
And feel the moment pass
For I am gathered to my fathers
And in his quiet peace at last.

To lay hold of true glory
And at last wear the crown
You shall be my tower
And you shall be my peace
In you I trust this spirit
To bring me through
This fateful hour.

Can death be such a thing to fear?
And false hope such a sin
For I dreamed we had tomorrows
Before death entered in.

Through a crack in the doorframe
Creeping past the kitchen wall
To steal the pearl of great value
And claim what it could not earn
And steal away the future
Before it’s born at all.

Would I be any less guilty?
If I walked away and died
Would I be any less loathsome?
If I stuck around and tried.

I will never be the same again
Joy has taken wing to the sky
The spark is gone
And I will never be as innocent
Or as pure
Now that the end has fallen.

I will always wonder
And I will always mourn
For what we never tried
Before I knew this love had died.

Goodbye to love
I choke on the sobs
So beautiful and elusive
Both my ruin and my shame
Wounding and distant
And I don’t know who to blame.

I shall love you always
Because I saw your soul
Deeply known and cherished
I am without a choice
But to let you go.

Today I lost my family
And I shall never have it back
All hope bleeds into blackness
And tomorrow brings the change
If only I could make a difference
And close up this gaping crack.

God, bear me up
Help me rest upon your heart
Forgive me the consequence
Of this man I failed to start.

Cruciform 2004

A moment of silence in the middle of the night
A moment of solitude in the middle of life
Notched at the intersection above the midway point
The crossbar outstretched and halfway to home.

Searching through the blackened splinters
Ashes of memory in numberless dreams
All that was hidden takes shape out of view
All that was forgotten breaks forth.

Formless matter of earth and clay
Brought forth in the hand in less than a day
Dreaming of other lives different than the ones we’re in
Dark as the night of these disillusioned dreams
Melting the heart like wax in the flame
Regrets and sorrow with no one to blame.

A single flicker of faith
A shred of sacrifice remains
Holding on when we should let go
Bleaching our memory
And scrubbing the stains

The wind drives by
A steady drumbeat of rain
The coals are sleeping
And man is silent at last.

Thoughts and plans are muted
Designs and schemes still undone
Tomorrow hides unexpected events
Unknown consequences and unexplored chances
Love always behind the time
And words too late we find.

The stars like shards of crystal
High above cold and white
Exploding in all directions
Shooting and colliding in the flaming light.

Ten thousand feet per second
A thousand pieces of crystal glow
Cutting sideways through the darkened night
And splitting the time in the middle of their flight

Seventeen minutes past this hour of time
Always later than we think it seems
Undone duties and unspoken words
Coming back throbbing and unkind
Heavy beams of responsibility and loss
Weighed, measured and hung on a cross.

Sharp pointed questions creeping up our throats
Ever wishing that they would go away
Born with a hole in our hearts
Never full but always draining away.

If a half finished life has no purpose
Then it has no meaning
If there is no one greater to trust
Then all we are is earth and dust.

Looking down inside our hearts
I see the burning desire
Immortal spirit a gift of life
The soul and the minds eye awakened
Undeserved wisdom to understand the choice
Quiet and loving I hear the ancient voice.

A moment passes unlike any other
An hour is marked and recedes in time
Just a random accident some would say
Out of the nothingness we came.

An accidental arrangement of matter
An evolution of uncertain ends
These dreams but self preserving fears
And all beliefs are equally valid and true.

I thought I knew the answers
But instead I found the truth
Something beautiful beyond explanation
Swirling high above my head and heart
An answer comes both certain and true
This crossroad of time above and ahead
Was created before time and planned instead.

Although unopened the book reads the same
Although unlived time plays out as planned
Although unnoticed the secrets are revealed
Although rejected his passion has healed.

I cut my hands in a hurry of movement
I lost my voice in an awkward corner
I could not remember what I though I had
Doors are opened and shut forevermore.

I decided to trust against a crooked world
I invited him in to dwell in my heart
Inside there is a peace beyond description
Despite the doubt, fear and dread
Trading a life enslaved to death
Ransomed and returned by a last labored breath.

Sifting through the debated points
God is laughing in his heavenly throne
We plan and argue and debate
Anything to win we pontificate.

A golden crown is upon is head
Soon his kingdom will come
On this earth truth will reign
And his rule will never end.

Watching the heavens for the signs
Searching the verses for secret meanings
Wondering about the secrets we cannot know
Humbled by a thousand different fates
Dreaming of a perfect world we knew but forgot
Lost like the dreams of castles, crosses and Camelot.

A web of dreams is spun
A tip wire of hidden plans in sprung
This cup of wine we drink
Entitled to the vine by pride we think.

A cruciform house in which I write
A cruciform banner under which I’ve sworn
Blood is poured out and soaked in the wood
Blood consecrated, but the promise misunderstood.

Another year has past
And another year lies ahead
Futile to answer or explain the movement
A change of backgrounds silent and sure
Rapidly spilling over its banks
Irreversible the silver chords pull.

40 days or 40 years it makes no difference
Time will wait no longer
A release of thoughts and love I feel
Tumbling forward to what is real.

If all is true then nothing matters
And none can be true in the end
Nothing but our will to trust
Man’s ambition flowing on tectonic crust.

Beat me a sword of blue black metal
Fashion a shield to protect my wounds
Cover my pale arms with fine white linen
Strengthen me against the darkening sky
Anoint my head with perfumed oil
Emboldened ghosts of the spirits fly.

Stripped clean of pride and reason
Scourged of vanity and greed
Broken down to the essential parts
Purged and purified by the iniquity I bleed.

Pierced through hands and feet
Blood is sprinkled on an undeserved life
By another’s loss I am found
Full blooded by sacrifice the full circle round.

It was written and then it was done
A shape takes wing in my mind
Formless and blurry in the receding mists
Slowly rising on a hill completing the story
Rising up high above me
The sign of the cross defining the glory.

Wild Blood and The Return

Wild Blood from 2005

Wandering spirits through the trees
Shaking the stems and cracking the leaves
Flying in the current of the migrations cry
Skimming their crowns to split the sky.

Long ago and Far from here
Where the headwaters are falling
Much further than I can know
You can feel the wild blood calling.

Black, orange, gray, and brown
Golden flecks fly in the dust
Up and over the bramble and hedge
Shouting and screaming.

Sound, color and movement
Faster and faster pound the feet
A deep dusky smell of plant and earth
Swirling in the drafts behind our backs
Ghostly the howling of the tempest wind
Down the slope and through the glen.

Roots thrusting deep into the ground
Clutching earth beneath hoof beats pound
Gusting forward in the rustling sound
Gathering force as they whirl around.

Unbridled and unbroken
Perfect before stagnation and loss
Pure as words yet unspoken
Beautiful as the memory unfolding
Truly alive once and always.

Charging through the thicket and gloom
Frontier spirits unloosed at last
Unconstrained by reason or fear
Stirring up the blood
And quickening the pulse.

This wild blood from the past
Driving me forward through the russet beds
The fury drives by in a rush without reason
Scattered the moonlit shadows run
Burning brightly in heart and mind
Immortal stir of the life we won.


The return from 2004

Returning forward to the start
Riding the grooves etched in the heart
Passing the time asleep at the wheel
Body and blood
Nothing but bone and meal.

Icy water frozen hard
Sharp and painful the freezing blast
Coming home to face the end
Turning back across the plains
Beaten by the slanting snow and rain.
Deep within both warm and safe
Immortal ghost, spirit, and wraith.

Naked trees shiny and black
Twisted skeletons claw at the sky
Branches broken and shattered
Frozen water in the fields
Long shadows against us form
Icy rubble left by the storm.

Gray and white the landscape looms
Flattened and scarred just like the moons
Passing between the earth and sun
A dark eclipse shields the light
Semicircular the flames
Disappearing from sight.

The dark side of the moon
And the dark side of your mind
Hidden so long we’ve forgotten
Clinging to a world crumbling and rotten.

Walking in the snow
Dark movement blurring white
Silhouetted figure trudging ahead
Familiar ghost come back from the dead

They don’t know
And can’t understand
What it means to be broken
Thrust through and wounded deep
Beaten bloodied and bruised
Sworn to the secrets in trust I keep.

Like a man lost in a cave
Rock above and rock below
Wandered to far to answer or save
And deeply buried
Alone isn a grave.

What should I say
And what should we do
Either way all I can do is lose
One long last look and I’ll be gone.
Into a tunnel of darkness
Forgiven at last.

Adrift in underground streams
Quiet and still to uncover the end
In the darkness of this endless sleeve
Beyond the sun this journey is done
Far from where the living grieve.

Always searching for another way
Anything to break the boredom of life
Ever fumbling and circling around
Still looking
For what can’t be found.

Old pictures in black and white
Scattered in piles across the floor
Some in color faded and old
Sun dappled reminders of how it was
Letters and cards carefully preserved
Baby books and invitations long past
Relatives and friends both dead and alive
Suspended in amber and fading fast.

I wish I could tell
Or that they would know
The truth unseen by deadened eyes
How on the horizon it grows.

Thinking of the damage I’ve done
Watching it all unravel
I didn’t listen or care to know
To the people I hurt along the way
Unseen loss of destiny behind
More than I can know, return, or pay.

Black robed monster walking in the shadows
Enslaved to the ravenous beast within
Wrecking the days
And smashing the glass.

Devouring the moments before it mattered
Ignoring the voice of small sweet love
Learning too late to save
On the ground
Both broken and shattered.

Somewhere in the future past
Among the ancient oaks I’ll stand
Underneath the hanging moss
Behind the headstones
Of the long lost dead
You will see me waiting
Just as I said.

Standing behind the translucent curtain
Silky strands separate the worlds
Returning figure dark and brooding
Coming home to set to rights
One final chance before the coming.

One last chance to understand the truth
Unable to describe the secret I know
Trusted to warn and help a few
Beautiful the secret I know is real

I may look different than I do right now
Will my hair look whiter?
But you will know me just the same
Back to where the secret came.

When I return
We shall embrace
And then you shall know
We will drink of a finer wine
All things transformed
No longer mortal, but divine

A smile is how you’ll know
The kind from the past present
Then the meaning of consequences we’ll see
Like the reasons for interconnected lives
Healing our wounds and setting us free.

No longer in black
But silver mail and white linen
No longer in the shadows
But standing in clear sight
No longer bound by earth or death
Stepping at last into the light.

The Secret

The secret

In the margins and just out of range
Lies the secret wisdom
Always hiding just beyond imagination
The answers to all our wasted frustrations.

Snowy borders blanket the hills
Covering the earth with an icy chill
The trees stand silently covered in ice
Black branches
Clawing at the gray sky.

Dead men’s bones under the ground
In the place of their father's sleep
Without dreams, hope or love
Forgotten as time passes above.

Their friends and loves unremembered
Conversations and moments dismembered
Asleep in the darkness of mystery
Adrift in the sea of history.

The night has fallen like so many times before
Light slipping into sleep behind the shore
Death has come to his appointment
Never late or hurried in his deportment.

No man has power over breath
No man has power over death
We cannot restore what is lost
Even though we try
And try again.

We live, we work, and we buy
We love, we lust, and we lie
We drink yet are thirsty
And we eat
Yet are hungry.

I cannot give back what I have taken
I cannot give back the love I’ve shaken
My heart beats on underneath my bones
Dark as night
And cold as stone.

My bones are tired
They long for water and peaceful rest
Counting headstones and adding up the dates
Drifting in a sea
Of a thousand secret fates.

We think we can control the times
Cheat death and the colder climes
We plan and build
But always die
Never considering
The reasons why.

We shall never know the secret of death
Or how the unborn
Are given life’s breath
We can never know the mystery
Of the oldest secret in history.

In the beginning life is given
In the end the body is taken
Asleep, but not forever we dream
Only for a time in the larger scheme.

Asleep on this earth we walk
We trod the snow in a nightly walk
Bloodless fingers white as chalk
To the bonfire and its flaming stalks.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring
Counting the hours by the church steeple ring
Someone will die and another will live
One tempted to steal and another to give.

Interlaced in this pleasant scheme
Warmed by the alcohol in the mugs steam
Talking with friends and my love
Our words falling silent in the cold above.

Talking and laughing we pass around the jug
Thinking of this moment I fill again my mug
Outside this moment and far from our ears
Is the secret of love, pain and tears.

Some of these people I’ve known for years
They love me anyway in spite of my fears
Others I haven’t known for very long
But friendship thrives where hearts are strong.

Our breath hangs for a moment between the two of us
A friendship and love grown many years in trust
Hanging for a moment the vapor falls away
Like the lives of the dead
In an instant gone away.

I stand there and look
At all my friends around
And silently I pray for the future
Remembering this moment
As I feel time pass by
Hoping God will bring us back
Many times before we die.

I will take nothing when I leave this place
Naked as I was when I was born
We must all go home when the time is right
Called to the secret
That we can’t question or fight.

It is late now
And we must part
But tonight the goodbyes are different
With a knowing look
And a sideways smile.

I pray for them as I trudge across the snow
That I could help them to remember
And perhaps to know
That nothing else is as important
As love and friendship.

That the spirit is with us
No matter the day or year
With us in laughter
And with us in tears
One day all together again
Reunited forever.

Immortal thoughts

Immortal thoughts 2003

A shot in the dark
Out into nothingness
Anything to break the boredom
Any random future will do.

Building the tower
Just to tear it down again
Waiting for tomorrow
To kill today.

I'll take another drink
Just to warm the blood
And take another breath
Just to keep it red.

Another hour
To get through
Staring at the clock
And see it tick away.

Would it be any less wasted?
If I was asleep
Would it be any more profound?
If I pretended.

It is here
And now it’s gone
I was with her
Laughing
But now it’s over.

A strange disconnection
The one-way movement of time
Always forward but never certain
Like sands slipping away
That we can’t catch.

If we could go back
Would we?
And if we know we can’t
Than why do we always try?

Taking our knees out from under us
The unexpected hour
Like ten thousand needles
That pierce the skin
So slow in coming
Yet so sure.

Collected memories
Of dreams and anguish
Getting smaller and smaller
Until there is nothing left.

Running our hands
On the crumbled walls
How much the time has worn away?
But the bones remain.

We wrestle the thought
Turning it over in our heads
But lock it away
In favor of distractions.

But its still there
A specter in the mind
Like a dwindling hope of eternity
That we can’t deny.

Our thoughts race
From numbers to faces
And from joy to regret
Of all the things we’ve done
Or did not do
That we cannot forget.

Shout out the words
Just to hear the echo
Run in the rain
Just to feel the cold.

Imagine the surface above
And what it would feel like
Try not to fear
Or worry.

The secret isn’t hidden
Not anymore
But here for the taking
Fresh and new
All we have to do ask
And accept.

Somebody told me
And I’ll never be the same
Becuase I had been sleep walking
Down the path of death
But now I am awake
And broken inside.

Awakened by a comet
Against the odds of eternity
In the dark night of the soul
A second life
Better than the first.

In ten thousand years
I’ll still have more to write
But not like now
Half in darkness
And half in the light.

No longer alone
But with all of you
Our blood now immortal
And mingled in memory.

Each soul so different
Like love
Beyond our reach
To measure or value.

Unseen spirits
Everlasting joy
forever beyond death
And earth.

The homicide tour

The homicide tour

Not everything needs a reason
And not everything
Has to make sense
Because something’s
Are just more beautiful
Unplanned and unexplained.

Not everything is easy
And fear keeps you from living
Because even the careful must die
And even the reckless need love.

If I had to go backwards
Then I would do it all again
But maybe I relish every second
And stretch out every minute
Just to see the sun
And love a little more.

Everyone I knew moved away
And no one remains
Except an abandoned soul of concrete
And perfect curves.

I went back
But there was no recognition
And I walked into the water
But there was no ocean.

My brother Pushed me
Down the stairs
But I laid on my back
And laughed.

We tried to swing from a chandelier
But pulled it out of the ceiling
And we had to fix it all back
But the moment was worth it
Flying through the air.

There are something
That no one can measure
And there some people
That don’t care what you think
And who don’t need a cure.

And I took a chance
And jumped from a train
But for a second more
Just as dumb as dead.

But I am alive
For a reason I cannot know
Here but for a time
And not just for breathing

Just because we do not know
Is no reason to give up
And just because it cannot be proved
Is no reason to doubt

There is a time
And there is a place
For everyone and everything
Nothing without a purpose
And joy without risk or pain.

Now he is far away
But will never be forgotten
And I cry when I remember
All the days
And all the laughter.

We all have eyes
But some of us never see
How far we can fall
Because there are no guarantees

Life is best when truly lived
And love is best
When cherished every day
Not just once in awhile
But fully experienced
In every way.



Catacombs 2003 or 2004

Deep underneath the ruined divisions
Lost in the recesses of confused decisions
Disjointed thoughts like bits of glass
Jagged as the dreams of unremembered pasts.

Severed is the silver chord of life and death
Collectively these bones surrender up their breath
Hanging above our heads in suspension
The spirits released at life’s exhalation.

Simple stone galleries in the darkness gloom
Last hiding places of the martyred and the doomed
Unending is the darkness inside deadened hearts
Unending as the sleep
In deep dark vaults.

Waiting and waiting the days and the hours
Past the cycles of the seasons and showers
The timeless turning of the earth and the sky
Knowing the answer without asking why

The broken hearted beat a lonely path
Bitter is taste of untested wrath
Persecuted and naked in the night.
Inside a labyrinth of blinded sight.

Walking past those who came before
Their names unrecorded underneath the floor
My questions are no different than the others
Unanswered and unnoticed
By friends or brothers.

Woven into our hearts and minds
A predisposition for murder we find
Rage in our blood
And in our thoughts
For vengeance or for hatred.

Supressing the feeling as long as we can
Because forgiveness is an answer
That only a few can stand
As unsearchable as the thoughts of man
Just like smoke
Escaping from our hands.

I smash at the wall with my fists
Bloodied and bruised are my hands and wrists
Useless are these limbs of flesh and bone
Unmovable as this mystery hewn in stone.

Ancient thoughts of life and reason
Buried beneath the change of the seasons
Silent as the doubts in my mind I fought
Lost in the sea of unspoken thoughts

Nothing left for me to prove
Stuck again in an old stone groove
No use in pretending
That I am not lost
Beating up against myself
The horrible doubts
And inevitable cost.

Like a monster in disguise
In the mirror I find no surprise
Inside all teeth, fangs and rage
Hungry and thirsty.

How many times must I forgive?
How many times must I relive?
Unforgiven I wander through the graves
Chained to myself like a bonded slave.

Deep inside the rocks of fate
Consumed by useless revenge and hate
Silent are the scream of the dead
Forgotten as the Christians
To the lions once fed.

Darkness above and darkness below
Again into the labyrinth I go
No sky or constellations to guide where I roam
Earth as flesh and rocks as bone.

Outside of human recognition
Alien world of degradation
Alone beneath the teeming streets
Underground beneath the threshing feet.

The fire flashes in my brain
Synapses fire off in repeating frame
The answer lies hidden somewhere inside
Never finding where it lives and hides.

Silently I wait for the light of day
Silently I try to remember the way
Passages beneath the skin and bone
As tunnels under the streets in Rome.

Gravestones

From 2006

Gravestones

No escape from death
And no refuge from dying
Silent and heavy
The secret number of days
Worn thin by age and trying
Invisible the signs of death and decay.

I can’t stop the clock
And we can’t turn back the days
Back to the beginning
To change my foolish ways.

I was home and I saw your grave
A precious gift I could never save
I talked for what seemed forever
I made the promise I should have said
How long ago I don’t even remember
These broken pieces of words I read.

I remember riding in your car
Three sisters and you the youngest
Too perfect the look on your face
Frozen in time I can see you now
I still don’t know why you loved me
Misunderstood without knowing how.

I would tell you my mother is dying
How I sat on the side of her bed
That I read to her every night
About a life without pain or fear
And promised I’d see her again with tears.

How I suffered through my divorce
And how I paid the price
The struggle to stay close to my son
The lessons it taught me
And the 1,000 miles of heartache it brought me.

I’d tell you I laid the past to rest
I’d hold you better than before
Not wasting a single moment of day
For a better purpose
And a greater love I pray.

We pretend that nothing matters
We act like we can face the end
Without knowing how it can hurt
And without the excuses we send.

I whispered to my mother that it would be better
I tried to tell her I just knew the truth
I told her I would see her again in a perfect place
Far from this earthly pain we face.

I know I must go
Time won’t wait for me
But it’s hard to go on
When the past walks behind me.

Bury my heart
And blot out the sun
Burning my eyes
Empty and dumb.

A time to love
Leaving behind unimportant things
Rumors of life
Or maybe something like it
Uneven and patched together
It all comes unraveled at the end
Wounded and waiting
This weary soul to spend.

Daphne and Everything After

From 2005 I think

Daphne and Everything After

Everything I ever wanted
Tilted over and spinning out of view
Fuzzy images in flickering frame
Forwards or backwards still look the same

Stirring memory awake from cold
Smiling through a perfect figure eight
Steaming coffee to warm our toes
Seeking truth from secrets in words, and prose.

Black silhouette on grainy film
Sleek and silent glistening grace
On the rooftop with feline feet
Smoky gray across the stacks
Deeper and deeper
Into memory.

Everything after is never the same
I don’t live in sleepy hollow any more
Long after the flicker dies out
I’ll remember and figure it out.

No more lawn parties on Hunting Avenue
Long ago and far away
So far it seems unreal
Not far enough to forget
In my mind
Still awkwardly kept.

I don’t see you anymore
Like life it all came undone
Circumstances changed and everything after
Never the same
But still we live.

In a city
Seems like a million miles
Removed and alien
From who I was
Weaving through a crowd
In the company of many
Yet totally alone.

Parallel lives
Intersecting at points
Don’t know why it happens
Or what I am supposed to do
Waiting till its over
To gain a clearer view.

Fractured time
Measured before and after
A water mark to remember
A black turtleneck in a smoky room
The red lights distort the memory
Under the spell of madness
And magnified by the moon.

No matter the art
Or the gilded lights
Red velvet curtains to hide your grin
Long before the fall
The trouble, or the gin.

Pistachio green the color
I run my hands along the couch
I wonder why it seems so strange
Laughing in the night wild and free
Tomorrow did come and then everything after
Like it always does
Melancholy morning after all the laughter.

I tried to paint it on the wall
The swirling colors of your hair
Eternal spirit untamed
But I could never quite capture
Your heart so shimmering and slick
At least not like you did.

You made me blue with white hair
Like a negative where dark is light
Ghostly eyes inwardly reflected
Backwardly lit they stare
From who knows how or where.

You never see it coming
The change more subtle than sweet
A year or a thousand miles
Only adds more polish
More glow and mystique.

The song drowning down the dock
Better muted
Than closer I feel
Silent the lightning bugs dance
Off and on
And then they’re gone.

When everything has changed
Maybe then you’ll know
When everything is distant
It casts a better hue
And we’re all drawn backwards
Back and over again
Reduced to what matters
After everything else
Is shattered.

You shall shine like the sun
Bursting through retreating clouds
But I didn’t come back to take your hand
But only to taste your glory
And I didn’t come back to tie you down
But to love so right and finish the story.

Quicksand 7/11/11

Quicksand 7/11/11

It doesn’t happen overnight
So we should have seen it coming
The loss of self, so hard to imagine
Until we become someone else.

Not everyone will know
And not everyone will see
What it means to be alone
And how it can help
To find out, who you really are.

We give up too easily
And readily live out
Someone else’s dreams
Abandoning our principals
And relinquishing our soul.

Like an unsuspecting animal
Trapped in quicksand
The more we struggle
The more we sink.

We all want to be free
But only a few ever make it
Because we are afraid to suffer
And reluctant to offend.

We hide inside ourselves
In lives of quiet desperation
Living outwards into escapism
What our reality can never have.

In everything we do
And in everything we have
We become predictable and boring
Shallow, bland, dumb and dead.

We flounder and we run
But always to what is familiar
Hiding in lives with lots of boundaries
That can’t be crossed
Without fear or pain.

We prefer a perfect surface
To what is real or genuine
And we clean away our individuality
For a nameless, faceless peace.

I want something more
Something to complete this beautiful vision
Something greater than self deception
And something authentic.

I want to walk in the fountains
And I want to fly with the seagulls
Crying out your name over the sea
Again and again.

I want to truly live
And I want to truly breathe
To know the joy of deeper feelings
Something truly rich and lasting.

The world is temporary
And the world is selfish
And often we are better to strangers
Than we are to the known
And the good.

We lock ourselves in cages
And stare at the keys
Never questioning the purpose
Or ever living free.

So much for the heart
And so much for man
Forgetting who he is
And never thinking
About where he is going.

I am awake
And hardship has opened my eyes
Never again will I ever be the same
And never again
Asleep in my dreams.

There is nothing unique
And there is nothing special
Nothing that I could not do
And nothing worth the loss.

And there is nothing so safe or easy
That we can forget
What is right
Or kill what is good.

I am so far away
From what I want to be
But it didn’t happen in a day
And getting back will not be easy

There is nothing like today
And this great journey has already begun
With nothing left to lose
And nothing left to prove.

In my loss I am larger
And in my prayers I am stronger
These words beyond the shallow
Already condemned and already dead.

I fly on the wings of the phoenix
And I shall climb high in the air
On wings of burning iron
Unchained and unbroken.

Yesterday and tomorrow

The journeyman 2005

Brokenness and how it heals
Bitter the humble fruit
Desolate the ravaged body leans
Shamed and bloodied
With wounding words
Yet strangely proud
Of these humiliations
Brutal yet welcome
Strange the secret
And brutal the pleasure.

I didn’t tell you
Exactly who I am
Not that I knew it
That part I didn’t understand
Nocturnal and restless
Internally combusting burning red
Running wild while standing still
Wandering spirit in a land of dreams
More than it looks
And more than it seems.

You are perfect
A doe eyed deer
Darting from side to side
Sure footed and trembling
Soft and sweet the delicate grace
I can tell by your heartbeat
And the frightened look in you eyes
That you’ve been broken
And cast away
But still searching
Just like me.

I hitched a ride on a long black car
And rode the back of a brown eyed mare
Down the flint hills ever faster
Leaning forward into the dust
Fixing my eyes on a fading sky
Sinking downward live or die.




I wish I had the answers
Or that I knew what was best
But I am lost myself
And smashing all I built
This indecision
This hesitancy of heart
Doubt and cynicism
Conflicted and wordless
I wander and fall.

A high plains journey
16 year odyssey
Inward across land and mind
To fall in this desert
Bloody at your feet
Exhausted from thinking
And beaten by the sun
Too much life so wasted
Stranded in the middle
Of metaphor verse and riddle.

The wasteland rugged and remote
A long day’s journey into the secret soul
The inner portion of heart unseen
Desolate and empty the passages twist
Like the mystery burned on my wrist

Deep red symbol I can’t decipher
A key hole to what I cannot know
Deeply felt but not understood
A dim blurry picture of who I should be
Flickering images in black and white
Silvered remnants dissolving into night.

I wish I could feel what its like
I wish I could feel anything at all
Indifference and all it costs
Undeserving
And unworthy
This gift I’ve won
Only because I lost.





Red rider on a black horse
Galloping across the flatland fire
Never seeing the end
Disaffected heart
Overused and dying
Calloused and ashen
And no tears left for crying

A handful of glass
Clenched too tightly
And a lung full of ash
Rasping breath in and out
Drowning inside
On a throatfull of doubt.

High plains diary in ink and blood
Flat land brushfire of rye and whiskey
Dusty town of ghostly streets
Hollow houses and broken dreams

Old brick rough and beaten
Caving inward the buildings heave
Staring inward the reflection smears
Circling birds of prey devour
Ready for reaping any day or hour.

Split down the middle the yawning tree leans
Gray as the sky of furrowed lines
Colliding with the gravel pitting
Grinding down color and feeling

Driving past the ruins of culture
Slowly retracing their steps
Boarded up the memories are fading
Pitted and bloody the frosted glass
Murky the shadows block and sway
Dizzily the particles dance in view
Up and over the black spots fly
Dusty horizon of dust and sky.








High plains journeyman
Full blooded ghost
Stripped back to one
Broken in the middle
How the mortal wounds cry
Easily missed
And quickly forgotten
For a reason
I don’t know why.

I am the lowly son
But I shall have my crown
I was judged and found wanting
Standing in a field of gold
By letter and rule they ranked me
And stamped a number for my name
A journeyman with no where to go
An ordinary man
In a ordinary life
Selected and broken inside and out
For a greater reason
Or a purpose found
Of blue sky and cloudless wind
Reverberating in my ears
Tired bones
And worn out blood
Numb to the blowing cold
Rushing and sheering edges and whole.

A moment more and I’ll be upon you
Pleased yet with uncertain heart
The rush of echoes calling us home
Chasing behind but catching up fast
You never knew just what was inside me
And just where you knew I’d be
That welcome frightened look you gave me
Unpredictable your love falls like hail
Beautiful and crystal falling all about
Cold and painful I raise my face and shout.

Unhinge the doors
And let the words tumble
Unlock the heart
And search the rebel soul
Inward and deep
To bring out the light.

What if this is it
What if tomorrow never comes
Would we feel cheated?
With what we never tasted
What would we miss?
Life or love unlived and wasted.

I want to see the edge falling off
And ride the whirlwinds curl
Diving into the beating foams
And drink the wild grapes harvest.

Breaking free of gravity and death
Weightless the spirit can soar
At last to know the answers I craved
Running over more than I gave.

No more time to lose
Fumbling in the darkness
No more endless questions
About where to go
Much less who to ask
Hunched down and turning
Shouldering the wind
Striving for what doesn’t matter
Crushing inward the heart
Wasted pride uselessly falls
Falsely protected
By self assured walls.


This life and all its loss
How great the guilt and burden
I shall take it off
And lay it at your feet
Offered up my will and heart
For was yours I cannot keep
And nothing but my spirit own
For what was ours is only smoke
And for mine I will no more weep.

Use me for what you plan
I trust my soul in your tower
Fill me with your wisdom
And bless me with your peace
To accept this humble heart uplifted
Contented and complete

The best way around is always through
Because we can never grow
Without losing something first
And no one tastes eternity
Without serving something more

No one wins the keep up game
Unreachable the perfection we crave
But instead we offer up these lives as nothing
To seize eternity from an empty grave.

A journey you take
An unsearchable inner frontier
But you don’t make it alone
Nor in the darkness will you wander
Not without giving in
Not without reaching up.

There will be no perfect plan
Not in this world we know
No reversible moments
To remake or live
But sacrifice and trial
Obligated reality of love
Easier worked through
Than avoidance or denial.

Soo much for an escape
None the wiser if we fail
Better to work it out
Than run away

My eyes were opened
And I can see you clearly
It will be alright
Time will pass
And you will know
It may feel like time has stopped
But unseen the forces shift
You will understand once
You’ve offered up your life
Perhaps not now
But you will.

For these years are not ours alone
Not just for what we want
But much larger than what we see
And much fuller than what we know.

400 years of silence
The days and hours melt together
Forever immortal love and purpose
Let us not forget to see

Our course is to serve
Bonded to an ancient promise
I know that you’ll make it
For I’ve heard the whispers
In a sea shell of waters falling
The faithful words I know are true
But only if we heed their calling.


Wanderings 2004

Looking outside a window casement
I consider the cost of wasted years
Black rivulets stream down the pavement
Laughter, friendships and dried up tears

What is it about this flesh and blood
My mind is ready but it’s unwilling
Coursing silver strings crashing in the flood
Curbside gutters rapidly filling

Is it my heart that won’t let me rest
Is it the ashes of my old life still burning?
Looking for an answers in another
Wandering forever, without learning

Hypnotic is the sound of the rain
Your vision distorted in gray and silver
Remembering an old and familiar pain
Silver drops that cause me to shiver

I imagine the waters rising
Over flowing the banks and docks
Creeks and rivers swelling and rushing
People buttoning up their frocks

I remember other storms and rains
Other faces come to my mind
Forgotten laughter and other pains
Wandering again in a sad rewind

Outside it pours and pours
Beating against earth, pavement and man
People run about outside in twos and fours
I wonder if I should stay
Or if I even can

Outside silver, gray and black is the night
I can hear the thunder
And feel its power
But I can’t hear voices
All washed away in the shower

Basements flood and engines stop
My heart beats on inside me
Too much rain can kill the crops
On my heart is falls cold and heavy

Other days and nights
Other faces pink and white
Too many years spent in spite
Love lost in my blinded sight

Wandering from place to place
Looking for somewhere to call my home
Trying to forget remembered faces
Hoping for anything
That I can save.

Are we all the same I wonder
Wandering from one place to another
Our voices blotted out by the deluge’s thunder
Haunted by memories of friends and brothers

The lake back home is probably swelling
Outside the power lines are freezing
The street is empty accept for icy an sheeting
My head is hurting and my heart is bleeding

Why am I afraid to speak
Why do I wait until its too late
The roof above pops and creaks
My silence alone
Has decided my fate

Back in the distance and across the miles
I think of the places I’ve wandered and lived
My mind opened to retrieve the files
Words and love
Unsaid and undone.

The morning will find this world dead and frozen
Trapped and sealed in a crystal cocoon
I will wake to this life I’ve chosen
Alone and restless in this room

Quietly this city is freezing
Silently it hardens around me
My breath is short and squeezing
Sleepless again.

Tomorrow a new day comes
Another city and another room
Things I need to say to some
Another day closer
And another day dead.

I could move
To another city
Or maybe find another job
But in the end
No one escapes.

I wonder why I can’t talk or share
Locked inside this glass tower
Why am I afraid to take the risk
When nothing every changes.

No matter where I go or stay
It is with myself
I must live and die
And no one ever finds their way
Just by dreaming.

It will never be easy
Because I get up every day the same
Somehow sticking it out
With no one but myself to blame

I shall try to sleep once more
I will start tomorrow a new
Because love has to start somewhere
If not then its all my fault
And the water and ice can take me.