One Moment

One Moment   4/18/2014

The sun beat down on my neck

But I did not want

To raise my head

As if my presence could make a difference

Or that my face

Might offend.

A drink in hand

I walked around the woods

While the kids played and shouted

Happy one moment and sad the next

Running and quarreling. 

I am not the same

And I never will be again

But, now that I can see

I can merely watch,

And listen.

In my mind I walk backwards

And smell the water and the dirt

On summer days

That I thought would last forever.

Time does not stand still

And no one can

Slice it small enough

To capture the present

In a slide of glass.  

We are left in limbo

Stuck inside of a membrane

Trapped on one side

And longing for the other. 

It is hard to pretend

And it is hard to care

About all the things

That I know,

Do not matter

And never will again. 

I have tried

To get what I want

But as soon as I found it

It always falls apart.

If I never have

What is missing

How will I know?

And if I have it all inside

Who else can understand?

Suddenly I feel the breeze

And the ducks cry out

From the pond

And everything feels

Like a dream.

I think of my mother’s heavy curtains

And the smell of her perfume

Golden beams of sunlight

Dancing with particles of dust.

My boy laughs

And I laugh back at him

As he shakes me awake

And looks in my eyes.

It is enough

That we love each other

And I hug him tightly

Guilty but happy

That I am loved.