We count with numbers
And we celebrate their passage
Measuring what we have
The long way around.
Reminding ourselves
Who we were
But also
Who we are.
But sometimes we ask
And the answer is no
And sometimes we try
And are left, all alone.
And then it is hard
To hold up your head
Weighed down by the burden
Of shame
And defeat.
Birthdays come
And birthdays go
While we say hello
And then goodbye.
I hold my son
While I still can
Knowing the weight
He will lift
And carry.
I would lift if all
If I could
But that is not a choice
I'll get to make.
Thinking back
I remember the strain
Hating myself
For falling asleep.
I missed it all
Adrift in my dreams
The first chances I blew
Two lifetimes ago.
Long since passed over
The bittersweet journey
Of incredible highs
And devastating lows.
A bitter pill to swallow
Once I knew the truth
That I had never been safe
And never known at all.
I drifted into love
Without making the choice
The kind that wakes you up
Earnest and deliberate.
I never knew
That it must be earned
Won every day
And fiercely protected.
I paid the price
And I paid it hard
Split open
And bled white
Caught from behind
And unaware.
Frozen in time
And unable to digest
All that I did not know
And lost.
Barely scratching the surface
Of a deep and satisfying harvest
The treasure plundered
Untouched
And undefended.
Leaving me to wildly swing
Against nothing at all
Fighting with shadows
In a haunted bed.
Withered and wasted
Shrunken and dead
Unwilling and unable
To heal or grow.
Time passed over
For what it seemed like forever
Before I could ever rise up
And walk erect.
My son grows
Just like the others
A different generation
Of tender promise.
A hope
And a miracle
Straining against gravity
The joy of living
Happy and chaotic.
I'll go home
And throw my arms
Around him
Happy to live
And try again.
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