No apologies

Unashamed 6/2/2011

Was it even me
That self I tried to kill
Out in the wilderness
All alone and full of loathing.

It seems so far removed
That twisted disfigured part
Contorted in pain
And writhing in agony
A terrible memory I cannot shake.

I wanted to die
And I wanted to disappear
Crawling into a black hole
To sleep forever.

I tried to numb the pain
But it always came back
And I tried to escape
But it was always there.

I drank but was still thirsty
And I took the medicine
But was still wide awake
In never ending nights of horror
Still aware and dying.

I wanted to say I was sorry
But I no longer remembered why
After all that I have lost
And after all that I had dreamed.

I tried to crush my pride
And I tried to purge my demons
Wandering inside a deep black abyss
To search out my sins.

Dying isn’t easy
And that part of self still remains
Frozen in pictures
Devoid of recognition
And almost faded away.

I pass as though a shadow
In the back of the room
And observe life
Like others try and live it.

But all I feel is sorrow
And all I know is regret
As I walk invisibly
From place to place
All alone and forgotten.

I see myself smiling
But it doesn’t mean a thing
And I see myself full of hope
But I know how it ends.

Others come and go
And they speak as though sure
Pretending that they are alive
And that I am dead.

But I live anyway
Aware and thinking
Remembering, knowing
And bleeding and dying.

Suicide is evil
And suicide is selfish
Lest you leave a painful legacy
And punish your children
With regret and doubt.

But dying isn’t easy
If it’s not your time to go
And even ghosts seem to linger
Where there are still debts to pay.

But you wouldn’t let me die
And you wouldn’t let me sleep
Invading my thoughts with hope
Filling every pour with forgiveness
Lifting me up and driving me on.

Even the greatest of pains
Can be withstood
With dignity and honor
Just by breathing
And standing still.

Art gives substance to vision
And words express the soul
Deeply felt and painful
Awkward if spoken
And coming out all wrong
Ending in anger
And drowning in emotion.

But in these letters
My heart finds release
But for a time at peace
Without pain or remorse.

A fire has been kindled
And no man can put it out
Still smoldering underground
Until just the right moment .

The good give up easily
And pack away their heart
Confining their souls
In someone else’s dreams.

They lose themselves in others
So they never have to know
What it might mean to try
And what it might mean to lose.

To stretch out your heart
And be rejected
Or pursue your dreams
And have it ridiculed.

If life has any meaning
Then we are one of a kind
But God does not force himself
Because he makes us choose.

I have made my choice
And I shall not give in
Even if I am cornered
And even if I die.

I shall stand
Until I can stand no more
Tying myself to a tree
When all my strength is gone.

To fight with all the spirit
That God has given me
To keep the fire burning
Even in the darkest hours.

For all the good must stay awake
Even when the world is sleeping
Until we finish
And God also chooses
To call us home.