This a group of Poems I wrote last year. My favorite is the final one entitled "dark days" written as dated.
The last man standing 2/2/2010 10:17 am.
I stood there on the corner
All alone in the cold
No one bothered to wave
And no one bothered to care.
I could hardly believe it
I could have never done it myself
Killing the good and praising the evil
Just like I knew they would.
I knew it was coming
But I prayed for it to pass
The price so high and painful
That I could barely stand.
If a word could save me
What would it be?
And is it too late to try?
If no one cares at all.
If no one remembers
Did it ever happen at all?
And if no one cares
Will it ever be remembered?
I am alone
And no one calls or asks
Beaten, bloodied, but undefeated
And just waiting for the day.
My head was lowered
And I wanted to disappear
Where no one could find me
And they couldn’t see my shame.
I had asked but the answer was no
I told the truth, but it was ignored
I tried but the money disappeared
And I suffered but it was never enough.
I cannot ask anymore
And I have no one to argue
Silence is my plea
And misery my day
Treading water just above the surface
While my life drifted downstream
Facing yet another loss
And falling backwards into nothing.
The sun rises triumphantly
And the children laugh and pretend
How I wish I could give them more
But I have nothing left
Just one more drop of me
And I am gone.
Did you try to escape?
I know that you did
Soon you shall be free
Maybe with enough time
To know for yourself.
Maybe start anew
And find where you belong
Where ever it is
It’s better than what you have
No longer lying
And no longer bound.
So you think it’s all about doing
Where you went and what you have
But you forgot who is the judge
Forgetting who makes the rules
And who will make them stick.
Lie your way in
And lie your way out
Use this person then
And use another later.
Anyone available will do
A man, woman, or child
But you were the only taker
Just as dumb as you are smart.
If you are forgiven
Then why not me
And if the thief goes on living
Then why can’t I?
My hands are held back
And all my dreams destroyed
But inside the fire still burns
Consuming them whole.
The day will come
Unless I die in the middle
The day when everything comes down
And there is nothing left to hide.
I shall have it
And I do not fear the truth
Because I am just as guilty
But I know what that means
Making amends
And paying the price
Imperfect but real.
The old has died
And my heart is new
Burning with a passion
That lies can never kill.
I am ready
So say what you will
And yes, I am willing
So take what you want.
I am waiting for something
The perfect day and the perfect place
But just because it hasn’t happened
Doesn’t mean it never will.
They can hate
And they can harass
But I hear the clock ticking
And my heart is restless
Another sleepless night
Thinking about the day.
Surely it shall happen
Without warning, promise or threat
Because it’s not from me
And its authentic guaranteed.
Dead or alive
I will be there then
The last man standing
Just like I said I would.
I shall smile in the end
Because I’ve already read it through
After all else was taken
My one savior and friend.
I shall be there
And there is nothing you can do
A little dose of truth
Just like what I’ve swallowed.
Did you think it was funny?
And did you feel like you were safe?
That no one would ever know
And no judgment would ever come.
Did you believe the lies?
Or just the biggest one of all?
And are you ready for the end?
Closer than yesterday.
The more you struggle
The more you sink
And the more you try
The more that you kill.
For me it’s almost over
And for you it hasn’t even begun
But it’s not me you must fear
But the one you haven’t followed.
I saw the coward
And I knew it from the start
And how close I came to murder
That I could almost taste the blood.
It would have been easy
And my fury satisfied
What a fool to think he could survive
Just to steal what I had left
Never knowing that he would die.
But I cannot steal the glory
And it’s not my job to judge
That is for the father
The one who hears my cries.
He knew the number of my tears
And he saw my insides bleeding
He knew the sleepless hours
And all that I lost
Waiting for a reason
One I cannot know.
The days tick by slowly
So slowly we cannot see
Thinking we have forever
When it’s closer every day.
Here I am
And here I wait
Just waiting for the day
The world turns upside down
And dissolves in the fire.
Do not think its over
Because the good die
And evil reigns
Because even if I die
I’ll be standing that day.
Forever is the word
Long after this has passed
With much more than what was lost
Forever in my heart.
Room 317
Double diamond seventeen
Everywhere I look
All the numbers seem the same
All going up or all going down
And nothing is what is seems.
I left with a little
But came home with nothing
Surviving the days
Little by little
One day at a time.
I waited in the cold
So no one would know the time
Not for me but for others
All agreed in warmer climes.
The flight number added
And the seat number the same
The belt with my bags
All equaled seventeen.
The number kept coming
And its numerals switching place
Some kind of coincidence
All equaling the same.
I scribbled down some phrases
On the provided hotel room pad
Just a few before I forgot
In the fog of a sleepless night.
More has been considered
Then I’ll ever write down
And more has been thought
Then anyone can read.
So much more is the difference
Between the sum, average and code
Then even the clever or the rude
Can ever know or classify.
I am just a riddle
Just a secret in a shell
But they do not know me
And I know they never will.
Sleep comes slowly
But peaceful is the rest
Just another bed
And just another town.
The streets are busy
But I exchange a look or two
Familiar faces
That I have never seen before.
Seventeen lines
And seventeen words
Each letter a number
And each number a clue.
If you can’t figure it out
Then you are not looking
And if you think enough to ask
You already know.
It is there
Hidden in the plainest sight
The secrets and the future
All I ever needed to know.
The exact time, date, and place
The names, ages, and fates
Exactly as it was written
And exactly as it was planned.
I am a part
Just like you and the lost
Each one a part
And each one a chance.
For you if you read this
Maybe a place and a time
Before or after
Never to know until the end.
Looking backwards
Everything will make sense
Revealed to shock and horror
The warnings they never saw.
In plainest view it is written
But not everyone can see
It glimpses, dreams, and words
The truth is not as it seems.
Double diamond seventeen
A simple abstraction of space
Never before did I ever notice
What it meant before the end.
Something bigger and more profound
The past exactly repeated
Nothing hidden
But we keep on guessing
And doubting the truth.
The dating game 2/2/2010
Some kind of strange thought
Brings me to a different place
Somewhere not so dark
And somewhere not so dim.
A thought, sound, or a smell
And I am back once more
Back to a past once forgotten
But yet still there.
A world full of possibilities
Each life nuanced with love
Different people compatible or not
More than one perfect
And more than one flawed.
Of all the possibilities
Only one was me
So fatally scared by birth
Not much to choose at all.
The words were awkward
And I never felt sure
Still the same now as always
A little bit reserved and remote.
I was a daydreamer
Lost in impenetrable thoughts
And to think I was so stupid
That I could never hurt.
I never counted cigarettes
And I never counted drinks
Because I was always ahead
And I didn’t care at all.
I didn’t think they could understand
But it was my loss instead
Not bothering to really listen
To the passions that they once held.
I am not the only one
So why did I think that
Closely surveying every eye
But not knowing their heart.
It took such a long time
For me to know myself
But I cannot guess for others
What I never sought to find.
People pass by
And moments slip away
Because I never really lived them
Or allowed my heart to hear.
I had everything
But knew nothing
And I smashed everything
And carried nothing away.
I thought I was full of life
But my fangs were harmless
All my defenses wasted
For a life I never lived.
Like a lamb to the slaughter
I willingly went along
Never guarding the back door
Because the front was closely guarded.
Along came love
But I never saw it coming
Alone at last
Now I know the truth.
The truth is hard to bear
And a vacant heart knows no rest
Unable to breathe
It withers and dies.
I am less than nothing
And all my plans evaporate
Like a puff a smoke
And her easy laughter
Gone before I could even know why.
I manage a laugh
At my own words of waste
At my own foolish pride
Gone away and happy.
I wonder if maybe its better
Maybe I spared some a bitter split
When they got to know me
And what a man I was.
But I did not spare my pain
For I’ve felt it every day
Bleeding me pale as a ghost
And writhing in every pang.
Small talk is for kids
Who have all the time in the world
And I’ve grown old wasting
Whatever time I had.
Go away girl
But don’t hurt me on the way
Life is too short for just a joke
And I’m too weak to fight.
I sat there just watching
And for the first time I knew
That everything was wasted
And I was almost done.
If I could say something witty
Maybe it could save the night
But now the words escape
And all I want is sleep.
My love doesn’t matter
Because by the time I found it
There was no one to know
And by the time I understood
All I could feel was pain.
My tears have welled and fallen
And my memories I can only dread
Please run while you still can
Because it’s no use to build a life
With someone who’s dead.
A state of fear 2/2/2010 1:17 pm
I remember the night
And I didn’t start a thing
Just dropping off my son
The one I never knew I’d have.
There he was the freakish cause
An out of place intruder
Going where he shouldn’t have been
Unable to be alone
He had to move right over
How weird and how needy.
He made a strange wave
An unnecessary gesture
But expected none the less
And all I did was call and ask
Whatever was his problem.
I said goodbye and gave what I had
I should have known right then
That soon I’d lose my son
The one I loved without any rights
Just a matter of time.
He came out walking
A strange and awkward fraud
Giving no ground I told him to stop
But all he did was lie again.
He was so repulsive and inept
He words inappropriate and weak
How I remembered how it felt
The creeps running up my spine.
Coming up behind me
To give me a massage
Just like my wife once did
The one he wanted to steal.
He would have taken me
Because he didn’t know love
He only wanted an escape
And one with a job.
“You can put your head on my shoulder”
He said on the bus
How it gave me the creeps
But for him it was the norm
So I never said a word.
Now the strangeness has a pattern
Anything to get what he wanted
More money and more things
More vacations and more shallow dreams.
I didn’t know how to act
That night I found the message
So foreign and childlike
Bizarre and unreal.
How could something so great
Be taken by something so small?
And how could someone so smart
Be fooled by someone so shallow?
Like those killed by an earthquake
Shock and puzzlement on their faces
I stood there at such a sight
Half a man and half a person
All dressed up to steal.
He lied again
And I offered
Ready to do what I must
But I already knew what he wanted
Just what I wanted to do.
He would leave but always come back
But I never gave an inch
I asked for him to start
Just so I could finish.
He wanted me to strike him
But that was not what I wanted
For I could never strike without killing
And no doubt he didn’t understand.
I was ready
For how could I feel remorse
For such a aberration
I had never seen
Such a horrible creeping lie.
I tried to make myself do it
Oh how I wanted to crush
Not for revenge and not to steal
But just to punish and remove.
If God could forgive others
Then why not me?
And if others could ruin my life
Then why couldn’t I finish theirs.
I rushed forward and I knew what to do
So much better, it wouldn’t even be close
Gorging on blood and stopping his mouth
Taking out his eyes and crushing through the neck.
Yes it would have been easy
But what a fool I beheld
As if he could survive and call me crazy
When we all know who is.
I stopped at the last second
Before my hands ripped the flesh
A stupid weak look is all he had
Bracing for what he wanted.
I have seen some stupid people
But never have I seen such a fool
Gambling with lives to get what he wanted
And just about to lose his own.
Fear has a place
And I can see it deep within
But its not me that he should fear
Because what is coming is worse.
God let me just observe
Let me see the day and the place
Let me stand again but not alone
Bring down your hand against this mocker
For he isn’t the first who would usurp
And he isn’t the first to lie.
Here’s to blood in your mouth
And death in your eyes
Because that’s whats coming
But not just from memory
But all the way to hell.
Dark Days 2/2/2010 2:00 pm
I came across dark days
Struck down in the middle
And there is no going back
Mortally wounded
But still alive to see
All that I ever wanted
Turned and stolen from me.
I have waited for so very long
Some days patient and some days not
I have prayed but heard no answer
And I have cried but had no shoulder.
My world grew darker
And I tried so hard to forget
But I could never drink enough
And I could never really sleep.
My thoughts raced forward
And all I saw was loss
While my all hopes crumbled
Piece by piece and person by person.
“Was it not enough!” I cried out
But silence was all I heard
As less and less I saw them
All the people that I loved.
Does true love steal?
And how can it ever lie?
After all I didn’t need to make up
The things I did before.
Had I made mistakes?
God knows that I have
But did it qualify for this loss?
And can this death be just?
Can my world get any blacker?
And will this night ever end?
While God keeps his silence
And I restlessly wait.
I know my mistakes
How could I ever forget
Back in the prison I put myself
The one I built with my hands.
No one understands
And no one knows this hurt
The kind that won’t let you go
And all you can do is cry.
I picked up the couch with just one hand
And threw it back down again
And I broke the glass on the patio
Smashing the soldiers on the cement.
The drugs didn’t help
And the booze didn’t either
Just a black mask to cover the pain
But they never worked for long.
More and more I tired
But nothing was ever enough
Food lost its taste
And I was almost dead.
I looked in the mirror
And I was just a ghost
My fire gone out
And my words slurred and angry.
I was ready to die
And nothing else mattered
I searched for a reason to live
But found less and less.
I thought about calling
But what could anyone do
When it’s easier killing yourself
Than bringing anyone down.
My clothes didn’t fit
Because I couldn’t eat
And I thought about the end
And I knew I was done.
I felt so fucking sorry
But didn’t know what I had done
Like somehow all this happened
Because of some flaw or fault.
Once I consumed all I saw
And once I carried all before me
Hurtling myself as fast as I could
And breaking everything in the way.
I was immortal
And I could never hurt
A safe and rocky tower
Never knowing the end.
But somehow something happened
And somehow evil got in
Stabbing me through the heart
And then with just a little sting
I was dead.
All was lost before my eyes
Every single member of my life
Little by little torn away
Just for greed and just to hurt.
I lived my life at full throttle speed
But now it slowed to a halt
And my engine burst and died
All my money and all my options
Gone in a moment
And gone forever.
Then just when I needed it most
All decency was abandoned
And the final blow delivered
Too weak to respond
I had to die again.
It’s useless to ask for pity
And it’s foolish to waste away
But I had run out of ideas
And no one could care.
Deep down we know
And it’s not a big surprise
But when it happens
We act shocked
And run the other way.
I drank and I drugged
And I loved and destroyed
Lost without a hope
And dead without a fight.
Dark days may end
But I can’t see it yet
Better to live and be happy
Than dread what never comes.
If I could go back
I don’t know what I would do
Because there are no easy answers
And I still don’t know what love is.
Please don’t think you need an answer
Because you shouldn’t waste your time
But rather enjoy the present
And love it with all your heart.
I stood there on the corner
All alone in the cold
No one bothered to wave
And no one bothered to care.
I could hardly believe it
I could have never done it myself
Killing the good and praising the evil
Just like I knew they would.
I knew it was coming
But I prayed for it to pass
The price so high and painful
That I could barely stand.
If a word could save me
What would it be?
And is it too late to try?
If no one cares at all.
If no one remembers
Did it ever happen at all?
And if no one cares
Will it ever be remembered?
I am alone
And no one calls or asks
Beaten, bloodied, but undefeated
And just waiting for the day.
My head was lowered
And I wanted to disappear
Where no one could find me
And they couldn’t see my shame.
I had asked but the answer was no
I told the truth, but it was ignored
I tried but the money disappeared
And I suffered but it was never enough.
I cannot ask anymore
And I have no one to argue
Silence is my plea
And misery my day
Treading water just above the surface
While my life drifted downstream
Facing yet another loss
And falling backwards into nothing.
The sun rises triumphantly
And the children laugh and pretend
How I wish I could give them more
But I have nothing left
Just one more drop of me
And I am gone.
Did you try to escape?
I know that you did
Soon you shall be free
Maybe with enough time
To know for yourself.
Maybe start anew
And find where you belong
Where ever it is
It’s better than what you have
No longer lying
And no longer bound.
So you think it’s all about doing
Where you went and what you have
But you forgot who is the judge
Forgetting who makes the rules
And who will make them stick.
Lie your way in
And lie your way out
Use this person then
And use another later.
Anyone available will do
A man, woman, or child
But you were the only taker
Just as dumb as you are smart.
If you are forgiven
Then why not me
And if the thief goes on living
Then why can’t I?
My hands are held back
And all my dreams destroyed
But inside the fire still burns
Consuming them whole.
The day will come
Unless I die in the middle
The day when everything comes down
And there is nothing left to hide.
I shall have it
And I do not fear the truth
Because I am just as guilty
But I know what that means
Making amends
And paying the price
Imperfect but real.
The old has died
And my heart is new
Burning with a passion
That lies can never kill.
I am ready
So say what you will
And yes, I am willing
So take what you want.
I am waiting for something
The perfect day and the perfect place
But just because it hasn’t happened
Doesn’t mean it never will.
They can hate
And they can harass
But I hear the clock ticking
And my heart is restless
Another sleepless night
Thinking about the day.
Surely it shall happen
Without warning, promise or threat
Because it’s not from me
And its authentic guaranteed.
Dead or alive
I will be there then
The last man standing
Just like I said I would.
I shall smile in the end
Because I’ve already read it through
After all else was taken
My one savior and friend.
I shall be there
And there is nothing you can do
A little dose of truth
Just like what I’ve swallowed.
Did you think it was funny?
And did you feel like you were safe?
That no one would ever know
And no judgment would ever come.
Did you believe the lies?
Or just the biggest one of all?
And are you ready for the end?
Closer than yesterday.
The more you struggle
The more you sink
And the more you try
The more that you kill.
For me it’s almost over
And for you it hasn’t even begun
But it’s not me you must fear
But the one you haven’t followed.
I saw the coward
And I knew it from the start
And how close I came to murder
That I could almost taste the blood.
It would have been easy
And my fury satisfied
What a fool to think he could survive
Just to steal what I had left
Never knowing that he would die.
But I cannot steal the glory
And it’s not my job to judge
That is for the father
The one who hears my cries.
He knew the number of my tears
And he saw my insides bleeding
He knew the sleepless hours
And all that I lost
Waiting for a reason
One I cannot know.
The days tick by slowly
So slowly we cannot see
Thinking we have forever
When it’s closer every day.
Here I am
And here I wait
Just waiting for the day
The world turns upside down
And dissolves in the fire.
Do not think its over
Because the good die
And evil reigns
Because even if I die
I’ll be standing that day.
Forever is the word
Long after this has passed
With much more than what was lost
Forever in my heart.
Room 317
Double diamond seventeen
Everywhere I look
All the numbers seem the same
All going up or all going down
And nothing is what is seems.
I left with a little
But came home with nothing
Surviving the days
Little by little
One day at a time.
I waited in the cold
So no one would know the time
Not for me but for others
All agreed in warmer climes.
The flight number added
And the seat number the same
The belt with my bags
All equaled seventeen.
The number kept coming
And its numerals switching place
Some kind of coincidence
All equaling the same.
I scribbled down some phrases
On the provided hotel room pad
Just a few before I forgot
In the fog of a sleepless night.
More has been considered
Then I’ll ever write down
And more has been thought
Then anyone can read.
So much more is the difference
Between the sum, average and code
Then even the clever or the rude
Can ever know or classify.
I am just a riddle
Just a secret in a shell
But they do not know me
And I know they never will.
Sleep comes slowly
But peaceful is the rest
Just another bed
And just another town.
The streets are busy
But I exchange a look or two
Familiar faces
That I have never seen before.
Seventeen lines
And seventeen words
Each letter a number
And each number a clue.
If you can’t figure it out
Then you are not looking
And if you think enough to ask
You already know.
It is there
Hidden in the plainest sight
The secrets and the future
All I ever needed to know.
The exact time, date, and place
The names, ages, and fates
Exactly as it was written
And exactly as it was planned.
I am a part
Just like you and the lost
Each one a part
And each one a chance.
For you if you read this
Maybe a place and a time
Before or after
Never to know until the end.
Looking backwards
Everything will make sense
Revealed to shock and horror
The warnings they never saw.
In plainest view it is written
But not everyone can see
It glimpses, dreams, and words
The truth is not as it seems.
Double diamond seventeen
A simple abstraction of space
Never before did I ever notice
What it meant before the end.
Something bigger and more profound
The past exactly repeated
Nothing hidden
But we keep on guessing
And doubting the truth.
The dating game 2/2/2010
Some kind of strange thought
Brings me to a different place
Somewhere not so dark
And somewhere not so dim.
A thought, sound, or a smell
And I am back once more
Back to a past once forgotten
But yet still there.
A world full of possibilities
Each life nuanced with love
Different people compatible or not
More than one perfect
And more than one flawed.
Of all the possibilities
Only one was me
So fatally scared by birth
Not much to choose at all.
The words were awkward
And I never felt sure
Still the same now as always
A little bit reserved and remote.
I was a daydreamer
Lost in impenetrable thoughts
And to think I was so stupid
That I could never hurt.
I never counted cigarettes
And I never counted drinks
Because I was always ahead
And I didn’t care at all.
I didn’t think they could understand
But it was my loss instead
Not bothering to really listen
To the passions that they once held.
I am not the only one
So why did I think that
Closely surveying every eye
But not knowing their heart.
It took such a long time
For me to know myself
But I cannot guess for others
What I never sought to find.
People pass by
And moments slip away
Because I never really lived them
Or allowed my heart to hear.
I had everything
But knew nothing
And I smashed everything
And carried nothing away.
I thought I was full of life
But my fangs were harmless
All my defenses wasted
For a life I never lived.
Like a lamb to the slaughter
I willingly went along
Never guarding the back door
Because the front was closely guarded.
Along came love
But I never saw it coming
Alone at last
Now I know the truth.
The truth is hard to bear
And a vacant heart knows no rest
Unable to breathe
It withers and dies.
I am less than nothing
And all my plans evaporate
Like a puff a smoke
And her easy laughter
Gone before I could even know why.
I manage a laugh
At my own words of waste
At my own foolish pride
Gone away and happy.
I wonder if maybe its better
Maybe I spared some a bitter split
When they got to know me
And what a man I was.
But I did not spare my pain
For I’ve felt it every day
Bleeding me pale as a ghost
And writhing in every pang.
Small talk is for kids
Who have all the time in the world
And I’ve grown old wasting
Whatever time I had.
Go away girl
But don’t hurt me on the way
Life is too short for just a joke
And I’m too weak to fight.
I sat there just watching
And for the first time I knew
That everything was wasted
And I was almost done.
If I could say something witty
Maybe it could save the night
But now the words escape
And all I want is sleep.
My love doesn’t matter
Because by the time I found it
There was no one to know
And by the time I understood
All I could feel was pain.
My tears have welled and fallen
And my memories I can only dread
Please run while you still can
Because it’s no use to build a life
With someone who’s dead.
A state of fear 2/2/2010 1:17 pm
I remember the night
And I didn’t start a thing
Just dropping off my son
The one I never knew I’d have.
There he was the freakish cause
An out of place intruder
Going where he shouldn’t have been
Unable to be alone
He had to move right over
How weird and how needy.
He made a strange wave
An unnecessary gesture
But expected none the less
And all I did was call and ask
Whatever was his problem.
I said goodbye and gave what I had
I should have known right then
That soon I’d lose my son
The one I loved without any rights
Just a matter of time.
He came out walking
A strange and awkward fraud
Giving no ground I told him to stop
But all he did was lie again.
He was so repulsive and inept
He words inappropriate and weak
How I remembered how it felt
The creeps running up my spine.
Coming up behind me
To give me a massage
Just like my wife once did
The one he wanted to steal.
He would have taken me
Because he didn’t know love
He only wanted an escape
And one with a job.
“You can put your head on my shoulder”
He said on the bus
How it gave me the creeps
But for him it was the norm
So I never said a word.
Now the strangeness has a pattern
Anything to get what he wanted
More money and more things
More vacations and more shallow dreams.
I didn’t know how to act
That night I found the message
So foreign and childlike
Bizarre and unreal.
How could something so great
Be taken by something so small?
And how could someone so smart
Be fooled by someone so shallow?
Like those killed by an earthquake
Shock and puzzlement on their faces
I stood there at such a sight
Half a man and half a person
All dressed up to steal.
He lied again
And I offered
Ready to do what I must
But I already knew what he wanted
Just what I wanted to do.
He would leave but always come back
But I never gave an inch
I asked for him to start
Just so I could finish.
He wanted me to strike him
But that was not what I wanted
For I could never strike without killing
And no doubt he didn’t understand.
I was ready
For how could I feel remorse
For such a aberration
I had never seen
Such a horrible creeping lie.
I tried to make myself do it
Oh how I wanted to crush
Not for revenge and not to steal
But just to punish and remove.
If God could forgive others
Then why not me?
And if others could ruin my life
Then why couldn’t I finish theirs.
I rushed forward and I knew what to do
So much better, it wouldn’t even be close
Gorging on blood and stopping his mouth
Taking out his eyes and crushing through the neck.
Yes it would have been easy
But what a fool I beheld
As if he could survive and call me crazy
When we all know who is.
I stopped at the last second
Before my hands ripped the flesh
A stupid weak look is all he had
Bracing for what he wanted.
I have seen some stupid people
But never have I seen such a fool
Gambling with lives to get what he wanted
And just about to lose his own.
Fear has a place
And I can see it deep within
But its not me that he should fear
Because what is coming is worse.
God let me just observe
Let me see the day and the place
Let me stand again but not alone
Bring down your hand against this mocker
For he isn’t the first who would usurp
And he isn’t the first to lie.
Here’s to blood in your mouth
And death in your eyes
Because that’s whats coming
But not just from memory
But all the way to hell.
Dark Days 2/2/2010 2:00 pm
I came across dark days
Struck down in the middle
And there is no going back
Mortally wounded
But still alive to see
All that I ever wanted
Turned and stolen from me.
I have waited for so very long
Some days patient and some days not
I have prayed but heard no answer
And I have cried but had no shoulder.
My world grew darker
And I tried so hard to forget
But I could never drink enough
And I could never really sleep.
My thoughts raced forward
And all I saw was loss
While my all hopes crumbled
Piece by piece and person by person.
“Was it not enough!” I cried out
But silence was all I heard
As less and less I saw them
All the people that I loved.
Does true love steal?
And how can it ever lie?
After all I didn’t need to make up
The things I did before.
Had I made mistakes?
God knows that I have
But did it qualify for this loss?
And can this death be just?
Can my world get any blacker?
And will this night ever end?
While God keeps his silence
And I restlessly wait.
I know my mistakes
How could I ever forget
Back in the prison I put myself
The one I built with my hands.
No one understands
And no one knows this hurt
The kind that won’t let you go
And all you can do is cry.
I picked up the couch with just one hand
And threw it back down again
And I broke the glass on the patio
Smashing the soldiers on the cement.
The drugs didn’t help
And the booze didn’t either
Just a black mask to cover the pain
But they never worked for long.
More and more I tired
But nothing was ever enough
Food lost its taste
And I was almost dead.
I looked in the mirror
And I was just a ghost
My fire gone out
And my words slurred and angry.
I was ready to die
And nothing else mattered
I searched for a reason to live
But found less and less.
I thought about calling
But what could anyone do
When it’s easier killing yourself
Than bringing anyone down.
My clothes didn’t fit
Because I couldn’t eat
And I thought about the end
And I knew I was done.
I felt so fucking sorry
But didn’t know what I had done
Like somehow all this happened
Because of some flaw or fault.
Once I consumed all I saw
And once I carried all before me
Hurtling myself as fast as I could
And breaking everything in the way.
I was immortal
And I could never hurt
A safe and rocky tower
Never knowing the end.
But somehow something happened
And somehow evil got in
Stabbing me through the heart
And then with just a little sting
I was dead.
All was lost before my eyes
Every single member of my life
Little by little torn away
Just for greed and just to hurt.
I lived my life at full throttle speed
But now it slowed to a halt
And my engine burst and died
All my money and all my options
Gone in a moment
And gone forever.
Then just when I needed it most
All decency was abandoned
And the final blow delivered
Too weak to respond
I had to die again.
It’s useless to ask for pity
And it’s foolish to waste away
But I had run out of ideas
And no one could care.
Deep down we know
And it’s not a big surprise
But when it happens
We act shocked
And run the other way.
I drank and I drugged
And I loved and destroyed
Lost without a hope
And dead without a fight.
Dark days may end
But I can’t see it yet
Better to live and be happy
Than dread what never comes.
If I could go back
I don’t know what I would do
Because there are no easy answers
And I still don’t know what love is.
Please don’t think you need an answer
Because you shouldn’t waste your time
But rather enjoy the present
And love it with all your heart.
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