Blood Sample

Blood Sample               6/22/2017

Sometimes I think of dreams

And sometimes memories

Can become a dream

Lost like scattered pearls

At the bottom of the ocean. 

I did not know

All that I had

And now that I know

It is almost too late. 

Looking backwards

Across the memories

I feel for what I could have been

And lost along the way. 

But even if I had

What would I know now

A completely different man

In a completely different time. 

We are shaped by events

Both in winning

But also in losing

Through the suffering

As well the fat. 

Perhaps this is the best

And that is what makes me think

Bleeding out

On a blank page. 

I have lived  

And I loved

Losing and gaining

Precious treasures

Sparkling in my mind. 

Thrown on the rocks

I breathe deep upon the shore

Spent by the struggle

Head above water. 

The treasure is missing

But also inside

The kind you cannot measure

Steal

Or hide. 

Regret hurts

But the longing

Is worse

Grabbing you by the guts

And twisting. 

I tried

But even in trying

It will never be enough

And in the end

I still sit

And bleed. 

These words

Each one is a drop

Squeezed out

The hard way

One beat

At a time. 

Approval and praise

They are nothing at all

Nothing but dangling carrots

For others peoples greed.

But God is the truth

And shines above all

The one thing I cannot lose

No matter how hard

I try. 

I gave up

And I gave in

Turning over and over

Alone on the couch.

Nothing but a white worm

Crawling on a razor

With nothing left to lose

And no will

To fight. 

Sleeplessly sweating
Through a long dark night

In a haunted house

Of numberless dreams. 

Years have passed

Since that night

But something changed

And something broke

Split in half

And up in smoke. 

I am full

Even if wanting

And now I wait

Even when alone. 

Someday we will know

And someday we will see

At last fully understood

And fully free. 

Until then, we wait

And fumble in the dark

Chasing after mirages

And running from doubt. 

In a perfect time

And in a perfect place

None of this will matter

All forgiven

And all forgotten.