Defiance

Defiance 2/1/2012

Took a long wordless walk
Just to think
And absorb the feeling
Back past the old haunts
Of concrete, steel and glass.

A lot has happened
And a lot has changed
Because I am not the same
And never will be again.

Gone is the man
Who woke up with a plan
And gone is the youth
Who woke up and cared.

That man full of passion
Who thought well of himself
Who dreamed about small things
And lived in his emotions.

He was a slave
Enslaved by the world
Without even knowing it
And lashing out irrationally.

Angry at all the indifference
And resentful of the smallest slights
Wasting all his energy
On useless argument.

Depending on others
To worry about the obligations
Because he was too busy
Wasting all his treasure.

Bored by the details
And lost in himself
Always looking to escape
And avoid all the pain.

Now I am different
And now I don’t care
Neither above nor below
But beyond.

Beyond the reach of angst
And numb to the cold
Unimpressed by their ambitions
And turned off by their pride.

The neglected buildings
Crumble and fall
Dripping rusting pieces
Onto the sidewalk.

Eventually they will disappear
And be replaced by the new
Fake glass monuments
That were only built
To sink.

It can take a long time
To truly know thyself
Coldly assessing all the damage
And connecting all the dots.

But it takes more
Than knowing how we fail
Because without renewal
Or learning
We just do it
All over again.

I had to lock away my heart
In order to keep it
And I had to kill all my pride
In order to survive.

You can never grow
If you never learn the truth
Not only the good
But also the bad.

Taking the slow and deliberate steps
To live in reality
And appreciating every moment
Of friendship and love.

Stepping off the treadmill
And forgetting the grid
Leading by following
And understanding the difference.

It is not about
Having every answer
And its not about
Winning every point.

It’s about making the effort
And never giving up
Knowing how to give
And knowing who to ask.