Letter to God

Letter to God 09/27/2010

Some prayers go unanswered
Instead they fall silent
And sink in the great deep
As if you are brooding over the answer
One you know
But hate.

I prayed as hard as I could
And the truth was as clear as day
No question ever more obvious
Never to me
And never to anyone else.

I cried out at such a horror
My face contorted in agony
But in silence I slowly faded away
Never having enough
No matter how hard I tried.

Your words nearly leap from the page
And my skin is pierced by a thousand needles
Like an ancient message
Written just for me
To my heart a solemn secret
But just has sacred to all.

You cannot lie
But you can wait
So I too must wait
Patience the hardest lesson
That I will ever know.

You said what you hated
And you said what you loved
And we loved you to
And wanted to be good.

But evil came in
And evil told a lie
Deceiving us each and everyone
Just like he always has.

Watching for a weakness
And exploiting every crack
Until we fall to pieces
Giving in inch by inch.

Hidden hands work in the dark
Under the table hidden from view
Distracting our eyes
But always watching
For something to gain
And something to steal.

They listen, but just for knowledge
For anything that they can use
Giving just to get
And loving just to steal

Unburdened by conscience
Their shallow ambitions at will
Well practiced is the liar
Because they have done it before

Free to lie
And free to steal
Nothing too low
And no opportunity missed.

Discipline without decency
Is but cruelty and hate
And amoral ambition
Nothing but greed and avarice.

You see the beginning
And you see the end
Molding me into what you want
And proving my heart with fire.

You know the journey I must make
But I never dreamed it would hurt so much
And I never knew how far
And still don’t know how long.

There is no use in hiding
Because you know ever word
And you know every thought
Everything I ever dreamed
For right or for wrong
In a cloud over my head.

I was far richer than I thought
Yet I still wanted more
But now I sit with nothing
And cry out for help.

I had to ask for food
And I had to ask for money
With nothing and no one
All alone and crying.

I know that you forgive me
And I know that you love me
But I wonder at the future
And how long it shall come.

I used to hear your quiet words
Like a whisper through time
Echoing inside my soul
And calming my restless spirit.

That you would love me
And that you would protect me
Saving me from unimaginable loss
And restoring all that was missing.

But now there is silence
And I long for understanding
That you are still there
And will never forget.

I am lost to this world
And the vows of vanity
No longer appeal
Pride but a mere waste
And honor a disgrace.

Everything I ever believed
Fell down around me
And my name was mocked before my eyes
I hung my head in shame
And wished I could disappear

I didn’t want them to see my face
And know how much it hurt
Destroying every dream
And taking all I loved.

What kind of man can mock you and live?
And who shall stand and shame the wounded?
How long can this ever last?
And how long can it be rewarded?

The day must come
Because you are not a liar
And I pray I am here to see it
The truth written in the sky
My rock and my salvation.

I have placed my faith in you
And I have prayed for so very long
Poor, bloodied, and beaten
But still knocking at your door.

I have cried out your name in the dark
And I prayed until it hurt
I wept until I couldn’t breathe
And felt my heart melting.

Your truth is truth
And your justice is divine
Nothing more and nothing less
That is my prayer
And that is my hope.

He who knows also watches
And you have already chosen
Because you already knew
No greed or motive hidden

Remember me
Because I believe
I gave you my life that day
Sustain me and give me your words
Feed the fire in my soul
So that it may burn brightly.

Raise me up and use me
And keep the fire burning
So that I may be accepted
At last to kneel before you
Worthy enough to see your glory
And loved enough to come home.

The learning curve

The Learning Curve 9/10/2010

It’s the learning that’s hard
That inward growing
The kind that no one can see
Training yourself not to care
Not to be hurt
And not to feel.

It is facing the moments that cut you
And putting your mind somewhere else
Far away under a glacier
Icy and protected.

Compartmentalizing your mind
And trying not to see them all at once
Keeping them separate and unrelated
Safely sealed shut, and gone.

Letting all your wants go
And watching them drift out to sea
Sinking them to the bottom
In the great dark abyss.

It means that losing is ok
Because there are worse things than that
And it means letting go of childish fears
And knowing that you’ll survive.

I had to lose everything to learn
That the sun still shines
And the tide still rolls
That I can smile with nothing
Even though I want to cry.

It means that you can make it
Even if you swallow your pride
And it means that you can still laugh
Even though it hurts.

That being alone is not the end
And that every action does not need a purpose
That you can exist at one with God
Without any word from man.

I pray at night and I pray in the morning
And I ask for God to see me through
That no matter how much it hurts
He will still will love me
With my sins, pride, and all.

We take oaths without knowing
And we rage against the iniquities of man
Never seeing what really matters
Always trying to be God
Rather than what we are.

We always ask why
But never find any answer
Always trying to know the future
When we do not see the present.

If I die, then I become immortal
And if I live then time will tell
Everything that I need
Will be given
And all returned in time.

Man does what he pleases
He accepts and he rejects
But God’s choice still matters
And he has already chosen.

Seven years ago
That is when the gift was granted
The choice was all mine
But the glory was his.

I felt the stray droplets
As I lowered my head in prayer
With all I could ever ask
And so much more than I knew.

On this earth we are hated
And we may hang our heads in shame
Feeling rejected and abandoned
Awake every night
And mocked every day.

But God has chosen the unlovely
The lonely and the lost
Accepting me just as I am
And making me what he wants.

Someday a real treasure
The kind I cannot misuse or squander
A new life of vivid color
With all I needed, but didn’t know
Returned and overflowing
A worthy servant at last.

With all the old wounds healed
Gazing at a new earth and sky
And I shall laugh without a reason
And love without tears.