Untitled

 Untitled                4/12/2016
               

How great the loss

Sitting alone

In a hotel room

Hunched at a desk

Whiskey at my side.

It is a familiar feeling

This purposeless desperation

A sour nausea

Eating at my gut. 

It hurts

And boredom hurts more

Ever since she woke me up

With a knife in my back. 

Sleep came with pills

And with dread came the morning

Eating me alive

Every sickening day.

I don’t know which is worse

Hating yourself

Or hating others

Soaking in your own bile

Like acid in the eye.

She had a mouth full of razors

And how it hurt me so

Cutting me a thousand times

A perfect target

Friendless and alone.

She laughed and she smiled

While I was drowning

Unable to recover

Any kind of normalcy.

Hitting and kicking

She pushed me down

As I hung on a ledge

With broken fingers.

Coming alive

Just in time

To feel the impact

Sudden, cold, and hard.

I did not die

Even though I thought I might

Surviving in solitary confinement

And drowning in debt.

It took a long time

To crawl out of the black

The wasted years

I wish I could forget.

Sometimes I travel backward

Heels over head

Flipping over like a scorpion

Stinging itself.

Maybe it’s all my fault

And maybe I had it coming

Sleepwalking through a marriage

Spoiled, indulged,

And angry over nothing.

I had only scratched the surface

And now I can see the other side

Bitter at the cost

Spitting blood down the drain.

I know I should be thankful

That I can understand at all

And did not die on that couch

Bled out and dead.

But God loves the lonely

And watches over

The sleeping fools

Plucking me out

And shaking me awake.