The Aftermath

The Aftermath 8/4/2011

Don’t ask the lonely
If they believe in happy endings
And don’t ask for any favors
From a bleeding man.

There is no perspective
That will open your eyes
Like staggering loss
The kind that leaves you bleeding
And gasping for breath.

And there is nothing clearer
Than regret
When there is nothing you can do
And nothing will ever be the same.

To awake to a nightmare
That has no end
And a future
That has no escape.

Sometimes I dream
But inside I always know
That it is but a glimpse
Of the backwards past.

That no matter what I say or do
That I will be cut off anyway
Without ever finding resolution
Or ever coming home.

I wake up
Just like a fell asleep
Nameless and forgotten
Alone and sad.

I wonder how many ways
I can say the same thing
And how many dreams
Must I still suffer.

Time goes on
And there is little choice
For those that are good
And those that remember.

If I could travel through time
How precious would the moments be
Bathed in a golden light
And perfect.

I would be a different person
The kind I was meant to be
But without the pain and the wreckage
That learning requires.

I would be so kind and loving
And I would listen to every word
Not just for what I wanted
But for what I needed to hear.

I would notice every single nuance
And relish every single silence
Instead of rushing through
And ignoring everything.

I would spare others their worries
The ones that I gave them
The ones I tried to numb
And the ones I tried to avoid.

I could have done so much more
Than the things I did
Wasting not a single day
Half asleep and half aware.

I would have loved
So much better
Stroking her hair
And listening to her dreams.

But we don’t have the luxury
Of more than a single chance
And no mere mortal
Can ever truly know
What hell can come
In the blink of an eye.

There was no second chance
Even though I nearly lived it
And there was no happy ending
Or I would never have this feeling.

Inside myself
There is a frozen lake
Deep, dead and cold
With all the secrets
Hidden at the bottom.

I am different
And I am remote
Like an empty fortress
Inside of a mountain
Undetected and menacing.

Trapped in a future
I myself have created
But only by accident
And only by ignorance.

We think we know
But really we do not
Unaware of the subtleties
And the beauty all around us.

Walking by the graveyards
But never learning
About grace and forgiveness
Not until it’s too late
And it’s all over.

For some it’s sudden horror
And for others it’s a staggering loss
But something has to happen
Before we awaken
And ever truly know.

Some remain asleep forever
Never knowing and never loving
Unaware of the mysteries
And unafraid of the deep.

I had to murder that self
In order to ever know
And it didn’t die easy
Following me every day
And haunting me every night.

I too look backwards
And stare into awkward memory
Remembering every misstep
And swallowing all my words.

I took
When I should have given
And I was stubborn
And judgmental
So convinced of my truth
That I never heard a word.

Now I am silent
And now I am worn
Substandard and alone
Wounded and scarred.

Marked on the inside
And pinched with pain
Straightened by want
And broken to pieces.

As for me
I’ll just keep on going
Haunting all the ruins
And waiting.