Thicker Than Water

Thicker Than Water 1/31/2012

If I could force out
Tears of blood
What good would it do?
Nothing more
And nothing less
Than everything I lost.

My dreams are dead
And so is all my treasure
The great pearl for which I bled
Stolen and put on display.

The past is far away
And I have given it to God
But even though it is far
It keeps coming back again.

Even though I have survived
And new life has sprung forth
I still pay the price
Every second
And every day.

We can run all we want
And we can say
That the truth is not welcome
But still it lives
And still it comes.

We can turn our heads
And pretend we didn’t notice
Or we can force another
Painful smile
But nothing ever changes
And nothing ever will.

There is more
Than one kind of debt
And there is more
Than one way to pay
As I live lift my feet
One in front of the other.

Always behind
With never enough
And forever hoping to see it through
Making myself rise
And face it once more.

It doesn’t matter what is said
And it doesn’t matter who is there
The damage done
And beyond repair.

I pray and I try
And I amuse myself with words
Pouring out the emotions
Into dead white spaces.

I string them in sentences
And I pair them in verses
Always incomplete
And haunting.

Nothing is ever finished
And nothing is ever resolved
Nothing reconciled
And nothing healed.

It is the old wounds
Deep and deadly
That never seem to mend
Still bleeding
But never killing.

Scarred and ruined
As I drag myself around
Cut off at the knees
Without hands or help.

The kind of reminder
That others try to forget
Because they know
How and why.

There is little satisfaction
And no one understands the cost
Because nothing is ever enough
And it multiplies every day.

You cannot escape
The ghosts of murder
Because even their blood cries out
Thirsting for revenge
And calling out to God.

My spirit was murdered
And all I loved betrayed
As I was left with nothing
And ashamed every day.

But if you listen closely
You can hear my heavy heart
Still beating
Strong and sure.

I have prayed
And I have asked
Every night and every day
Unceasingly knocking at the door.

Forever comes
Both to the good
And the bad
But not for all
Shall this door
Be opened.