Seven Years Ghost

Seven Years Ghost 12/5/2011

I had to give away the past
Even though it hurt
Seven years of waiting
For a seven years ghost
Walking in circles backwards
To try and turn back the clock.

I finally donated the clothes
And I finally sold the bed
Even though I wanted to keep it
Just like she saw it last.

I was so happy
And I thought we had forever
But some things are just too perfect to last
And too beautiful to hold.

I still dream of the past
So vivid and real
And I want to them to be true
To wake up in a different world
Where everyone and everything
Is as beautiful as the beginning.

A world where we never lose
The joy in our heart
And every single moment
Is full of generosity
And kindness.

Where even the quiet moments
Are like heaven
As I lay awake and listen
To the sound of her breathing.

A world where there is no emptiness
And no hole in my heart
With someone who understands
And knows.

I would do anything
To relive all the days
To repair all the damage
And be a better man.

You can be chained to the present
Or you can be chained to the past
Because the future is something we avoid
Pitiless and foreboding.

We are all prisoners of something
And none of us our free
Pacing backwards in our minds
Or dreaming pointless dreams.

I still don’t know which is better
To hold on
Or just to let go
And no one ever returns
To tell us for sure.

The dead spin is over
And I have started over again
A new beginning
And a second chance.

I am happy
But I’ll never be the same
Marked for lie
And permanently scarred.

I have shaved my beard
Because she wants it that way
What was once blondish red
Turned prematurely gray
All the color gone
And faded away.

Maybe she thinks I need a change
Or that I need to forget.
Because I was feeling tired
And older than I am

Always looking backwards can make you sick
And regret will steal every smile
Robbing you of every joy
Killing you every day.

I have a new family
And I love my baby very much
But he deserves better than me
And all the blackness that follows.

I try to imagine new dreams
But I’ve lived enough to know
That nothing lasts forever
And everything falls apart.

I started writing in the lonely hours
In the middle of the night
With a whiskey in my hand
But it took seven years
For me to know
And for me to share.

I send these words out
And let them crawl
In unknown directions
To whoever may read
And whoever may know.

Our daughter has her eyes
And now she is eleven
The little girl I love
The only thing that remains
Of the love I won
And lost.

The future is a mystery
And I’ll never be the same
But I will make the best of it
No matter what it takes
And no matter who knows.