Cold Storage

Cold Storage 9/29/2011

There are boxes in my head
And each one has a name
A memory of a person
Both those alive
And those now dead.

I keep them stacked in rows
And open them with a thought
And instantly I remember
Where I was and what was said.

I loved many of these people
But I hope that no one asks
Because they should know by now
What I feel
Because I know they know
All that I lost.

Some have a layer of dust
Because I haven't opened them in years
But others remain open
Their contents rearranged.

I can move them around
But I can never forget
No matter how much I try
And no matter where I go.

I take them with me
When I go to work
And I open them
In my dreams.

Inescapable unfinished business
Sitting in my brain
Skewing all my decisions
For those I haven't met.

I make observations
But never know for sure
So I go backwards in my mind
And pull out the files.

Damn the memories!
And Damn the dreams!
Pulling me backwards
All over again.

A part of me wants to remember
And a part wants to forget
But I'll never be free
And the answer
Is far away.

The boxes are heavy
But there is no escape
And I wonder
What will happen to them
When I am gone.

Will God take them out
Piece by piece
Because he probably sees them now
And already knows.

Where I went wrong
And what I did or didn't do
The mistakes and the omissions
To haunt me.

But I can't be forgiven
Until I forgive myself
And no one can move on
Unfinished and undone.

No man can change the past
And you can't change people
Not unless they are willing
And really understand.

I had to change myself
But not soon enough to matter
So here I remain
Picking up the mess
From yesterdays pain.

You are all free
But I know you will not leave
So I will have to say goodbye
Until I think of you again.