Wrecked
If you have given up
Then you are already dead
And if you have failed to try
Then you were never born.
I too have been wasted
And I too have been lost
But those who live, will make mistakes
And those who don’t
Never will.
If you have been wrong and know it
Then you have made the grade
But if you only deny
Then you will never grow.
If you are full of life
Then death has no power
And if your spirit is strong
Nothing can hold you back.
I have ran as fast as I can
And I have laughed with wild abandon
Immersing myself in the fruit of my youth
And wrecking everything I saw.
I have fallen
And I have been hurt
Head over heels
To bleed in seven places
But still getting up
And laughing all the way.
I loved with all my strength
And I lived out
My wildest whims
Living for the glorious moments
To justify what comes between.
But if you want the highs
You must live with the lows
Because no two days are the same
And they can never be
Reproduced.
You can’t see life coming
So you had better hold on
Coming at you from all directions
Without thought or emotion.
It is a blind curve
Or a knife in the back
In the middle of the day
Or the dead of the night
Either way
An unexpected horror.
Either for the good
Or for the bad
It comes for the longest time
And then explodes in our lap.
We wait and we watch
And think we are immune
But time keeps on running
Faster and faster.
But for the smallest of fractions
Everything would be different
And we would remain
Just like we always were.
But I have not
And so I weep
So alone in this crowded room
Untouchable and remote.
I long for that feeling
That promise of the future
Of all we were
All we had
And ever hoped to be.
I shall take the lows
And face them down laughing
Remembering the good
And holding it tightly.
The fire will never die
And my spirit will not be crushed
More than this world can hold
Just as fleeting as it is immortal.
But all we can do
Is hold on
And love those around us
With all we have left.
Do not let the night pass
Unnoticed and unlived
But instead truly know
And truly feel.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
The Blood Harvest, The Shadowlands and Furlong Run
The Blood Harvest 4/27/2010
Just as the ripple spreads outward
Reaching every edge of the pond
So must one thing lead to another
Each and every decision
Guided by the last.
Imperceptible moments of decision pass
For God does not act
Without giving us a chance
No hole too deep
For us to dig out of
Before the earth swallows the dead.
The silent clouds pass
Across the many still hours lived
Straining to see backwards
Through awkward painful dreams.
Captured and lost
Stilted and dead.
We make our own decisions
But our course is confined by events
Funneled one way or another
By the constraints of weakness and pride.
We look back in anger
And we lash out in all directions
Without seeing the end
And where it all began.
Rot spreads like a cancer
But we must know from where it grows
Because it cannot spread until it starts
And we must know the cause
Before we kill it dead.
The weight of time
And the burden of memory
It has become too heavy
Too heavy for me to lift.
And I am just worn out from the fight
And training myself not to care.
I can see where it started
Evil came in but not uninvited
Preying upon unseen weaknesses
Little by little and inch by inch.
How many have been misguided
And how many good things aborted
If only we had seen it coming
So much could have been done.
Outside there are the lions
Back and forth they pace and turn
Waiting for an opening
To kill and devour.
The greater the gift
The more they are threatened
And the more they must deceive
Finding a way to slip through our defensives
And thrust a knife in our heart.
I was left alone with the memories
I was the one who kept them all
No escape to new surroundings
And no one to help at all.
I tried to hold on
But it wasn’t about me
Never able to shake the past
And never able to buy another.
I could not stop the inevitable
And I can’t create what isn’t there
Hoping against hope
For a way to manage
But just for a piece of time.
I made it as long as I could
But no one can wait forever
I had to give it over
What was never mine to keep.
Now my world is silent
I guess because I have lost
Nothing much left worth taking
The damage now done
And I am alone.
All that I loved is gone
And the journey is back to zero
Every day with just enough strength to carry
The debts of a distant past.
Everywhere I walk
And everywhere I sit
I am always reminded
Of all that I was
And all that I lost.
Standing at the bus stop
Or sitting on a bench
I see and hear bits and pieces
The buzz of a life
That I once lived.
I am hanging on
Just barely at the edge of existence
Not really respectable
And just above disaster.
I watch as others laugh
For me the laughter has died
I exist but for one reason
Those who I must raise.
The pain is great
But the insult is worse
Going it alone disgraced
With the debts of unequal burdens
Coming after me every morning
And taking all I have.
There is so much I know
But even strangers
Always see the same
No way everyone could be wrong
True at first light
Just like everyone knew
And just like I said.
You call evil good
And good you call evil
But the truth is bigger than us
And we will have to answer
For each and every lie.
I took the blame
Because my options were gone
But I am not the one to blame
And it’s not all my problem
Because we know where it started
And I know where it ends.
The train has left the station
And the seed lies dead in the ground
The rains shall come
And the sun shall rise
All in the due course of time.
Tomorrow is silent
And today is almost over
Another incremental day
And another pain in my chest.
A truth has dawned
And it is self evident
It’s not all about me
And it never was
Because it was all about you
And it all came from a lie.
In time, I’ll have mine
And you’ll get yours
Because the good only die once
But some shall die twice
A long delayed harvest
From the seeds already sowed.
The seeds come from a lie
And it is all about money, ease and comfort
All about running away
And all about childish dreams
Dumb and shallow
Greedy and dead.
Some people have nothing inside
Nothing to share and nothing to give
So they seek outward
To fill their vacant souls.
Always asking
To find out what others think
And to find out what they want
But giving just to get
And loving just to steal.
Someday harvest will come
Yes sure as the sun
To each as their true motives show
And to each as they’ve sown.
The Shadowlands 4/28/2010
Above me the storm clouds gather
Full of fury gray, green, and black
Unexpectedly cold and windy
But not because we didn’t know
Because we were warned
But never believed.
In the shadowlands
All words are choked with dust
And the earth is baked and cracked
Except for in the winters
Of blowing snow and black ice.
The old places still stand
But time has made the bones brittle
Crumbling into dust before our eyes
Vanishing and never to return.
The battles have been fought
And an uneasy peace has settled
Restless sounds across the wheat
As dark clouds start to gather.
I was there in the sun
And I felt its warmth on my head
Running backwards through my mind
To a place I once knew.
The old wood is rotting
An American gothic land of despair
Lonely as the dead across the distances
Bleached, cracked, and pitted.
A swirling funnel cloud
Churns up earth and dust
Scattering tumbleweeds far afield
Timeless destruction and hesitant rebirth
Desperate as it always was.
My face is ashen and smeared with blood
I am not the man that I once was
Beaten by unseen hands
And stabbed from behind.
I still stand
But I am not proud
And I still dream
But my plans have shrunk.
All the things that I knew
Are gone
Vanished and unfamiliar
As we gaze across a landscape
Of incalculable loss.
The price of neglect
And the wages of convenience
All abandoned to the ravages of fate
And surrendered inch by inch.
A matter of perspective
Is what some might say
The quiet longing we feel in our heart
Trying to fill the void of creation
Back to the eternity
We once held and lost.
The land has yet to burst in flame
And not a soul has yet to rise
No matter where I go
And no matter what I do
Everything is gone
Everyone wants a better look
Everyone wants to see the dead
But we live on
Pale and walking slowly
Our homes surrendered
And all the good are crying
But it is far too late.
Rot must spread
And lies must fester
Eating us all inside out
While we stare with vacant eyes
Dull and dependent
Fragile, weak, dumb and dead.
Shock and anger have long since died
And we calmly walk unto death
Without barely a whimper
Killed when too tired to fight.
Far from where we once were
The mighty republic of old
Gone on the wings of Eagles
Long since flown away
And no longer proud.
We whistle past the graveyard
While Rome burns around us
Looking the other way
While others steal what we own.
The news is twisted or omitted
Anything for political convenience
The few selling out the many
For a future we’ll never have.
The liars and the pretenders
They scheme, lie and plan
They hate us for who we are
And no one says a thing.
We all know the truth
But hated are those who speak it
The real hatred unacknowledged
But it will not go away
And God will not forget.
The ceaseless invasion comes
Stealing the future from our children
And we have no one else to blame
But the cowardice of politicians.
For a few votes or temporary victory
They put it off a little longer
But soon it will be too late
And all of them know why.
The ignore the will of people
And treat patriots with contempt
Vanity at work upon the weak minded
Like so much gasoline and fire.
The few speak loudly
And they use familiar words
But they are the ones with hate
And not the ones they accuse.
Soon this shall all pass
But that will not be the end
Because we cannot orchestrate good and evil
Not in the real world
Like they can on predictable tv.
The future is bleak
And evil has such a hold
Nothing too small to go unnoticed
And no insult is missed.
The undeserving wears the crown
And evil rules the day
Flaunting power and possessions
Over the good, oppressed and dead.
Men are robbed by the law
And others given
What they do not deserve
All in the name of justice
Mans and not from God.
They do not report the reasons for murder
And they repeat the same old lies
Ignoring the truth
They insult the wise.
Their enemy is you
And their enemy is me
Anything decent and just
What they could never defeat
They kill us with our kindness.
A murderers face on a t-shirt
And the vain on their magazines
Insulated from reality
Until its too late.
All words are twisted
And everyone is afraid
Because the truth is forbidden
And lies rule the land.
They have traded light for darkness
And evil they call good
While the good are mocked, robbed
And left for dead.
The temples of white marble
Are full of evil men
They hold us in contempt
And hate us for what we are
Seven years of deception
Seven years before the truth
Seven minus the end is the beginning
And I remember the very day.
The Spirits of the living
And the ghosts of the dead
All know the end is coming
And wait under the burdens
For the end of days is near
And Gods hands are ready.
Furlong Run 4/29/2010
It is almost summer again
And the heat slows down the time
Sitting in my gray cubicle
And frozen in changeless dreams.
So much has happened
And I have to shake myself awake
Just to know I am still alive
When I can’t feel anything at all.
The hours pass
And I keep on living
Occasionally the desperate thoughts come
I try to forget them
But I don’t know how to make it
And even breathing hurts.
I have no one to call
And they couldn’t help anyway.
No one and nothing is the truth
Some things are just too painful
And some injuries just cannot heal
And words are never enough.
It has been such a long time
But I still hear bits and pieces
Memories of those I loved
And news of those I’ve lost.
I wonder if they ever think of me
And I wonder if they can even guess
How much it has cost me
And how much potential was lost.
Whether I want to or not
I remember my former self
Now it all seems so childish
The things I said and the things I did
But I can never go back.
I look in the mirror
And I pick out my flaws
I could be so much better Than what I was.
More painful things I cannot imagine
The slow loss of living
And I take the blame
Because there is nothing else to do.
I did all I could
But I never had enough
But yet I am blamed, mocked and reminded
Like I had a choice at all.
It is easy to blame
When someone else pays
And it is easy to run
When someone bears the burden.
I tried so hard
But there was nowhere to turn
And I have nothing left
And barely a roof for my head.
No one weeps for me
And I guess I wouldn’t want them to
Because I didn’t cause this
But I know where it started
I had no groceries
And I had no medicine
And I cried and I cried.
I am mocked
And my name insulted
A swindler has stolen all I have
And I am alone
But still I must bear the shallow smiles
Like it matters at all.
Sometimes I wonder how long
How long can this go on
How long can the good be murdered
While evil men lie and steal.
How long can the good ignore
What is right before their eyes
And how long must I want
When I gave all I could.
All the laughter has gone
And the silence is more than I can bear
Killing me with its weight
In the absence of those I loved.
Is it really all my fault?
Is all this suffering because of me
Or is all suffering not equal
And only the weak of spirit worthy?
An empty house
Filled with echoes
So lonely and forgotten
As if no one ever knew
And no one ever loved.
How can I forget
And how can I go on
When more is lost
Than is recovered
And God still waits.
I walked through the old rooms
And cried out familiar names
But no child came running
And no gentle kiss welcomed me home.
I could not look at their names
Where I had penciled their heights on the door
Unable to see what kind of defect
Was too horrible to ignore
Or any kind of mistake
That could never be repaired.
She made good her threat
And I have not seen him since
Even though I loved him and raised him
My missing unexpected son
His memory killing me.
What kind of evil or deception
Could ever have such a hold
That the innocent can be punished
Ruined, murdered, and blamed.
Today I signed the papers
And the old house will soon be gone
Someone else shall paint over
My blood, prayers and soul.
Everything is gone
But my memories remain
And everything is lost
But I cannot get away.
Disjointed thought and feelings
Rush through my mind in flashes
Countless hours and searing moments
Peirce through my pained goodbye.
I prayed in every room
And I prayed on the floor
And thanked God for my family
But now I am alone
And God is silent.
I was so happy
And there was nothing I couldn’t do
And if I could do anything
Then why crush me like that.
Evil came in this house
In the back door
When no one was looking
Finding a weakness of the heart
And taking all it could.
Just a trip or two more
And everything is gone
What will I do when I leave at last
A long last look or maybe a tear
The home I never thought I’d leave.
1860 Furlong Run
It was where I once lived
I shall say it
While there is still time
Just to know that it happened
And to know it was real.
In time all this shall pass away
Yes even for the shallow
Soulless and dead
No matter how neat and clean
And no matter what it cost.
I know what it cost
And I know who paid the price
Not the one who boasts
And not the one who lies.
Is everything perfect enough?
Because soon it shall pass
Because nothing we steal
Shall ever last for long.
If you could know the future
Would you still lie and would you still kill?
So deeply deceived and misguided
Conned, swindled, and stolen away.
I am so damaged
And the pain won’t go away
And I have given up so much
That how can I ever remain.
I am almost gone
And barely acknowledged I live
An inconvenient witness
Of something too horrible to tell.
I heard and I saw
And I felt each and every thing
In small painful degrees
Everything I ever loved.
I used to go for walks
But I just can’t go anymore
Because everywhere I turn
There is always something to remind me
Painful and insulting.
I can remember the sun
And how it warmed my skin
And I can remember laughing
While walking to lunch.
But no longer am I welcome
And I have no money to pay
So I sit in my cubicle
And you look the other way.
I did not steal
And I did not lie
And I tried not to cause pain
Even when I should have.
You blame me
But you knew
That I didn’t have enough
And that it wasn’t my fault.
Just another way
To make the wounds bleed
Keeping them raw
And making them hurt.
Is there ever a consequence?
For those who lie, cheat and steal?
When they seem to go on living
With no shame at all.
I am very thirsty
But no drink soothes my tongue
And I am very hungry
But I am unsatisfied.
No possible vengeance
Could ever equal this suffering
And no mere words
Could ever make it right.
If I could be forgiven
I would finish it today
Crushing what should be crushed
Without hesitation, regret, or remorse.
You only live once
But you can always die twice
The second far worse
Than any I shall know.
Act like it never happened
Or pretend I never lived
Think that I am horrible
But I’ll smash him in the end.
The hidden will come out at last
And see the light of God
He shall judge wise and fairly
Much better than this world
And much better than you.
I told the truth
And I know that you knew it
But you chose to believe a lie
And sold yourself cheaply.
Is release from obligation so valuable?
That you can trade eternity?
And is the protection of falsehood so priceless
That you can destroy the good.
I have held back
But God will not
For he knows the swindlers heart
And he knows every lie.
Just as the ripple spreads outward
Reaching every edge of the pond
So must one thing lead to another
Each and every decision
Guided by the last.
Imperceptible moments of decision pass
For God does not act
Without giving us a chance
No hole too deep
For us to dig out of
Before the earth swallows the dead.
The silent clouds pass
Across the many still hours lived
Straining to see backwards
Through awkward painful dreams.
Captured and lost
Stilted and dead.
We make our own decisions
But our course is confined by events
Funneled one way or another
By the constraints of weakness and pride.
We look back in anger
And we lash out in all directions
Without seeing the end
And where it all began.
Rot spreads like a cancer
But we must know from where it grows
Because it cannot spread until it starts
And we must know the cause
Before we kill it dead.
The weight of time
And the burden of memory
It has become too heavy
Too heavy for me to lift.
And I am just worn out from the fight
And training myself not to care.
I can see where it started
Evil came in but not uninvited
Preying upon unseen weaknesses
Little by little and inch by inch.
How many have been misguided
And how many good things aborted
If only we had seen it coming
So much could have been done.
Outside there are the lions
Back and forth they pace and turn
Waiting for an opening
To kill and devour.
The greater the gift
The more they are threatened
And the more they must deceive
Finding a way to slip through our defensives
And thrust a knife in our heart.
I was left alone with the memories
I was the one who kept them all
No escape to new surroundings
And no one to help at all.
I tried to hold on
But it wasn’t about me
Never able to shake the past
And never able to buy another.
I could not stop the inevitable
And I can’t create what isn’t there
Hoping against hope
For a way to manage
But just for a piece of time.
I made it as long as I could
But no one can wait forever
I had to give it over
What was never mine to keep.
Now my world is silent
I guess because I have lost
Nothing much left worth taking
The damage now done
And I am alone.
All that I loved is gone
And the journey is back to zero
Every day with just enough strength to carry
The debts of a distant past.
Everywhere I walk
And everywhere I sit
I am always reminded
Of all that I was
And all that I lost.
Standing at the bus stop
Or sitting on a bench
I see and hear bits and pieces
The buzz of a life
That I once lived.
I am hanging on
Just barely at the edge of existence
Not really respectable
And just above disaster.
I watch as others laugh
For me the laughter has died
I exist but for one reason
Those who I must raise.
The pain is great
But the insult is worse
Going it alone disgraced
With the debts of unequal burdens
Coming after me every morning
And taking all I have.
There is so much I know
But even strangers
Always see the same
No way everyone could be wrong
True at first light
Just like everyone knew
And just like I said.
You call evil good
And good you call evil
But the truth is bigger than us
And we will have to answer
For each and every lie.
I took the blame
Because my options were gone
But I am not the one to blame
And it’s not all my problem
Because we know where it started
And I know where it ends.
The train has left the station
And the seed lies dead in the ground
The rains shall come
And the sun shall rise
All in the due course of time.
Tomorrow is silent
And today is almost over
Another incremental day
And another pain in my chest.
A truth has dawned
And it is self evident
It’s not all about me
And it never was
Because it was all about you
And it all came from a lie.
In time, I’ll have mine
And you’ll get yours
Because the good only die once
But some shall die twice
A long delayed harvest
From the seeds already sowed.
The seeds come from a lie
And it is all about money, ease and comfort
All about running away
And all about childish dreams
Dumb and shallow
Greedy and dead.
Some people have nothing inside
Nothing to share and nothing to give
So they seek outward
To fill their vacant souls.
Always asking
To find out what others think
And to find out what they want
But giving just to get
And loving just to steal.
Someday harvest will come
Yes sure as the sun
To each as their true motives show
And to each as they’ve sown.
The Shadowlands 4/28/2010
Above me the storm clouds gather
Full of fury gray, green, and black
Unexpectedly cold and windy
But not because we didn’t know
Because we were warned
But never believed.
In the shadowlands
All words are choked with dust
And the earth is baked and cracked
Except for in the winters
Of blowing snow and black ice.
The old places still stand
But time has made the bones brittle
Crumbling into dust before our eyes
Vanishing and never to return.
The battles have been fought
And an uneasy peace has settled
Restless sounds across the wheat
As dark clouds start to gather.
I was there in the sun
And I felt its warmth on my head
Running backwards through my mind
To a place I once knew.
The old wood is rotting
An American gothic land of despair
Lonely as the dead across the distances
Bleached, cracked, and pitted.
A swirling funnel cloud
Churns up earth and dust
Scattering tumbleweeds far afield
Timeless destruction and hesitant rebirth
Desperate as it always was.
My face is ashen and smeared with blood
I am not the man that I once was
Beaten by unseen hands
And stabbed from behind.
I still stand
But I am not proud
And I still dream
But my plans have shrunk.
All the things that I knew
Are gone
Vanished and unfamiliar
As we gaze across a landscape
Of incalculable loss.
The price of neglect
And the wages of convenience
All abandoned to the ravages of fate
And surrendered inch by inch.
A matter of perspective
Is what some might say
The quiet longing we feel in our heart
Trying to fill the void of creation
Back to the eternity
We once held and lost.
The land has yet to burst in flame
And not a soul has yet to rise
No matter where I go
And no matter what I do
Everything is gone
Everyone wants a better look
Everyone wants to see the dead
But we live on
Pale and walking slowly
Our homes surrendered
And all the good are crying
But it is far too late.
Rot must spread
And lies must fester
Eating us all inside out
While we stare with vacant eyes
Dull and dependent
Fragile, weak, dumb and dead.
Shock and anger have long since died
And we calmly walk unto death
Without barely a whimper
Killed when too tired to fight.
Far from where we once were
The mighty republic of old
Gone on the wings of Eagles
Long since flown away
And no longer proud.
We whistle past the graveyard
While Rome burns around us
Looking the other way
While others steal what we own.
The news is twisted or omitted
Anything for political convenience
The few selling out the many
For a future we’ll never have.
The liars and the pretenders
They scheme, lie and plan
They hate us for who we are
And no one says a thing.
We all know the truth
But hated are those who speak it
The real hatred unacknowledged
But it will not go away
And God will not forget.
The ceaseless invasion comes
Stealing the future from our children
And we have no one else to blame
But the cowardice of politicians.
For a few votes or temporary victory
They put it off a little longer
But soon it will be too late
And all of them know why.
The ignore the will of people
And treat patriots with contempt
Vanity at work upon the weak minded
Like so much gasoline and fire.
The few speak loudly
And they use familiar words
But they are the ones with hate
And not the ones they accuse.
Soon this shall all pass
But that will not be the end
Because we cannot orchestrate good and evil
Not in the real world
Like they can on predictable tv.
The future is bleak
And evil has such a hold
Nothing too small to go unnoticed
And no insult is missed.
The undeserving wears the crown
And evil rules the day
Flaunting power and possessions
Over the good, oppressed and dead.
Men are robbed by the law
And others given
What they do not deserve
All in the name of justice
Mans and not from God.
They do not report the reasons for murder
And they repeat the same old lies
Ignoring the truth
They insult the wise.
Their enemy is you
And their enemy is me
Anything decent and just
What they could never defeat
They kill us with our kindness.
A murderers face on a t-shirt
And the vain on their magazines
Insulated from reality
Until its too late.
All words are twisted
And everyone is afraid
Because the truth is forbidden
And lies rule the land.
They have traded light for darkness
And evil they call good
While the good are mocked, robbed
And left for dead.
The temples of white marble
Are full of evil men
They hold us in contempt
And hate us for what we are
Seven years of deception
Seven years before the truth
Seven minus the end is the beginning
And I remember the very day.
The Spirits of the living
And the ghosts of the dead
All know the end is coming
And wait under the burdens
For the end of days is near
And Gods hands are ready.
Furlong Run 4/29/2010
It is almost summer again
And the heat slows down the time
Sitting in my gray cubicle
And frozen in changeless dreams.
So much has happened
And I have to shake myself awake
Just to know I am still alive
When I can’t feel anything at all.
The hours pass
And I keep on living
Occasionally the desperate thoughts come
I try to forget them
But I don’t know how to make it
And even breathing hurts.
I have no one to call
And they couldn’t help anyway.
No one and nothing is the truth
Some things are just too painful
And some injuries just cannot heal
And words are never enough.
It has been such a long time
But I still hear bits and pieces
Memories of those I loved
And news of those I’ve lost.
I wonder if they ever think of me
And I wonder if they can even guess
How much it has cost me
And how much potential was lost.
Whether I want to or not
I remember my former self
Now it all seems so childish
The things I said and the things I did
But I can never go back.
I look in the mirror
And I pick out my flaws
I could be so much better Than what I was.
More painful things I cannot imagine
The slow loss of living
And I take the blame
Because there is nothing else to do.
I did all I could
But I never had enough
But yet I am blamed, mocked and reminded
Like I had a choice at all.
It is easy to blame
When someone else pays
And it is easy to run
When someone bears the burden.
I tried so hard
But there was nowhere to turn
And I have nothing left
And barely a roof for my head.
No one weeps for me
And I guess I wouldn’t want them to
Because I didn’t cause this
But I know where it started
I had no groceries
And I had no medicine
And I cried and I cried.
I am mocked
And my name insulted
A swindler has stolen all I have
And I am alone
But still I must bear the shallow smiles
Like it matters at all.
Sometimes I wonder how long
How long can this go on
How long can the good be murdered
While evil men lie and steal.
How long can the good ignore
What is right before their eyes
And how long must I want
When I gave all I could.
All the laughter has gone
And the silence is more than I can bear
Killing me with its weight
In the absence of those I loved.
Is it really all my fault?
Is all this suffering because of me
Or is all suffering not equal
And only the weak of spirit worthy?
An empty house
Filled with echoes
So lonely and forgotten
As if no one ever knew
And no one ever loved.
How can I forget
And how can I go on
When more is lost
Than is recovered
And God still waits.
I walked through the old rooms
And cried out familiar names
But no child came running
And no gentle kiss welcomed me home.
I could not look at their names
Where I had penciled their heights on the door
Unable to see what kind of defect
Was too horrible to ignore
Or any kind of mistake
That could never be repaired.
She made good her threat
And I have not seen him since
Even though I loved him and raised him
My missing unexpected son
His memory killing me.
What kind of evil or deception
Could ever have such a hold
That the innocent can be punished
Ruined, murdered, and blamed.
Today I signed the papers
And the old house will soon be gone
Someone else shall paint over
My blood, prayers and soul.
Everything is gone
But my memories remain
And everything is lost
But I cannot get away.
Disjointed thought and feelings
Rush through my mind in flashes
Countless hours and searing moments
Peirce through my pained goodbye.
I prayed in every room
And I prayed on the floor
And thanked God for my family
But now I am alone
And God is silent.
I was so happy
And there was nothing I couldn’t do
And if I could do anything
Then why crush me like that.
Evil came in this house
In the back door
When no one was looking
Finding a weakness of the heart
And taking all it could.
Just a trip or two more
And everything is gone
What will I do when I leave at last
A long last look or maybe a tear
The home I never thought I’d leave.
1860 Furlong Run
It was where I once lived
I shall say it
While there is still time
Just to know that it happened
And to know it was real.
In time all this shall pass away
Yes even for the shallow
Soulless and dead
No matter how neat and clean
And no matter what it cost.
I know what it cost
And I know who paid the price
Not the one who boasts
And not the one who lies.
Is everything perfect enough?
Because soon it shall pass
Because nothing we steal
Shall ever last for long.
If you could know the future
Would you still lie and would you still kill?
So deeply deceived and misguided
Conned, swindled, and stolen away.
I am so damaged
And the pain won’t go away
And I have given up so much
That how can I ever remain.
I am almost gone
And barely acknowledged I live
An inconvenient witness
Of something too horrible to tell.
I heard and I saw
And I felt each and every thing
In small painful degrees
Everything I ever loved.
I used to go for walks
But I just can’t go anymore
Because everywhere I turn
There is always something to remind me
Painful and insulting.
I can remember the sun
And how it warmed my skin
And I can remember laughing
While walking to lunch.
But no longer am I welcome
And I have no money to pay
So I sit in my cubicle
And you look the other way.
I did not steal
And I did not lie
And I tried not to cause pain
Even when I should have.
You blame me
But you knew
That I didn’t have enough
And that it wasn’t my fault.
Just another way
To make the wounds bleed
Keeping them raw
And making them hurt.
Is there ever a consequence?
For those who lie, cheat and steal?
When they seem to go on living
With no shame at all.
I am very thirsty
But no drink soothes my tongue
And I am very hungry
But I am unsatisfied.
No possible vengeance
Could ever equal this suffering
And no mere words
Could ever make it right.
If I could be forgiven
I would finish it today
Crushing what should be crushed
Without hesitation, regret, or remorse.
You only live once
But you can always die twice
The second far worse
Than any I shall know.
Act like it never happened
Or pretend I never lived
Think that I am horrible
But I’ll smash him in the end.
The hidden will come out at last
And see the light of God
He shall judge wise and fairly
Much better than this world
And much better than you.
I told the truth
And I know that you knew it
But you chose to believe a lie
And sold yourself cheaply.
Is release from obligation so valuable?
That you can trade eternity?
And is the protection of falsehood so priceless
That you can destroy the good.
I have held back
But God will not
For he knows the swindlers heart
And he knows every lie.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Jumping the fence and The Longest Day
Jumping the fence From May 2006 Haven't even looked at this in five years. The second one is titled "The Longest Day" it is written from the perspective of someone who is dying. I have never sent these to any of my firends.
Painful words on a cocktail napkin
But too afraid to finish
Hard to close the door once opened
With the waters surging through.
In between the pages
Endless days have passed
Each one without a word
Passing through morning, evening and night.
Without history, memory or meaning.
Over our shoulder looking backwards
We wonder if they ever really happened
The same day as the others
All over again.
In between the tests
Still burned by the last
No strings above and
And no net below
On a thin prayer of faith
I am held.
I cut my hand on the roses
I ran the water over the vein
Cool and clear to stop
The bleeding
And hide the wound.
Long after she left
I could feel the echo
Reminding me what she wanted
Pierced through bone and marrow.
A slow moment passes between
A silent eternity of possibilities
It remains where we exist
Both together and alone
And I am alive
But also dying.
Like a mystery viewed through water
Looking down from above
And I am a flat fish swimming sideways
And dying.
Watery memory not quiet perfect
Yet indelible on my mind
I knew what it meant
But I knew where it would it lead
Nowhere but pain
And all we’d have is sorrow.
There’s more than what I missed
There’s more than what I wanted
But I just can’t lose the meaning
Of something too beautiful to ruin.
Take a part of me with you
The last perfect part
The one you can’t see or feel
The one that doesn’t cause pain.
And will never disappoint.
A deep dive into the fountains
A fast drive down the coast
Up the hills and around the corners
Throw your head back in laughter
And cry out my name.
Before it’s ruined
Before these words disappear
Like a horse unbridled
Let the spirit run.
I can feel it now
Surging in my blood
A future full of possibilities
And a handful of fury.
I am forgiven
For all the things I’ve done
No longer to stare at the flames
And wonder if what I lost
Was worth what I won.
The fatalistic fever has broken
And disordered thoughts focus
On the roof and on the ledge
In between decisions
And drifting
Up against a fence
28 stories high.
There were things I couldn’t say
I never thought they would understand
It wasn’t because I was lonely
Because all men are lonely
And thirsty.
Its not that I am such a secret
I am just never sure
Whether anyone would believe
Or understand.
I never meant to be so thoughtless
Building a life
Just to tear it down
I was bored and disaffected
Easier to wallow in alienation
Than to love.
I have yet to know
Why I am here
And these words
Are never enough
To fill the wounds.
Thoughts and dreams
Rush on by
If I could only capture
And describe what it means
And tell you
What I needed you to know.
I remember the fight
On the fire escape
I just couldn’t believe
That all I loved was dead
I’ll never be the same
Now that the blood has spilled
I’ll never be as peaceful
Now that I see the truth
But I am not afraid of the future
And dying holds no morbid fascination
It doesn’t matter what it will feel like
Its okay either way
Because I don’t have a choice.
Like a soldier who lost a friend
Walking the ruins
Remembering the house
He grew up in
Never sure why he lives
Scarred but awakened
And free of the past.
I’m gonna jump the fence
And keep on running
Straight through a gray curtain of rain
Into a future uncertain
Shot through with random chaos
And intermittent pain.
Into the wide open
Without judgment or fear
The same old story
Told in different words
Still to be decided.
Love cannot live long
Without food or water
But all I ever needed
Is already here
Everything I ever wanted
Crossing over into wordless beauty.
The Longest Day June 2006
Today I know
Something inside is growing
And I will die
I could tell by the look on their face
Even before you told me.
I can feel it
Slowly growing
A lump in my side
And a pain in my chest.
I don’t know what to do
Much less what to think
But you were there for me
When I was lost
And I’m glad you’re here now.
I don’t feel I’ve lived enough
To truly let go
But some choices
Are not for us to make.
It will get harder
But when my breath gets shallow
And I can’t respond
Will you hold my hand?
And remember?
Dreams that will not happen
Are hard to forget
And I fear the end
And darkness.
Will I suffocate?
Or will I starve?
And will I even know?
The future is dark
And I am scared.
There were painful times
But there was also the good
I can only remember the good now
The past is behind us.
You were the one
Who really knew me
Who stuck by me
When the times were tough
Stick with me now
Even though
I am gaunt and pale.
I remember the pain I caused
It haunts me
I remember the things I’ve done
And I can’t go back.
It’s not fair
But I know nothing is
Am I supposed to be grateful?
I guess that is everyone will say.
But I am angry
Angry at the world
Why would God let this happen?
Unexpected and cruel.
I know I shouldn’t think that
But what did I ever do to deserve this?
Are my sins any greater?
And my days slip away.
I am not perfect
None of us are
But I am proud of you
For being here.
Through warm tears
I see your pained smile
And I just hate to leave
When there is so much left to live for.
But food has lost its taste
And the colors all fade to gray
Inside I am dried up
And in no time
I’ll be gone.
I have to believe
Pray that I’ll believe
Hold me in silence
And all is forgiven.
Take care of the kids
Give them a part of me
To remember
Laugh with them
And cry with them
If only I could.
And always remember
That you are my one and only
You have become a great man
The one I always knew you could be
And never forget
That I love you.
Painful words on a cocktail napkin
But too afraid to finish
Hard to close the door once opened
With the waters surging through.
In between the pages
Endless days have passed
Each one without a word
Passing through morning, evening and night.
Without history, memory or meaning.
Over our shoulder looking backwards
We wonder if they ever really happened
The same day as the others
All over again.
In between the tests
Still burned by the last
No strings above and
And no net below
On a thin prayer of faith
I am held.
I cut my hand on the roses
I ran the water over the vein
Cool and clear to stop
The bleeding
And hide the wound.
Long after she left
I could feel the echo
Reminding me what she wanted
Pierced through bone and marrow.
A slow moment passes between
A silent eternity of possibilities
It remains where we exist
Both together and alone
And I am alive
But also dying.
Like a mystery viewed through water
Looking down from above
And I am a flat fish swimming sideways
And dying.
Watery memory not quiet perfect
Yet indelible on my mind
I knew what it meant
But I knew where it would it lead
Nowhere but pain
And all we’d have is sorrow.
There’s more than what I missed
There’s more than what I wanted
But I just can’t lose the meaning
Of something too beautiful to ruin.
Take a part of me with you
The last perfect part
The one you can’t see or feel
The one that doesn’t cause pain.
And will never disappoint.
A deep dive into the fountains
A fast drive down the coast
Up the hills and around the corners
Throw your head back in laughter
And cry out my name.
Before it’s ruined
Before these words disappear
Like a horse unbridled
Let the spirit run.
I can feel it now
Surging in my blood
A future full of possibilities
And a handful of fury.
I am forgiven
For all the things I’ve done
No longer to stare at the flames
And wonder if what I lost
Was worth what I won.
The fatalistic fever has broken
And disordered thoughts focus
On the roof and on the ledge
In between decisions
And drifting
Up against a fence
28 stories high.
There were things I couldn’t say
I never thought they would understand
It wasn’t because I was lonely
Because all men are lonely
And thirsty.
Its not that I am such a secret
I am just never sure
Whether anyone would believe
Or understand.
I never meant to be so thoughtless
Building a life
Just to tear it down
I was bored and disaffected
Easier to wallow in alienation
Than to love.
I have yet to know
Why I am here
And these words
Are never enough
To fill the wounds.
Thoughts and dreams
Rush on by
If I could only capture
And describe what it means
And tell you
What I needed you to know.
I remember the fight
On the fire escape
I just couldn’t believe
That all I loved was dead
I’ll never be the same
Now that the blood has spilled
I’ll never be as peaceful
Now that I see the truth
But I am not afraid of the future
And dying holds no morbid fascination
It doesn’t matter what it will feel like
Its okay either way
Because I don’t have a choice.
Like a soldier who lost a friend
Walking the ruins
Remembering the house
He grew up in
Never sure why he lives
Scarred but awakened
And free of the past.
I’m gonna jump the fence
And keep on running
Straight through a gray curtain of rain
Into a future uncertain
Shot through with random chaos
And intermittent pain.
Into the wide open
Without judgment or fear
The same old story
Told in different words
Still to be decided.
Love cannot live long
Without food or water
But all I ever needed
Is already here
Everything I ever wanted
Crossing over into wordless beauty.
The Longest Day June 2006
Today I know
Something inside is growing
And I will die
I could tell by the look on their face
Even before you told me.
I can feel it
Slowly growing
A lump in my side
And a pain in my chest.
I don’t know what to do
Much less what to think
But you were there for me
When I was lost
And I’m glad you’re here now.
I don’t feel I’ve lived enough
To truly let go
But some choices
Are not for us to make.
It will get harder
But when my breath gets shallow
And I can’t respond
Will you hold my hand?
And remember?
Dreams that will not happen
Are hard to forget
And I fear the end
And darkness.
Will I suffocate?
Or will I starve?
And will I even know?
The future is dark
And I am scared.
There were painful times
But there was also the good
I can only remember the good now
The past is behind us.
You were the one
Who really knew me
Who stuck by me
When the times were tough
Stick with me now
Even though
I am gaunt and pale.
I remember the pain I caused
It haunts me
I remember the things I’ve done
And I can’t go back.
It’s not fair
But I know nothing is
Am I supposed to be grateful?
I guess that is everyone will say.
But I am angry
Angry at the world
Why would God let this happen?
Unexpected and cruel.
I know I shouldn’t think that
But what did I ever do to deserve this?
Are my sins any greater?
And my days slip away.
I am not perfect
None of us are
But I am proud of you
For being here.
Through warm tears
I see your pained smile
And I just hate to leave
When there is so much left to live for.
But food has lost its taste
And the colors all fade to gray
Inside I am dried up
And in no time
I’ll be gone.
I have to believe
Pray that I’ll believe
Hold me in silence
And all is forgiven.
Take care of the kids
Give them a part of me
To remember
Laugh with them
And cry with them
If only I could.
And always remember
That you are my one and only
You have become a great man
The one I always knew you could be
And never forget
That I love you.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Missing
Missing 6/27/2011
There is a place
That I have been
In between dreams and knowledge
Inside of myself
But outside the world.
Where my mind starts to wander
And the truth becomes clear
Where there is no need to guess
Because I know..
I remember the sounds
And I remember the faces
As they echo throughout the past
And instantly I return
And feel once again.
The sudden separations are over
And I dream that I am awake
Back to where I was
Long ago and far away.
Those that I loved
And those long dead
Return and speak once again
And I can feel their presence
And know that its f0r real.
But never are we able
To finish or complete
Forgive or reconcile
Because no man can see God
And return.
The words come then
In a flood of creativity
Overflowing my mind
And I know in an instant
What I should say or write.
But they are forgotten
In the demands of the day
And they die unused
Wasted and dry.
We all long for that place
That missing place in our hearts
An inevitable uneasy feeling
Because the world is corrupt
And dying.
We all long for eternity
And we all long for that perfection
To recapture a surreal memory
As impossible as it was beautiful.
Those effortless moments
Remain suspended in our memory
Perfect as crystal snowflakes
Falling on a black velvet dream.
.
Where we were laughing
And nothing ever hurt
And no one every died
And we were forgiven.
Our loved ones
Are bathed in soft light
And long sultry pauses
The kind you can never forget
No matter how long
Or how far.
But I am here
And the worries return
And I am once again
Staggered by the loss
And crushed by its weight.
No two people are the same
And every love hurts differently
But I am marked forever
With sadness and regret.
I never thought about the horror
And I never thought about the future
Receding away
Out of sight and out of mind
Remote like death
But just as final.
I lived in whimsical emotion
And I had all I wanted
Diving into a deep black abyss
Without knowing the bottom.
I drank Irish Whiskey
And I wore a black velvet jacket
Smashing the bottles behind the house
And screaming like a wild man.
I drove fast in the rain
And I felt invincible
And immortal
So I destroyed everything
Without regard to pain.
Death is a mystery
And it takes the good and the bad
Sometimes tragic
And sometimes timely
But almost always unwanted
But in the end
Nothing changes
And life passes by
And we adapt Imperceptibly
Towards a person
That we don’t know.
She gave in to what I wanted
And never told me
How much it hurt
And I just never noticed
How much was really lost.
We disappear
In the pursuit of ourselves
And never even conceive
How precious our time.
I took my chances
And I still lived
But at what cost
And at what sacrifice.
By the time I saw
It was too late to save
And my dreams spin
Out of control
And off a cliff.
She said I have a black cloud
That follows where I go
And she hated the rain
That fell on our heads.
I never paid attention
To mundane demands
Preferring my beautiful thoughts
To the needs of the day.
I have veered far off course
And ended up alone
So far removed
From reconciliation
Or comfort.
In the desert
I cried out of help
And broke apart
What I had made
Because I couldn’t see the point
And didn’t care at all.
I tried to kill that part
That part of me I left
But it wasn’t easy
And it wasn’t fast.
Wandering around in the sun
And trying to numb my pain
When it always came back
And there was nowhere to go.
I am alive but also dead
And now my life is over
But yet I live
And yet I bleed.
Someone has to pay the price
And someone always has to lose
To walk straight and hold up their head
As they stand and sacrifice.
My shadow elongates
And I am stretched taller
As I walk into the sun
To face a future
Unseen and violent.
I am different than I was
And I fix my eyes
With deadly determination
With nothing left to lose
And nothing left to hate.
I am just as free
As I ever was
Bloodied but undefeated
And humbled but unashamed.
To love with all my heart
Those I still have near
And make the most
Of these small moments
For whatever kind of future
That I cannot know.
There is a place
That I have been
In between dreams and knowledge
Inside of myself
But outside the world.
Where my mind starts to wander
And the truth becomes clear
Where there is no need to guess
Because I know..
I remember the sounds
And I remember the faces
As they echo throughout the past
And instantly I return
And feel once again.
The sudden separations are over
And I dream that I am awake
Back to where I was
Long ago and far away.
Those that I loved
And those long dead
Return and speak once again
And I can feel their presence
And know that its f0r real.
But never are we able
To finish or complete
Forgive or reconcile
Because no man can see God
And return.
The words come then
In a flood of creativity
Overflowing my mind
And I know in an instant
What I should say or write.
But they are forgotten
In the demands of the day
And they die unused
Wasted and dry.
We all long for that place
That missing place in our hearts
An inevitable uneasy feeling
Because the world is corrupt
And dying.
We all long for eternity
And we all long for that perfection
To recapture a surreal memory
As impossible as it was beautiful.
Those effortless moments
Remain suspended in our memory
Perfect as crystal snowflakes
Falling on a black velvet dream.
.
Where we were laughing
And nothing ever hurt
And no one every died
And we were forgiven.
Our loved ones
Are bathed in soft light
And long sultry pauses
The kind you can never forget
No matter how long
Or how far.
But I am here
And the worries return
And I am once again
Staggered by the loss
And crushed by its weight.
No two people are the same
And every love hurts differently
But I am marked forever
With sadness and regret.
I never thought about the horror
And I never thought about the future
Receding away
Out of sight and out of mind
Remote like death
But just as final.
I lived in whimsical emotion
And I had all I wanted
Diving into a deep black abyss
Without knowing the bottom.
I drank Irish Whiskey
And I wore a black velvet jacket
Smashing the bottles behind the house
And screaming like a wild man.
I drove fast in the rain
And I felt invincible
And immortal
So I destroyed everything
Without regard to pain.
Death is a mystery
And it takes the good and the bad
Sometimes tragic
And sometimes timely
But almost always unwanted
But in the end
Nothing changes
And life passes by
And we adapt Imperceptibly
Towards a person
That we don’t know.
She gave in to what I wanted
And never told me
How much it hurt
And I just never noticed
How much was really lost.
We disappear
In the pursuit of ourselves
And never even conceive
How precious our time.
I took my chances
And I still lived
But at what cost
And at what sacrifice.
By the time I saw
It was too late to save
And my dreams spin
Out of control
And off a cliff.
She said I have a black cloud
That follows where I go
And she hated the rain
That fell on our heads.
I never paid attention
To mundane demands
Preferring my beautiful thoughts
To the needs of the day.
I have veered far off course
And ended up alone
So far removed
From reconciliation
Or comfort.
In the desert
I cried out of help
And broke apart
What I had made
Because I couldn’t see the point
And didn’t care at all.
I tried to kill that part
That part of me I left
But it wasn’t easy
And it wasn’t fast.
Wandering around in the sun
And trying to numb my pain
When it always came back
And there was nowhere to go.
I am alive but also dead
And now my life is over
But yet I live
And yet I bleed.
Someone has to pay the price
And someone always has to lose
To walk straight and hold up their head
As they stand and sacrifice.
My shadow elongates
And I am stretched taller
As I walk into the sun
To face a future
Unseen and violent.
I am different than I was
And I fix my eyes
With deadly determination
With nothing left to lose
And nothing left to hate.
I am just as free
As I ever was
Bloodied but undefeated
And humbled but unashamed.
To love with all my heart
Those I still have near
And make the most
Of these small moments
For whatever kind of future
That I cannot know.
Friday, June 24, 2011
another flashback
A friends middle name
Something for Alice 09/03/2008
Alice is gone
And I don't know what to do
My words fall short of description
Fading away into blurry memory
Ever smaller and farther away.
I wish I could have known her better
And I wish I had tried a lot harder
Alice sold herself too cheaply
When I should have paid the price.
So sad and alone
Misunderstood and ignored
In the stillness of long forgotten summers
Walking to the library to read and dream.
Alice knew what it felt like
To be sad and accept it
Locked inside where no one knew
A secret life of wordless dreams.
Alice grew up
And Alice gave away
Always making someone happy
Because that was all she knew.
As much as I wish
I had only scratched the surface
Selfishly assuming
There was no need try.
Alice had to work and struggle
And learned to smile all the way
Doing her best at whatever was there
Pretending that she didn’t matter
And nothing ever hurt.
Alice loved God
And prayed in sweet silence
Taking the risks of faith
Long before I knew her.
She learned to cope and save
So that she never needed anyone
While I didn’t have to worry
Because I knew she always would.
Alice gave up her name
But she gave me more than that
The knowledge of God’s love
And all the possibilities of life.
If I had cared to notice
I would have seen her disappearing
Slowly fading away
Until there was nothing left.
I wish I could tell Alice
How much I loved her
Back to the beginning
And be a different man.
But man doesn’t have the luxury
Of more than a single try
Minutes, hours, and days
Adding up in tens of thousands
And before we know it
We curl up and die.
Sometimes the best intentions
Don’t translate into action
And that was what she needed
When I was busy daydreaming
And didn't seem to care.
There is something I would like to tell her
And that is the prayer she never knew
That every day on my knees I prayed
At the picture I loved the most.
It was on my desk
And when every one was gone
On my knees for my family
The ones I loved so dearly
I put the picture away
But the feelings remain
Along with the memories
That make me hate myself.
Today is her birthday
A day I shall never forget
In my blood
And in my soul
Something I cannot lose
And will never deny.
It has been so long my sweet Alice
I knew you for such a brief moment in time
Nineteen years ago December
And we were so very young
Both of us clinging to the familiar
When we had only just begun.
It was such a short fraction of time
But now I think of it often
Before you started losing yourself
In so many small degrees.
Alice I am sorry
And I know this is long overdue
That I wasted way too much time
That you were really trying to help
And I never stopped to listen.
I knew you were a treasure
Full of wit, intelligence and style
But I should have learned more
And understood what you needed.
Alice it took me a long time to know
And now it’s far too late
Forgive me for my emotions
Because the words are pinched with pain
Like shards of glass
Cutting me from the inside out
And I can’t stop the bleeding.
I have wept for six hundred nights
For a love I cannot retrieve
Thinking I had forever
And let you wither away.
In the end all this will pass away
In perfect peace at long last
And I shall meet Alice again
My head held high and smiling
And we will all be forgiven
And there shall be no anger
But only love shall permeate our souls
In the end just like the beginning
Exactly how he wanted us al
Something for Alice 09/03/2008
Alice is gone
And I don't know what to do
My words fall short of description
Fading away into blurry memory
Ever smaller and farther away.
I wish I could have known her better
And I wish I had tried a lot harder
Alice sold herself too cheaply
When I should have paid the price.
So sad and alone
Misunderstood and ignored
In the stillness of long forgotten summers
Walking to the library to read and dream.
Alice knew what it felt like
To be sad and accept it
Locked inside where no one knew
A secret life of wordless dreams.
Alice grew up
And Alice gave away
Always making someone happy
Because that was all she knew.
As much as I wish
I had only scratched the surface
Selfishly assuming
There was no need try.
Alice had to work and struggle
And learned to smile all the way
Doing her best at whatever was there
Pretending that she didn’t matter
And nothing ever hurt.
Alice loved God
And prayed in sweet silence
Taking the risks of faith
Long before I knew her.
She learned to cope and save
So that she never needed anyone
While I didn’t have to worry
Because I knew she always would.
Alice gave up her name
But she gave me more than that
The knowledge of God’s love
And all the possibilities of life.
If I had cared to notice
I would have seen her disappearing
Slowly fading away
Until there was nothing left.
I wish I could tell Alice
How much I loved her
Back to the beginning
And be a different man.
But man doesn’t have the luxury
Of more than a single try
Minutes, hours, and days
Adding up in tens of thousands
And before we know it
We curl up and die.
Sometimes the best intentions
Don’t translate into action
And that was what she needed
When I was busy daydreaming
And didn't seem to care.
There is something I would like to tell her
And that is the prayer she never knew
That every day on my knees I prayed
At the picture I loved the most.
It was on my desk
And when every one was gone
On my knees for my family
The ones I loved so dearly
I put the picture away
But the feelings remain
Along with the memories
That make me hate myself.
Today is her birthday
A day I shall never forget
In my blood
And in my soul
Something I cannot lose
And will never deny.
It has been so long my sweet Alice
I knew you for such a brief moment in time
Nineteen years ago December
And we were so very young
Both of us clinging to the familiar
When we had only just begun.
It was such a short fraction of time
But now I think of it often
Before you started losing yourself
In so many small degrees.
Alice I am sorry
And I know this is long overdue
That I wasted way too much time
That you were really trying to help
And I never stopped to listen.
I knew you were a treasure
Full of wit, intelligence and style
But I should have learned more
And understood what you needed.
Alice it took me a long time to know
And now it’s far too late
Forgive me for my emotions
Because the words are pinched with pain
Like shards of glass
Cutting me from the inside out
And I can’t stop the bleeding.
I have wept for six hundred nights
For a love I cannot retrieve
Thinking I had forever
And let you wither away.
In the end all this will pass away
In perfect peace at long last
And I shall meet Alice again
My head held high and smiling
And we will all be forgiven
And there shall be no anger
But only love shall permeate our souls
In the end just like the beginning
Exactly how he wanted us al
Blood Brothers Redux
For some reason the stanzas are not lining up. Here is goes again. This one is only altered a little from 2 wrote this in 2004. I hadn't even read it in years until this morning. I did change a few lines at the beginning and I deleted the last stanza because it was too personal. I am not sure if I ever sent this to any of my friends or not. But either way, I am putting it out there now. By ironscribe
Blood BrothersSlamming car doors and breaking glass
Reverberate with the music in my mind
And I am there once again
Getting out the booze
We hid in our coats
To pass around the alcohol
And kill a little time.
Moving with the shadows both inside and out
In doorways and hallways of unfamiliar towns
Looking for something both beautiful and kind
And heading for oblivion
With whatever we could find.
One more round to kill the pain
To banish the boredom and medicate the heart
One more trip around the bar
To see who’s there
And see how far.
Feeling indestructible
But living without a plan
I was looking for an angel
To cure my mind.
The meaninglessness of life can get you down
Ever searching the night for a soul to share
Never questioning the answers you are eating
Or stopping to notice
That your insides are bleeding.
This incredible thirst we feel
This insatiable need for love
Walking with the vampires of unintended consequences
Of immortal thoughts
And misguided offenses.
Standing in lines and lighting a smoke
Numbing my soul and warming my blood
A sweet electric pulse from my head to my toes
For a moment I remember
And start to compose.
This hunger for life we can’t seem to control
These thousands of glimpses we so eagerly stole
A burning heart and a warm pint of beer
In my memory still alive
Happy and dear.
Life can be brutal and it can be short
Looking for a reason to see the sun
Distracting ourselves with selfish pleasures
False as the glory and money we treasure.
A plastic cup and the sound of the tide
We went up to the rocks and she gave me a ride
The sound of tires and visions of hereafter
As my memory falls apart
And goes tumbling after.
The darkness that falls upon the despondent
Is like a curtain call for hope
Blinded by the velvety folds
We try to hard and go for broke.
Cynical comments of the witty and vain
Anything to impress the one we’re with
At the foot of the little gods of vanity and pride
Shattered by the consequences
Of when she died.
I remember a cold ride in her jeep
Whipping the blankets
We held over our heads
Curvy are the roads of fate we drive
Is it by chance or grace
That we arrive?
I remember the crowded rooms
Where our glasses clinked
I remember the bars were we laughed
And guzzled our drinks
The decisions we make in the glory of time
Are but fleeting moments of rebellious design
This random love of conflicted emotions
A fickle heart of unremembered chances
Thinking I had forever to make up my mind
Measured backwards and crumbling with time.
On the wings of eagles high above the ground
Full of the blood of satisfied desires
These tumultuous days of hedonistic pleasure
Consuming all in ravenous fires.
Me and my brothers I remember quite well
Stuck in a place between heaven and hell
This gift of life that we held so lightly
Fading fast after burning so brightly.
The colors of memory both red and blue
Neon lights and a face in my brain
I remember her clothes black as midnight
Her hair was dark and her dress was tight.
I wonder why I turned out this way
I wonder why I wasted the days
A nighttime world of the lost and lonely
Looking backwards and repeating “if only?
Interrupted destiny I couldn’t have seen
That I would ever sit down and write
Putting away the little gods one by one
And picking up the pieces
Bleached out by the sun.
I write for reasons I still don’t know
Given this grace without deserving
I’ve learned patience through trial and suffering
All for my own good
But still underserving.
The chances of these words coming out in my hand
Beyond the measure of the grains of sand
This growing of heart and soul
Forward fast to a predestined goal.
I’ve paid the price for my mistakes
I should have prayed for guidance
Now I listen and can hear the voice
Guiding me always to the wiser choice.
Unselfish love without any cause
Generosity of spirit and forgiveness of heart
Giving without expectation
Without knowing
The end from the start.
Blood BrothersSlamming car doors and breaking glass
Reverberate with the music in my mind
And I am there once again
Getting out the booze
We hid in our coats
To pass around the alcohol
And kill a little time.
Moving with the shadows both inside and out
In doorways and hallways of unfamiliar towns
Looking for something both beautiful and kind
And heading for oblivion
With whatever we could find.
One more round to kill the pain
To banish the boredom and medicate the heart
One more trip around the bar
To see who’s there
And see how far.
Feeling indestructible
But living without a plan
I was looking for an angel
To cure my mind.
The meaninglessness of life can get you down
Ever searching the night for a soul to share
Never questioning the answers you are eating
Or stopping to notice
That your insides are bleeding.
This incredible thirst we feel
This insatiable need for love
Walking with the vampires of unintended consequences
Of immortal thoughts
And misguided offenses.
Standing in lines and lighting a smoke
Numbing my soul and warming my blood
A sweet electric pulse from my head to my toes
For a moment I remember
And start to compose.
This hunger for life we can’t seem to control
These thousands of glimpses we so eagerly stole
A burning heart and a warm pint of beer
In my memory still alive
Happy and dear.
Life can be brutal and it can be short
Looking for a reason to see the sun
Distracting ourselves with selfish pleasures
False as the glory and money we treasure.
A plastic cup and the sound of the tide
We went up to the rocks and she gave me a ride
The sound of tires and visions of hereafter
As my memory falls apart
And goes tumbling after.
The darkness that falls upon the despondent
Is like a curtain call for hope
Blinded by the velvety folds
We try to hard and go for broke.
Cynical comments of the witty and vain
Anything to impress the one we’re with
At the foot of the little gods of vanity and pride
Shattered by the consequences
Of when she died.
I remember a cold ride in her jeep
Whipping the blankets
We held over our heads
Curvy are the roads of fate we drive
Is it by chance or grace
That we arrive?
I remember the crowded rooms
Where our glasses clinked
I remember the bars were we laughed
And guzzled our drinks
The decisions we make in the glory of time
Are but fleeting moments of rebellious design
This random love of conflicted emotions
A fickle heart of unremembered chances
Thinking I had forever to make up my mind
Measured backwards and crumbling with time.
On the wings of eagles high above the ground
Full of the blood of satisfied desires
These tumultuous days of hedonistic pleasure
Consuming all in ravenous fires.
Me and my brothers I remember quite well
Stuck in a place between heaven and hell
This gift of life that we held so lightly
Fading fast after burning so brightly.
The colors of memory both red and blue
Neon lights and a face in my brain
I remember her clothes black as midnight
Her hair was dark and her dress was tight.
I wonder why I turned out this way
I wonder why I wasted the days
A nighttime world of the lost and lonely
Looking backwards and repeating “if only?
Interrupted destiny I couldn’t have seen
That I would ever sit down and write
Putting away the little gods one by one
And picking up the pieces
Bleached out by the sun.
I write for reasons I still don’t know
Given this grace without deserving
I’ve learned patience through trial and suffering
All for my own good
But still underserving.
The chances of these words coming out in my hand
Beyond the measure of the grains of sand
This growing of heart and soul
Forward fast to a predestined goal.
I’ve paid the price for my mistakes
I should have prayed for guidance
Now I listen and can hear the voice
Guiding me always to the wiser choice.
Unselfish love without any cause
Generosity of spirit and forgiveness of heart
Giving without expectation
Without knowing
The end from the start.
Blood Brothers Redux
I wrote this in 2004. I hadn't even read it in years until this morning. I did change a few lines at the beginning and I deleted the last stanza because it was too personal. I am not sure if I ever sent this to any of my friends or not. But either way, I am putting it out there now. By ironscribe
Blood Brothers
Slamming car doors and breaking glass
Reverberate with the music in my mind
Slamming car doors and breaking glass
Reverberate with the music in my mind
And I am there once again
Getting out the booze
Getting out the booze
We hid in our coats
To pass around the alcohol
To pass around the alcohol
And kill a little time.
Moving with the shadows both inside and out
In doorways and hallways of unfamiliar towns
Looking for something both beautiful and kind
And heading for oblivion
Moving with the shadows both inside and out
In doorways and hallways of unfamiliar towns
Looking for something both beautiful and kind
And heading for oblivion
With whatever we could find.
One more round to kill the pain
To banish the boredom and medicate the heart
One more trip around the bar
To see who’s there
One more round to kill the pain
To banish the boredom and medicate the heart
One more trip around the bar
To see who’s there
And see how far.
Feeling indestructible
Feeling indestructible
But living without a plan
I was looking for an angel
To cure my mind.
I was looking for an angel
To cure my mind.
The meaninglessness of life can get you down
Ever searching the night for a soul to share
Never questioning the answers you are eating
Or stopping to notice
Ever searching the night for a soul to share
Never questioning the answers you are eating
Or stopping to notice
That your insides are bleeding.
This incredible thirst we feel
This insatiable need for love
Walking with the vampires of unintended consequences
Of immortal thoughts
This incredible thirst we feel
This insatiable need for love
Walking with the vampires of unintended consequences
Of immortal thoughts
And misguided offenses.
Standing in lines and lighting a smoke
Numbing my soul and warming my blood
A sweet electric pulse from my head to my toes
For a moment I remember
Standing in lines and lighting a smoke
Numbing my soul and warming my blood
A sweet electric pulse from my head to my toes
For a moment I remember
And start to compose.
This hunger for life we can’t seem to control
These thousands of glimpses we so eagerly stole
A burning heart and a warm pint of beer
In my memory still alive
This hunger for life we can’t seem to control
These thousands of glimpses we so eagerly stole
A burning heart and a warm pint of beer
In my memory still alive
Happy and dear.
Life can be brutal and it can be short
Looking for a reason to see the sun
Distracting ourselves with selfish pleasures
False as the glory and money we treasure.
Life can be brutal and it can be short
Looking for a reason to see the sun
Distracting ourselves with selfish pleasures
False as the glory and money we treasure.
A plastic cup and the sound of the tide
We went up to the rocks and she gave me a ride
The sound of tires and visions of hereafter
As my memory falls apart
We went up to the rocks and she gave me a ride
The sound of tires and visions of hereafter
As my memory falls apart
And goes tumbling after.
The darkness that falls upon the despondent
Is like a curtain call for hope
Blinded by the velvety folds
We try to hard and go for broke.
Cynical comments of the witty and vain
Anything to impress the one we’re with
At the foot of the little gods of vanity and pride
Shattered by the consequences
The darkness that falls upon the despondent
Is like a curtain call for hope
Blinded by the velvety folds
We try to hard and go for broke.
Cynical comments of the witty and vain
Anything to impress the one we’re with
At the foot of the little gods of vanity and pride
Shattered by the consequences
Of when she died.
I remember a cold ride in her jeep
Whipping the blankets
I remember a cold ride in her jeep
Whipping the blankets
We held over our heads
Curvy are the roads of fate we drive
Is it by chance or grace
Curvy are the roads of fate we drive
Is it by chance or grace
That we arrive?
I remember the crowded rooms
I remember the crowded rooms
Where our glasses clinked
I remember the bars were we laughed
I remember the bars were we laughed
And guzzled our drinks
The decisions we make in the glory of time
Are but fleeting moments of rebellious design.
This random love of conflicted emotions
A fickle heart of unremembered chances
Thinking I had forever to make up my mind
Measured backwards and crumbling with time.
On the wings of eagles high above the ground
Full of the blood of satisfied desires
These tumultuous days of hedonistic pleasure
Consuming all in ravenous fires.
Me and my brothers I remember quite well
Stuck in a place between heaven and hell
This gift of life that we held so lightly
Fading fast after burning so brightly.
The colors of memory both red and blue
Neon lights and a face in my brain
I remember her clothes black as midnight
Her hair was dark and her dress was tight.
I wonder why I turned out this way
I wonder why I wasted the days
A nighttime world of the lost and lonely
Looking backwards and repeating “if only?”
Interrupted destiny I couldn’t have seen
That I would ever sit down and write
Putting away the little gods one by one
And picking up the pieces
The decisions we make in the glory of time
Are but fleeting moments of rebellious design.
This random love of conflicted emotions
A fickle heart of unremembered chances
Thinking I had forever to make up my mind
Measured backwards and crumbling with time.
On the wings of eagles high above the ground
Full of the blood of satisfied desires
These tumultuous days of hedonistic pleasure
Consuming all in ravenous fires.
Me and my brothers I remember quite well
Stuck in a place between heaven and hell
This gift of life that we held so lightly
Fading fast after burning so brightly.
The colors of memory both red and blue
Neon lights and a face in my brain
I remember her clothes black as midnight
Her hair was dark and her dress was tight.
I wonder why I turned out this way
I wonder why I wasted the days
A nighttime world of the lost and lonely
Looking backwards and repeating “if only?”
Interrupted destiny I couldn’t have seen
That I would ever sit down and write
Putting away the little gods one by one
And picking up the pieces
Bleached out by the sun.
I write for reasons I still don’t know
Given this grace without deserving
I’ve learned patience through trial and suffering
All for my own good
I write for reasons I still don’t know
Given this grace without deserving
I’ve learned patience through trial and suffering
All for my own good
But still underserving.
The chances of these words coming out in my hand
Beyond the measure of the grains of sand
This growing of heart and soul
Forward fast towards a predestined goal.
I’ve paid the price for my mistakes
I should have prayed for guidance
Now I listen and can hear the voice
Guiding me always to the wiser choice.
Unselfish love without any cause
Generosity of spirit and forgiveness of heart
Giving without expectation
Without knowing
Beyond the measure of the grains of sand
This growing of heart and soul
Forward fast towards a predestined goal.
I’ve paid the price for my mistakes
I should have prayed for guidance
Now I listen and can hear the voice
Guiding me always to the wiser choice.
Unselfish love without any cause
Generosity of spirit and forgiveness of heart
Giving without expectation
Without knowing
The end from the start.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Long black cars
This is another old one, probably from 2004 or 2005
Long black cars
Up and over the bridge to the left
And thirty six more miles to go
Through a staggered patchwork of frozen fields
And battered farmhouses scoured by wind
An old black jacket and a bottle of gin.
Ghostly trees of Washington park
Haunting and still
Naked and empty, dark and gray
Branches twisting high and low
Thorny and black they sway and grow.
Seventeen minutes past the last bell toll
Echoes and ashes scatter in the wind
Slowly rolling long and black
Asphalt and metal pops and cracks.
I can’t feel much
Can’t feel anything at all
A beautiful empty silence about my feet
Passing me over the noiseless clouds
Wide open skies of discontented dreams.
Cold wet brick against my lips
I’ve walked here many times
Unencumbered where my thoughts can wander
Secret passages of smoke and mirrors
Rootless as tumbleweeds sideways blowing
Liquid black horizon of half hidden fears.
Cold enough to see my breath
Catching up fast and right behind you
Purposeful steps deliberate and unwavering
Forward this tired heart drives me
The taste of blood in my mouth
Not enough to ward off the chill
Nothing to prove and nothing to lose
And no time left to worry or kill.
The Church bell marks the degrees of rotation
But each look has stopped the same
Fully alive but for a moment much better
Than dead to feeling and alive and well.
I want to run until I forget
And sleep by the beating waves
Diving beneath the surface of green mystery
The colors of spring exploding around me
Rocks and water, earth and sand
Far away where the cattails rustle
Reedy wisps of memory abound
Sinking my fingers in the cool damp ground.
Walking alone at McDaniel farm
Through the towers of twisted trees
Secluded meadows so beautifully framed
By dense thickets of brown and gray.
Free association of linear progression
From moment to movement
Peaceful as the running waters
Eternal as the tides and moon
This rest I feel on every side
The peace the ages to merge and divide.
Scatter my ashes after dark
And bury my bones in pieces
Pour the gin after my blood
And mix it well into the mud.
At Bonaventure my body will rest
Under the ancient trees
But do not weep for one who’s lost
For another has paid my debts
Do not fear the wages of earth
For another has endured the cost.
I shall raise the red lantern
And press my heart to beat again
I shall wear the white robe
Walking home foot to ground
They will search and search
But their name will not be found
Yesterday I was a lion
Today I am a lamb
Tomorrow I shall be a secret
Until this fruit has ripened
Proved and tasted as planned.
Walking the last mile in the distance
My heart in my hands at your feet
I’ve only left what matters
All else lost on the way.
These human hands large and fumbling
Broken visage of alabaster stone
Inviolable the spirit and sacred the heart
Laid open in the end
And fully known from the start.
Long black cars
Up and over the bridge to the left
And thirty six more miles to go
Through a staggered patchwork of frozen fields
And battered farmhouses scoured by wind
An old black jacket and a bottle of gin.
Ghostly trees of Washington park
Haunting and still
Naked and empty, dark and gray
Branches twisting high and low
Thorny and black they sway and grow.
Seventeen minutes past the last bell toll
Echoes and ashes scatter in the wind
Slowly rolling long and black
Asphalt and metal pops and cracks.
I can’t feel much
Can’t feel anything at all
A beautiful empty silence about my feet
Passing me over the noiseless clouds
Wide open skies of discontented dreams.
Cold wet brick against my lips
I’ve walked here many times
Unencumbered where my thoughts can wander
Secret passages of smoke and mirrors
Rootless as tumbleweeds sideways blowing
Liquid black horizon of half hidden fears.
Cold enough to see my breath
Catching up fast and right behind you
Purposeful steps deliberate and unwavering
Forward this tired heart drives me
The taste of blood in my mouth
Not enough to ward off the chill
Nothing to prove and nothing to lose
And no time left to worry or kill.
The Church bell marks the degrees of rotation
But each look has stopped the same
Fully alive but for a moment much better
Than dead to feeling and alive and well.
I want to run until I forget
And sleep by the beating waves
Diving beneath the surface of green mystery
The colors of spring exploding around me
Rocks and water, earth and sand
Far away where the cattails rustle
Reedy wisps of memory abound
Sinking my fingers in the cool damp ground.
Walking alone at McDaniel farm
Through the towers of twisted trees
Secluded meadows so beautifully framed
By dense thickets of brown and gray.
Free association of linear progression
From moment to movement
Peaceful as the running waters
Eternal as the tides and moon
This rest I feel on every side
The peace the ages to merge and divide.
Scatter my ashes after dark
And bury my bones in pieces
Pour the gin after my blood
And mix it well into the mud.
At Bonaventure my body will rest
Under the ancient trees
But do not weep for one who’s lost
For another has paid my debts
Do not fear the wages of earth
For another has endured the cost.
I shall raise the red lantern
And press my heart to beat again
I shall wear the white robe
Walking home foot to ground
They will search and search
But their name will not be found
Yesterday I was a lion
Today I am a lamb
Tomorrow I shall be a secret
Until this fruit has ripened
Proved and tasted as planned.
Walking the last mile in the distance
My heart in my hands at your feet
I’ve only left what matters
All else lost on the way.
These human hands large and fumbling
Broken visage of alabaster stone
Inviolable the spirit and sacred the heart
Laid open in the end
And fully known from the start.
Up and over the bridge to the left
And thirty six more miles to go
Through a staggered patchwork of frozen fields
And battered farmhouses scoured by wind
An old black jacket and a bottle of gin.
Ghostly trees of Washington park
Haunting and still
Naked and empty, dark and gray
Branches twisting high and low
Thorny and black they sway and grow.
Seventeen minutes past the last bell toll
Echoes and ashes scatter in the wind
Slowly rolling long and black
Asphalt and metal pops and cracks.
I can’t feel much
Can’t feel anything at all
A beautiful empty silence about my feet
Passing me over the noiseless clouds
Wide open skies of discontented dreams.
Cold wet brick against my lips
I’ve walked here many times
Unencumbered where my thoughts can wander
Secret passages of smoke and mirrors
Rootless as tumbleweeds sideways blowing
Liquid black horizon of half hidden fears.
Cold enough to see my breath
Catching up fast and right behind you
Purposeful steps deliberate and unwavering
Forward this tired heart drives me
The taste of blood in my mouth
Not enough to ward off the chill
Nothing to prove and nothing to lose
And no time left to worry or kill.
The Church bell marks the degrees of rotation
But each look has stopped the same
Fully alive but for a moment much better
Than dead to feeling and alive and well.
I want to run until I forget
And sleep by the beating waves
Diving beneath the surface of green mystery
The colors of spring exploding around me
Rocks and water, earth and sand
Far away where the cattails rustle
Reedy wisps of memory abound
Sinking my fingers in the cool damp ground.
Walking alone at McDaniel farm
Through the towers of twisted trees
Secluded meadows so beautifully framed
By dense thickets of brown and gray.
Free association of linear progression
From moment to movement
Peaceful as the running waters
Eternal as the tides and moon
This rest I feel on every side
The peace the ages to merge and divide.
Scatter my ashes after dark
And bury my bones in pieces
Pour the gin after my blood
And mix it well into the mud.
At Bonaventure my body will rest
Under the ancient trees
But do not weep for one who’s lost
For another has paid my debts
Do not fear the wages of earth
For another has endured the cost.
I shall raise the red lantern
And press my heart to beat again
I shall wear the white robe
Walking home foot to ground
They will search and search
But their name will not be found
Yesterday I was a lion
Today I am a lamb
Tomorrow I shall be a secret
Until this fruit has ripened
Proved and tasted as planned.
Walking the last mile in the distance
My heart in my hands at your feet
I’ve only left what matters
All else lost on the way.
These human hands large and fumbling
Broken visage of alabaster stone
Inviolable the spirit and sacred the heart
Laid open in the end
And fully known from the start.
Long black cars
Up and over the bridge to the left
And thirty six more miles to go
Through a staggered patchwork of frozen fields
And battered farmhouses scoured by wind
An old black jacket and a bottle of gin.
Ghostly trees of Washington park
Haunting and still
Naked and empty, dark and gray
Branches twisting high and low
Thorny and black they sway and grow.
Seventeen minutes past the last bell toll
Echoes and ashes scatter in the wind
Slowly rolling long and black
Asphalt and metal pops and cracks.
I can’t feel much
Can’t feel anything at all
A beautiful empty silence about my feet
Passing me over the noiseless clouds
Wide open skies of discontented dreams.
Cold wet brick against my lips
I’ve walked here many times
Unencumbered where my thoughts can wander
Secret passages of smoke and mirrors
Rootless as tumbleweeds sideways blowing
Liquid black horizon of half hidden fears.
Cold enough to see my breath
Catching up fast and right behind you
Purposeful steps deliberate and unwavering
Forward this tired heart drives me
The taste of blood in my mouth
Not enough to ward off the chill
Nothing to prove and nothing to lose
And no time left to worry or kill.
The Church bell marks the degrees of rotation
But each look has stopped the same
Fully alive but for a moment much better
Than dead to feeling and alive and well.
I want to run until I forget
And sleep by the beating waves
Diving beneath the surface of green mystery
The colors of spring exploding around me
Rocks and water, earth and sand
Far away where the cattails rustle
Reedy wisps of memory abound
Sinking my fingers in the cool damp ground.
Walking alone at McDaniel farm
Through the towers of twisted trees
Secluded meadows so beautifully framed
By dense thickets of brown and gray.
Free association of linear progression
From moment to movement
Peaceful as the running waters
Eternal as the tides and moon
This rest I feel on every side
The peace the ages to merge and divide.
Scatter my ashes after dark
And bury my bones in pieces
Pour the gin after my blood
And mix it well into the mud.
At Bonaventure my body will rest
Under the ancient trees
But do not weep for one who’s lost
For another has paid my debts
Do not fear the wages of earth
For another has endured the cost.
I shall raise the red lantern
And press my heart to beat again
I shall wear the white robe
Walking home foot to ground
They will search and search
But their name will not be found
Yesterday I was a lion
Today I am a lamb
Tomorrow I shall be a secret
Until this fruit has ripened
Proved and tasted as planned.
Walking the last mile in the distance
My heart in my hands at your feet
I’ve only left what matters
All else lost on the way.
These human hands large and fumbling
Broken visage of alabaster stone
Inviolable the spirit and sacred the heart
Laid open in the end
And fully known from the start.
A deeper shade of black
This a group of Poems I wrote last year. My favorite is the final one entitled "dark days" written as dated.
The last man standing 2/2/2010 10:17 am.
I stood there on the corner
All alone in the cold
No one bothered to wave
And no one bothered to care.
I could hardly believe it
I could have never done it myself
Killing the good and praising the evil
Just like I knew they would.
I knew it was coming
But I prayed for it to pass
The price so high and painful
That I could barely stand.
If a word could save me
What would it be?
And is it too late to try?
If no one cares at all.
If no one remembers
Did it ever happen at all?
And if no one cares
Will it ever be remembered?
I am alone
And no one calls or asks
Beaten, bloodied, but undefeated
And just waiting for the day.
My head was lowered
And I wanted to disappear
Where no one could find me
And they couldn’t see my shame.
I had asked but the answer was no
I told the truth, but it was ignored
I tried but the money disappeared
And I suffered but it was never enough.
I cannot ask anymore
And I have no one to argue
Silence is my plea
And misery my day
Treading water just above the surface
While my life drifted downstream
Facing yet another loss
And falling backwards into nothing.
The sun rises triumphantly
And the children laugh and pretend
How I wish I could give them more
But I have nothing left
Just one more drop of me
And I am gone.
Did you try to escape?
I know that you did
Soon you shall be free
Maybe with enough time
To know for yourself.
Maybe start anew
And find where you belong
Where ever it is
It’s better than what you have
No longer lying
And no longer bound.
So you think it’s all about doing
Where you went and what you have
But you forgot who is the judge
Forgetting who makes the rules
And who will make them stick.
Lie your way in
And lie your way out
Use this person then
And use another later.
Anyone available will do
A man, woman, or child
But you were the only taker
Just as dumb as you are smart.
If you are forgiven
Then why not me
And if the thief goes on living
Then why can’t I?
My hands are held back
And all my dreams destroyed
But inside the fire still burns
Consuming them whole.
The day will come
Unless I die in the middle
The day when everything comes down
And there is nothing left to hide.
I shall have it
And I do not fear the truth
Because I am just as guilty
But I know what that means
Making amends
And paying the price
Imperfect but real.
The old has died
And my heart is new
Burning with a passion
That lies can never kill.
I am ready
So say what you will
And yes, I am willing
So take what you want.
I am waiting for something
The perfect day and the perfect place
But just because it hasn’t happened
Doesn’t mean it never will.
They can hate
And they can harass
But I hear the clock ticking
And my heart is restless
Another sleepless night
Thinking about the day.
Surely it shall happen
Without warning, promise or threat
Because it’s not from me
And its authentic guaranteed.
Dead or alive
I will be there then
The last man standing
Just like I said I would.
I shall smile in the end
Because I’ve already read it through
After all else was taken
My one savior and friend.
I shall be there
And there is nothing you can do
A little dose of truth
Just like what I’ve swallowed.
Did you think it was funny?
And did you feel like you were safe?
That no one would ever know
And no judgment would ever come.
Did you believe the lies?
Or just the biggest one of all?
And are you ready for the end?
Closer than yesterday.
The more you struggle
The more you sink
And the more you try
The more that you kill.
For me it’s almost over
And for you it hasn’t even begun
But it’s not me you must fear
But the one you haven’t followed.
I saw the coward
And I knew it from the start
And how close I came to murder
That I could almost taste the blood.
It would have been easy
And my fury satisfied
What a fool to think he could survive
Just to steal what I had left
Never knowing that he would die.
But I cannot steal the glory
And it’s not my job to judge
That is for the father
The one who hears my cries.
He knew the number of my tears
And he saw my insides bleeding
He knew the sleepless hours
And all that I lost
Waiting for a reason
One I cannot know.
The days tick by slowly
So slowly we cannot see
Thinking we have forever
When it’s closer every day.
Here I am
And here I wait
Just waiting for the day
The world turns upside down
And dissolves in the fire.
Do not think its over
Because the good die
And evil reigns
Because even if I die
I’ll be standing that day.
Forever is the word
Long after this has passed
With much more than what was lost
Forever in my heart.
Room 317
Double diamond seventeen
Everywhere I look
All the numbers seem the same
All going up or all going down
And nothing is what is seems.
I left with a little
But came home with nothing
Surviving the days
Little by little
One day at a time.
I waited in the cold
So no one would know the time
Not for me but for others
All agreed in warmer climes.
The flight number added
And the seat number the same
The belt with my bags
All equaled seventeen.
The number kept coming
And its numerals switching place
Some kind of coincidence
All equaling the same.
I scribbled down some phrases
On the provided hotel room pad
Just a few before I forgot
In the fog of a sleepless night.
More has been considered
Then I’ll ever write down
And more has been thought
Then anyone can read.
So much more is the difference
Between the sum, average and code
Then even the clever or the rude
Can ever know or classify.
I am just a riddle
Just a secret in a shell
But they do not know me
And I know they never will.
Sleep comes slowly
But peaceful is the rest
Just another bed
And just another town.
The streets are busy
But I exchange a look or two
Familiar faces
That I have never seen before.
Seventeen lines
And seventeen words
Each letter a number
And each number a clue.
If you can’t figure it out
Then you are not looking
And if you think enough to ask
You already know.
It is there
Hidden in the plainest sight
The secrets and the future
All I ever needed to know.
The exact time, date, and place
The names, ages, and fates
Exactly as it was written
And exactly as it was planned.
I am a part
Just like you and the lost
Each one a part
And each one a chance.
For you if you read this
Maybe a place and a time
Before or after
Never to know until the end.
Looking backwards
Everything will make sense
Revealed to shock and horror
The warnings they never saw.
In plainest view it is written
But not everyone can see
It glimpses, dreams, and words
The truth is not as it seems.
Double diamond seventeen
A simple abstraction of space
Never before did I ever notice
What it meant before the end.
Something bigger and more profound
The past exactly repeated
Nothing hidden
But we keep on guessing
And doubting the truth.
The dating game 2/2/2010
Some kind of strange thought
Brings me to a different place
Somewhere not so dark
And somewhere not so dim.
A thought, sound, or a smell
And I am back once more
Back to a past once forgotten
But yet still there.
A world full of possibilities
Each life nuanced with love
Different people compatible or not
More than one perfect
And more than one flawed.
Of all the possibilities
Only one was me
So fatally scared by birth
Not much to choose at all.
The words were awkward
And I never felt sure
Still the same now as always
A little bit reserved and remote.
I was a daydreamer
Lost in impenetrable thoughts
And to think I was so stupid
That I could never hurt.
I never counted cigarettes
And I never counted drinks
Because I was always ahead
And I didn’t care at all.
I didn’t think they could understand
But it was my loss instead
Not bothering to really listen
To the passions that they once held.
I am not the only one
So why did I think that
Closely surveying every eye
But not knowing their heart.
It took such a long time
For me to know myself
But I cannot guess for others
What I never sought to find.
People pass by
And moments slip away
Because I never really lived them
Or allowed my heart to hear.
I had everything
But knew nothing
And I smashed everything
And carried nothing away.
I thought I was full of life
But my fangs were harmless
All my defenses wasted
For a life I never lived.
Like a lamb to the slaughter
I willingly went along
Never guarding the back door
Because the front was closely guarded.
Along came love
But I never saw it coming
Alone at last
Now I know the truth.
The truth is hard to bear
And a vacant heart knows no rest
Unable to breathe
It withers and dies.
I am less than nothing
And all my plans evaporate
Like a puff a smoke
And her easy laughter
Gone before I could even know why.
I manage a laugh
At my own words of waste
At my own foolish pride
Gone away and happy.
I wonder if maybe its better
Maybe I spared some a bitter split
When they got to know me
And what a man I was.
But I did not spare my pain
For I’ve felt it every day
Bleeding me pale as a ghost
And writhing in every pang.
Small talk is for kids
Who have all the time in the world
And I’ve grown old wasting
Whatever time I had.
Go away girl
But don’t hurt me on the way
Life is too short for just a joke
And I’m too weak to fight.
I sat there just watching
And for the first time I knew
That everything was wasted
And I was almost done.
If I could say something witty
Maybe it could save the night
But now the words escape
And all I want is sleep.
My love doesn’t matter
Because by the time I found it
There was no one to know
And by the time I understood
All I could feel was pain.
My tears have welled and fallen
And my memories I can only dread
Please run while you still can
Because it’s no use to build a life
With someone who’s dead.
A state of fear 2/2/2010 1:17 pm
I remember the night
And I didn’t start a thing
Just dropping off my son
The one I never knew I’d have.
There he was the freakish cause
An out of place intruder
Going where he shouldn’t have been
Unable to be alone
He had to move right over
How weird and how needy.
He made a strange wave
An unnecessary gesture
But expected none the less
And all I did was call and ask
Whatever was his problem.
I said goodbye and gave what I had
I should have known right then
That soon I’d lose my son
The one I loved without any rights
Just a matter of time.
He came out walking
A strange and awkward fraud
Giving no ground I told him to stop
But all he did was lie again.
He was so repulsive and inept
He words inappropriate and weak
How I remembered how it felt
The creeps running up my spine.
Coming up behind me
To give me a massage
Just like my wife once did
The one he wanted to steal.
He would have taken me
Because he didn’t know love
He only wanted an escape
And one with a job.
“You can put your head on my shoulder”
He said on the bus
How it gave me the creeps
But for him it was the norm
So I never said a word.
Now the strangeness has a pattern
Anything to get what he wanted
More money and more things
More vacations and more shallow dreams.
I didn’t know how to act
That night I found the message
So foreign and childlike
Bizarre and unreal.
How could something so great
Be taken by something so small?
And how could someone so smart
Be fooled by someone so shallow?
Like those killed by an earthquake
Shock and puzzlement on their faces
I stood there at such a sight
Half a man and half a person
All dressed up to steal.
He lied again
And I offered
Ready to do what I must
But I already knew what he wanted
Just what I wanted to do.
He would leave but always come back
But I never gave an inch
I asked for him to start
Just so I could finish.
He wanted me to strike him
But that was not what I wanted
For I could never strike without killing
And no doubt he didn’t understand.
I was ready
For how could I feel remorse
For such a aberration
I had never seen
Such a horrible creeping lie.
I tried to make myself do it
Oh how I wanted to crush
Not for revenge and not to steal
But just to punish and remove.
If God could forgive others
Then why not me?
And if others could ruin my life
Then why couldn’t I finish theirs.
I rushed forward and I knew what to do
So much better, it wouldn’t even be close
Gorging on blood and stopping his mouth
Taking out his eyes and crushing through the neck.
Yes it would have been easy
But what a fool I beheld
As if he could survive and call me crazy
When we all know who is.
I stopped at the last second
Before my hands ripped the flesh
A stupid weak look is all he had
Bracing for what he wanted.
I have seen some stupid people
But never have I seen such a fool
Gambling with lives to get what he wanted
And just about to lose his own.
Fear has a place
And I can see it deep within
But its not me that he should fear
Because what is coming is worse.
God let me just observe
Let me see the day and the place
Let me stand again but not alone
Bring down your hand against this mocker
For he isn’t the first who would usurp
And he isn’t the first to lie.
Here’s to blood in your mouth
And death in your eyes
Because that’s whats coming
But not just from memory
But all the way to hell.
Dark Days 2/2/2010 2:00 pm
I came across dark days
Struck down in the middle
And there is no going back
Mortally wounded
But still alive to see
All that I ever wanted
Turned and stolen from me.
I have waited for so very long
Some days patient and some days not
I have prayed but heard no answer
And I have cried but had no shoulder.
My world grew darker
And I tried so hard to forget
But I could never drink enough
And I could never really sleep.
My thoughts raced forward
And all I saw was loss
While my all hopes crumbled
Piece by piece and person by person.
“Was it not enough!” I cried out
But silence was all I heard
As less and less I saw them
All the people that I loved.
Does true love steal?
And how can it ever lie?
After all I didn’t need to make up
The things I did before.
Had I made mistakes?
God knows that I have
But did it qualify for this loss?
And can this death be just?
Can my world get any blacker?
And will this night ever end?
While God keeps his silence
And I restlessly wait.
I know my mistakes
How could I ever forget
Back in the prison I put myself
The one I built with my hands.
No one understands
And no one knows this hurt
The kind that won’t let you go
And all you can do is cry.
I picked up the couch with just one hand
And threw it back down again
And I broke the glass on the patio
Smashing the soldiers on the cement.
The drugs didn’t help
And the booze didn’t either
Just a black mask to cover the pain
But they never worked for long.
More and more I tired
But nothing was ever enough
Food lost its taste
And I was almost dead.
I looked in the mirror
And I was just a ghost
My fire gone out
And my words slurred and angry.
I was ready to die
And nothing else mattered
I searched for a reason to live
But found less and less.
I thought about calling
But what could anyone do
When it’s easier killing yourself
Than bringing anyone down.
My clothes didn’t fit
Because I couldn’t eat
And I thought about the end
And I knew I was done.
I felt so fucking sorry
But didn’t know what I had done
Like somehow all this happened
Because of some flaw or fault.
Once I consumed all I saw
And once I carried all before me
Hurtling myself as fast as I could
And breaking everything in the way.
I was immortal
And I could never hurt
A safe and rocky tower
Never knowing the end.
But somehow something happened
And somehow evil got in
Stabbing me through the heart
And then with just a little sting
I was dead.
All was lost before my eyes
Every single member of my life
Little by little torn away
Just for greed and just to hurt.
I lived my life at full throttle speed
But now it slowed to a halt
And my engine burst and died
All my money and all my options
Gone in a moment
And gone forever.
Then just when I needed it most
All decency was abandoned
And the final blow delivered
Too weak to respond
I had to die again.
It’s useless to ask for pity
And it’s foolish to waste away
But I had run out of ideas
And no one could care.
Deep down we know
And it’s not a big surprise
But when it happens
We act shocked
And run the other way.
I drank and I drugged
And I loved and destroyed
Lost without a hope
And dead without a fight.
Dark days may end
But I can’t see it yet
Better to live and be happy
Than dread what never comes.
If I could go back
I don’t know what I would do
Because there are no easy answers
And I still don’t know what love is.
Please don’t think you need an answer
Because you shouldn’t waste your time
But rather enjoy the present
And love it with all your heart.
I stood there on the corner
All alone in the cold
No one bothered to wave
And no one bothered to care.
I could hardly believe it
I could have never done it myself
Killing the good and praising the evil
Just like I knew they would.
I knew it was coming
But I prayed for it to pass
The price so high and painful
That I could barely stand.
If a word could save me
What would it be?
And is it too late to try?
If no one cares at all.
If no one remembers
Did it ever happen at all?
And if no one cares
Will it ever be remembered?
I am alone
And no one calls or asks
Beaten, bloodied, but undefeated
And just waiting for the day.
My head was lowered
And I wanted to disappear
Where no one could find me
And they couldn’t see my shame.
I had asked but the answer was no
I told the truth, but it was ignored
I tried but the money disappeared
And I suffered but it was never enough.
I cannot ask anymore
And I have no one to argue
Silence is my plea
And misery my day
Treading water just above the surface
While my life drifted downstream
Facing yet another loss
And falling backwards into nothing.
The sun rises triumphantly
And the children laugh and pretend
How I wish I could give them more
But I have nothing left
Just one more drop of me
And I am gone.
Did you try to escape?
I know that you did
Soon you shall be free
Maybe with enough time
To know for yourself.
Maybe start anew
And find where you belong
Where ever it is
It’s better than what you have
No longer lying
And no longer bound.
So you think it’s all about doing
Where you went and what you have
But you forgot who is the judge
Forgetting who makes the rules
And who will make them stick.
Lie your way in
And lie your way out
Use this person then
And use another later.
Anyone available will do
A man, woman, or child
But you were the only taker
Just as dumb as you are smart.
If you are forgiven
Then why not me
And if the thief goes on living
Then why can’t I?
My hands are held back
And all my dreams destroyed
But inside the fire still burns
Consuming them whole.
The day will come
Unless I die in the middle
The day when everything comes down
And there is nothing left to hide.
I shall have it
And I do not fear the truth
Because I am just as guilty
But I know what that means
Making amends
And paying the price
Imperfect but real.
The old has died
And my heart is new
Burning with a passion
That lies can never kill.
I am ready
So say what you will
And yes, I am willing
So take what you want.
I am waiting for something
The perfect day and the perfect place
But just because it hasn’t happened
Doesn’t mean it never will.
They can hate
And they can harass
But I hear the clock ticking
And my heart is restless
Another sleepless night
Thinking about the day.
Surely it shall happen
Without warning, promise or threat
Because it’s not from me
And its authentic guaranteed.
Dead or alive
I will be there then
The last man standing
Just like I said I would.
I shall smile in the end
Because I’ve already read it through
After all else was taken
My one savior and friend.
I shall be there
And there is nothing you can do
A little dose of truth
Just like what I’ve swallowed.
Did you think it was funny?
And did you feel like you were safe?
That no one would ever know
And no judgment would ever come.
Did you believe the lies?
Or just the biggest one of all?
And are you ready for the end?
Closer than yesterday.
The more you struggle
The more you sink
And the more you try
The more that you kill.
For me it’s almost over
And for you it hasn’t even begun
But it’s not me you must fear
But the one you haven’t followed.
I saw the coward
And I knew it from the start
And how close I came to murder
That I could almost taste the blood.
It would have been easy
And my fury satisfied
What a fool to think he could survive
Just to steal what I had left
Never knowing that he would die.
But I cannot steal the glory
And it’s not my job to judge
That is for the father
The one who hears my cries.
He knew the number of my tears
And he saw my insides bleeding
He knew the sleepless hours
And all that I lost
Waiting for a reason
One I cannot know.
The days tick by slowly
So slowly we cannot see
Thinking we have forever
When it’s closer every day.
Here I am
And here I wait
Just waiting for the day
The world turns upside down
And dissolves in the fire.
Do not think its over
Because the good die
And evil reigns
Because even if I die
I’ll be standing that day.
Forever is the word
Long after this has passed
With much more than what was lost
Forever in my heart.
Room 317
Double diamond seventeen
Everywhere I look
All the numbers seem the same
All going up or all going down
And nothing is what is seems.
I left with a little
But came home with nothing
Surviving the days
Little by little
One day at a time.
I waited in the cold
So no one would know the time
Not for me but for others
All agreed in warmer climes.
The flight number added
And the seat number the same
The belt with my bags
All equaled seventeen.
The number kept coming
And its numerals switching place
Some kind of coincidence
All equaling the same.
I scribbled down some phrases
On the provided hotel room pad
Just a few before I forgot
In the fog of a sleepless night.
More has been considered
Then I’ll ever write down
And more has been thought
Then anyone can read.
So much more is the difference
Between the sum, average and code
Then even the clever or the rude
Can ever know or classify.
I am just a riddle
Just a secret in a shell
But they do not know me
And I know they never will.
Sleep comes slowly
But peaceful is the rest
Just another bed
And just another town.
The streets are busy
But I exchange a look or two
Familiar faces
That I have never seen before.
Seventeen lines
And seventeen words
Each letter a number
And each number a clue.
If you can’t figure it out
Then you are not looking
And if you think enough to ask
You already know.
It is there
Hidden in the plainest sight
The secrets and the future
All I ever needed to know.
The exact time, date, and place
The names, ages, and fates
Exactly as it was written
And exactly as it was planned.
I am a part
Just like you and the lost
Each one a part
And each one a chance.
For you if you read this
Maybe a place and a time
Before or after
Never to know until the end.
Looking backwards
Everything will make sense
Revealed to shock and horror
The warnings they never saw.
In plainest view it is written
But not everyone can see
It glimpses, dreams, and words
The truth is not as it seems.
Double diamond seventeen
A simple abstraction of space
Never before did I ever notice
What it meant before the end.
Something bigger and more profound
The past exactly repeated
Nothing hidden
But we keep on guessing
And doubting the truth.
The dating game 2/2/2010
Some kind of strange thought
Brings me to a different place
Somewhere not so dark
And somewhere not so dim.
A thought, sound, or a smell
And I am back once more
Back to a past once forgotten
But yet still there.
A world full of possibilities
Each life nuanced with love
Different people compatible or not
More than one perfect
And more than one flawed.
Of all the possibilities
Only one was me
So fatally scared by birth
Not much to choose at all.
The words were awkward
And I never felt sure
Still the same now as always
A little bit reserved and remote.
I was a daydreamer
Lost in impenetrable thoughts
And to think I was so stupid
That I could never hurt.
I never counted cigarettes
And I never counted drinks
Because I was always ahead
And I didn’t care at all.
I didn’t think they could understand
But it was my loss instead
Not bothering to really listen
To the passions that they once held.
I am not the only one
So why did I think that
Closely surveying every eye
But not knowing their heart.
It took such a long time
For me to know myself
But I cannot guess for others
What I never sought to find.
People pass by
And moments slip away
Because I never really lived them
Or allowed my heart to hear.
I had everything
But knew nothing
And I smashed everything
And carried nothing away.
I thought I was full of life
But my fangs were harmless
All my defenses wasted
For a life I never lived.
Like a lamb to the slaughter
I willingly went along
Never guarding the back door
Because the front was closely guarded.
Along came love
But I never saw it coming
Alone at last
Now I know the truth.
The truth is hard to bear
And a vacant heart knows no rest
Unable to breathe
It withers and dies.
I am less than nothing
And all my plans evaporate
Like a puff a smoke
And her easy laughter
Gone before I could even know why.
I manage a laugh
At my own words of waste
At my own foolish pride
Gone away and happy.
I wonder if maybe its better
Maybe I spared some a bitter split
When they got to know me
And what a man I was.
But I did not spare my pain
For I’ve felt it every day
Bleeding me pale as a ghost
And writhing in every pang.
Small talk is for kids
Who have all the time in the world
And I’ve grown old wasting
Whatever time I had.
Go away girl
But don’t hurt me on the way
Life is too short for just a joke
And I’m too weak to fight.
I sat there just watching
And for the first time I knew
That everything was wasted
And I was almost done.
If I could say something witty
Maybe it could save the night
But now the words escape
And all I want is sleep.
My love doesn’t matter
Because by the time I found it
There was no one to know
And by the time I understood
All I could feel was pain.
My tears have welled and fallen
And my memories I can only dread
Please run while you still can
Because it’s no use to build a life
With someone who’s dead.
A state of fear 2/2/2010 1:17 pm
I remember the night
And I didn’t start a thing
Just dropping off my son
The one I never knew I’d have.
There he was the freakish cause
An out of place intruder
Going where he shouldn’t have been
Unable to be alone
He had to move right over
How weird and how needy.
He made a strange wave
An unnecessary gesture
But expected none the less
And all I did was call and ask
Whatever was his problem.
I said goodbye and gave what I had
I should have known right then
That soon I’d lose my son
The one I loved without any rights
Just a matter of time.
He came out walking
A strange and awkward fraud
Giving no ground I told him to stop
But all he did was lie again.
He was so repulsive and inept
He words inappropriate and weak
How I remembered how it felt
The creeps running up my spine.
Coming up behind me
To give me a massage
Just like my wife once did
The one he wanted to steal.
He would have taken me
Because he didn’t know love
He only wanted an escape
And one with a job.
“You can put your head on my shoulder”
He said on the bus
How it gave me the creeps
But for him it was the norm
So I never said a word.
Now the strangeness has a pattern
Anything to get what he wanted
More money and more things
More vacations and more shallow dreams.
I didn’t know how to act
That night I found the message
So foreign and childlike
Bizarre and unreal.
How could something so great
Be taken by something so small?
And how could someone so smart
Be fooled by someone so shallow?
Like those killed by an earthquake
Shock and puzzlement on their faces
I stood there at such a sight
Half a man and half a person
All dressed up to steal.
He lied again
And I offered
Ready to do what I must
But I already knew what he wanted
Just what I wanted to do.
He would leave but always come back
But I never gave an inch
I asked for him to start
Just so I could finish.
He wanted me to strike him
But that was not what I wanted
For I could never strike without killing
And no doubt he didn’t understand.
I was ready
For how could I feel remorse
For such a aberration
I had never seen
Such a horrible creeping lie.
I tried to make myself do it
Oh how I wanted to crush
Not for revenge and not to steal
But just to punish and remove.
If God could forgive others
Then why not me?
And if others could ruin my life
Then why couldn’t I finish theirs.
I rushed forward and I knew what to do
So much better, it wouldn’t even be close
Gorging on blood and stopping his mouth
Taking out his eyes and crushing through the neck.
Yes it would have been easy
But what a fool I beheld
As if he could survive and call me crazy
When we all know who is.
I stopped at the last second
Before my hands ripped the flesh
A stupid weak look is all he had
Bracing for what he wanted.
I have seen some stupid people
But never have I seen such a fool
Gambling with lives to get what he wanted
And just about to lose his own.
Fear has a place
And I can see it deep within
But its not me that he should fear
Because what is coming is worse.
God let me just observe
Let me see the day and the place
Let me stand again but not alone
Bring down your hand against this mocker
For he isn’t the first who would usurp
And he isn’t the first to lie.
Here’s to blood in your mouth
And death in your eyes
Because that’s whats coming
But not just from memory
But all the way to hell.
Dark Days 2/2/2010 2:00 pm
I came across dark days
Struck down in the middle
And there is no going back
Mortally wounded
But still alive to see
All that I ever wanted
Turned and stolen from me.
I have waited for so very long
Some days patient and some days not
I have prayed but heard no answer
And I have cried but had no shoulder.
My world grew darker
And I tried so hard to forget
But I could never drink enough
And I could never really sleep.
My thoughts raced forward
And all I saw was loss
While my all hopes crumbled
Piece by piece and person by person.
“Was it not enough!” I cried out
But silence was all I heard
As less and less I saw them
All the people that I loved.
Does true love steal?
And how can it ever lie?
After all I didn’t need to make up
The things I did before.
Had I made mistakes?
God knows that I have
But did it qualify for this loss?
And can this death be just?
Can my world get any blacker?
And will this night ever end?
While God keeps his silence
And I restlessly wait.
I know my mistakes
How could I ever forget
Back in the prison I put myself
The one I built with my hands.
No one understands
And no one knows this hurt
The kind that won’t let you go
And all you can do is cry.
I picked up the couch with just one hand
And threw it back down again
And I broke the glass on the patio
Smashing the soldiers on the cement.
The drugs didn’t help
And the booze didn’t either
Just a black mask to cover the pain
But they never worked for long.
More and more I tired
But nothing was ever enough
Food lost its taste
And I was almost dead.
I looked in the mirror
And I was just a ghost
My fire gone out
And my words slurred and angry.
I was ready to die
And nothing else mattered
I searched for a reason to live
But found less and less.
I thought about calling
But what could anyone do
When it’s easier killing yourself
Than bringing anyone down.
My clothes didn’t fit
Because I couldn’t eat
And I thought about the end
And I knew I was done.
I felt so fucking sorry
But didn’t know what I had done
Like somehow all this happened
Because of some flaw or fault.
Once I consumed all I saw
And once I carried all before me
Hurtling myself as fast as I could
And breaking everything in the way.
I was immortal
And I could never hurt
A safe and rocky tower
Never knowing the end.
But somehow something happened
And somehow evil got in
Stabbing me through the heart
And then with just a little sting
I was dead.
All was lost before my eyes
Every single member of my life
Little by little torn away
Just for greed and just to hurt.
I lived my life at full throttle speed
But now it slowed to a halt
And my engine burst and died
All my money and all my options
Gone in a moment
And gone forever.
Then just when I needed it most
All decency was abandoned
And the final blow delivered
Too weak to respond
I had to die again.
It’s useless to ask for pity
And it’s foolish to waste away
But I had run out of ideas
And no one could care.
Deep down we know
And it’s not a big surprise
But when it happens
We act shocked
And run the other way.
I drank and I drugged
And I loved and destroyed
Lost without a hope
And dead without a fight.
Dark days may end
But I can’t see it yet
Better to live and be happy
Than dread what never comes.
If I could go back
I don’t know what I would do
Because there are no easy answers
And I still don’t know what love is.
Please don’t think you need an answer
Because you shouldn’t waste your time
But rather enjoy the present
And love it with all your heart.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Rest In Peace
This is a poem I wrote in 2004 and it is still one of my favorites. I have never published it before and only sent it to few friends. Here it is, exactly as written in 2004. I have often thought of starting a blog called Rest In Peace, but I am not sure if the names are already taken.
Rest In Peace
A friend died yesterday in her sleep
Gone the same as the love I keep
Prayers falling silent as I hold back the tears
Gazing backward at the forgotten years.
Recovering from cancer in a hospital bed
Doctors searching for the reason she bled
Peacefully slipping into the waiting sleep
No time left to remember or weep.
Beautiful, alive and vibrant was she
Taken too young the same age as me
A husband and child cry alone in the night
Memories of laughter disappearing from sight.
I heard she was getting better and might be going home
Now she sleeps in a coffin free and alone
I hardly knew her it suddenly seems
Mere acquaintances minus hopes and dreams.
In my thoughts and meandering ways
Barely noticing the passing days
Love an afterthought in the back of my mind
Forgotten in the depths of the details I find.
Sleepless again I think of my days
The things I worry about on a temporary stay
Sleepless souls that wander the earth
Searching for the meaning of a random birth
Again and again I ask the same old questions
Again and again I whisper the same old confessions
Seeking the answers in my heart and mind
Aching for the peace I can never find.
Wondering again if I would live or die
Wondering again if it would matter why
Thinking of those I’ll leave behind
Do I have a reason or am I running blind?
I can remember standing in her doorway
Fumbling and not knowing what to say
What was wrong with my heart I keep thinking?
Silent as a ghost as I keep on drinking.
I remember the party at the beach
The wind was whipping as I touched her cheek
Time stood still for that day and week
The smell of the sea and the sand in our feet.
At her wedding I sat in the pew
We shared a glance or two
No need to talk or cry
She knew the reason why.
She seemed so happy that day
At least she had found her way
I sat there lonely and lost
Crushed by the weight of the cost.
Inside my heart I make a solemn vow
Uncertain the future from the here and now
Covered in blood from a dreaming trance
Was it me or just a random chance?
Wandering again to a half remembered past
Memories of when I saw her last
Grasping at the seconds disappearing fast
Much like the vodka in this empty glass.
Trying to find a still small voice
Wondering if I’ll ever make the choice
My faith in man long crumbled
Mourning a friend so sweet and humble.
I cry out in this night of despair
“Why not me” to the glass I swear
Love is the answer on the lips of the dead
And love was the bread on which Christ fed.
“I’m sorry” the words come out in a flood
“I love you” spills out along with the blood
“I prayed for you” dear friend
Why did you die? And why did it end?
I dreamed I felt your spirit flying above my bed
Was it really you or just the vodka instead?
I felt the shivers and I felt the fire
Running like a current in an electric wire.
I heard you whisper the words to my heart
Soft and sweet to a friend from the start
“Be calm and know I am fine”
“I shall see you again in a future time”.
Immortal spirits strangers to the world
Scanning the heavens for a truth unfurled.
Awakened again from their ghostly sleep
Full blooded soldiers rising from the deep.
Disembodied dreams of the lonely and lost
In parts and pieces of a woody cross
Resurrected with the broken and bruised
Redeemed with the weary, weak and abused
Ancient promise fulfilled in time
Hastening forward quickened by the sign
Descending from heaven on the chargers we ride
Legions of heaven in the sky divide.
I shall see you there I whisper in my dream
At the end of times when we put away our schemes
I remember your words and I remember your kiss
Time or distance cannot chain the love I miss.
Death cannot separate the bonds of love
Death cannot chain the spirits above
Now you are free of the pain you suffered
Unspoken as the words I never offered.
I can feel you right now in my heart
Blowing across my face like a breeze in the park
Electric needles that pierce my skin
Like your face and mischievous grin.
In the second life I hope to be your friend
Forgiven of the love I could never send
Reunited in a warm embrace
All pain and suffering forgotten and erased.
We grasp at the little puffs of time
I try to capture them in little words of rhyme
For all things must die in the end
Now you have my heart with the love I send.
A friend died yesterday in her sleep
Gone the same as the love I keep
Prayers falling silent as I hold back the tears
Gazing backward at the forgotten years.
Recovering from cancer in a hospital bed
Doctors searching for the reason she bled
Peacefully slipping into the waiting sleep
No time left to remember or weep.
Beautiful, alive and vibrant was she
Taken too young the same age as me
A husband and child cry alone in the night
Memories of laughter disappearing from sight.
I heard she was getting better and might be going home
Now she sleeps in a coffin free and alone
I hardly knew her it suddenly seems
Mere acquaintances minus hopes and dreams.
In my thoughts and meandering ways
Barely noticing the passing days
Love an afterthought in the back of my mind
Forgotten in the depths of the details I find.
Sleepless again I think of my days
The things I worry about on a temporary stay
Sleepless souls that wander the earth
Searching for the meaning of a random birth
Again and again I ask the same old questions
Again and again I whisper the same old confessions
Seeking the answers in my heart and mind
Aching for the peace I can never find.
Wondering again if I would live or die
Wondering again if it would matter why
Thinking of those I’ll leave behind
Do I have a reason or am I running blind?
I can remember standing in her doorway
Fumbling and not knowing what to say
What was wrong with my heart I keep thinking?
Silent as a ghost as I keep on drinking.
I remember the party at the beach
The wind was whipping as I touched her cheek
Time stood still for that day and week
The smell of the sea and the sand in our feet.
At her wedding I sat in the pew
We shared a glance or two
No need to talk or cry
She knew the reason why.
She seemed so happy that day
At least she had found her way
I sat there lonely and lost
Crushed by the weight of the cost.
Inside my heart I make a solemn vow
Uncertain the future from the here and now
Covered in blood from a dreaming trance
Was it me or just a random chance?
Wandering again to a half remembered past
Memories of when I saw her last
Grasping at the seconds disappearing fast
Much like the vodka in this empty glass.
Trying to find a still small voice
Wondering if I’ll ever make the choice
My faith in man long crumbled
Mourning a friend so sweet and humble.
I cry out in this night of despair
“Why not me” to the glass I swear
Love is the answer on the lips of the dead
And love was the bread on which Christ fed.
“I’m sorry” the words come out in a flood
“I love you” spills out along with the blood
“I prayed for you” dear friend
Why did you die? And why did it end?
I dreamed I felt your spirit flying above my bed
Was it really you or just the vodka instead?
I felt the shivers and I felt the fire
Running like a current in an electric wire.
I heard you whisper the words to my heart
Soft and sweet to a friend from the start
“Be calm and know I am fine”
“I shall see you again in a future time”.
Immortal spirits strangers to the world
Scanning the heavens for a truth unfurled.
Awakened again from their ghostly sleep
Full blooded soldiers rising from the deep.
Disembodied dreams of the lonely and lost
In parts and pieces of a woody cross
Resurrected with the broken and bruised
Redeemed with the weary, weak and abused
Ancient promise fulfilled in time
Hastening forward quickened by the sign
Descending from heaven on the chargers we ride
Legions of heaven in the sky divide.
I shall see you there I whisper in my dream
At the end of times when we put away our schemes
I remember your words and I remember your kiss
Time or distance cannot chain the love I miss.
Death cannot separate the bonds of love
Death cannot chain the spirits above
Now you are free of the pain you suffered
Unspoken as the words I never offered.
I can feel you right now in my heart
Blowing across my face like a breeze in the park
Electric needles that pierce my skin
Like your face and mischievous grin.
In the second life I hope to be your friend
Forgiven of the love I could never send
Reunited in a warm embrace
All pain and suffering forgotten and erased.
We grasp at the little puffs of time
I try to capture them in little words of rhyme
For all things must die in the end
Now you have my heart with the love I send.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Yesterdays-- Mid Day Dream
Day Dreamer 6/20/2011
In the middle of the day
And in the middle of a life
When the day finally comes
That we know
And finally understand.
That there is nothing unique
And that there is nothing special
In the middle of the day
And in the middle of a life
When the day finally comes
That we know
And finally understand.
That there is nothing unique
And that there is nothing special
That our life and our times
Are not about us at all.
That what we have lost
Will always matter more
Than what we have gained
And that what we love
Will always hurt.
We sit in the doldrums
And we brood about the loss
Wasting away the hours
No matter what we do.
I distract myself
With thoughts of whimsy
And dream
That I am immortal.
In my thoughts
I think of different lives
Ones in which I do not suffer
And never have to cry.
I think of brilliant crystal snowflakes
Falling through a white winter sky
Dancing around our faces
Like weightless diamonds.
I ride on black iron wings
And soar up into the heavens
Above the drudgery of the day
And the fear of tomorrow.
The world turns
Without thought or emotion
And we are left
Without explanation or remorse.
Babies are born
And people die
Growing together or growing apart
Never to question
And never to know.
I want more than this
But my debts are close behind
And I wonder what really matters
When everything else is gone.
My thoughts pass by
And I am happy but also sad
That life goes on and changes
No matter what we choose.
I have made my choices
And lived in wild emotion
Unthinking and stubborn
Unknowing and done.
No one can go back
And time splits apart
What no man can move
But for the smallest of chances
Where would I be.
Looking forward
The future is an impenetrable fog
Hiding all sorts of adventure
And death.
But the past becomes translucent
And every single word
And every single mistake
Become memories
Full of laughter
That stab at your heart.
But even this wasted folly
Shall not forever last
As it gives way to possibility
Where we shall laugh again.
Are not about us at all.
That what we have lost
Will always matter more
Than what we have gained
And that what we love
Will always hurt.
We sit in the doldrums
And we brood about the loss
Wasting away the hours
No matter what we do.
I distract myself
With thoughts of whimsy
And dream
That I am immortal.
In my thoughts
I think of different lives
Ones in which I do not suffer
And never have to cry.
I think of brilliant crystal snowflakes
Falling through a white winter sky
Dancing around our faces
Like weightless diamonds.
I ride on black iron wings
And soar up into the heavens
Above the drudgery of the day
And the fear of tomorrow.
The world turns
Without thought or emotion
And we are left
Without explanation or remorse.
Babies are born
And people die
Growing together or growing apart
Never to question
And never to know.
I want more than this
But my debts are close behind
And I wonder what really matters
When everything else is gone.
My thoughts pass by
And I am happy but also sad
That life goes on and changes
No matter what we choose.
I have made my choices
And lived in wild emotion
Unthinking and stubborn
Unknowing and done.
No one can go back
And time splits apart
What no man can move
But for the smallest of chances
Where would I be.
Looking forward
The future is an impenetrable fog
Hiding all sorts of adventure
And death.
But the past becomes translucent
And every single word
And every single mistake
Become memories
Full of laughter
That stab at your heart.
But even this wasted folly
Shall not forever last
As it gives way to possibility
Where we shall laugh again.
Monday, June 20, 2011
A poem regarding the death of Ryan Dunn
6/20/2011
For those we lose
Good friends we have had
And good friends we have lost
But all is not forgotten
That we once dreamed.
In death we are healed
And all our thoughts completed
Back to where we were supposed to be
Everywhere and everything.
There are dreams we haven’t lived
And there are lives we haven’t known
But it is here that we are planted
And it is here, where we have bled.
I stand and I breathe
And I can still hear
As the voices and the music
Echo throughout my life
Calling me back to the beginning
Where we played
In jubilant sun.
We are here for something
And we may fulfill it unknowing
But whether we live or die
There is life, and there is promise.
God was there
When I was made
In the dark
He knit my body.
One of a kind
But like so many
Just a vessel
And not a home.
But rather a journeyman
Who lives just to learn
In preparation for something
That is yet to come.
I have fallen
And I have returned
Bloody, beaten, and bruised
But still full of laughter
And still full of life.
My friends are with me
And they shall abide
Dwelling in the spirits
That rise in the night.
There are bigger things
Than what we have seen
And there are bigger places
Than what we have known.
A better place
And a true peace
The kind that does not demand
But knows.
We ride on wings of eagles
And we soar high and fast
Never touching the ground
Closer to God
Than man.
Even if I do not know
And even if I do not see
The days of glory shall return
When all of us
Were one.
We will drink purplish wine
And it will be rich and pure
Together forever
And laughing like pirates.
Good friends we have had
And good friends we have lost
But all is not forgotten
That we once dreamed.
In death we are healed
And all our thoughts completed
Back to where we were supposed to be
Everywhere and everything.
There are dreams we haven’t lived
And there are lives we haven’t known
But it is here that we are planted
And it is here, where we have bled.
I stand and I breathe
And I can still hear
As the voices and the music
Echo throughout my life
Calling me back to the beginning
Where we played
In jubilant sun.
We are here for something
And we may fulfill it unknowing
But whether we live or die
There is life, and there is promise.
God was there
When I was made
In the dark
He knit my body.
One of a kind
But like so many
Just a vessel
And not a home.
But rather a journeyman
Who lives just to learn
In preparation for something
That is yet to come.
I have fallen
And I have returned
Bloody, beaten, and bruised
But still full of laughter
And still full of life.
My friends are with me
And they shall abide
Dwelling in the spirits
That rise in the night.
There are bigger things
Than what we have seen
And there are bigger places
Than what we have known.
A better place
And a true peace
The kind that does not demand
But knows.
We ride on wings of eagles
And we soar high and fast
Never touching the ground
Closer to God
Than man.
Even if I do not know
And even if I do not see
The days of glory shall return
When all of us
Were one.
We will drink purplish wine
And it will be rich and pure
Together forever
And laughing like pirates.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Trading Faces
Trading faces 6/17/2011
We live on a mountain
But inside it’s full of air
While we just speculate
About a future
That’s not even there.
We pretend and we go
Amusing ourselves
With bland escapism
Reflexively living
And suffocating our souls.
We have borrowed
And we have begged
Digging in our feet
Just to keep
What we have.
But the foundation is crumbling
And the platform is burning
An unsustainable future
Just like we always knew.
One thing leads to another
And even a single ripple
Spreads out to every shore
Ever widening in their implications
Either for the best
Or for the worst.
God has been waiting
And God has been brooding
But the wait is almost over
And the end has already begun.
For every life
There is an end
And for everything that rises
There shall also be a fall.
For those who have lived
And for those who know
It shall not be a surprise
But for those who pretend
The fall shall be hard
And without end.
They have used up all their ideas
And they have lied every day
Building one upon another
Until no one knows the truth.
They have manipulated
And they have controlled
Using up every moment
Always planning and always striving
Just to keep
What was never theirs.
When their house is broken
They shall fall hard
Without anyone left to protect them
The whole truth will be known.
The truth is greater than lies
And these words are like iron
Crashing down upon their head
With every dream
And every night.
Higher and higher I shall go
And then I will dive down
Gathering speed with every meter
Because my spirit will not be stopped
By wood, brick, or glass
Screaming downward
Through the walls.
The truth is coming
And the price will be paid
No matter the distance
It travels close behind.
But for a few dollars
What hell have we seen
And what will we say
When our comfort
Must be explained.
Cruelty and manipulation
Are not strength
And duplicitous efforts
Are fake and insincere.
Because its not what you do
Or even where you go
Because we are who we are
And that cannot change.
Even a fool
Can tell what is fake
And even the dreamers
Can sense something is wrong.
When every person
Has the same opinion
Then you have found something rare
Something you cannot deny
Universal and true.
If they had no money
Why exactly was that
Because I know the reason
And the cause.
Our lives have switched
And the world is upside down
But the fire still burns
Unintended and out of control.
I am poor but I am not worthless
And what was started
Is not over yet
Because the flames are spreading
And there is nothing you can do.
There are some things
That you just shouldn’t do
Because there is a price to be paid
Too great for any to bear.
An honest man was interrupted
With malice and disrespect
And that was the day
And that was the hour
That the die was caste
And the sentence delivered.
The fire is burning
And the iron is hot
Up above I can see a wasteland
The one that is to come.
They have manipulated
And they have controlled
Using up every moment
Always planning and always striving
Just to keep
What was never theirs.
When their house is broken
They shall fall hard
Without anyone left to protect them
The whole truth will be known.
The truth is greater than lies
And these words are like iron
Crashing down upon their head
With every dream
And every night.
Higher and higher I shall go
And then I will dive down
Gathering speed with every meter
Because my spirit will not be stopped
By wood, brick, or glass
Screaming downward
Through the walls.
The truth is coming
And the price will be paid
No matter the distance
It travels close behind.
But for a few dollars
What hell have we seen
And what will we say
When our comfort
Must be explained.
Cruelty and manipulation
Are not strength
And duplicitous efforts
Are fake and insincere.
Because its not what you do
Or even where you go
Because we are who we are
And that cannot change.
Even a fool
Can tell what is fake
And even the dreamers
Can sense something is wrong.
When every person
Has the same opinion
Then you have found something rare
Something you cannot deny
Universal and true.
If they had no money
Why exactly was that
Because I know the reason
And the cause.
Our lives have switched
And the world is upside down
But the fire still burns
Unintended and out of control.
I am poor but I am not worthless
And what was started
Is not over yet
Because the flames are spreading
And there is nothing you can do.
There are some things
That you just shouldn’t do
Because there is a price to be paid
Too great for any to bear.
An honest man was interrupted
With malice and disrespect
And that was the day
And that was the hour
That the die was caste
And the sentence delivered.
The fire is burning
And the iron is hot
Up above I can see a wasteland
The one that is to come.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Age of Iron
Age of Iron 6/13/2011
Gold, Silver, Bronze or Iron
For each an age
And for each a reason
For men made of clay
And angels made of iron.
The tail leads the head
And the bottom rules the mind
As the world spins upside down
And backwards
Out of season
And out of time.
Men are divided into fractions
And act only to serve themselves
Grasping at whatever is left
Just to have
What they cannot keep.
We are Spoon fed
And divided up for slaughter
Still full of potential
But we are dumbed down
Wasted and dead.
As predictable as the sun
The dreams they want us to buy
And they portray men
With inverted truth
Transposing the good and the bad
Just like they wish they were.
But their king is a fraud
And evil men taunt the good
Anything to injure
And anything to steal.
They do not miss a chance
And they do not give up a dime
Because they worship themselves
And die every day.
The do not give a thing
And they do not help the dying
They just look the other way
And blame someone else.
They do not acknowledge their fault
And they grasp tightly
At their treasure
But it will all turn to dust
And run between their fingers.
He who watches also knows
The difference between
The inside and out
And he who knows where to look
Shall also see the truth.
But by their cruelty
You shall know the doomed
And on their heads
Shall fall the fire
And also the shame.
For they have injured the good
And stolen from the poor
Mocking God
And taunting the faithful.
God shall not wait forever
He is alive and watching
Just across the threshold
Of cross dimensional vision
Disgusted by our contempt
And tired of our derision.
My wings dig deep
And I glide in my thoughts
Following the path
That is familiar
Back across where I have been
And to places I’ve never seen.
I can see it clearly
And I know where to go
Coming to take what is owed
With my hands and my teeth.
The nights of terror have begun
And there is no end in sight
Getting worse and worse
Until the sky splits in two.
The world is dying
And its death throes are mighty
Heaving wind, water and earth
Higher and higher.
The fires burn
And the animals run
Because they can sense
What man cannot
That something is wrong
So they squeal in fear.
The flames are burning hotter
But outside it’s colder than ever
As all the engines grind on
Speeding up or slowing down.
There are things you cannot see
And there are murders
And horrors unspoken
And we stand by unprotected
Governed with contempt
By statists and liars.
We stand by
And know what to do
But we cower at mere words
While the few
Shout down the many.
It is time to stay awake
And it is time to be ready
Because time is speeding up
And no one can slow it down.
We have looked for answers
And cherry picked our justifications
But life is not multiple choice
And the truth is crystal clear.
We lost paradise
Before we even knew it
And now they talk of utopia
But don’t’ have a clue.
I have made up my mind
And there is no turning back
Not by word or by cunning
Can man ever hide
From what he is
Or what he has done.
It’s time to break the surface
And its time to break this silence
Rising up to take the bloody banner
And charge forward screaming
Straight at the enemy
And into hell.
Faith is not a phase
That we try on for awhile
Abandoned because of hardship
Or forgotten by blessing.
Because it is better to be real
Than it is to be safe
And that it is better to stand
Than it is to run.
Yes there is good
And yes there is evil
Just like men of clay
And angels of iron.
There are some saints
And yes there are martyrs
For in this world
The good are not guaranteed
And evil not always punished
At least not for now
But not forever.
I know what it looks like
Even though I have not seen it
And my grip will not be shaken
And my heart will not be broken.
In the flaming pit
They have thrown the useless
To slowly burn away
And dissolve into nothing.
I am tossed in the fire
But I remain unburned
Molten metal filling in the cracks
And fusing back together.
I have come out
Stronger than before
With bright shining armor
And fierce blazing eyes.
God has made me
And God lifts me up
Tonight I will rise even higher
And ride on wings of iron.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
No apologies
Unashamed 6/2/2011
Was it even me
That self I tried to kill
Out in the wilderness
All alone and full of loathing.
It seems so far removed
That twisted disfigured part
Contorted in pain
And writhing in agony
A terrible memory I cannot shake.
I wanted to die
And I wanted to disappear
Crawling into a black hole
To sleep forever.
I tried to numb the pain
But it always came back
And I tried to escape
But it was always there.
I drank but was still thirsty
And I took the medicine
But was still wide awake
In never ending nights of horror
Still aware and dying.
I wanted to say I was sorry
But I no longer remembered why
After all that I have lost
And after all that I had dreamed.
I tried to crush my pride
And I tried to purge my demons
Wandering inside a deep black abyss
To search out my sins.
Dying isn’t easy
And that part of self still remains
Frozen in pictures
Devoid of recognition
And almost faded away.
I pass as though a shadow
In the back of the room
And observe life
Like others try and live it.
But all I feel is sorrow
And all I know is regret
As I walk invisibly
From place to place
All alone and forgotten.
I see myself smiling
But it doesn’t mean a thing
And I see myself full of hope
But I know how it ends.
Others come and go
And they speak as though sure
Pretending that they are alive
And that I am dead.
But I live anyway
Aware and thinking
Remembering, knowing
And bleeding and dying.
Suicide is evil
And suicide is selfish
Lest you leave a painful legacy
And punish your children
With regret and doubt.
But dying isn’t easy
If it’s not your time to go
And even ghosts seem to linger
Where there are still debts to pay.
But you wouldn’t let me die
And you wouldn’t let me sleep
Invading my thoughts with hope
Filling every pour with forgiveness
Lifting me up and driving me on.
Even the greatest of pains
Can be withstood
With dignity and honor
Just by breathing
And standing still.
Art gives substance to vision
And words express the soul
Deeply felt and painful
Awkward if spoken
And coming out all wrong
Ending in anger
And drowning in emotion.
But in these letters
My heart finds release
But for a time at peace
Without pain or remorse.
A fire has been kindled
And no man can put it out
Still smoldering underground
Until just the right moment .
The good give up easily
And pack away their heart
Confining their souls
In someone else’s dreams.
They lose themselves in others
So they never have to know
What it might mean to try
And what it might mean to lose.
To stretch out your heart
And be rejected
Or pursue your dreams
And have it ridiculed.
If life has any meaning
Then we are one of a kind
But God does not force himself
Because he makes us choose.
I have made my choice
And I shall not give in
Even if I am cornered
And even if I die.
I shall stand
Until I can stand no more
Tying myself to a tree
When all my strength is gone.
To fight with all the spirit
That God has given me
To keep the fire burning
Even in the darkest hours.
For all the good must stay awake
Even when the world is sleeping
Until we finish
And God also chooses
To call us home.
Was it even me
That self I tried to kill
Out in the wilderness
All alone and full of loathing.
It seems so far removed
That twisted disfigured part
Contorted in pain
And writhing in agony
A terrible memory I cannot shake.
I wanted to die
And I wanted to disappear
Crawling into a black hole
To sleep forever.
I tried to numb the pain
But it always came back
And I tried to escape
But it was always there.
I drank but was still thirsty
And I took the medicine
But was still wide awake
In never ending nights of horror
Still aware and dying.
I wanted to say I was sorry
But I no longer remembered why
After all that I have lost
And after all that I had dreamed.
I tried to crush my pride
And I tried to purge my demons
Wandering inside a deep black abyss
To search out my sins.
Dying isn’t easy
And that part of self still remains
Frozen in pictures
Devoid of recognition
And almost faded away.
I pass as though a shadow
In the back of the room
And observe life
Like others try and live it.
But all I feel is sorrow
And all I know is regret
As I walk invisibly
From place to place
All alone and forgotten.
I see myself smiling
But it doesn’t mean a thing
And I see myself full of hope
But I know how it ends.
Others come and go
And they speak as though sure
Pretending that they are alive
And that I am dead.
But I live anyway
Aware and thinking
Remembering, knowing
And bleeding and dying.
Suicide is evil
And suicide is selfish
Lest you leave a painful legacy
And punish your children
With regret and doubt.
But dying isn’t easy
If it’s not your time to go
And even ghosts seem to linger
Where there are still debts to pay.
But you wouldn’t let me die
And you wouldn’t let me sleep
Invading my thoughts with hope
Filling every pour with forgiveness
Lifting me up and driving me on.
Even the greatest of pains
Can be withstood
With dignity and honor
Just by breathing
And standing still.
Art gives substance to vision
And words express the soul
Deeply felt and painful
Awkward if spoken
And coming out all wrong
Ending in anger
And drowning in emotion.
But in these letters
My heart finds release
But for a time at peace
Without pain or remorse.
A fire has been kindled
And no man can put it out
Still smoldering underground
Until just the right moment .
The good give up easily
And pack away their heart
Confining their souls
In someone else’s dreams.
They lose themselves in others
So they never have to know
What it might mean to try
And what it might mean to lose.
To stretch out your heart
And be rejected
Or pursue your dreams
And have it ridiculed.
If life has any meaning
Then we are one of a kind
But God does not force himself
Because he makes us choose.
I have made my choice
And I shall not give in
Even if I am cornered
And even if I die.
I shall stand
Until I can stand no more
Tying myself to a tree
When all my strength is gone.
To fight with all the spirit
That God has given me
To keep the fire burning
Even in the darkest hours.
For all the good must stay awake
Even when the world is sleeping
Until we finish
And God also chooses
To call us home.
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