Jumping the fence and The Longest Day

Jumping the fence From May 2006 Haven't even looked at this in five years. The second one is titled "The Longest Day" it is written from the perspective of someone who is dying. I have never sent these to any of my firends.

Painful words on a cocktail napkin
But too afraid to finish
Hard to close the door once opened
With the waters surging through.

In between the pages
Endless days have passed
Each one without a word
Passing through morning, evening and night.
Without history, memory or meaning.

Over our shoulder looking backwards
We wonder if they ever really happened
The same day as the others
All over again.

In between the tests
Still burned by the last
No strings above and
And no net below
On a thin prayer of faith
I am held.

I cut my hand on the roses
I ran the water over the vein
Cool and clear to stop
The bleeding
And hide the wound.

Long after she left
I could feel the echo
Reminding me what she wanted
Pierced through bone and marrow.

A slow moment passes between
A silent eternity of possibilities
It remains where we exist
Both together and alone
And I am alive
But also dying.

Like a mystery viewed through water
Looking down from above
And I am a flat fish swimming sideways
And dying.

Watery memory not quiet perfect
Yet indelible on my mind
I knew what it meant
But I knew where it would it lead
Nowhere but pain
And all we’d have is sorrow.

There’s more than what I missed
There’s more than what I wanted
But I just can’t lose the meaning
Of something too beautiful to ruin.

Take a part of me with you
The last perfect part
The one you can’t see or feel
The one that doesn’t cause pain.
And will never disappoint.

A deep dive into the fountains
A fast drive down the coast
Up the hills and around the corners
Throw your head back in laughter
And cry out my name.

Before it’s ruined
Before these words disappear
Like a horse unbridled
Let the spirit run.

I can feel it now
Surging in my blood
A future full of possibilities
And a handful of fury.

I am forgiven
For all the things I’ve done
No longer to stare at the flames
And wonder if what I lost
Was worth what I won.

The fatalistic fever has broken
And disordered thoughts focus
On the roof and on the ledge
In between decisions
And drifting
Up against a fence
28 stories high.

There were things I couldn’t say
I never thought they would understand
It wasn’t because I was lonely
Because all men are lonely
And thirsty.

Its not that I am such a secret
I am just never sure
Whether anyone would believe
Or understand.

I never meant to be so thoughtless
Building a life
Just to tear it down
I was bored and disaffected
Easier to wallow in alienation
Than to love.

I have yet to know
Why I am here
And these words
Are never enough
To fill the wounds.

Thoughts and dreams
Rush on by
If I could only capture
And describe what it means
And tell you
What I needed you to know.

I remember the fight
On the fire escape
I just couldn’t believe
That all I loved was dead

I’ll never be the same
Now that the blood has spilled
I’ll never be as peaceful
Now that I see the truth

But I am not afraid of the future
And dying holds no morbid fascination
It doesn’t matter what it will feel like
Its okay either way
Because I don’t have a choice.

Like a soldier who lost a friend
Walking the ruins
Remembering the house
He grew up in
Never sure why he lives
Scarred but awakened
And free of the past.

I’m gonna jump the fence
And keep on running
Straight through a gray curtain of rain
Into a future uncertain
Shot through with random chaos
And intermittent pain.

Into the wide open
Without judgment or fear
The same old story
Told in different words
Still to be decided.

Love cannot live long
Without food or water
But all I ever needed
Is already here
Everything I ever wanted
Crossing over into wordless beauty.


The Longest Day June 2006

Today I know
Something inside is growing
And I will die
I could tell by the look on their face
Even before you told me.

I can feel it
Slowly growing
A lump in my side
And a pain in my chest.

I don’t know what to do
Much less what to think
But you were there for me
When I was lost
And I’m glad you’re here now.

I don’t feel I’ve lived enough
To truly let go
But some choices
Are not for us to make.

It will get harder
But when my breath gets shallow
And I can’t respond
Will you hold my hand?
And remember?

Dreams that will not happen
Are hard to forget
And I fear the end
And darkness.

Will I suffocate?
Or will I starve?
And will I even know?
The future is dark
And I am scared.

There were painful times
But there was also the good
I can only remember the good now
The past is behind us.

You were the one
Who really knew me
Who stuck by me
When the times were tough
Stick with me now
Even though
I am gaunt and pale.

I remember the pain I caused
It haunts me
I remember the things I’ve done
And I can’t go back.

It’s not fair
But I know nothing is
Am I supposed to be grateful?
I guess that is everyone will say.

But I am angry
Angry at the world
Why would God let this happen?
Unexpected and cruel.

I know I shouldn’t think that
But what did I ever do to deserve this?
Are my sins any greater?
And my days slip away.

I am not perfect
None of us are
But I am proud of you
For being here.

Through warm tears
I see your pained smile
And I just hate to leave
When there is so much left to live for.

But food has lost its taste
And the colors all fade to gray
Inside I am dried up
And in no time
I’ll be gone.

I have to believe
Pray that I’ll believe
Hold me in silence
And all is forgiven.

Take care of the kids
Give them a part of me
To remember
Laugh with them
And cry with them
If only I could.

And always remember
That you are my one and only
You have become a great man
The one I always knew you could be
And never forget
That I love you.