Deaths Head Rising

This is from 2008 but I just made some changes. I used to call this Gotterdamerung


Deaths Head 8/10/2011

I am the son
Of a deep black collider
A secret and a mystery
Of accidental fate
And ancient invention.

All of us are different
But all of us are connected
Created and recreated
Infused and filled with fire.

I don’t need a disease
To make myself feel better
And I don’t need anyone’s label
To make me feel good.

There is no cure
That I want
Because there is no definition
For the pain of the truth.

Deep down
We all know
Because it was true
True at first light
The first thought and knowledge
Before we doubted
And knew fear.

I am an enigma
And I am a riddle
An aberrant result
Of an uncontrolled reaction
Forgotten and purposeless.

I am just waiting
For the bombardment to stop
Numb to the cold
And almost out of time.

People can be your friends
But silence is the enemy
Because it kills so very slowly
Day by day
And drop by drop.

And I don’t know what to write
And I hate to bring anyone down
But I am like a black fish
Swimming sideways
And dying.

When the last shots are fired
And all of us are dead
Will anyone read these words
Or even understand.

I hate to think
That my words are wasted
While I flounder
In my own blood
And drown.

It’s not that I hate small talk
But something inside has died
And it’s not that I stopped caring
But so much has happened
And so much has been lost
That I don’t know where to start.

I am not the same man
That I used to be
My eyes lost their spark
As all the colors drained away
But as I look back at the horror
The anger gives me strength
And now they are blazing stones of death.

If you have never been to the wilderness
Then you don’t know desolation
And how the earth covers the ruins
And all is lost to time.

Others shall come
And sift through the rubble
Guessing what must have happened
Maybe they will find
Some bones or some hair
Or maybe nothing at all.

Three and four make seven
And six and one the same
Each value different
But all the sums the same.

If seven is the holy number
Then I was meant to write it down
Because each letter has a number
And all are seven spaces apart
All numbers equidistant
And all of it equals seven.

If you killed a man
Would you expect him to laugh?
And if you left him wounded
Do you think he would smile?
If so then why would my words offend?
When everyone is true
And why do I get the blame?
When all I did was good.

A false pretender
Promised himself a friend
But then he raised up a knife
And cut me in twoLeaving me to die
Bleeding in the snow.

Except I haven’t died
And I lived to watch
As everything I loved
Was stolen away
As I suffer
And bleed to death.

People seek comfort
And also seek advantage
Leaving you in a heartbeat
But only if there’s something
To be gained
And there’s nothing left
You can give them.

No one will remember
That I stood my ground
The last man standing
In the valley of the dead.

Left to face the horde
Without supply and alone
Written off as dead
As they all ran away.

They can all pretend
That I never lived at all
Writing me out of the story
Or just make me to blame.

I’ll never understand
Why its so important
To step on a dying man
Like somehow I deserved
I lose all I loved.

To let me dangle and twist
On three cords of fate
Just watching
And dying.

I am the falsely accused
And once again I am denied
Bleeding to death
In a frozen trench
With a thousand smoldering skulls.

In the valley of the dead
The radiation kills slowly
Just like the desperation
When all hope is gone
And my bones are all dried out
And I crumble to nothing.

It’s hard to see
Your life ebb away
With time enough
To gather all the memories
In a heap of unfinished dreams
And you can’t stop the suffocation
In your own living blood.

But I am not afraid of hell
Because I have seen it already
And even though I may die
Incomplete and guilty
I have lived unmoved.

If you find me
Don’t take it lightly
But always remember
Yes try and remember that
Every time someone runs
Someone else has to die.

The deaths head is rising
And the cult of doom burns
With bodies strewn in pieces
And laughter in the streets.

We have watched
And did nothing
But the choice is clear enough
To kill for survival
Or die without a fight.

Broken Glass and The Beating

Breaking Glass from 2007


Nothing like the feeling
Like a late winters nap
Burrowed under the covers
With no thoughts except peace
And time slows to nothing
And you can feel it stop.

Thoughts start to wonder
Backwards to unexpected places
Sounds, smells and feelings
And long forgotten faces.

Haunting memories
That are neither good or bad
Because now I am not so certain
Not like before.

The feeling like all is past
And everything is over
But it’s not clear what that means
Whether it means freedom
Or the fear of the unknown.

The taste of red wine
And sounds of post punk paranoia
Useless efforts to earn or run
And uncomfortable laughter.

Friends of mine
And friends of yours
At different times and places
So real and yet so distant.

I was soo different then
All fury and fire
I wanted it all
Without having to wait.

I built up the walls
Only to tear them down
And I then I would try and change
Only to do it
All over again.

Euphoria gave way to grief
And the sound of breaking glass
The pieces glittering on the ground
Random moments but a crack in time
Shattered, scattered
And impossible to find.

She was a friend of mine
And for the first time it didn’t matter
Not wondering whether it would last
Or what she meant
But just me
And I believed.

I told the truth
When she asked
What else
Could I say about me?
As if the proof
Would make a difference.

Surging forward
To the present
And yes I know
That I should have learned
When I was young.

We fought
But not about love
But something else
About winning or losing
And getting what we want
Because no one ever wants to lose.

I look inside to find the words
Something real and meaningful
To penetrate this melancholia
And break through this normalcy
To shake the world.

Is it really
About how things look
And why do we always hide our motives
If guilt stands accusing
Maybe there’s a reason.

I tried to not to make promises
I would regret
But I did
And walked away.

The background fades
But an essential part lags behind
Leaving me crippled
By self inflicted wounds.

A darkness falls
All rage and fury
And inside my skeleton
Struggles
Straining to get free.

Someone is drinking at the same bar
Someone is laughing
In the same house
That I was born in.

In the news
The killers are on the run
There’ll be a standoff soon
But I have my own demons
And my own pain.

Somewhere a shell explodes
And random shots pierce the night.
But I can’t stop the world
So it’s useless to worry.

In the silent boredom of tomorrow
Another kind of horror dawns
But I shall look inside
To find what I need.

Enough strength
To carry on
And enough heart
To smile.

Walking alone
Into a tall gray building
Like a soldier at sunrise
A solitary silhouette
Against a burning sky.


The beating 8/9/2011

I was driving in my car
And I saw a group of people
Standing in a circle
Over in the ditch.

I got out
Just to see the commotion
That was when I saw
And that was when I knew.

I saw the victim
At the side of the road
All beaten and bloody
And moaning.
His face was unrecognizable
And his eye a bloody mess
So swollen and smashed
That my stomach turned
And I tasted blood in my mouth.

He recovered
But I heard he lost an eye
Another day
And another crime.

There are something’s
That no one will say
And that is the problem
And why we live this way.

If the good show weakness
Then evil sees approval
And the silence of the undecided
Only makes them bolder.

I have seen it before
And we’ll see it again
Nine out of ten
And always from behind.

They travel in groups
And they look for the unaware
Hitting them from behind
And kicking them
When they are down.

They laugh and they cheer
Because they want you to fear
But as for me, I am not afraid
Because I know how it ends
And I know why.

They are filled with hatred
And they pick their victims
To suit their taste
As obvious as you can get
But you won’t see it on TV.

The Reichstag is burning
Because that is what they do
Creating a crisis
To get a response
Or anything to get their way.

They hate the constitution
And they hate the rule of law
Especially if it’s equally enforced
And fair.

You can see it coming
But we all just wait
Unable to speak
And unwilling to act
Until it’s too late
And there’s nothing left to save.

People are beaten and robbed
And all the stores are sacked
Any excuse for a beating
And an opportunity to steal.

It will get worse
And there will be more
As order falls into chaos
And we descend into hell.

Be ready
Because hell is opening wide
But be careful what you believe
Because the worst is yet to come.

But be not fearful
And be not deceived
For many are those
Who lie, manipulate and steal.

There is bubbling
Beneath the surface
And there is friction
Building in our minds.

The day will come
When the fire will rain
Burning them down
And burning them away.

Sunken Treasure

Just a few from last year. I have not finished any new ones today.


Sunken Treasure 9/7/2010

My feet sank deep in the sand
As the sea pulled away
And I picked up a shell
That poked through the surface
Shining like a jewel in my hand.

Eternal as the sun
The sound of the surging waves
Countless as the bubbles tickling my legs
The endless cycle of tide, sand, dreams.

The salty water sprayed into my face
And I remembered other times
And other places
Cold and brackish it awakens the senses
To lost centuries unrecorded.

Far out in the ocean
Miles below the ocean
Lay the resting places Of man, his dreams and treasure.

Risking all for momentary glory
So far away from home
The sea reclaims its own
As it washes over my bones
Cleansed from pride and dishonor.

The small fish strives against the waves
Trying to get back out to sea
A furiously flashing teardrop of silver
It disappears
Never to be seen again.

I too am striving
Trying to get back to zero
Back to where I am welcome
And back again to rest.

The breeze is cool
And the birds skim the white caps
Looking for food
And crying.

My daughter dances in the surfAnd we laugh at silly dreams
The kind only children can have
And men only long for.

And I throw my head back
And laugh like a pirate
One who has already found his treasure
And needs nothing else.



Time tilt 9/3/2010

Sentimental feelings die hard
Unresolved and unspoken
The understanding of which
We never seem to know.

You can’t capture wind in a jar
Like our thoughts it escapes into air
Disappearing into unknown spaces
Like puffs of smoke that rise and dissipate
The memories of yesterday, today and tomorrow.

No matter what we do
We always return
And no matter what we say
They remain in dusty boxes
In the back of our mind.

We stumble into quick sand
By using the same old emotions
And never see the snares in our path
But we react rather than see
And sidestep into disaster.

I am here
And the night is still
So still that I can feel time
Slowing down and tilting
Just enough for me to get a glimpse
Of all my life at once
Both happy and sad.

Ceaselessly the seasons pass away
Births and deaths punctuate the days
And now time cycles backwards
Rolling over on itself.

I remember many things that were
Embellished and bejeweled they tug at my heart
And I am left vacant and lost
Thinking of a future that I’ll never have.

I could feel fall coming
A familiar taste and smell of late summer
The sun golden and heavy
Full, ripe and sinking.

There I was walking up the street
And as I passed through the lunch crowd
I saw myself in the past laughing
And wondered how different it could be
Guessing about how I must look
And how he must feel about me?

A strange double life
Split down the middle
With one half safe
And the other drowning.

I can almost see and almost hear
That delusional person I was
Unknowing and purposeless
Such a fine meal for sacrifice.

But I can’t return to that impatient self
That part fell away, split down the middle
Falling downwards without any bottom
And still falling forever.

My dreams have awakened
The secret eye of the soul
Illustrating things forgotten
And unresolved.

Once my dreams were of hidden places
Of huge possibilities opened up
Unexpected and magical
But now they are smaller, dark and cruel
All about the unfinished
The things I never did right
Or the things I never did at all.

My conscience doesn’t bother me
But my omissions are haunting
And I feel unworthy and unloved
Scarred, ugly and wasted.

The world turns on a tilt
The seasons change
And the ceaseless tides of life and death continue
But my heart has stopped
While my body keeps on living.

Ghosts are like a memory
Caught in eternal limbo
Either unwilling to let go
Or unable to leave.

I too am a ghost
Wondering up and down the hall
Reliving some kind of agonizing moment
Unable to ever escape.

We spend our time gaming the tables
Giving to just to get
And loving just to steal
Artificial thoughts and artificial places
No matter how grand
Just shallow and temporary.

The tables exchange our money
And our days reflect our wants
Always a way to use or argue
To our own benefit, money, or time.

Does every thought need a purpose?
And must every action be self-serving?
In 10,000 years no different than today
No matter the planning and the effort
We fall into our actions
And suffer our own rewards.

My words are like water on a rock
They flow useless over dead matter
But let the dead carry their tombs
No longer able to hear
The voice of man or God.


The weight

Imperceptible the creeping end
One millimeter, two millimeter, three millimeter, four
Miles beneath my feet
Ancient rock shifts and sinks
And I feel so very alone.

The time of troubles
That seems to never end
So small that we didn’t even notice
The day it started or the day it ends.

I never noticed at the time
That vague sense of death
Not enough to rouse me from sleep
But just enough to hurt.

It is the first wound deep and mortal
That is the one that cannot heal
Penetrating from back to front
The one I knew was coming
But didn’t know from where.

The secrets are deep within me
And they do not come out without pain
Uneasy they rest inside my memory
Almost undetected, but growing.

Looking forwards you never see it coming
The painful snares that lay in our path
We react rather than see
And side step into disaster.

In my dreams I have seen the connection
And in my heart I have felt its sting
Aghast my breath taken away
At the tragic but expected end.

I have chosen a course
And have suffered the consequence
And I have succeeded and failed
Still standing
But full of deadly holes.

Unwanted I wandered in grief
Back into the desperate wasteland I left
But I never found any water
And I never found any resolution.

The sun still passes overhead
And the past has circled out of view
The wounding words hurt a little less
But the pain never goes away.

I am alone
And all my help has disappeared
Long since evaporated
Leaving salt in my wounds.

Moments pass
And I cherish what I can
My daughters smile
And her soft caress.

Sitting on the rocks
We got our feet wet at the lake
And we laughed at silly dreams
The kind only children can have.

I shall never be as before
The small things do not matter now
Wasted my impatient days of youth
When I knew love
And sighed in false safety.

I am so far fallen
And I know where I went wrong
And I listen to cruel normalcy
And it still hurts my heart.

Everything I ever said
And everything I ever did
All thoughts, ideas, and dreams
Have gone somewhere to stay
Outside of length, width, depth and time.

Just because we cannot see
Doesn’t mean it isn’t there
Beyond our limited vision
God’s dimension
And heavy with time.

The Aftermath

The Aftermath 8/4/2011

Don’t ask the lonely
If they believe in happy endings
And don’t ask for any favors
From a bleeding man.

There is no perspective
That will open your eyes
Like staggering loss
The kind that leaves you bleeding
And gasping for breath.

And there is nothing clearer
Than regret
When there is nothing you can do
And nothing will ever be the same.

To awake to a nightmare
That has no end
And a future
That has no escape.

Sometimes I dream
But inside I always know
That it is but a glimpse
Of the backwards past.

That no matter what I say or do
That I will be cut off anyway
Without ever finding resolution
Or ever coming home.

I wake up
Just like a fell asleep
Nameless and forgotten
Alone and sad.

I wonder how many ways
I can say the same thing
And how many dreams
Must I still suffer.

Time goes on
And there is little choice
For those that are good
And those that remember.

If I could travel through time
How precious would the moments be
Bathed in a golden light
And perfect.

I would be a different person
The kind I was meant to be
But without the pain and the wreckage
That learning requires.

I would be so kind and loving
And I would listen to every word
Not just for what I wanted
But for what I needed to hear.

I would notice every single nuance
And relish every single silence
Instead of rushing through
And ignoring everything.

I would spare others their worries
The ones that I gave them
The ones I tried to numb
And the ones I tried to avoid.

I could have done so much more
Than the things I did
Wasting not a single day
Half asleep and half aware.

I would have loved
So much better
Stroking her hair
And listening to her dreams.

But we don’t have the luxury
Of more than a single chance
And no mere mortal
Can ever truly know
What hell can come
In the blink of an eye.

There was no second chance
Even though I nearly lived it
And there was no happy ending
Or I would never have this feeling.

Inside myself
There is a frozen lake
Deep, dead and cold
With all the secrets
Hidden at the bottom.

I am different
And I am remote
Like an empty fortress
Inside of a mountain
Undetected and menacing.

Trapped in a future
I myself have created
But only by accident
And only by ignorance.

We think we know
But really we do not
Unaware of the subtleties
And the beauty all around us.

Walking by the graveyards
But never learning
About grace and forgiveness
Not until it’s too late
And it’s all over.

For some it’s sudden horror
And for others it’s a staggering loss
But something has to happen
Before we awaken
And ever truly know.

Some remain asleep forever
Never knowing and never loving
Unaware of the mysteries
And unafraid of the deep.

I had to murder that self
In order to ever know
And it didn’t die easy
Following me every day
And haunting me every night.

I too look backwards
And stare into awkward memory
Remembering every misstep
And swallowing all my words.

I took
When I should have given
And I was stubborn
And judgmental
So convinced of my truth
That I never heard a word.

Now I am silent
And now I am worn
Substandard and alone
Wounded and scarred.

Marked on the inside
And pinched with pain
Straightened by want
And broken to pieces.

As for me
I’ll just keep on going
Haunting all the ruins
And waiting.

Prarie Fire

Prairie Fire 8/3/2011

I come from a desolate place
Where the roads are chocked with dust
Where iron men wore iron badges
And knew what justice meant.

Now they ride on skeleton horses
And stand on the edge of town
Overlooking what is left
And crying out.

The wind carries their howls
Along with the tumbleweeds
Blowing across the streets
Where we lived
And they died.

I am a prairie son
And I belong to their dreams
Something that is missing
And never quite complete.

A ghost town
Full of ghosts
Lost but to memory
And dead men’s bones.

A new history has come
Because people love to lie
Destroying the past
Just to suit themselves.

I sold the old house
The one with lathe and plaster
But I took a piece of it with me
And I’ll never lose it again.

When I close my eyes
I see blood and roses
A future full of horror
But also great courage.

Because you can’t kill a ghost
And strong spirits
Cannot be resisted
Though they swing at the air
And scream out their names.

But they will just keep coming
Night after night
And day after day
Flying at the edge of the storm
And howling.

Nothing is as certain
As the end I have seen
No longer a question of if
But only a matter of time.

Don’t look over your shoulder
Because you are not alone
Invisible and unknowable
But still just as sure
And deadly.

If you are unfinished
Then it’s time to make a change
Time to stand apart
Without regret.

Because many are those
Who have suffered
By staying too long
In sinking ships
With evil men.

No matter what we say
And no matter what we do
No matter how much time passes
It will never be right.

The terrors will never end
And the sickness will spread
More and more violent
And more and more real.

The end
Has never been more certain
And the spirits will not be turned
Without hesitation or remorse
Coming home to claim the truth.

Tonight I fly
And my skin will heat up
As I rush through the air
Molten bronze, gold and iron
Purified like silver
In the heat of hell.

I shall squeeze, pull, tear, and rip
And nothing can hold me back
Relentless until its finished
And I am satisfied.

Even a spirit has eyes
And even a ghost has a soul
Flying through walls and windows
And smashing the pictures down.

Some men think they are clever
And some men think they are smart
But they have no real power
Condemned before they ever knew.

They have no imagination
And they have no immortal soul
Spiritless and dead
Forced and cruel.

God has been watching
And he also knows
Every single truth
And every single lie.

He saw the hidden
And he knows the reasons
The hands underneath the table
And the knife behind the back.

There is no question
This truth I bring
And let there be no doubt
Who, why, where and when
The end just as certain now
Just like I knew it then.

Killed Instantly

Night Vision 8/2/2011

What were the chances
That you would be there
Driving along so close to home
Alone in the dark
And far away from me.

You were so full of life
And everyone loved you
But in an instant you are gone
And there is nothing I can do.

He crossed the center line
And you were crushed
Another bright light
Snuffed out and gone.

And now we stand open mouthed
Staring backwards in horror
Wordless
And Crying.

That something so insignificant
As a fraction of a second
Could take away
A lifetime of love
And promise.

You almost made it home
And now you are gone
And I struggle to remember
Every word
And every thought.

I loved you
And I know that you knew
But I was always pretending
And hedging my bets.

We all loved you
Who couldn’t love
Such a bright light
So warm and friendly
And so full of spirit.

Do you see me now?
Oh how I wish you knew me
Not as I was
But as I am.

I am still learning
But now you are trapped in amber
A pure and perfect memory
That only gets better with time.

You were like a comet
That streaks through the sky
Brilliant but brief
And inspiring.

But for the odds of eternity
I would have never known you
But I did
And now I weep.

For a reason I cannot know
I witnessed your beauty,
Penetrating intelligence,
And incredible grace.

You had that rare gift
Of an imaginative
And soulful spirit
Something that can’t be learned
Or duplicated.

There can be no replacement
So I will not even try
My heart heavy with regret
And empty.

I shall gaze at the heavens
And hope upon hope
For just a streak of your fire
And a glimpse of your face.

I will say a prayer
And make a wish
That the next time we meet
I’ll be worthy
Of your love
And your light.

The Roadside

The Roadside 8/1/2011

Indifference is worse than anger
It is the pacifier
That kills the soul
A dangerous self absorption
And a recipe for disaster.

The enemy lies in wait
While we walk in ambivalence
Carefully setting up for ambush
To suddenly murder, mutilate and steal.

It is no secret
What the hidden hand brings
Always the same
And always death.

The foolish walk into a trap
And the trusting are slaughtered
Because evil doesn’t care how or when
As long as the good die
And they reap the rewards.

It doesn’t matter
If it’s by bomb or gun
And it doesn’t matter
If its quick or slow
As long as we die
Is all that they care.

Their hatred is complete
And no words will suffice
I have seen it
And I have felt it

They like to game the system
And change the days for their advantage
Our decency twisted
And used against us
Time and time again.

The air is heavy with anticipation
That something is about to happen
Something to break this awful silence
And end this downward decline.

The good are transfixed by theatrics
And carefully crafted speeches
Performed rather than felt
More style than substance.
And imbedded with hate.

The vulchers circle
Because we have grown weak
Already dead but for fear
And false guilt.

They use children for murder
And they ransom their souls for money
Making sure the victims notice
And making sure that it hurts.

Ambushed, robbed and wounded
Psychically killed
And reminded every day
In order to destroy
In every possible way.

Left to rot
By the roadside
So I could see what I missed
Coming and going
Horrific and cruel.

They have forgotten the words
And think they are safe
While time goes on
Just as it always has.

But I have found shelter
In the shadow of his wings
And by his right hand
Has he lifted me from death.

And I am also patient
And will not be turned
My eyes like burning stones
Unafraid and unforgiving.

The clock ticks down to nothing
And the chime is about to sound
And I shall also rise
A full blooded ghost
Crying out for vengeance.