Passing the torch 11/17/2011
Sometimes we are caught by the sun
And burn brighter than we are
Reflecting concentrated beams
In all directions.
An undeserved gift
Full of mystery
Freely given
In the most unlikely ways
To the most unlikely people.
In every generation
And in just the right amount
The brilliant flames of God
Poured out upon man
In the darkest of night.
Inhabiting a willing heart
The spirit comes to live
A gift too great
To hold in secret
And too precious to waste.
Undeniable
Even in staggering loss
And more valuable than money
The pure nectar of inspiration
For all men to drink.
If we ask
We will be given
And if we are humble
We will be tested.
But the world
Will look different
When we look back
Watered with the blood
And fed with our flesh.
Hardship, loss, and terror
Can try the strongest of men
Tempting us in all directions
And dragging down the mighty.
An endless night has fallen
And some have fallen asleep
Others smug with their money
Pretend not to notice
Because they think that they are safe.
But no amount of money
And no amount of lies
Can change the kind of darkness
That starves the human soul.
It is time for the silent
To wake up their hearts
To see by the light of the fire
And touch eternity.
Minute by minute 11/17/2011
I watched the red tail lights
Has they turned between the trees
Turning left and then right
Out of the neighborhood
And out of my sight.
I always watched
Like the foolish ritual mattered
As if I didn’t watch
Something horrible would happen.
In life things will happen
But not the way we think
Guarding against the predictable
But asleep to the unlikely.
My phone rang
And I noticed the time
Unexpected but full of promise
On a day I’ll never forget.
But wisdom doesn’t always come
In time to save the good
And clarity seldom appears
Until it’s too late.
I did hear the words
And I knew that I was lucky
But who would have thought
Such an unlikely end.
That horror could come creeping
In a crack I never noticed
Worming its way in
Undetected and deadly.
Like a poison in the bloodstream
It traveled unchecked
Killing me slowly
From the inside out.
Persistently probing the perimeter
And lying every day
Leaving no stone unturned
And no tactic unexplored.
Such is the tragedy
The one you never see coming
From an insignificant source
Many of the great have fallen.
So I set them up
And I then I knock them down
Taking shot after shot
And breaking all the bottles
On the patio.
I spray painted
The inside of the my jeep
And I wrote on cocktail napkins
Scrawling out words
About death and dying.
I cut holes in the wall
And I left poems inside
Sealing them up
Where no one could see.
I drank to forget
And I drank to remember
Balling my fists in a rage
And smashing everything around.
Its hard to eat
When food has no taste
And its hard to live
When you can’t see the point.
I was wasted away
And I slept when I could
Crawling inside a deep black hole
Waiting for the nightmare to end.
My thoughts were of horror
And my dreams full of death
Because nothing was ever enough
And I wanted so much more.
I knew that they were watching
But I no longer cared
My life shrinking inwards
As all my hopes disappeared.
The time ticked by
But nothing every changed
As I reeled from the blows
Day after day
And night after night.
I felt no pain
And I felt no joy
Just a ghost
Lip syncing a life.
I wanted to throw everything away
But also keep every memory
Holding on to the shreds
Undisturbed and collecting dust.
I walked from room to room
And the memories crushed me
With every single inch
A story and a hope.
I left her things
Exactly has she touched them last
And I watched as they collected dust
Draining my life away.
Thanksgiving came
And I was all alone
Unable to answer the phone
And laying on the couch.
No one knows
The private horrors of others
And on one can guess
The weight of silence.
Not until you have lived it
Can any man know
What it means to have it all
But nothing of value.
The liquor covered the pain
But only for a little while
And then it always came back
Worse than before.
The past has a grip
That tightens with time
But even the dark night of the soul
Can never kill the good.
Now I see
And I hope someday to feel
Once again the comfort of laughter
And lightning in my hands.
11:17 pm 11/17/2011
At 11:17 the telephone rang
A secret signal
from my lover
Reminding me
That I was remembered.
I was remembered then
And I was remembered later
But now that it is forgotten
I see it even more often
In a thousand countless ways.
We live but once
And the optimism of youth
Fades into desperation
Because time is running out
And possibilities shrink.
When I was young
I will filled with hope
But now my hopes have faded
Until they almost disappear.
I am marked
And no soap can wash it
And I am judged
And no man can change it.
I see the number
And pain replaces the joy
Reducing me a little more
Until I waste away.
If I could only return
To that very first moment
How different I would be
Better than she remembers
The single best version
Of all I could be.
But I cannot return to that moment
And even God must wonder
Why I cannot forget
A single solitary instant
Rolling over and over again.
If I die before the end
Perhaps it will be at 11:17
But I won’t be around to notice
And I won’t wonder or care.
Bury my ashes
And water them with whiskey
Light a single while candle
And simply walk away.
God will bring me back
And then I will understand
Forgiven perfectly
In a way I never could.
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