The Blood Harvest 4/27/2010
Just as the ripple spreads outward
Reaching every edge of the pond
So must one thing lead to another
Each and every decision
Guided by the last.
Imperceptible moments of decision pass
For God does not act
Without giving us a chance
No hole too deep
For us to dig out of
Before the earth swallows the dead.
The silent clouds pass
Across the many still hours lived
Straining to see backwards
Through awkward painful dreams.
Captured and lost
Stilted and dead.
We make our own decisions
But our course is confined by events
Funneled one way or another
By the constraints of weakness and pride.
We look back in anger
And we lash out in all directions
Without seeing the end
And where it all began.
Rot spreads like a cancer
But we must know from where it grows
Because it cannot spread until it starts
And we must know the cause
Before we kill it dead.
The weight of time
And the burden of memory
It has become too heavy
Too heavy for me to lift.
And I am just worn out from the fight
And training myself not to care.
I can see where it started
Evil came in but not uninvited
Preying upon unseen weaknesses
Little by little and inch by inch.
How many have been misguided
And how many good things aborted
If only we had seen it coming
So much could have been done.
Outside there are the lions
Back and forth they pace and turn
Waiting for an opening
To kill and devour.
The greater the gift
The more they are threatened
And the more they must deceive
Finding a way to slip through our defensives
And thrust a knife in our heart.
I was left alone with the memories
I was the one who kept them all
No escape to new surroundings
And no one to help at all.
I tried to hold on
But it wasn’t about me
Never able to shake the past
And never able to buy another.
I could not stop the inevitable
And I can’t create what isn’t there
Hoping against hope
For a way to manage
But just for a piece of time.
I made it as long as I could
But no one can wait forever
I had to give it over
What was never mine to keep.
Now my world is silent
I guess because I have lost
Nothing much left worth taking
The damage now done
And I am alone.
All that I loved is gone
And the journey is back to zero
Every day with just enough strength to carry
The debts of a distant past.
Everywhere I walk
And everywhere I sit
I am always reminded
Of all that I was
And all that I lost.
Standing at the bus stop
Or sitting on a bench
I see and hear bits and pieces
The buzz of a life
That I once lived.
I am hanging on
Just barely at the edge of existence
Not really respectable
And just above disaster.
I watch as others laugh
For me the laughter has died
I exist but for one reason
Those who I must raise.
The pain is great
But the insult is worse
Going it alone disgraced
With the debts of unequal burdens
Coming after me every morning
And taking all I have.
There is so much I know
But even strangers
Always see the same
No way everyone could be wrong
True at first light
Just like everyone knew
And just like I said.
You call evil good
And good you call evil
But the truth is bigger than us
And we will have to answer
For each and every lie.
I took the blame
Because my options were gone
But I am not the one to blame
And it’s not all my problem
Because we know where it started
And I know where it ends.
The train has left the station
And the seed lies dead in the ground
The rains shall come
And the sun shall rise
All in the due course of time.
Tomorrow is silent
And today is almost over
Another incremental day
And another pain in my chest.
A truth has dawned
And it is self evident
It’s not all about me
And it never was
Because it was all about you
And it all came from a lie.
In time, I’ll have mine
And you’ll get yours
Because the good only die once
But some shall die twice
A long delayed harvest
From the seeds already sowed.
The seeds come from a lie
And it is all about money, ease and comfort
All about running away
And all about childish dreams
Dumb and shallow
Greedy and dead.
Some people have nothing inside
Nothing to share and nothing to give
So they seek outward
To fill their vacant souls.
Always asking
To find out what others think
And to find out what they want
But giving just to get
And loving just to steal.
Someday harvest will come
Yes sure as the sun
To each as their true motives show
And to each as they’ve sown.
The Shadowlands 4/28/2010
Above me the storm clouds gather
Full of fury gray, green, and black
Unexpectedly cold and windy
But not because we didn’t know
Because we were warned
But never believed.
In the shadowlands
All words are choked with dust
And the earth is baked and cracked
Except for in the winters
Of blowing snow and black ice.
The old places still stand
But time has made the bones brittle
Crumbling into dust before our eyes
Vanishing and never to return.
The battles have been fought
And an uneasy peace has settled
Restless sounds across the wheat
As dark clouds start to gather.
I was there in the sun
And I felt its warmth on my head
Running backwards through my mind
To a place I once knew.
The old wood is rotting
An American gothic land of despair
Lonely as the dead across the distances
Bleached, cracked, and pitted.
A swirling funnel cloud
Churns up earth and dust
Scattering tumbleweeds far afield
Timeless destruction and hesitant rebirth
Desperate as it always was.
My face is ashen and smeared with blood
I am not the man that I once was
Beaten by unseen hands
And stabbed from behind.
I still stand
But I am not proud
And I still dream
But my plans have shrunk.
All the things that I knew
Are gone
Vanished and unfamiliar
As we gaze across a landscape
Of incalculable loss.
The price of neglect
And the wages of convenience
All abandoned to the ravages of fate
And surrendered inch by inch.
A matter of perspective
Is what some might say
The quiet longing we feel in our heart
Trying to fill the void of creation
Back to the eternity
We once held and lost.
The land has yet to burst in flame
And not a soul has yet to rise
No matter where I go
And no matter what I do
Everything is gone
Everyone wants a better look
Everyone wants to see the dead
But we live on
Pale and walking slowly
Our homes surrendered
And all the good are crying
But it is far too late.
Rot must spread
And lies must fester
Eating us all inside out
While we stare with vacant eyes
Dull and dependent
Fragile, weak, dumb and dead.
Shock and anger have long since died
And we calmly walk unto death
Without barely a whimper
Killed when too tired to fight.
Far from where we once were
The mighty republic of old
Gone on the wings of Eagles
Long since flown away
And no longer proud.
We whistle past the graveyard
While Rome burns around us
Looking the other way
While others steal what we own.
The news is twisted or omitted
Anything for political convenience
The few selling out the many
For a future we’ll never have.
The liars and the pretenders
They scheme, lie and plan
They hate us for who we are
And no one says a thing.
We all know the truth
But hated are those who speak it
The real hatred unacknowledged
But it will not go away
And God will not forget.
The ceaseless invasion comes
Stealing the future from our children
And we have no one else to blame
But the cowardice of politicians.
For a few votes or temporary victory
They put it off a little longer
But soon it will be too late
And all of them know why.
The ignore the will of people
And treat patriots with contempt
Vanity at work upon the weak minded
Like so much gasoline and fire.
The few speak loudly
And they use familiar words
But they are the ones with hate
And not the ones they accuse.
Soon this shall all pass
But that will not be the end
Because we cannot orchestrate good and evil
Not in the real world
Like they can on predictable tv.
The future is bleak
And evil has such a hold
Nothing too small to go unnoticed
And no insult is missed.
The undeserving wears the crown
And evil rules the day
Flaunting power and possessions
Over the good, oppressed and dead.
Men are robbed by the law
And others given
What they do not deserve
All in the name of justice
Mans and not from God.
They do not report the reasons for murder
And they repeat the same old lies
Ignoring the truth
They insult the wise.
Their enemy is you
And their enemy is me
Anything decent and just
What they could never defeat
They kill us with our kindness.
A murderers face on a t-shirt
And the vain on their magazines
Insulated from reality
Until its too late.
All words are twisted
And everyone is afraid
Because the truth is forbidden
And lies rule the land.
They have traded light for darkness
And evil they call good
While the good are mocked, robbed
And left for dead.
The temples of white marble
Are full of evil men
They hold us in contempt
And hate us for what we are
Seven years of deception
Seven years before the truth
Seven minus the end is the beginning
And I remember the very day.
The Spirits of the living
And the ghosts of the dead
All know the end is coming
And wait under the burdens
For the end of days is near
And Gods hands are ready.
Furlong Run 4/29/2010
It is almost summer again
And the heat slows down the time
Sitting in my gray cubicle
And frozen in changeless dreams.
So much has happened
And I have to shake myself awake
Just to know I am still alive
When I can’t feel anything at all.
The hours pass
And I keep on living
Occasionally the desperate thoughts come
I try to forget them
But I don’t know how to make it
And even breathing hurts.
I have no one to call
And they couldn’t help anyway.
No one and nothing is the truth
Some things are just too painful
And some injuries just cannot heal
And words are never enough.
It has been such a long time
But I still hear bits and pieces
Memories of those I loved
And news of those I’ve lost.
I wonder if they ever think of me
And I wonder if they can even guess
How much it has cost me
And how much potential was lost.
Whether I want to or not
I remember my former self
Now it all seems so childish
The things I said and the things I did
But I can never go back.
I look in the mirror
And I pick out my flaws
I could be so much better Than what I was.
More painful things I cannot imagine
The slow loss of living
And I take the blame
Because there is nothing else to do.
I did all I could
But I never had enough
But yet I am blamed, mocked and reminded
Like I had a choice at all.
It is easy to blame
When someone else pays
And it is easy to run
When someone bears the burden.
I tried so hard
But there was nowhere to turn
And I have nothing left
And barely a roof for my head.
No one weeps for me
And I guess I wouldn’t want them to
Because I didn’t cause this
But I know where it started
I had no groceries
And I had no medicine
And I cried and I cried.
I am mocked
And my name insulted
A swindler has stolen all I have
And I am alone
But still I must bear the shallow smiles
Like it matters at all.
Sometimes I wonder how long
How long can this go on
How long can the good be murdered
While evil men lie and steal.
How long can the good ignore
What is right before their eyes
And how long must I want
When I gave all I could.
All the laughter has gone
And the silence is more than I can bear
Killing me with its weight
In the absence of those I loved.
Is it really all my fault?
Is all this suffering because of me
Or is all suffering not equal
And only the weak of spirit worthy?
An empty house
Filled with echoes
So lonely and forgotten
As if no one ever knew
And no one ever loved.
How can I forget
And how can I go on
When more is lost
Than is recovered
And God still waits.
I walked through the old rooms
And cried out familiar names
But no child came running
And no gentle kiss welcomed me home.
I could not look at their names
Where I had penciled their heights on the door
Unable to see what kind of defect
Was too horrible to ignore
Or any kind of mistake
That could never be repaired.
She made good her threat
And I have not seen him since
Even though I loved him and raised him
My missing unexpected son
His memory killing me.
What kind of evil or deception
Could ever have such a hold
That the innocent can be punished
Ruined, murdered, and blamed.
Today I signed the papers
And the old house will soon be gone
Someone else shall paint over
My blood, prayers and soul.
Everything is gone
But my memories remain
And everything is lost
But I cannot get away.
Disjointed thought and feelings
Rush through my mind in flashes
Countless hours and searing moments
Peirce through my pained goodbye.
I prayed in every room
And I prayed on the floor
And thanked God for my family
But now I am alone
And God is silent.
I was so happy
And there was nothing I couldn’t do
And if I could do anything
Then why crush me like that.
Evil came in this house
In the back door
When no one was looking
Finding a weakness of the heart
And taking all it could.
Just a trip or two more
And everything is gone
What will I do when I leave at last
A long last look or maybe a tear
The home I never thought I’d leave.
1860 Furlong Run
It was where I once lived
I shall say it
While there is still time
Just to know that it happened
And to know it was real.
In time all this shall pass away
Yes even for the shallow
Soulless and dead
No matter how neat and clean
And no matter what it cost.
I know what it cost
And I know who paid the price
Not the one who boasts
And not the one who lies.
Is everything perfect enough?
Because soon it shall pass
Because nothing we steal
Shall ever last for long.
If you could know the future
Would you still lie and would you still kill?
So deeply deceived and misguided
Conned, swindled, and stolen away.
I am so damaged
And the pain won’t go away
And I have given up so much
That how can I ever remain.
I am almost gone
And barely acknowledged I live
An inconvenient witness
Of something too horrible to tell.
I heard and I saw
And I felt each and every thing
In small painful degrees
Everything I ever loved.
I used to go for walks
But I just can’t go anymore
Because everywhere I turn
There is always something to remind me
Painful and insulting.
I can remember the sun
And how it warmed my skin
And I can remember laughing
While walking to lunch.
But no longer am I welcome
And I have no money to pay
So I sit in my cubicle
And you look the other way.
I did not steal
And I did not lie
And I tried not to cause pain
Even when I should have.
You blame me
But you knew
That I didn’t have enough
And that it wasn’t my fault.
Just another way
To make the wounds bleed
Keeping them raw
And making them hurt.
Is there ever a consequence?
For those who lie, cheat and steal?
When they seem to go on living
With no shame at all.
I am very thirsty
But no drink soothes my tongue
And I am very hungry
But I am unsatisfied.
No possible vengeance
Could ever equal this suffering
And no mere words
Could ever make it right.
If I could be forgiven
I would finish it today
Crushing what should be crushed
Without hesitation, regret, or remorse.
You only live once
But you can always die twice
The second far worse
Than any I shall know.
Act like it never happened
Or pretend I never lived
Think that I am horrible
But I’ll smash him in the end.
The hidden will come out at last
And see the light of God
He shall judge wise and fairly
Much better than this world
And much better than you.
I told the truth
And I know that you knew it
But you chose to believe a lie
And sold yourself cheaply.
Is release from obligation so valuable?
That you can trade eternity?
And is the protection of falsehood so priceless
That you can destroy the good.
I have held back
But God will not
For he knows the swindlers heart
And he knows every lie.
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