The Black Sum

The Black Sun

A black sun

Burns with implosion

Circling inwards

Invisible and deadly.

A power we do not know

A cold reaction

Collapsing through a hole

Exploding outwards

Into another place.

We live in four dimensions

But can control only three

Time and everything after

On the other side of dreams.

There are things we have done

And things we have dreamed

But there are is more than what we see

And much more than what we believe.

There is a doorway

Inside our minds

But only for those who know

And truly believe

Will ever enter and know.

If we could live life over

In a perfect world

How different would it be

Maybe a little less painful

And a lot less selfish.

How many have lived?

And never known themselves

Shaping their lives to fit

And disappearing into another.

Parrotting what others prefer

And learning all their games

Never knowing or questioning

Or searching for the truth.

Giving up and giving in

Just to have a wasted peace

Saving others from themselves

And surrendering their souls.

Inch by inch

We have become someone else

Until we become like a frog in hot water

Cooked, dumb and dead.

A strange and sad example

For the Petri dish of tomorrow

Examined, tested and labeled

Obsolete and forgotten.

A circumstance of personality

Is what follows us around
And never for a moment are we free

Chasing after someone else’s dreams

Like a rat in a maze.

My dreams are imperfect

And my mind has seen too much

But I did not learn it all through thinking

But through the test

Like acid in my eye.

Pain and pleasure have guided my movements

But I do not live by food alone

Straightening myself to find the truth

No matter how many leads run dry.

They can have my blood

And they can test my senses

But I have a life

That they don’t know.

A soul lives both inside and out

And the spirit flies independent

Falling like fire from heaven

And surging through my veins.

In a different time and place

I will be both real and genuine

The first and most authentic

The man I was meant to be.

American Punk 11/16/2009

A place far away from here

So far away

That It’s something you write down

Before it slips away

Like so many days before.

You wouldn’t think of it now

That I had green hair and torn up jeans

And that nothing ever hurt

If you stayed wasted all the time.

It was before I built the walls

And it was before they all fell down

Back when I could be cool and perfect

Double fisted drinks

And a cigarette on my lips.

A sneer on my face

That was how you should look

Destroying everything

Myself, property, and others.

A danger to the world

And a danger to myself

Such was the weeks and months

Of several missing years.

I didn’t go to class

Because I didn’t see the point

And I didn’t scare

Because I never cared.

It was then that it started

And I never stopped to wonder

Moving forward fast as I could

Without ever bothering to steer.

If I could take out a memory

And hold it in my hand

Would it be from then

Before everything fell apart

And washed all the blood away.

It did hurt

But that was how I liked it

Betting all my tomorrows

For a drink and a ride.

One dropped here and another there

Lives cut short still green and fresh

While others lived on lucky

Or was it the dead that were lucky.

Only one minute to late or one minute too early

Their lives seem frozen in time

Missing the changes, dates, times, and people

For some kind of reason I live while they are dead

By chance or a drug

The hungry demons are fed.

We smashed the bottles

And all the rooms were trashed

Tearing through life looking for something

The something that we already had.

I look back in some kind of wonder

And I remember through a thick gray fog

That I could ever be so young

And stupid while living.

For me life kept going

But the names and faces changed

Changing to many times

As I try and remember

Each and everyone.

How many are alive

And how many are dead

Running backwards in my mind

The colors seem muted

And the voices seem far away.

So much has passed

But do they dead even miss it

Do they laugh at the waste

Or is it eternal regret.

Time goes on

Yes for you and for me

Tumbling forward like it or not

To uncertain ends

I used to think I had forever

And I used to have an answer

To every kind of question

But now I just ask them

And learn how to listen.

The world is full

Of very clever people

Clamoring for this and climbing for that

Now I just look at them

And remember how to sneer.

Dead to rights 8/26/2011

You can make money

And you can spend it away

And you can get up early

Just to take what you want.

You can lie

And you can steal

Drawing out the blood of others

Just for amusement

Or just for gain.

Swindle your way in

And swindle your way out

Gain their confidence

Anyway you can

Just to learn

And just to steal.

But there are some things

That no man should do

But it’s not that you can’t

It’s just that if you do

Something awful will happen

And you will surely die.

For what is treasure

Without honor

And what is love

Without truth.

There are other ways to live

And I have made my choice

To remain standing

No matter what

And no matter where.

If you open the door

Someone may come through

And if you get it right

The whole world will know.

There are secrets

Hidden in plain sight

Bigger than anything we can guess

And darker than we can imagine.

There are places

That we cannot go

And there are rules

No one can break.

Some men have dreams

And some men see tomorrow

But I live through them all

In a deep black collider.

Deep under our feet

There are fires burning

And no one can put them out

Forever smoldering

And burning black dust.

There is fear in the earth

And there is death under the rocks

A sure and sudden terror

Meeting us half way home.

But there is nothing to fear

Even if we die

Because for those who know the truth

The end is just the beginning

The way it should have been.

I have read the words

And I have seen the messages

But I held back my hands

Because I was waiting.

But something has changed

And nothing can change it around

Flesh has become iron

And my heart filled with light.

I am here

But I do not come

In my own name

But in the name of the one

That you have mocked.

I asked him to come

And dwell in my heart

To give me life

And give me hope.

But you have come

In your own pride

And in your own name

A shallow

And self confident fool.

You have accused me

And you have lied

Mocking my faith

With the number of hell.

But you have done more

Than wound a man

And steal his life

For you have provoked

The spirit in my heart.

I face you now

In the name of the Lord

And I will not be turned

And I will not be defeated.

You can’t kill a ghost

And you can’t stop a spirit

Because they are not of your world

Ten times better

And ten times stronger.

I laugh at the liar

Because he doesn’t have a chance

A small ugly man

So full of himself

And without a conscience.

I have faced bigger giants

And killed them where they stood

And I am not afraid of lies

Because your murder cannot hurt me

And your hatred cannot kill.

I have seen greater horrors

And I have faced heavy loss

Crushed down into the ground

And yet I am still standing.

You can run

Because that is what you do

But it won’t matter how fast

And it won’t matter where.

I am closer than I was

And it won’t be long now

Because I can taste the blood

And I can hear your steps.

I am coming for you

And let there be no doubt

That I know where to go

And I know how it ends.

God did not leave any doubt

And he knows what you have done

As I rise there will be justice

The kind that no man has seen.

In a single fluid movement

I rise with the dead

And we ride on the wind

Beating our wings

And digging deep.

The heat of the midnight sun

I can feel on my neck

And I can feel the rush of air

Against my face.

I am iron

But I fly fast and hard

Climbing higher and higher

Just to crash through the house.

I shall rip, tear, smash and crush

Everything that is you

But leaving the rest untouched

Just to let them know

Who and why.

There is no escape from the hurt

And there is no mercy for the damned

Nothing but eternal terror

Day after day

And night after night.

He who is in me

Is stronger than the world

And he can never die

Because he is life

And he is just.

He will crush the mighty

And he will destroy the liars

Washing them away forever

Until there is nothing left

Nameless and forgotten.

Good friends will be together

And they will smile in the glory

Reunited at last

And happy.

But you will be gone

And no memory shall remain

Just the same as I said

And just the same as I knew.

Your day is coming

And nothing shall save you

Not a shameless lie

Or any excuse.

I rise as I write

And I have seen the enemies fear

Because he knows the time is coming

And his end is near.

Fast Music

Fast Music 8/26/2011

Contemplate the end
It’s not that hard
If you just try
Because there is not much
Here worth saving
But a new beginning
Is priceless.

I have felt the pain
And I have felt the glory
Feeling as though I could do anything
And love everyone.

But I also know what feels like
To lose and to suffer
To cry out and hear silence
And to bury my head
In my own bloody hands.

I was there and I heard the words
I will never forget
All the feelings
And the euphoric dreams.

I heard the Dead Boys
And I listened to the Germs
Back in the day
Before the fall
And all the blood.

I had to lift the car
In order to find them
And I’ll never forget the sight
Barely able to hold them together
And running between my hands.

But I am like a white worm
Squirming around on a bed of glass
Full of cuts
But never dying.

There are different ways to live
And I have tried most of them
But either way
Time always wins
And we always lose.

I had some friends
But I always lose track
Spreading out across the states
Into separate lives
Each one different
But probably the same.

I am stuck in the middle now
And I am just waiting for a change
For something to give
Or just something to happen.

I too want something
But it is usually something
I cannot have
Something elusive and beautiful
And something better off
Without me.

But what is there
That we should fear
The worst is nothingness
And eternal sleep
But the best is glory
And that is worth it all.

There is nothing to hold us back
Nothing but our own strange feelings
But what are conflicting emotions
But just thoughts and diversions.

I can have a purpose
And I can change the world
Maybe not like others
But by one small decision
That changes so many more.

My life spreads out in all directions
And becomes everything
And everyone
Everything I ever wanted
And everyone I ever loved.

There is not a second left to waste
Because each moment
Is a new beginning
A new world
Transmutated from the last.

Project Looking Glass

For My three year old daughter written in 2004. She is eleven now.


This is for you
My wonderful daughter
My little girl so beautiful
And so happy
I consider as your cheek I kiss
How your spirit overwhelms me with joyful bliss

My little daughter I can still hold you in my arms
Three years old and a master of sly charms
Sole owner of my heart
My love for you forever
Never to depart

My greatest pleasure and my richest treasure
Is your smile and beauty beyond measure
More precious than gold is your joyful laughter
Your singing as Angels in the hereafter

Vivacious and a sparkplug from the start
Dazzling eyes that pierce my heart
Your sense of humor and mischievous grin
A part of my distant self
Too often reigned in

I could not dream of a better blessing
Your spirit a legacy to keep them guessing
To give you to this world
You heart a gift unfurled

Sometimes I worry that I don't deserve you
I wonder what did I say or do
Watching parents for their children grieving
Gods grace a gift to the undeserving

I watch as you play with your books
Always finding a secret nook
Sweetly pretending to read the stories
Self evident of God’s creative glories

Pure is the love you share
With the baby dolls in your care
Tender, sweet and beguiling
Proof of love in you abiding

My love for you is deep and full
My heartstrings yours alone to pull
Dedicated in Gods holy fire
A blessing of my fondest desires

I pray you are protected each and every day
A legion of Angels leading the way
Feeling very blessed and thankful
For you I am eternally grateful

God keep your heart free and full of light
Your spirit a spark this world to ignite
Your life as beautiful as your face is fine
Your gift to me and many divine

Project Looking Glass 8/25/2011

You can’t see much
If you are running in circles
And you can’t find the truth
Falling down a rabbit hole.

Outside the circle
Is the world
Grinding on and on
Without conscience or dreams.

We find comfort where we can
And distract our minds with pleasure
Until we run out of feeling
And the damage is done.

As my eye in the looking glass
It shouldn’t be a surprise
That things come undone
And plans fall apart
Unraveling into a shapeless mess
Oozing between our fingers.

The ancients built chambers
And filled them with secrets
That we do not understand
Spanning the centuries
The same old longings
And conflicts.

There are some things
That are true
And there are other things
That are false.

But it’s hard to tell the difference
Unless you believe
And it’s hard to believe
If you haven’t seen.

In the crypts
Are the sleeping crusaders
And in the tombs
Are the murdered saints
Waiting for transmutation
And waiting for their souls.

Behold the future is unfolding
And doubling over the past
Unexpectedly confirming
What we already knew.

We can connect the dots
But only after the fact
And then we turn around
Open mouthed with shock.

A lie told often enough becomes truth
And the avoidance of pain
Becomes the addiction of our times
As we slowly fade away.

Contemplating the end
Should never break our hearts
Because the end of one thing
Is always the beginning of another.

If there is a time for everything
Then this is a time for loss
As I remember those I knew
And grieve that they are gone.

For some it is time and distance
And for others reasons unknown
But death has claimed a few
With addiction close behind.

They drop off
And out of my life
And I am left alone
Weeping for their memory.

Something’s defy explanation
And it’s best to forget
But something’s and some people
Can never be forgotten
Only muted by time.

I took a long time to know
What could not be taught
Teaching myself over the years
Through hardship, loss and tears.

The staggering weight
Almost crushed me
But I have emerged
Wiser if not stronger
And acutely more aware.

You can’t undo the past
Not through any familiar means
But you must instead live forward
Until you meet again.

Everything is connected
And all the past is present
Looping forward into a collective tomorrow
In between the spaces
That no one can see.

We can let out our breath
And forgive the past
Letting it fall away
Perculating downwards like water
Until it is gone.

At last escaping
From the grip of doubt
And guided by belief
Ascending into heaven.

Rosewood

Rosewood and Anagrams 8/24/2011

Rosewood 8/24/2011

There are secrets in symbols
And words with double meanings
Full of ancient wisdom
And original truth.

A man can see
With his eyes closed
And almost everything
Cannot be seen with eyes.

We are immortal
And in our hearts
There is a spirit
And in our minds
There is an eye.

Nothing is impossible
For a man who believes
And we knew far more
Than we think
When first we were born.

I have been wounded
But also blessed
And I have been quickened
For a reason I do not understand.

Something long dormant
Has been awakened
And nothing can ever be the same
An inner darkness has been illuminated
And opened my eyes.

There are secrets
Both large and small
And a hidden universe
Just beyond perception
Inside and in-between.

I had the whole world
But I was just walking in my sleep
And now I that I have nothing
I know where to go.

Even the most humble
Can be great
But only the truly great
Embrace humility.

I have dreamed while asleep
And lived through nightmares
And somehow survived
Like a snail crawling on a razor
Saved by the thinnest of film.

I am in the middle
Of a great frozen lake
Isolated in silence
And hidden from view.

Those I knew are gone
And all the world I trusted
Destroyed in an instant
Removed and forgotten
Like it never existed at all.

In the blink of an eye
All has disappeared
Through a false confidence
And cheap malice.

But every particle is alive
And my heart is filled with light
Lifting me up
On a white winged bird.

Now I know
And now I love
Much more than then
Because now I understand.

What can be forgiven
Is forgiven
And what cannot
Is given to God.

The world shall do
What it must
And although all we love
May die
We shall all live.

The earth beneath my feet
Make shake with uncertainty
Because it is only made of clay
But deep within my heart
The fire will remain.

We will rise up
And so will the departed
At long last
What we always were.

Time and distance
Will shrink down to nothing
As a new world
Expands into eternity
Everything
And everywhere.

D.O.A

D.O.A. 8/22/2011

There are something’s
That I need to thank you for
Because it isn’t all that bad
And now I understand.

You are not the kind
To text at funerals
And you were there for me
Like so many other times.

And I know
You didn’t find it easy
To leave me hanging
And I know more than you think.

But there are some other things
That you should know
And I have some other questions
That I want to ask.

Where were you
When I had nothing left?
And where were you
When I needed you the most?

If I ran out of options
Then I’ll take the blame
But not for everything
Because I didn’t lie
And I’ll never love another
Like I loved you.

I was at home
And I wanted to die
Because there is nothing worse
Than withdrawal
And shivering on the couch.

I couldn’t sleep on the bed
But I couldn’t sleep anywhere else
Because every room had your memory
And every mirror held your reflection.

I couldn’t eat
And I couldn’t sleep
Too hot for the blanket
But too cold without it.

They cut off my heat
Because I hadn’t paid the bill
So I just laid there beyond words
Just waiting for the telephone
Or God to take me home.

The longer you wait the more it hurts
And I suffered more than you know
And I just kept on trying to numb the pain
Because everything fell apart.

I know I wasn’t perfect
But I never thought
That this could happen
And my whole life was built on you
And then all of it came down.

Survivors sift through ashes
And try to salvage old photographs
But for me I couldn’t bear to look
Because it felt like I would die.

There was nothing left
Except haunting memories
As everyone I loved was dead
Or gone away.

There is a strange distance
And a strange numbness I felt
Before it all sunk in
And I realized it was forever
And I would never hold you again.

You can put off the pain
And you can mask it for awhile
But even whiskey and pills
Can’t make it go away forever.

What was once for fun
Became an obsession
And I knew the end was coming
And there was nowhere to go.

I have seen an overdose
And it should have scared me more
But nothing ever seems real
Until it happens to you.

Life happens
And leaves you in shock
When you realize
That there is no separation
Between them or you.

That the glass
You have been looking through
Is not bullet proof
And you stand looking backwards
And bleeding to death.

There is a future
But I can’t see it very much
Because it is a mystery
And a shadow
Impenetrable and vague.

Don’t ask me if I am happy
Because I have moved beyond those words
Its better to just enjoy the moment
And not think about what it means.

I have made it through another night
And I have survived to face the morning
A good night’s sleep
Is something to treasure
Without the fog of yesterday.

I’ll see you again
And maybe we will talk
Because words are better than nothing
And I am not alone.

The wounds have healed
And only a few scars remain
But I will always keep you near
And I will never forget.

Generation Zero

Generation Zero 8/19/2011

We are the ones
Who suffer
And we are the ones who know
Cut off and cut out
Without any way home.

The beginning takes forever
But the end is like a brick wall
Stopping us suddenly
Half way home
Crushing our plans
And cracking our skulls.

I was always angry about something
And I thought I had to fix it
As if it made any difference
And as if I had a choice.

I ruined a lot of small moments
And now they are a mountain of lead
Weighing me down with regret
And filling my days with dread.

I walked down the street
And I felt like I was nothing
And I wondered
Just like I always have
And it hurt.

It hurt to breathe
And it hurt to exist
Destroying every bit of my life
And every dream I never lived.

No one truly knows
What it is that others feel
And no one can ever understand
Just how cruel
Man can be.

Let me ask you a question
And really think it through
Because there is more at stake
Than anything we can guess.

That what are the chances
That I could ever write these words
And that two souls could ever connect
And be more than one.

Imagine larger things
And more important dreams
Than our selfish desires
Something bigger
And something lasting.

I had to lose everything
Before I knew the truth
But it shouldn’t have to happen
To everyone
If you think and believe.

We can imagine things
That we have never lived
And we can see
What our eyes never knew.

We don’t need to suffer
Anymore than we will
Because pain is inevitable
No matter what we do.

I have known many people
Some are dead and some are alive
Some are lost
And some I see

They are with me
And I belong to their past
Another ghost unreconciled
And another memory
Full of dust.

I tried but it wasn’t enough
Because it’s hard to stop the bleeding
Of a deep
And deadly wound.

The kind you don’t see coming
The kind that comes from behind
From the last place suspected
Just as shocking
As it is horrific.

If everything has a reason
Then this must be told
But for who
Or what reason
I may never know.

There are words and thoughts
That are just for me
But there are also other things
For those I’ll never see.

My words stand
As I remain
Nameless and remote
Like a voice in the wilderness
Echoing through time.

I pray you will listen
And I pray you will remember
That life is for living
And love is a choice.

Love every single moment
And take nothing for granted
Deliberately charting a life
Instead of being tossed
By emotions.

Let not a chance escape
To be truly alive
Holding onto to each other
And giving without restraint.

There is nothing in this world
That will ever last
Except for our thoughts, dreams and actions
That make up our soul.

Our smallest actions
Can make a world of difference
As they ripple across people
And spread out in all directions.

Our good or evil
Amplified by time
Steadily growing
Into eternity.

As for me
There is much left to do
And as for you dear reader
Only you can know.

High Noon at the Hurt Building

High Noon at the Hurt Building 8/19/2011

The sun is high and angry
As I walk alone in the street
But nothing is as it seems
And nothing lasts forever.

I close my eyes
And I can feel the rush of air
As if I am running or flying
With the wind in my hair.

Faster and faster at eye level
Just trying to see and understand
Even though it isn’t worth it
And even though I don’t care.

Waiting is the hardest part
But the time for waiting has ended
Because although I suffer
I also act.

Seldom do we put our thoughts into action
Because more often we dream and wonder
But now I can use my spirit
To do what I never dreamed.

Downtown there are big buildings
And one of them is haunting
A huge block of marble
Monumental and gray.

It is called the Hurt Building
And beside it
There is a park
Full of trees and beggars.

It has lots of marble
And gilded chandeliers
But inside there are spirits
Just like the one
Inside of my skull.

I am here
But also somewhere else
And I walk alone
Because that is how
I had to
And that is how
I survive.

Close your eyes
And think of the end
It doesn’t have to be that bad
And then think of the beginning
And who you really are.

If the end comes
Then there is nothing to dread
And nothing to fear
Nothing but a transition
And a passage.

We are just vessels
And I am but a man
Training ourselves for something better
And something real.

There is more than blackness
And more than sleep
The opposite of silence.
And the absence of pain.

Our flesh may age and wither
But the spirit only gets stronger
Full of power
And limitless promise.

I am learning
And I don’t need any proof
Because I have already seen
And because I already know.

We are more than what we seem
And many are those
Whose vanity is all they have
Empty on the inside
And weak in the heart.

I am a spirit
And I am a ghost
More than just a man
And more than just a name.

Imagine and dream
Create and recreate
Finding ways and finding answers
Miraculous and unexpected.

There is always more
Yet undiscovered
And there are always hidden potentials
Just waiting to be used.

I never knew what I could do
And I never guessed
What I could build
Something stronger than flesh
And more valuable than treasure.

All these hurts
Will all pass away in time
Either by healing
Or by transition.

It is high noon in the south
And it is a time of troubled souls
But not forever if you close your eyes
And believe.

Search and Destroy

Search and Destroy 8/18/2011

Far across the landscape
Of burned out shells
There is a drum beat
Deep and reverberating.

There isn’t far to search
Because there’s no time for distinction
Nothing left
But them or us
And nothing left to talk about.

A post apocalyptical wasteland
That been a long time coming
Both dangerous and lawless
With no rhyme
Or reason.

Destruction has come
And man takes what he needs
Without restraint or rules
But with blood and cunning.

There is nothing left to prove
And no one can stack the odds
Nothing but marked men
Wanted dead or alive.

But there is nothing
That can make you more alive
Than cradling
Death in your hands.

Some have hollow eyes
And vacant stares
Just looking for an ambush
And raw flesh to eat.

Free to live
And free to die
A democracy of iron
And natural selection.

All circumstances
Have evened out
And justice will side
With the intelligent,
The resourceful,
And the ruthless.

A fat meanness
Has been stripped down
To a skeletal rage
Grasping with bony fingers
At little scraps of life.

Life in the new dark ages
Will be a little like the last
Using stone for shelter
And hiding in towers.

Looking through the murder hole
We will know what to think
And we will know what to do
Just like we should have done
A long time ago.

Loveless

Loveless 8/15/2011

I am sorry for bringing you down
Because that is not what I wanted
But some ships were built to sink
And some dreams doomed to die.

I loved you
More than I thought possible
And I was the luckiest man in the world
Because I had more than I deserved
A beautiful and loving family.

I met the right person
But at the wrong time
Always pushing myself ahead of reason
And always in a hurry.

God had a plan
But I would never listen
And instead of patience
I took what could be had.

Like a dog at his bowl
I didn’t think of tomorrow
But instead I tried to build a life
That was impossible to keep.

By the time I knew
The damage was done
And happiness couldn’t come
Without pain and loss.

But anything that is built on sand
Will eventually sink
And rot
Reclaimed by the earth and the sea.

Every action and reaction
Leads to a thousand more
Each and every thought
Escalating our emotions
Either for better or for worse.

A ripple spread outwards
And poisoned all I had
With children treated as hostages
For a ransom of blood and money.

I wanted something greater
Something unadulterated by man
Something for the soul
And mutual inspiration.

Those are hard to find
But I had them anyway
Inconvenient and imperfect
But still just as wonderful
And full of promise.

She was the one
The one who let me know
Who prayed with me in the night
And brought me closer than ever
To God and to man.

It wasn’t easy for me
Trusting a God
That I had never seen
But it was with her that I dreamed
And it was with her that I knew.

I made a decision
And I opened up my heart
Leaving the past behind
To be used for a purpose
Greater than myself.

But God is a mystery
And his plans are beyond
Our understanding
Because we must be proved in the fire
Before the real test can begin.

I was cut off
Just before the harvest
And cut down
Just before the reward.

All for a reason
Just as predictable
As it was awful
And just as mysterious
As it was evil.

But God knows
And God also watches
Knowing my every move
And knowing my every sin.

What was it?
That I was supposed to learn
And for what great purpose?
Someday I hope to know.

My life was an average life
And my mistakes just as common
But there is no forgiveness
Without sacrifice
And no glory
Without heartbreak.

The years stretch out
But there must be something
That I have left to learn
Patience one of the hardest
And humility the most bitter.

Asking isn’t easy
When there is no one to help
And loneliness hurts
More than you can imagine
Day after day
And night after night.

We all have gifts
But some never know
But God gave me words
On the wings
Of a giant white bird.

It wasn’t earned
And it wasn’t deserved
But still I am thankful
And still I write.

The spirit brought me something
To see what cannot be seen
And to know what cannot be known
Impossible to define
And impossible to understand.

A strong spirit
Is greater than its body
Stronger than temporal limitations
And greater than any lie.

Inside the eyes of the spirit
I shall fly with wings of iron
And they shall know it is me
And there is nothing
That they can do.

I will never stop
Until it is finished
And I shall have everything
I ever lost
Plus ten times more.

Piece by piece
And blood for blood
All the money and all the treasure
The kind that never fades.

I shall have my treasure
And I shall have the glory
The kind only God can give
And only a servant can deserve.

Risk Factor Post 77

Risk Factor 8/12/2011

My steel wheels
All left the surface
As we hit
The bump in the road
Hurtling through space
And into oblivion.

Suspended in the air
Just for a fraction of time
Captured in a crystal
Inside of my skull.

One moment
Among many
Remnants of a past
And a world
Both shaken and lost.

Through the shattered glass
I see what is left
The remains of my youth
And the names of the past.

I have not forgotten
What it felt like
When I had green hair
And ripped up all my clothes.

I felt so alive
That I thought I knew
And that nothing could ever hurt me
Just as immortal
As any ever were.

But I also remember
The blood pouring out of their mouth
And the sound of breathing
Of the loved
And the dying.

But for the smallest of chances
I could be there instead of here
Just another memory
And just another dream.

Now it is over
And a great gulf
Separates me from them
Both the living and the dead.

But I am here
And I write down their dreams
Those that cannot speak
And those left behind.

On the other side
Life will be perfect
We will be together
All wounds healed
And laughing.

We will break bread
And we will break bottles
Throwing our heads back
Full of life
And full of fire.



Just like November 812/2011

Each word
Diminishes the last
And each breath
Oxygenates the blood
A future vision of things to come
A first a trickle
And then a flood.

A cold normalcy
And an indifferent politeness
Greets another day
Totally devoid of real compassion
For the good or the strong.

The buildings rise up
Like sterile symbols
Of corporate blandness
Passionless and remote.

I sat down at my desk
And never have I felt
As alone
Or as forgotten.

I put our picture away
In the bottom of the drawer
But the feeling remains
The ghost of my family
Haunting every silence.

I have disappeared
Like I never lived
And like I never mattered at all
Fading fast into nothing
An invisible man
Unheard and forgotten.

I see and I hear
And I know
Nothing more absurd and cruel
Than man’s indifference.

I work but have nothing
Not a thing left
That I can say is mine
And not a thing left for dreams
Or for love.

Others have lived
And others have suffered
But I never knew
And I never understood
Not until I had felt
The piercing pain
Straight through me.

My love is incomplete
And I am nothing but a footnote
Intentionally omitted
And cruelly reminded.

They have given up a treasure
And traded it for nothing
A pearl of wisdom
For a fake and a fraud.

And there is no trace left of them
For they have become
What others want
Once again without ever expressing
Who they really are
Or ever wanted to be.

I could write about happy times
But now they are
Long forgotten
And I wonder about how they live
And how they can smile.

We wait and we wait
But nothing ever truly changes
Except for rearranging the words
Or the labels
Just to prove we are here
And that we ever lived.

No one wants to rock the boat
And the wrath of stupid men
Matters more than fairness
And more than honor.

I left my work
And I drove up to the house
But it was just the same
Nothing left to chance
And always on purpose.

But they will not escape
The black wing of death
Passing silently over my head
On the way.

If not now
Then later
But not too much
And not too far.

Both night and day
The iron angel comes
And he will destroy
And it will be good.

He can run
Because that is what he does
But he will not escape
And he will not survive.

Nothing can stop him
And nothing can control him
Uncontainable
And unthinkable.

No amount of deception
Shall buy a minute more
And no amount of lies
Shall slow or distract him.

The iron angel is full of passion
And the iron angel is hot with rage
Coming home to claim his own
And coming back to destroy.

I am not afraid
And I have not run
But I know who has
And I know why.

I can taste the blood
And I can feel the iron
Surging in the veins
And heightening my senses.

No amount of screaming
And no amount of lies
Can change the inevitable end
Nothing half as certain
As the crush and the hand.

High Noon

High Noon 8/11/2011

I went for a walk
In the middle of the day
And the sun heated up the clouds
And my shirt stuck to my skin.

I retraced my steps
Back to the old parking lot
The one where we crossed the tracks
And I jumped from the train.

There was no one around
And the weeds grew all over
And I stepped on broken metal and glass
Hot and faded
Rusted and dirty.

The world is colorless
And it is bleached beige and gray
Sucking the life out of my pores
One drop at a time.

Something is different
And something is heavy
And I can almost hear the laughter
Echoing under the bridge.


Today is not a surprise
And tomorrow will be the same
Because I am walking in circles
In the desert
Inside of my head.

Other people are on the street
And other people
Sit by the fountain
Young and full of promise.

But I am old before my time
Seasoned by the bleeding
Never knowing if it was good or bad
And still incomplete.

I am crippled by the past
Heavily burdened
By a sin
That is unforgivien.

The old signs still hang
But barely readable
And the past slowly dies
One speck at a time.

I want to hold on
But also throw away
Because I am caught in the middle
And don’t know where to turn.

We build up
And then we tear apart
Without ever taking stock
About who we are
And where we are going.

I love Just as much now
As I ever did then
But the feeling is gone
And all I have is obligation.

I give and do not question
And I lose without tears
Because they have all been wasted
And there is no more to shed.

The earth has been watered
With my blood and my pride
My name just as meaningless
As the useless and the lost.

The words seem less hurtful now
But anger would do no good
But this peace comes with sadness
The kind that will never heal.

No forced smile can change
The enormity of the loss
And there will never be any pity
For the strong or the good.

I have much to do
And many mountains to climb
More of a choice than a feeling
Without cruel expectations.

Now is the hard part
The time to prove my heart
Whether or not my promises
Are worth more than dreams.


I.E.D

Something slithers out of a lake
And something is hidden under the ice
A darker secret than we can guess
An image in our minds
Or ancient reality
We don’t know
And our lives don’t mean a thing.

I saw the bodies
And I saw the wreckage
Scattered on the walls
And sticking to the ceiling.

The age or terror is upon us
And sudden horror strikes At morning, at night
Or in the middle of the day.

There is no reason
And there is no excuse
Even though some may argue
And some may wish.

A deep malignant hatred
And misplaced rage
Directed at others
Out of jealousy and blame.

The innocent are slaughtered
And the good are slandered
Attacked, ridiculed and mocked
For telling the truth.

How can you fight the enemy
If you can’t say who he is
And how can you survive
If you can’t say why.

A cult of doom
Straight from the heart of darkness
An allegiance to demons
Burning with hatred.

They cut throats
And they murder babies
Cheering at the death of innocents
And laughing at the blood.

They lie and they infiltrate
While we look the other way
An unchecked invasion
To steal, convert, and murder.

Thousands and thousands of acts
All the same
By the same people
For the same reason
All ignored
And swept under the rug.

Armageddon is here
And it is all around us
Feeding the flames
Everywhere you look.

For every problem
There is a solution
And as long as we rise
There is hope.

Evil shall burn
And blow away like ashes
Destroyed in an hour
For once and forever.

But many shall die
For no reason
Because we waited
And because we pretended.

When its too late
Others can point their fingers
And when its all over
Others can weep.

But we have our eyes
And we have our ears
But we will have neither
With our heads in the sand.

Deaths Head Rising

This is from 2008 but I just made some changes. I used to call this Gotterdamerung


Deaths Head 8/10/2011

I am the son
Of a deep black collider
A secret and a mystery
Of accidental fate
And ancient invention.

All of us are different
But all of us are connected
Created and recreated
Infused and filled with fire.

I don’t need a disease
To make myself feel better
And I don’t need anyone’s label
To make me feel good.

There is no cure
That I want
Because there is no definition
For the pain of the truth.

Deep down
We all know
Because it was true
True at first light
The first thought and knowledge
Before we doubted
And knew fear.

I am an enigma
And I am a riddle
An aberrant result
Of an uncontrolled reaction
Forgotten and purposeless.

I am just waiting
For the bombardment to stop
Numb to the cold
And almost out of time.

People can be your friends
But silence is the enemy
Because it kills so very slowly
Day by day
And drop by drop.

And I don’t know what to write
And I hate to bring anyone down
But I am like a black fish
Swimming sideways
And dying.

When the last shots are fired
And all of us are dead
Will anyone read these words
Or even understand.

I hate to think
That my words are wasted
While I flounder
In my own blood
And drown.

It’s not that I hate small talk
But something inside has died
And it’s not that I stopped caring
But so much has happened
And so much has been lost
That I don’t know where to start.

I am not the same man
That I used to be
My eyes lost their spark
As all the colors drained away
But as I look back at the horror
The anger gives me strength
And now they are blazing stones of death.

If you have never been to the wilderness
Then you don’t know desolation
And how the earth covers the ruins
And all is lost to time.

Others shall come
And sift through the rubble
Guessing what must have happened
Maybe they will find
Some bones or some hair
Or maybe nothing at all.

Three and four make seven
And six and one the same
Each value different
But all the sums the same.

If seven is the holy number
Then I was meant to write it down
Because each letter has a number
And all are seven spaces apart
All numbers equidistant
And all of it equals seven.

If you killed a man
Would you expect him to laugh?
And if you left him wounded
Do you think he would smile?
If so then why would my words offend?
When everyone is true
And why do I get the blame?
When all I did was good.

A false pretender
Promised himself a friend
But then he raised up a knife
And cut me in twoLeaving me to die
Bleeding in the snow.

Except I haven’t died
And I lived to watch
As everything I loved
Was stolen away
As I suffer
And bleed to death.

People seek comfort
And also seek advantage
Leaving you in a heartbeat
But only if there’s something
To be gained
And there’s nothing left
You can give them.

No one will remember
That I stood my ground
The last man standing
In the valley of the dead.

Left to face the horde
Without supply and alone
Written off as dead
As they all ran away.

They can all pretend
That I never lived at all
Writing me out of the story
Or just make me to blame.

I’ll never understand
Why its so important
To step on a dying man
Like somehow I deserved
I lose all I loved.

To let me dangle and twist
On three cords of fate
Just watching
And dying.

I am the falsely accused
And once again I am denied
Bleeding to death
In a frozen trench
With a thousand smoldering skulls.

In the valley of the dead
The radiation kills slowly
Just like the desperation
When all hope is gone
And my bones are all dried out
And I crumble to nothing.

It’s hard to see
Your life ebb away
With time enough
To gather all the memories
In a heap of unfinished dreams
And you can’t stop the suffocation
In your own living blood.

But I am not afraid of hell
Because I have seen it already
And even though I may die
Incomplete and guilty
I have lived unmoved.

If you find me
Don’t take it lightly
But always remember
Yes try and remember that
Every time someone runs
Someone else has to die.

The deaths head is rising
And the cult of doom burns
With bodies strewn in pieces
And laughter in the streets.

We have watched
And did nothing
But the choice is clear enough
To kill for survival
Or die without a fight.

Broken Glass and The Beating

Breaking Glass from 2007


Nothing like the feeling
Like a late winters nap
Burrowed under the covers
With no thoughts except peace
And time slows to nothing
And you can feel it stop.

Thoughts start to wonder
Backwards to unexpected places
Sounds, smells and feelings
And long forgotten faces.

Haunting memories
That are neither good or bad
Because now I am not so certain
Not like before.

The feeling like all is past
And everything is over
But it’s not clear what that means
Whether it means freedom
Or the fear of the unknown.

The taste of red wine
And sounds of post punk paranoia
Useless efforts to earn or run
And uncomfortable laughter.

Friends of mine
And friends of yours
At different times and places
So real and yet so distant.

I was soo different then
All fury and fire
I wanted it all
Without having to wait.

I built up the walls
Only to tear them down
And I then I would try and change
Only to do it
All over again.

Euphoria gave way to grief
And the sound of breaking glass
The pieces glittering on the ground
Random moments but a crack in time
Shattered, scattered
And impossible to find.

She was a friend of mine
And for the first time it didn’t matter
Not wondering whether it would last
Or what she meant
But just me
And I believed.

I told the truth
When she asked
What else
Could I say about me?
As if the proof
Would make a difference.

Surging forward
To the present
And yes I know
That I should have learned
When I was young.

We fought
But not about love
But something else
About winning or losing
And getting what we want
Because no one ever wants to lose.

I look inside to find the words
Something real and meaningful
To penetrate this melancholia
And break through this normalcy
To shake the world.

Is it really
About how things look
And why do we always hide our motives
If guilt stands accusing
Maybe there’s a reason.

I tried to not to make promises
I would regret
But I did
And walked away.

The background fades
But an essential part lags behind
Leaving me crippled
By self inflicted wounds.

A darkness falls
All rage and fury
And inside my skeleton
Struggles
Straining to get free.

Someone is drinking at the same bar
Someone is laughing
In the same house
That I was born in.

In the news
The killers are on the run
There’ll be a standoff soon
But I have my own demons
And my own pain.

Somewhere a shell explodes
And random shots pierce the night.
But I can’t stop the world
So it’s useless to worry.

In the silent boredom of tomorrow
Another kind of horror dawns
But I shall look inside
To find what I need.

Enough strength
To carry on
And enough heart
To smile.

Walking alone
Into a tall gray building
Like a soldier at sunrise
A solitary silhouette
Against a burning sky.


The beating 8/9/2011

I was driving in my car
And I saw a group of people
Standing in a circle
Over in the ditch.

I got out
Just to see the commotion
That was when I saw
And that was when I knew.

I saw the victim
At the side of the road
All beaten and bloody
And moaning.
His face was unrecognizable
And his eye a bloody mess
So swollen and smashed
That my stomach turned
And I tasted blood in my mouth.

He recovered
But I heard he lost an eye
Another day
And another crime.

There are something’s
That no one will say
And that is the problem
And why we live this way.

If the good show weakness
Then evil sees approval
And the silence of the undecided
Only makes them bolder.

I have seen it before
And we’ll see it again
Nine out of ten
And always from behind.

They travel in groups
And they look for the unaware
Hitting them from behind
And kicking them
When they are down.

They laugh and they cheer
Because they want you to fear
But as for me, I am not afraid
Because I know how it ends
And I know why.

They are filled with hatred
And they pick their victims
To suit their taste
As obvious as you can get
But you won’t see it on TV.

The Reichstag is burning
Because that is what they do
Creating a crisis
To get a response
Or anything to get their way.

They hate the constitution
And they hate the rule of law
Especially if it’s equally enforced
And fair.

You can see it coming
But we all just wait
Unable to speak
And unwilling to act
Until it’s too late
And there’s nothing left to save.

People are beaten and robbed
And all the stores are sacked
Any excuse for a beating
And an opportunity to steal.

It will get worse
And there will be more
As order falls into chaos
And we descend into hell.

Be ready
Because hell is opening wide
But be careful what you believe
Because the worst is yet to come.

But be not fearful
And be not deceived
For many are those
Who lie, manipulate and steal.

There is bubbling
Beneath the surface
And there is friction
Building in our minds.

The day will come
When the fire will rain
Burning them down
And burning them away.

Sunken Treasure

Just a few from last year. I have not finished any new ones today.


Sunken Treasure 9/7/2010

My feet sank deep in the sand
As the sea pulled away
And I picked up a shell
That poked through the surface
Shining like a jewel in my hand.

Eternal as the sun
The sound of the surging waves
Countless as the bubbles tickling my legs
The endless cycle of tide, sand, dreams.

The salty water sprayed into my face
And I remembered other times
And other places
Cold and brackish it awakens the senses
To lost centuries unrecorded.

Far out in the ocean
Miles below the ocean
Lay the resting places Of man, his dreams and treasure.

Risking all for momentary glory
So far away from home
The sea reclaims its own
As it washes over my bones
Cleansed from pride and dishonor.

The small fish strives against the waves
Trying to get back out to sea
A furiously flashing teardrop of silver
It disappears
Never to be seen again.

I too am striving
Trying to get back to zero
Back to where I am welcome
And back again to rest.

The breeze is cool
And the birds skim the white caps
Looking for food
And crying.

My daughter dances in the surfAnd we laugh at silly dreams
The kind only children can have
And men only long for.

And I throw my head back
And laugh like a pirate
One who has already found his treasure
And needs nothing else.



Time tilt 9/3/2010

Sentimental feelings die hard
Unresolved and unspoken
The understanding of which
We never seem to know.

You can’t capture wind in a jar
Like our thoughts it escapes into air
Disappearing into unknown spaces
Like puffs of smoke that rise and dissipate
The memories of yesterday, today and tomorrow.

No matter what we do
We always return
And no matter what we say
They remain in dusty boxes
In the back of our mind.

We stumble into quick sand
By using the same old emotions
And never see the snares in our path
But we react rather than see
And sidestep into disaster.

I am here
And the night is still
So still that I can feel time
Slowing down and tilting
Just enough for me to get a glimpse
Of all my life at once
Both happy and sad.

Ceaselessly the seasons pass away
Births and deaths punctuate the days
And now time cycles backwards
Rolling over on itself.

I remember many things that were
Embellished and bejeweled they tug at my heart
And I am left vacant and lost
Thinking of a future that I’ll never have.

I could feel fall coming
A familiar taste and smell of late summer
The sun golden and heavy
Full, ripe and sinking.

There I was walking up the street
And as I passed through the lunch crowd
I saw myself in the past laughing
And wondered how different it could be
Guessing about how I must look
And how he must feel about me?

A strange double life
Split down the middle
With one half safe
And the other drowning.

I can almost see and almost hear
That delusional person I was
Unknowing and purposeless
Such a fine meal for sacrifice.

But I can’t return to that impatient self
That part fell away, split down the middle
Falling downwards without any bottom
And still falling forever.

My dreams have awakened
The secret eye of the soul
Illustrating things forgotten
And unresolved.

Once my dreams were of hidden places
Of huge possibilities opened up
Unexpected and magical
But now they are smaller, dark and cruel
All about the unfinished
The things I never did right
Or the things I never did at all.

My conscience doesn’t bother me
But my omissions are haunting
And I feel unworthy and unloved
Scarred, ugly and wasted.

The world turns on a tilt
The seasons change
And the ceaseless tides of life and death continue
But my heart has stopped
While my body keeps on living.

Ghosts are like a memory
Caught in eternal limbo
Either unwilling to let go
Or unable to leave.

I too am a ghost
Wondering up and down the hall
Reliving some kind of agonizing moment
Unable to ever escape.

We spend our time gaming the tables
Giving to just to get
And loving just to steal
Artificial thoughts and artificial places
No matter how grand
Just shallow and temporary.

The tables exchange our money
And our days reflect our wants
Always a way to use or argue
To our own benefit, money, or time.

Does every thought need a purpose?
And must every action be self-serving?
In 10,000 years no different than today
No matter the planning and the effort
We fall into our actions
And suffer our own rewards.

My words are like water on a rock
They flow useless over dead matter
But let the dead carry their tombs
No longer able to hear
The voice of man or God.


The weight

Imperceptible the creeping end
One millimeter, two millimeter, three millimeter, four
Miles beneath my feet
Ancient rock shifts and sinks
And I feel so very alone.

The time of troubles
That seems to never end
So small that we didn’t even notice
The day it started or the day it ends.

I never noticed at the time
That vague sense of death
Not enough to rouse me from sleep
But just enough to hurt.

It is the first wound deep and mortal
That is the one that cannot heal
Penetrating from back to front
The one I knew was coming
But didn’t know from where.

The secrets are deep within me
And they do not come out without pain
Uneasy they rest inside my memory
Almost undetected, but growing.

Looking forwards you never see it coming
The painful snares that lay in our path
We react rather than see
And side step into disaster.

In my dreams I have seen the connection
And in my heart I have felt its sting
Aghast my breath taken away
At the tragic but expected end.

I have chosen a course
And have suffered the consequence
And I have succeeded and failed
Still standing
But full of deadly holes.

Unwanted I wandered in grief
Back into the desperate wasteland I left
But I never found any water
And I never found any resolution.

The sun still passes overhead
And the past has circled out of view
The wounding words hurt a little less
But the pain never goes away.

I am alone
And all my help has disappeared
Long since evaporated
Leaving salt in my wounds.

Moments pass
And I cherish what I can
My daughters smile
And her soft caress.

Sitting on the rocks
We got our feet wet at the lake
And we laughed at silly dreams
The kind only children can have.

I shall never be as before
The small things do not matter now
Wasted my impatient days of youth
When I knew love
And sighed in false safety.

I am so far fallen
And I know where I went wrong
And I listen to cruel normalcy
And it still hurts my heart.

Everything I ever said
And everything I ever did
All thoughts, ideas, and dreams
Have gone somewhere to stay
Outside of length, width, depth and time.

Just because we cannot see
Doesn’t mean it isn’t there
Beyond our limited vision
God’s dimension
And heavy with time.