April 27

April 27

We make lots of plans

But how much of them?

Ever come true

Regardless of what we want

Or think we need. 

The sun was in my eyes that day

And I had to squint to see

Warm, but not hot

In the heavy mountain stillness

Nineteen years ago today.

A day that should have been happy

Was friendless and sad

As I stood thankless and alone

In a chapel 

Hidden in the wood.

He said, that God wanted us there

But except for me 

He might have been the only one

And God keep will keep that secret

Until the end. 

I loved her

More than my own life

But like everything. I ever had

I was born to lose it

Before I could understand.    

It is a strange feeling

Of detachment and melancholy

As the old wounds heal

Thick with tissue. 

I tried to forget

But now, I try to remember

Because that is how I learn

And that is how I grow.

How many gallons of water

Have flowed under this bridge

Meandering through the black dirt

Deep in my heart.

I have no explanation

And I have no proof

Nothing except for the victory

Of the spirit

Over the man.  

I have been angry

And I have been sad

But our lives are not only measured

By what we have done, and  said.    

Sometimes the greatest strength

Was when, we held still

Shutting our mouths

And swallowing our pride. 

It was then

That I stood up

Head held high

Disappointed but undefeated

Smiling at myself. 

Driving home

I felt it

The incredible lightness of my shoulders

As I finally left the anchor

Where it had always belonged.  

I gave my love away

And I do not ask, for it back

Because there is always more

Where I found it

And nothing is lost at all.   

Come up out of guilt

And wake up to the sun

New again

And twice as gold!