Double Zero

Double Zero 5/12/2014

A hand has come into my life

And torn everything apart

In the cruelest of ways

Painful and slow. 

I was fattened up

And slaughtered for fun

Left like an example

In the middle of the square.

Somehow I am here

But I am not the same at all

Damaged, empty, and ghostly

I walk and I speak. 

There are many ways to say it

But nothing can change the rub

Because here I am

Just as worthless as ever. 

I might be right

Or I might be wrong

But if you are the rejected

It will always feel the same.

A world has been shattered

And you must live with the pieces

Cutting yourself

Whether you want to or not. 

I can take it all with me

Or I can leave it behind

But no matter what I do

The damage is done. 

It’s as true now as ever

That we all need love

But some only have the need

To possess and have. 

Incapable of altruism

And cruelly manipulative

The never wander far

From the conventional or shallow.

This is their world

And we are just options

Just another door

Something to explore, exploit

And then discard. 

While we live in their world

It does not mean

That we must be of it

And that is why it hurts

And probably always will. 

So I do not ask

And I am not disappointed

But rather just bide my time

On my way to something else. 

All of this is done

And all of this is dying

As it spends itself out

In treachery and deceit. 

But the best part

Is yet to come

As we remember not

And smile. 

B side

B side 5/9/2014

Let the words bleed out

And pour out, into space

Flowing where they will

In a flood of passion

And sacrifice. 

There are bigger things

Than what I want

And souls are more important

Than my reputation

Or pride.

I have asked for the words

And I can feel them building

Forming inside

One after another

And firing like a machine gun. 

Let them loose

And let them burn

In a pure blast

Of who you are

And what you believe. 

Who would have thought

That this could happen

To you or to me

An undeserved gift

Clear as a diamond. 

They can slam me around

And dissect every meaning

But it doesn’t bother me

And it shouldn’t bother you. 

They can take my name

And trash it

Any way they want

But I am still the same

Just as I, always was. 

There is nothing better

And nothing more pure

Than summoning the spirit

And telling the truth. 

Horror, tragedy

Disease and death

Happen, but so also

Does joy, happiness

Tenderness, and love.

If we could only know

Deep down within

That with everything

There is a flip side

Of contentment and grace.

Some will love you

And some will not

But what they think

Does not matter

Compared to how we live

And what we do. 

There are many things

I will never do

But that  is not a reason

To wallow in regret.

Flip it over

And play the other side

Because there is always more

And it’s better than you think.

Leftovers

Leftovers  5/8/2014

I am not the only one
Who knows how it feels
To remember more than you want
And suffer every day.

Bitter sweet are the pangs
Of remembrance and loss
As I cling to the easy smiles
Of long ago
And far away.

If I had never tried
Then I would not know
But I tried with all my heart
Extending my hands
And my heart.

I came up
Empty handed
Losing everything I loved
Even the things I didn't know
And took for granted.

Looking back
I can see the difference
But no matter how much I grow
The loss remains
Burned in my heart.

Its hard to speak
And its hard to dream
Once you know
That words are cheap
And promises temporary.

Not everyone's dreams
Will come true
And not everyone
Will live to laugh and love.

For some there is loneliness
And sadness
Emptiness and shame
Staring at pictures of other people
Strange, awkward, and alien.

For me the tears are gone
But the heart ache remains
No matter where I go
Or what I do.

A strange longing persists
And the everyday normalcy makes it worse
As life goes on all around me
Without pause or regret.

Others churn away
Even if it is foolish
All of them clamoring for something
That will only die.

Flinging themselves at the world
And bashing their heads against the wall
All posture and spin
Without substance or meaning.

But is it better to know?
Or is it better to try?
Even if it is foolish,
Pointless, and fake.

Today I try
But it hurts
As I want to run
Or sleep.

I pray
That there will be an answer
Even if I must wait
Because nothing lasts forever
Even this
And even now.  

I carry on
This heavy heart
And I will pour it out
Again and again.

Because these words
Would have never come
If I had never believed
Or trusted.

So, Let us not,
Hang our heads
And let us not,
Worry or doubt.


Because no matter what
We will always have
Each other
Even against all the odds
And incredible distance.

Free of the boundaries
That crush our spirits
At last free
To follow the heart.  

The Rock Collector

The Rock Collector   5/7/2014

Climbing up

On the top of bodies

And leaving the good behind

Without justification

Or even a reason

Except for power

And pride. 

None of it earned

And all of it fake

Just like the dust

Pouring through our fingers.

That should sum it up

The incredible emptiness of man

Selfish, sociopathic,

Ambitious, and dead.

Set your watches

And count backwards

Because this

Is what we see

As the end chases the beginning

All the way around. 

The head can chase the tail

And spin in circles

But man can never be God

No matter what he thinks.

We have elevated evil

And punished the good

Weighing down their every movement

And impeding their every desire.

Savaging the hand

That feeds us

While others lie, steal,

Pillage, and destroy.

But all the money will disappear

Because no one buys it anymore

About who are the good

And who is to blame.

We can shout

But that will not

Make us right

And we can bully

But that will never

Make it true.

Look now

Because you can see the intent

Burning with jealousy

And hatred.

Dismissive, soulless,

Rude and cruel

As they reward their friends

And leave the good

To die. 

What does it take

To wake up the deluded?

Force fed gruel

From the age of five. 

We glide down the road

Smooth as glass

Without a bump

Or a hiccup.

On our way to genocide

And inevitable extinction

Well planned 

And methodically executed.

Every day and every way

We live

And we die

But the secret hidden in plain sight

Still exists 

Just as it always did. 

My son smiles

And I hold him in my arms

We laugh

But inside

I am a stone.

I am not giving up

And I am not giving in.

Not one inch

And not one dime.

Today, tomorrow

And then forever

I say no

And I say goodbye.  

The truth is coming

And it’s bigger than ever

Right at our doorstep

And ready to crush it all. 

How many chances

And how many times

Have  they shouted down his name

And rejected the truth.

Let the march go on

Straight off a cliff

Just as dumb as it always was

A thousand times before.

Take it all in

And let the stone set

Ready and willing

Every day

And every hour. 

Stumble Foot

Stumble Foot 5/6/2014 

It still hurts

But it still feels real

Because everything we see

We will always want.

The biggest things

Are what we never had

As we fall all over ourselves

For nothing at all. 

We never seem to know

What it is

That we have

Until it’s all over

And blown away. 

I didn’t want to go home

And I didn’t want to let go

Because I was afraid

Of trying

And losing. 

I gave in to my anger

And I gave in to my whims

Chasing after shadows

And swinging at smoke. 

As if my feelings mattered

And as if I could stop

The rising tide of death

Drowning my lungs.    

Everything had an urgency

That far exceeded its worth

Because I did not know

And could not understand. 

I clung tightly

To all that I knew

But in all the wrong ways

At all the wrong times. 

I did not know who I was

And I did not know to ask

For what I really needed

But could not have known.

The darkness has fled

And now I can see

Both the blessings

And the horror. 

I could not change it

Even if I tried

So all of us are left

Empty handed

And lonely. 

There is no going home

And there is no going back

But only down and out

Deep and dead. 

Regret makes a mockery

Of all that we tried

Halfhearted and wasted

Foolish and dumb. 

But home is still coming

Many miles away

With each and every step

Stumble and fall.  

Carolina Dreaming

Carolina Dreaming 5/5/2014

Even if it starts out straight

Objects can begin to tumble

As they hurtle through space

In a fast spiral.  

Even sitting still

We are moving inside

And life has a tendency

To morph and grow.

If a week could be like sugar

Then a voice could sound like honey

Soft and warm in my ear

And enough to last forever. 

Events unfold in unexpected ways

And I could not have dreamed

How similar and circular

But now I have rolled over

And stare at yesterday. 

The whiskey burned

All the way down

But the taste was just as good

As it had ever been.

More than enough

To make me pause

And be thankful

That I am alive.  

Living hurts

But I have not lost a thing

As everything I ever wanted

I will always have. 

Sometimes it takes patience

And sometimes it takes a break

But nothing ever gets better

If you never learn

To appreciate.