To Have and Hold

To have and hold 3/7/2012

It’s getting hard to remember
The sound of her laugh
And the gentleness of her touch
As time blunts memory
And the feeling fades away.

At first I kept everything
Exactly how she left it
Perfectly preserved
And undisturbed.

But things change
And you can’t stay that way forever
So I bundled them all up
And gave her clothes away.

The quiet stillness of the house
Was more than a little suffocating
But there is no escape
From all that we were.

I wanted to run away
And forget I ever knew
But my conscience would never let me
Get away with that.

But how can a man
Live in the past
When there is no point or reason
Except to kill yourself.

We had hopes
And we had dreams
But now they are gone
And I wonder
If that was me at all.

Others live also
And others make their plans
Buying selling and moving
Zig sagging through life.

But as for me
I am still sinking
Free falling into a dead white space
With no end in sight.

I stopped caring
And I stopped trying
Because how can you smile
When your heart is broken
And bleeding.

I tried to forget
The only way I could
Escaping into the fake euphoria
That only chemicals
Can give you.

But in the end
The loss remains
And there is no escape
Except in death.

And how can I leave
The children I love
When they are all I have
And need me so.

I went to my daughter’s bedroom
Just to tell her good night
And I hugged her tightly
And kissed her on the cheek.

She reminds me of her
But also of me
A beautiful reminder
Of hope and loss.

How can she ever really know
All the agony I have felt
And how can any man protect
The perfect and the pure.

My mind fills with doubts
As I think back
Across my life
Remembering those I knew
Who have all gone away.

I pray that it’s not forever
And I hope for tomorrow
Loving with all my heart
As I quietly let go.