Just a little sting

Just a Little Sting 9/21/2012

What is it in our heads
That makes us hate ourselves
But never enough to change
And never enough to awake.

We live in dull depression
Or maybe it’s just me
Reeling from one day to the next
And running in place.

I have covered the miles
And I have suffered the wounds
But even though I grow
The world has ever changed.

I am detached
And I am desensitized
Immune from the shock
From what I see and hear.

I used to look away
Because it was easy to pretend
That none of it was true
And life would go on.

But no matter where I looked
Things just got worse and worse
And I tried to numb myself
And sleep it all away.

In the end you cannot embrace darkness
Because the end of it is death
Not when you still have faith
And a reason to live.

Life has started over
But I am still
A product of the past
No longer as unaware
Or innocent.

A part of me has died
Murdered in my sleep
Remembered only in pictures
One dimensional and perfect.

By some trick of the mind
Long after the pain passes
We only remember the good
And dream of reconciliation.

Even though I am stronger
And even though I have learned
I will never be that man again
And it hurts, just as much as ever
In a whole new and different way.

Only someone who has lived it
Could ever know this truth
But to whom do I share
What even I cannot understand.

I have asked
And I have prayed
But only God knows
When or how.

Everything has a beginning
And even this heartbreak
Must have an end
But where it will leave me
I cannot see or predict.

Time passes and beats us down
But my heart still longs
For all that I believed
And all that I knew.

I still love
But it is duller and guarded
And I still dream
That all is forgiven
And everything healed.

I can no longer follow my whims
And waste away the days
So here it is to forgiving
And long last looks.

I have written down the words
And slipped them under the door
Asking to understand
The unthinkable
And see everyone again.

If not now
Then on a better day
When time and disappointment
Mean nothing
And all we have is forever.

I will see them then
And everything will be known
All things said
And all wrongs forgiven.