Treasure Found

Treasure found. 08/27/2010

Some people dream of tomorrow
And some long for yesterday
As for me I am caught in the middle
But that’s ok with me
With my feet deep in pink sand.
And the warm sun on my head.

Walking along the shore
The water cold and surging around my feet
Searching for the perfect shell
To hang on a string or maybe in a vase

The colors of the Atlantic mystify
A deep unfathomable, blue, green and gray
And I imagine myself deep below
Touching neon fish, slippery and smooth.

The girls laugh and run from the surf
Their voices seem far away and muted
And birds cry above the white caps
On a cool but sunny afternoon

We wrote our names in the sand
And watched the tide melt them away
Imagining my sadness in a bottle
That I throw as far as I can

The depths are silent
And lay claim to what they want
But I drink my rum like a pirate
Who has found his treasure
And throw my head back in laughter.

The Middle Man

The middle man 08/26/2010

Young men are impatient
And old men long for youth
But I just dream of normalcy
And the sweet sighs of safety.

If I ever lived
It was in two parts
One in which I was safe
And one in which I die.

We pursue shallow things
And drive here and fly there
But no matter what we do
There we are.

Before I can even understand
I shall be stooped and beaten
If I don’t die first
I shall be but a shadow.

The past seems ghostlike
Surreal and far away
A strange beauty half remembered
As the shadows lengthen
And I stare at the ceiling.

I keep on knocking
But no one ever answers
Every single day
And every single night
I keep on asking
But have no answer at all.

God says to keep trying
And I did try Lord, yes I really did
God said to keep on knocking
And ceaselessly I will.

It isn’t about my justice
That is not what I want
But God’s justice
He who sees the truth
And he who knows the reasons.

The weight of time like a mountain
Crushes me to pieces
And the silence is deafening
All alone in the world.

No one asks, and I tell no one
The spark comes
When I am half asleep
And when I try to write it down.
They fly away like embers and ashes
High above my head.

They come in perfect phrases
As I turn in my bed
In yet another sleepless night
Of anxious desperation.

In my thoughts I rise again
To knock upon the door
I knock and knock some more
And pray again and again.

The voice I once heard
Now I cannot hear
And I feel so very alone
As if the words mean nothing
Unused, unknown and unreturned.

My horror is clear
I can see it in the moonlight
But others cannot see
And still they sleep.

A scribe does not claim credit
He only puts on paper
What others have said
And the flame still inspires
But darkly in my soul.

The glass is smoky
And the fire is deep
But I live covered in ashes
With nothing and no one.

Traveling accross the same grooves

Over and over again
The curse of loss

And the agony of memory.

My want is ever before me
And my name is shamed again
So still I lift up my bloody hands
And knock again.

The Murder Hole

The murder hole 08/25/2010

The other hidden sun
The one deep inside memory
In the middle of time
Black and invisible.

A dark star of demonic ambition
Blacker than you can imagine
Hidden by the lengthening shadows
Of planets, darkness and space.

Remember the past
Before it comes again
Remember the horror
Of the bodies piled high
Buried in ditches
Too many to count.

A savage imagery
Of horror and beauty
The explosions silhouetted
Against a deep purple sky.

The geysers of water
As the bombs churn the ocean
And the tracer bullets streaking upwards
Against the bombers in the sky.

Ghastly reminders
That haunt the murky past
Closer than we think
In the vacuum of chance.

Double lightening strikes
Not where we think it will
Because no ocean can protect
What no morals can restrain.

The enemy is different
And not all come with guns
Using our decency against us
Little by little
And inch by inch.

In small degrees we lose ourselves
Giving up our rights, beliefs, and faith
While those who hate multiply
Until it is too late.

Ancient jealousy and ancient evil
Crowd the shores of a dark past
Children of the moon God
And the prophet of doom
Coming to kill, slaughter and laugh.

We look the other way
And pretend the past never happened
Whistling past the graveyard
Half asleep and safe.

The killers don’t need a tank
And the greatest can fall without a fight
When we lose our faith, laws and culture
And never say a word.

Follow the Leader

Follow the leader 08/20/2010

I can take the bus
Or maybe I’ll take the train
Sliding back and forth in my seat
All the way to the city
Every day gray and every day the same.

The rain drops criss cross on the window
And the tiny geysers erupt on the hood
Split second explosions on a scale below my vision
Just like the synapses in my brain.

Every day my thoughts disappear
Some return and others are lost
Like small beautiful bits of crystal
Sparkling before they fall.

I have been praying
I have been praying for so very long
Building up to something big
A towering wall of thought.

They must go somewhere
And God must count them all
Piling up against the door
Where I have been knocking
For it seems like forever.

Patience isn’t easy
And I have grown tired with time
Pounding my head against the wall
Uselessly angry at the cruelty of time.

I wanted something to happen
Something unequivocal
And something indisputable
Something to define who I am
And what it is that I believe.

I prayed for my life to matter
And I prayed for God to use me
But I didn’t know what to expect
And never saw it coming.

If you follow the leader
You must do as they do
But it never hit home
What would happen to me.

Suffering comes with living
But I never stopped to think
About where I was going
And who I chose to follow.

That circumstances could change
And your friends turn away
Rejected, judged, and abandoned
Denied again and again.

That the world hates the injured
And that evil pounces upon the weak
Taunting and mocking them at night
And reminding them every day.

That we are known by more
Than what we do or say
But also for what we don’t
When we hold back our hands.

That true strength is hated
And honesty misunderstood
That real courage is so rare
And that convenience kills us all.

Slowly we die
And there is no help or comfort
But yet I still follow the leader
And know he rises again.

The Vacuum

The vacuum 08/19/2010

A fraction of thought that makes me human
And the feeling of sand between my toes
Endlessly dreaming of elusive love
As hard to capture as it is to know
Like a gust of wind against my face.

I poured the whiskey up to the brim
And wished I was anywhere but home
Alone in a world so full of people
Friendless and lost.

Even the bitter past seems better
Than the horrible loss of feeling
Deadening all dreams and desires
Empty as the vacuum of space.

Miles above my head
And miles below my feet
Just same as being here
Strange, alien and out of place.

I loved her I loved her more than anything
But I silently let her drift away
Waiting for some kind of uncontrollable emotion
The one that never came.

I wanted to run after
But she left that for me to decide
How cruel our awkward defenses
The ones that keep us pretending.

A greater risk I have taken
The lonely path to self destruction
When all I ever had to say
Was to ask.

I could never make up my mind
And how easily was I distracted
Just long enough to miss the here and now
And continue in misery.

It took a long time to get rid of the sand
The grains in my shoes lasted forever
But how easily does love disappear
Through the fingers of my trembling hands.

Fast Horses

Fast Horses 08/13/2010

If I ever lived
Then it was in two different parts
One in which I felt safe
And one in which I die.

One half asleep
And one half awake
A part lost in daydreams
And a part witness to horror.

There is a beauty in destruction
And there is a comfort in disaster
Clinging to what matters
In the pursuit of immediate needs.

I’ve spent my time in both
But I am not yet ready to die
Still standing in the ruins
And ready to build once more.

Time slows down in horror
And time speeds up in love
Ready for something to happen
And ready for something to change

A fast horse doesn’t wait for directions
And a fast horse doesn’t stop at the fence
Ready to ride and ready to live
With blood in our hearts and wind in our hair.

At great speed
The past careens backwards
And the future rushes forward
The present becomes everything
Unstoppable and pure.

To live boldly requires courage
And to love requires risk
Jumping at just the right moment
And pausing in mid air.

The world slows down
And the silence is beautiful
Just for a second or two
Suspended in glory
Before the hoofs hit the ground
And we shout out with joy.

I am older
And I have learned
But I still love fast horses
And the freedom
To try.

Killing Fear

Tumbledown 8/12/2010

At night the desert is like the moon
Out in the middle of nowhere and gone.
A lonely landscape left behind
Dusty, dark, hot and cold.

I have been to the desert
Sometimes for fun
And sometimes to hide
But the last time was different
And it took so very long.

I went to the desert
To kill a part of myself
The part that feels
And the part that wants.

It took so very long
An endless journey into the soul
Because sentimental dreams die hard
Harder than the realities
We would rather not see.

Up and down it all looks familiar
Because we have been there before
And we will be there again
Marching around the same lost memory
And never learning a thing.

It took so long
And how the months, days, and years passed
But still it hurts
And I guess it always will.

The tumbleweeds blow across the highway
And the night is blacker than death
Speeding down the highway
Alone on the moon and happy.

Don’t stop for long
Or you may never leave
Countless as the stars
A cold stark refection
Of eternity.

No longer is my face pinched in pain
Now it is deeper and hidden
And no longer do I weep
With my head in my hands
But still I remember.

The trees are few and gaunt
Even in summer they suffer
Even in the cities
And even by the streams.

They struggle and so do I
Against a world weighted by fear
Underneath the rocks
Dried, parched and bleeding.

A new man has emerged
Not as desperate as before
Tested, tried, and found wanting
Rising from the ashes
Seasoned but damaged
And wounded but walking.

Everything I was before is gone
And everything I had is lost
Left with nothing but my heart
As desolate as the prairie.

Show me your dreams
And tell me about the future
Because I have killed my past
But still need to smile.

There are promises left to keep
And there are other tests to come
People who need me
And God knows I need them.

This is the first of my poems that I am blogging. It isn't my best, but I like it and it expresses my feelings in a way I could never communicate in straight narrative. I sincerely hope that anyone stumbling upon it might enjoy it or at least find it thought provoking.

Ironscribe1117

The weight

Imperceptible the creeping end
One millimeter, two millimeter, three millimeter, four
Miles beneath my feet
Ancient rock shifts and sinks
And I feel so very alone.

The time of troubles
That seems to never end
So small that we didn’t even notice
The day it started or the day it ends.

I never noticed at the time
That vague sense of death
Not enough to rouse me from sleep
But just enough to hurt.

It is the first wound deep and mortal
That is the one that cannot heal
Penetrating from back to front
The one I knew was coming
But didn’t know from where.

The secrets are deep within me
And they do not come out without pain
Uneasy they rest inside my memory
Almost undetected, but growing.

Looking forwards you never see it coming
The painful snares that lay in our path
We react rather than see
And side step into disaster.

In my dreams I have seen the connection
And in my heart I have felt its sting
Aghast my breath taken away
At the tragic but expected end.

I have chosen a course
And have suffered the consequence
And I have succeeded and failed
Still standing
But full of deadly holes.

Unwanted I wandered in grief
Back into the desperate wasteland I left
But I never found any water
And I never found any resolution.

The sun still passes overhead
And the past has circled out of view
The wounding words hurt a little less
But the pain never goes away.

I am alone
And all my help has disappeared
Long since evaporated
Leaving salt in my wounds.

Moments pass
And I cherish what I can
My daughters smile
And her soft caress.

Sitting on the rocks
We got our feet wet at the lake
And we laughed at silly dreams
The kind only children can have.

I shall never be as before
The small things do not matter now
Wasted my impatient days of youth
When I knew love
And sighed in false safety.

I am so far fallen
And I know where I went wrong
And I listen to cruel normalcy
And it still hurts my heart.

Everything I ever said
And everything I ever did
All thoughts, ideas, and dreams
Have gone somewhere to stay
Outside of length, width, depth and time.

Just because we cannot see
Doesn’t mean it isn’t there
Beyond our limited vision
God’s dimension
And heavy with time.