D.O.A

D.O.A. 8/22/2011

There are something’s
That I need to thank you for
Because it isn’t all that bad
And now I understand.

You are not the kind
To text at funerals
And you were there for me
Like so many other times.

And I know
You didn’t find it easy
To leave me hanging
And I know more than you think.

But there are some other things
That you should know
And I have some other questions
That I want to ask.

Where were you
When I had nothing left?
And where were you
When I needed you the most?

If I ran out of options
Then I’ll take the blame
But not for everything
Because I didn’t lie
And I’ll never love another
Like I loved you.

I was at home
And I wanted to die
Because there is nothing worse
Than withdrawal
And shivering on the couch.

I couldn’t sleep on the bed
But I couldn’t sleep anywhere else
Because every room had your memory
And every mirror held your reflection.

I couldn’t eat
And I couldn’t sleep
Too hot for the blanket
But too cold without it.

They cut off my heat
Because I hadn’t paid the bill
So I just laid there beyond words
Just waiting for the telephone
Or God to take me home.

The longer you wait the more it hurts
And I suffered more than you know
And I just kept on trying to numb the pain
Because everything fell apart.

I know I wasn’t perfect
But I never thought
That this could happen
And my whole life was built on you
And then all of it came down.

Survivors sift through ashes
And try to salvage old photographs
But for me I couldn’t bear to look
Because it felt like I would die.

There was nothing left
Except haunting memories
As everyone I loved was dead
Or gone away.

There is a strange distance
And a strange numbness I felt
Before it all sunk in
And I realized it was forever
And I would never hold you again.

You can put off the pain
And you can mask it for awhile
But even whiskey and pills
Can’t make it go away forever.

What was once for fun
Became an obsession
And I knew the end was coming
And there was nowhere to go.

I have seen an overdose
And it should have scared me more
But nothing ever seems real
Until it happens to you.

Life happens
And leaves you in shock
When you realize
That there is no separation
Between them or you.

That the glass
You have been looking through
Is not bullet proof
And you stand looking backwards
And bleeding to death.

There is a future
But I can’t see it very much
Because it is a mystery
And a shadow
Impenetrable and vague.

Don’t ask me if I am happy
Because I have moved beyond those words
Its better to just enjoy the moment
And not think about what it means.

I have made it through another night
And I have survived to face the morning
A good night’s sleep
Is something to treasure
Without the fog of yesterday.

I’ll see you again
And maybe we will talk
Because words are better than nothing
And I am not alone.

The wounds have healed
And only a few scars remain
But I will always keep you near
And I will never forget.