Missing

Missing 6/27/2011

There is a place
That I have been
In between dreams and knowledge
Inside of myself
But outside the world.

Where my mind starts to wander
And the truth becomes clear
Where there is no need to guess
Because I know..

I remember the sounds
And I remember the faces
As they echo throughout the past
And instantly I return
And feel once again.

The sudden separations are over
And I dream that I am awake
Back to where I was
Long ago and far away.

Those that I loved
And those long dead
Return and speak once again
And I can feel their presence
And know that its f0r real.

But never are we able
To finish or complete
Forgive or reconcile
Because no man can see God
And return.

The words come then
In a flood of creativity
Overflowing my mind
And I know in an instant
What I should say or write.

But they are forgotten
In the demands of the day
And they die unused
Wasted and dry.

We all long for that place
That missing place in our hearts
An inevitable uneasy feeling
Because the world is corrupt
And dying.

We all long for eternity
And we all long for that perfection
To recapture a surreal memory
As impossible as it was beautiful.

Those effortless moments
Remain suspended in our memory
Perfect as crystal snowflakes
Falling on a black velvet dream.
.
Where we were laughing
And nothing ever hurt
And no one every died
And we were forgiven.

Our loved ones
Are bathed in soft light
And long sultry pauses
The kind you can never forget
No matter how long
Or how far.

But I am here
And the worries return
And I am once again
Staggered by the loss
And crushed by its weight.

No two people are the same
And every love hurts differently
But I am marked forever
With sadness and regret.

I never thought about the horror
And I never thought about the future
Receding away
Out of sight and out of mind
Remote like death
But just as final.

I lived in whimsical emotion
And I had all I wanted
Diving into a deep black abyss
Without knowing the bottom.

I drank Irish Whiskey
And I wore a black velvet jacket
Smashing the bottles behind the house
And screaming like a wild man.

I drove fast in the rain
And I felt invincible
And immortal
So I destroyed everything
Without regard to pain.

Death is a mystery
And it takes the good and the bad
Sometimes tragic
And sometimes timely
But almost always unwanted

But in the end
Nothing changes
And life passes by
And we adapt Imperceptibly
Towards a person
That we don’t know.

She gave in to what I wanted
And never told me
How much it hurt
And I just never noticed
How much was really lost.

We disappear
In the pursuit of ourselves
And never even conceive
How precious our time.

I took my chances
And I still lived
But at what cost
And at what sacrifice.

By the time I saw
It was too late to save
And my dreams spin
Out of control
And off a cliff.

She said I have a black cloud
That follows where I go
And she hated the rain
That fell on our heads.

I never paid attention
To mundane demands
Preferring my beautiful thoughts
To the needs of the day.

I have veered far off course
And ended up alone
So far removed
From reconciliation
Or comfort.

In the desert
I cried out of help
And broke apart
What I had made
Because I couldn’t see the point
And didn’t care at all.

I tried to kill that part
That part of me I left
But it wasn’t easy
And it wasn’t fast.

Wandering around in the sun
And trying to numb my pain
When it always came back
And there was nowhere to go.

I am alive but also dead
And now my life is over
But yet I live
And yet I bleed.

Someone has to pay the price
And someone always has to lose
To walk straight and hold up their head
As they stand and sacrifice.

My shadow elongates
And I am stretched taller
As I walk into the sun
To face a future
Unseen and violent.

I am different than I was
And I fix my eyes
With deadly determination
With nothing left to lose
And nothing left to hate.

I am just as free
As I ever was
Bloodied but undefeated
And humbled but unashamed.

To love with all my heart
Those I still have near
And make the most
Of these small moments
For whatever kind of future
That I cannot know.